Ironic Jokes: Laugh Your Way Through Life's Twists & Turns.

We were so poor growing up, we had pillow case fights.....

Every time you go to court your in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury service.

I found a book titled "How to Solve 50% of Your Problems", so I bought two copies.

Somebody stole the bus stop sign from my street last night. Honestly where do these people get off?

Just opened my water bill and my electric bill at the same time. I was shocked!

My wife said that I was too impulsive and that I should think twice before doing anything.
At first I agreed with her, but now, on second thoughts...

I was so ugly when I was born,
The doctor slapped my mother .

It's not everyday that you get a hand job from your barber, then again not everyone cuts their own hair.

Medusa must be sexiest Goddess ever lived. Why? Just one glance and your hard.

I missed my nap today,
I slept right through it .

A lot of people cry when they cut an onion. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

5 signs of laziness
1.

Do not let them take the temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese and came home with two cases of beer.

If you're being chased by a serial killer, bo.th of you are running for your life.

I think I’m very indecisive. Actually, now I’m not quite sure.

The gay crime boss surprised everyone by announcing he was going straight.

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator ?

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

My goat ate my DVD of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest,
Which is surprising because he hated the book .

My wife said just for once pay me a compliment. I said l love your blonde hair and the way you dye your roots black.

I returned the boomerang order back to Amazon just to check if the product met my expectations.

A baby sitter is a teenager who behaves like an adult, while the adults are out behaving like teenagers.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes...
She hugged me.

I remember going to see Dr Hook in the 1970s.
Worst prostate examination ever.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

“My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.”

I don't know how many stars are in the sky - the number has to be astronomical.

Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

I just went into the bank and the woman behind the counter had a mask on.
I gave her all my money.

The wife wasn’t herself this morning. I was going to ask her “What’s wrong,” but I only had 2 hours before I had to go to work.

When James Bond is out of the country, is he known as +44 07?

I made my younger brother swallow a torch.
You should of seen his little face light up.

I have an excellent memory except for three things. Names, faces and something else.

After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.

Every time I walk by she says: “What an ass!”

My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.
Eventually she came round.

My wife is incredibly smart.

When I called her from my buddy’s phone she answered “hey love.”

She already knew it was me!

Just met a guy in a pub who was claiming to be Harry Potter’s Godfather. I said, ‘are you being Sirius?’ 😉

My wife says I only have two faults.
I don't listen and something else.

I don't like surprises.
Which is why I never open my electricity bill or my bank statement.

The first rule of "Condescending Club” is really kinda complex and I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you.

Just found out my stuttering cousin died in prison. He didn't even get to finish his sentence.

I've just had a bloke knock on my door asking me to sign the organ donor register. I thought, there's a man after my own heart!

So this guy tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that was the last thing I needed.

I Before E.
Except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.
Weird.

You know.....
When you're drinking beer,
The beer is getting drunk too!
🤔

If you had the choice of a Happy marriage or a Jaguar what would you choose Petrol or diesel?

Our anniversary is coming up and my wife’s been leaving jewelry catalogues everywhere.
So I took the hint and bought her a magazine rack.

If strippers are called exotic dancers then drug dealers should be called exotic pharmacists.

I have the ability to guess what’s inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

My mates say I'm tight, so I bought them a beer...... turns out they wanted one each.

I'm such a believer in reincarnation in my will I've left everything to myself.

This book, “The Procrastination Cure: 21 Proven Tactics For Conquering Your Inner Procrastinator”.
I have had it in my Amazon shopping cart for six months, I will probably order it tomorrow.

Has anyone noticed before the Amazon rainforest caught fire, Amazon the company made a product called the "Kindle"?

Have you heard the news about the Amazon rainforest?
It’s spreading like wildfire.

My new year’s resolution was to get in shape.
I chose round.

My wife is acting really childishly.
Last night she came into the bathroom and sank my boats.

I have an inferiority complex but it’s not as good as other people’s.

How can you tell if someone is Vegan? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you...

The doctor put me on a crash diet, saying don’t eat anything fatty.
For clarification I asked, by fatty do you mean pies, fries, burgers etc?
He said, no what I mean is, fatty don’t eat anything!

BEWARE
of pointless warnings

Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!

My best friend ran away with my wife..
..it's only been three days and I really miss him.

If animals don’t want to be eaten, then why are they made out of food.

why did the blind man fall down the well?
he couldn’t see that well.

I saw in the news no more Eskimo pies will be made for fear the name may offend people. I never knew the word "pie" was derogatory.

My wife left me because I’m so paranoid and insecure.
No, wait, she was just in the kitchen making a coffee.

I went to a premature ejaculation meeting tonight. Turns out it’s tomorrow.

If your spouse is not an avid Star Wars fan, may divorce be with you.

Did you know there are more planes in the ocean than there are boats in the sky?!?!

A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks."
"From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way." "When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night."
The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to make love. After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"
"What the hell is Bell 4?" the husband asks.
"Roll out more hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

“the thing you are worried about doesn’t care if you are worried or not.”

"Don't tell people about your problems... 90% don't care, & the other 10% are glad you have them."

Vegan: Pudding please.
Me: Sorry no pudding for you.
Vegan: Why?
Me: How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?🔥

I was teased in middle school.
They called me an elephant.
I'll never forget that.

I've just left my job at the helium factory.
There's no way I'm being spoken to in that tone.

Went into the kitchen this morning, the wife was face-down and not breathing. I panicked and didn't know what to do. Then I remembered that McDonald's do breakfast until 11.00 am.

Saw a book on 'How To Get Rich'. Couldn't afford to buy the fuckin' thing.

The best way to get over someone, is with a car.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.
I saw it through my telescope last night.