The Best Car Jokes to Fuel Your Sense of Humor.

Woman shopping in The supermarket notices a cute young assistant,he has such a nice arse it makes her randy.
She asks him to carry her shopping to her car,on the way she cannot hold back any more and says to him "I've got an Itchy pussy".
He says "You'll have to point it out love,all these fucking Japanese cars look the same to me!!"

I just bought a crappy car that was made in Prague.
The Czech engine light keeps coming on.

I crashed into two Volkswagen Golfs today and made a hole in one!

My car has a feature that allows the star of Top Gun to take over when I'm tired.

It's called Cruise control.

What do you call a Japanese car thief?

Tommy Tukkamotor !

About 4 years ago, I made a big decision to remove all the side & rear view mirrors from my car and I haven't looked back since...

I’m writing my life story from the viewpoint of all the cars I’ve owned. It’s going to be an auto biography.

I was looking to buy a car and the car salesman said it would do 500 miles without putting fuel in.
I asked him - "How far will it go if I put fuel in?"

Did you hear about the man who sold his car,
To get some money for petrol?

When one door opens , another one closes.

Other than that , it's a good car .

Just spent ages waxing my car !!

Still not sure how it gets that hairy !!

You know you’re a bad driver when Siri says: “In 400 feet, stop and let me out!”

I've converted my car to run solely on herbs.
It's great.. I've always wanted to thyme travel..

What kind of cars do elephants drive?
Convertibles with lots of trunk space.

Jesus' fav car is??... Christ-ler.

Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their cars fuel gauge.

Making car payments is the lease of my worries.

I was lying in my driveway thinking "Which of my mates just kicked the jack from under my car?"
The suspension was killing me.

Apparently, I snore so loud it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

I took my car back to the dealer yesterday!
I said “it won’t go past 60 up our hill”
He said “why do you need it to go past 60?”
I said “I live at number 73”

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip...

My friend keeps complaining about his car from Sweden.
I'm tired of his Saab stories

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy replies: "In the car."
"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.

If all the cars in the nation were pink,
It would be a pink carnation.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

Yesterday i hit the gym, then drove off because i don't have car insurance.

My wife said she is tired of my constant puns about car parts.
I said "Do you find it exhausting?"

A snail goes into a dealership, pay cash for a new car and asked the salesperson to have the body shop paint an "S" on each door. The salesperson asked why and the snail said so people will say, 'look at that escargot'.

Took my car in for a service......
It was a real struggle getting it into the church.

I can't stand driving, I find the roof is too low.

How do you tie 2 Hondas together?
With Accord.

When one door closes, another one opens.... That's when you realize that you've bought a really bad second hand car.

I painted flowers on my car cuz' I want to put the petal to the metal.

What has 10 letters and starts with Gas.

....Automobile

What do you call a really old electric Toyota?
Prius-toric!

If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.

When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a Transformer.

I’m not sure I could honestly say I love my cars indicators.
We have an on off sort of relationship to be honest . . .

My girlfriend tried to persuade me to have sex with her on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord!

I heard if you push the accelerator and brake pedal at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

What does Mickey Mouse's girlfriend drive?
A Minnie Cooper.......

Recently, I've tried to make a car without wheels.
I've been working on it tirelessly.🏎🚗🚙

I walked into a car showroom last night.
I said to the salesman, “My girlfriend would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the showroom window.”
He said, “We haven't got a Volkswagen Golf in the showroom window.”
I said, “You have now mate".

I was driving along this lovely lane when I saw a sign saying "Man digging road". I thought, "It's cool, I'm digging it too, man".

Opened a facility where you can see cars being assembled. Its called eye kia.

A police officer spotted a man driving along the motorway whilst knitting. He got his attention and shouted "pull over!". The man looked back and said "well, I think of it more as a jumper".

I found a used car I wanted to buy in Prague, but the Czech engine light was on.

What happens when you drive a Subaru in reverse?
Ur a bus.

How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or just complimenting your driving?

I work to buy a car to go to work.

Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

What time is it when you get hit by a car?
Time to die.

Boy: why is my sister named Rose ?
Dad: someone threw a rose out of a car and it hit her in the head.
Boy: okay Dad
Dad: No problem Brick

What does a car have when its very itchy?
A road rash.

What car does Hitler drive?
A fuhrerri.

What’s the difference between my car and a hooker?
I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.