Ironic Jokes: Laugh Your Way Through Life's Twists & Turns.

I don’t have much to say, but that’s never stopped me before.

I don't argue with people.
I just explain how and why I'm right and walk away.

Gonna start saying “figuratively” when the context calls for “literally” just to cheese off the pedants and impress the dullards and ironists.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

There are two types of people, those who can't keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes.

I accidently swallowed a toy Superman!

Luckily I'm a radiologist so I was able to search for the hero inside myself…

I went line dancing last night. Well, it was a sobriety test...
same thing.

I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest... just not more than I don’t want to.

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one.

I'm not lost, I'm hiding.

Nobody under 25 thinks 40 is the new 20. Only 40-somethings believe that shit.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

My wife told me no one is coming over for Thanksgiving and I can sit in my underwear all day, so much to be thankful for.

I think i can become a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.

Choosing to care less is a form of self-care.

You’d be amazed at the things I don’t believe.

I don't have a short temper, I just have a quick reaction to bullshit.

“I never apologize… I’m sorry but that’s the way I am.”

Tonite, I heard two women fight over me. They own the apartment above mine.

Want: cuddles
Receives: struggles

I never make stupid mistakes... only very clever ones.

Hot take: people who say ‘I hate to tell you this’, actually love to tell you that.

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else.

I've found an exercise that's actually fun....
Running away from my responsibilities.

Somebody called me a good looker.
Well, they actually said voyuer.

I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…

I just realized that the only time I'm good at dancing is when I'm about to pee my pants.

Everytime I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel.

Everything seemed to be coming my way today, but I was just in the wrong lane.

People have told me I have a messiah complex but that’s OK, I forgive them.

When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."

It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.

We all make mistakes... I just do it better than everyone else.

We encourage people to do what they love but we judge them when they actually do it.

My main hobby is trying to remember what I just said.

A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the 'b' is silent.

My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I've put in place for burglars.

I did not trip... the floor looked like it needed a hug.

If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well for me anyway.

It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.

Accidentally used the dog's shampoo today, and I'm feeling like such a good boy.

I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.

I'm like a superhero with no powers or motivation.

I may not be as sharp or young or good looking or funny or active or talented um... I forgot where I was going with this.

They say "revenge is a dish best served cold". They also say "revenge is sweet".
So basically, Revenge is Ice Cream.

Sometimes when I have my life together, I sit back and think to myself "Now, that was a great 45 seconds."

If you ever need someone who's terrible at hiding, you know where I am.

My house isn't messy, just customs designed.

Maybe there's no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

Things I've learned: There's no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.

I often confuse reptiles & amphibians. Actually, if I'm brutally honest,they pretty much never know what I'm talking about.

The worst part about losing your glasses is needing your glasses to find them.

I have learned so much from my mistakes that I'm thinking of making a few more... (just to make sure)

The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.

Isn't It Ironic?
My wife was trying to explain to me that I didn't know what irony meant, which was ironic because I had just taken a shower.

Know what’s ironic?
A computer asking me if I’m a robot.

If I promise to miss you, will you go, like, really far away?

I have no problems with keeping a secret. It is the people who I tell those secrets to, who can't stay hush.

It is an irony that the math book looks so happy despite having so many problems.

What's the three most important words for every married man. It's my fault.

The irony of life is that by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re not going anywhere.

If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.

Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.

If there was an award for the least effective way to clean things, I would sweep the table.

For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.

PRETTY? What I do when I see someone pretty? I smile, I stare, and then when I get tired I put the mirror down...

I’m considering becoming a mind reader...
What are your thoughts?

It's What's Inside That Matters... the fridge is a perfect example!

I'm a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker.

I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do!!

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff.

The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.

Ironically, of all the phobias that people suffer from, the fear of heights is right near the top.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I know I do.

It's unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.

My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.

When I die, I'd like the word 'Humble' to be written on my statue.

My mom taught me to “work until your bank account balance looks like a phone number.”

Does $9.11 count?