Clean Jokes for All: A Family-Friendly Laughter Extravaganza.

Where do skeletons eat in?
The dyning room.

I recently met a guy who says he flies kites, and tells the wildest tails. He might just be stringing me along.

I couldn't tell if i was seeing a UFO or a frisbee...

Then it hit me.

If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.

I always think the thumb is on the left side...

On the other hand, it might be on the right side.

A girl met a guy at the subway.

G: Everytime you smile I feel like calling you over to my place

B: awww... Are you single?

G: No I'm a dentist

What do you call a group of Whales on a TV show? A podcast.

Detective: “The victim must have had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

Cyclops was doing a crossword and asked his wife how to spell Hawaii. She said, “You need to i’s.” He said, “Well, that’s rude!”

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.

What do you call a reptile in Space?
Scalien.

Whats the difference between a sea and a sale?
You can sail a sea, and see a sale.

Miss Piggy is the beneficiary of Kermit's life insurance policy. She just has to wait until he croaks.

I quit visiting my acupuncturist when he stopped using needles.
I just didn’t get the point.

Why does the new Russian Navy have glass bottom boats? So they can see the old Russian Navy.

Watching TV is a nightmare nowadays!

Violence, fighting, cursing, swearing...

And thats just to get the remote!

Instructor: Welcome to salsa class. Now let’s learn how to dance!

Me: (hiding bag of tortilla chips and sneaking out)

The difference between a teacher and a train, is that the teacher tells you to spit out your gum, but the train says chew, chew!

I keep asking people what's the lowest military rank and they all tell me "It's private." So frustrating!

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

The telemarketer asked me if I read magazines at all and I replied that I did, periodically.

This really polite person was driving the train.
He was a ……
CIVIL Engineer!

Rolling out of bed is easy... getting up off of the floor is another story.

I've got really sensitive teeth.

They'll be really upset I told you.

The Dalai Lama spends a lot of time in Vegas.
.
I heard it's because he likes Tibet.

I bought a book called 'How to become an expert at Origami'.
So far, I've made 1000 paper snowballs.

I'm going to work as a waitress for the summer for the first time. Yall got any tips?

All the animals at the zoo were asleep when I visited. I was otterly disappointed.

A cage gate at the rare Asian animals' annex at the zoo was left unlocked. It was a panda-monium.

Australians don’t reproduce.

They mate.

Sundays..

Sleep until youre hungry then eat until youre sleepy.

I started studying sign language and I'm starting to believe it's handy.

I was looking forward to getting a new broom after I won the sweepstake.

Why dont eggs have eyes? Because they would be too egg sighted.

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way.

When the ballet's wardrobe was lost, the ballerina was forced to wear a subtitutu.

What happened to the guy who had a fetish for population statistics? He finally came to his census.

I don’t sing well. I once joined a church choir and was told I should sing tenor. As in: ten or twenty yards away from the choir.

Those who can't dance shouldn't.
Those who can, can Can- can.

Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

Marriage 101: When the wife is out mowing the lawn after a long day at work, dont ask her when dinner will be ready.

I won $3 million on the lottery last weekend. So I've decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $2,999,999,75. left.

Me : I Love my Life
My Life : Excuse me , We are just Friends

FUN Fact
Nothing makes an introvert happy than a cancelled plan.

Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it's like a high-five for your feet.

So I said to the decorator “What is Satin Finish?”

He said: “No idea, but I know what Chair is in Swedish.”

Why do real estate agents love Thanksgiving so much?
They have “lots” to be grateful for.

What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.

What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.

Why did the real estate agent buy a skateboard?
So they could flip it.

Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.

What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.

My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.

How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.

“Hey, I might be looking to find a new brokerage. How many agents work at your brokerage?”

“About half!”

Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.

Agent: “This house is great, but it’s really for the cats.”

Buyer: “What do you mean?”

Agent: “It will take you nine lives to pay off the mortgage.”

9 months really isn't that long...

It just feels like a maternity.

So there's a new record holder for the world's biggest egg.
7.4 kilos!
That'll take some beating.

I am a pretty amazing ventriloquist.

Even if I say so myself.