Clean Jokes for All: A Family-Friendly Laughter Extravaganza.

Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.

It's also their biggest import.

Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about me choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves...
but I don't like to point fingers...

Why can’t skeletons play church music?

They don’t have any organs.

I sometimes use phrases that I don't understand, and vice versa.

I'm trying to start a chewing gum recycling company...
I just need a little help getting it off the ground...

If you think the Royal Albert Hall is big wait until you see the Royal Albert Living Room!

Archaeologists have dug up a book called "Irish Dancing Part Two: What to Do with Your Arms"

I’m due back in court on Monday,charged with stealing 1,000 Scrabble tiles.
The judge says he is expecting an extended sentence.

What’s a Pirate’s favourite letter?
If you thought R you’d be wrong. Everyone knows a true pirates first love is always the C.

My least favourite colour is purple.

I hate it more than blue and red combined.

At school I was rubbish at English but brilliant at Jograffy.

Thieves have been breaking into fabric stores. Based on the locations they seem to be following a pattern. Police have blanketed the area but still don't have any material witnesses.

What did the baby corn say to the mamma corn?

Where's popcorn?

An old French lady had a small shop in her village for years until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop.

They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said:
Butter - 10 francs.

In response, the lady added a sign to her own window:
Butter - 9 francs.

The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign:
Butter - 8 francs.
Sure enough, the day after the lady's sign now read:
Butter - 7 francs.

This went on for a while, until eventually one of the lady's customers pointed to the sign and said,

“Madame, you cannot keep your prices so low for long. These big companies can use their buying power to sell products cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete."

In response, the old lady bent forward conspiratorially and muttered,

"Monsieur, I don't even sell butter."

I love bumping into people wearing camouflage and apologizing because I did not see them there.

A police officer came up to me tonight and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten."

I went into Greggs today and asked, "How much are sausage rolls?"

"£2 for two," the assistant said.

"How much for one?" I enquired.

"£1.20," she replied.

"I'll have the other one," I told her.

I know several jokes in sign language.
I guarantee you,no one has ever heard them before.

- What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut ?
- A barberque !

Anxiety is like when video game combat music is playing but you can't find any enemies.

There are two rules in life,
1. Never give out all the information.

My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.

Cannibal
(n.) Someone who is fed up with people.

Random person: What do you call the god of thunder that cleans?
Me: jani-THOR 😆

Patient: “Doctor, I have a phobia against marriage”
Doctor: “Do you know why that is?”
Patient: “I can’t say I do”

Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

I'm nervous about my new job at the caterpillar farm.

I've got butterflies already.

You can now get an action-packed boat trip to that Japanese cat island.
It's a Tom Cruise.

Did you hear about the wedding photographer who was killed when he was crushed by an enormous block of cheese? To be fair, the entire group of posing guests did try to warn him.

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.

It's Palindrome race day, and I think I know which car will win

A Toyota

Although it could well be another Racecar.

If there’s one thing that always makes me throw up...

It’s a dart board on the ceiling.

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the
service, his cousin asks him: "How many men can a woman marry?"

"Sixteen!" replies the little boy.

...His cousin laughed and asked how he knew this.

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up!

4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer!"

I started watching a new show about terrible DIY advice.
I'm now glued to the television.

How often does a Smurf fart?
Once in a Blue moon.

Sunday and Monday are in a fight.
Who wins??
Sunday!
Because Monday is a weekday. 😉

What did the jeweler say to his girlfriend?
"Give me a ring when you get home."

Why isn't there a clock in the library?

Because it tocks too much.

Warning. if you get an email from someone called Ding Dong
Don't open it.
It's Jehovah's Witnesses working from home.

I forget how a Guillotine works. Off the top of my head.

One grasshopper told another about eating corn. It went in one ear and out the other.

Any salad can be a Cesar Salad...if you stab it enough times....

An ice cream van exploded down the road this morning. When I got there the area was already coned off.

Tried a new item on the menu, Pelican burger.
It was lovely, but the bill was enormous.

- What makes a bull sweat?
- A tight jersey.

What did the salt say to the pepper?
What’s Shakin’?

I have no idea what to buy at the supermarket.
I feel listless.

A teacher asked her class, “If there were 100 sheep in a pen and 1 got out, how many are left?” A student answered, “none;” inwhich the teacher corrected him, “No, if there 100 sheep and 1 gets out, there are still 99 sheep left.” The little farm boy replied, “Teacher, you may know math, but you don’t know sheep; if 1 gets out, they all get out!”

I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.

- What did the slat say to the plank?
- I’m a little board.

The Lego's were upset because they were not invited to the block party.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who dreamed he was eating a giant marshmallow?
A: When he woke up, his pillow was gone.

Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
A: Fingernails.

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he neverlands.

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."

Q. What is the color of the wind?
A. Blew.

Q. What do clouds do when they become rich?
A. They make it rain!

Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"

Q: How do trees access the internet?
A: They log in.

Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: "You're too young to smoke."