Dark Humor Haven: Where Laughter Meets the Macabre.

I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl.
It's twelve.

The tensest crowd I've ever seen was at the funeral of the man who invented the Jack in the Box.

When I die I want my remains spread around Disneyland.
Plus, I don't want to be cremated.

Undertakers are the best friends, because they are always the last to LET YOU DOWN.

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.

Driving home from the funeral, she realized her panties had disappeared. She suspects it was the undertaker.

"I was caught stealing in Iran.", Tom said offhandedly.

It's open mike night at the autopsy club.

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

Back in my dating days I went parking in a cemetery with my girlfriend. Policeman taps on my window.. “Didn’t you see that sign that said closed at 9 o’clock?” “No sir, we came in by the sign that said get lots while you’re young...”

I worked at a local cemetery. I was the one responsible for making the holes are 6ft deep...
Never actually dig this job though.

When I die I wanna be buried upside down so everyone can kiss my arse!!!

Saw a man in the cemetery and said “Morning”.
He said “No I’m just walking the dog”!

Where can you find the cemetery???
Dead centre of town.

I actually work at a cemetery.
I never get any complaints from the residents.

Q: What do you want on your Tombstone?
A: pepperoni and cheese.

Last week a light plane crashed in our local cemetery, they've been digging up body's for 5 days.

I hate to hear that the cemetery groundskeeper died. Poor guy. Always so busy. He'll be buried in his work forever now.

The minister buried the deceased in the wrong plot.
He was gravely mistaken.

Why do they put railings around a cemetery?
People in can’t get out and people out don’t want to go in.

After a friends funeral we all went to the cemetery I asked the widow “do you mind if I say a word?” She said “no go right ahead” I stood up and I said “plethora”. She said “thanks that means a lot”

"Do you dig graves?"
"Well I mean, they're alright."

I work in a hospital. The patients are dying to get out.

Q. Do you know who's buried in that cemetery?
A. Dead people.

Why is it quicker to walk through a cemetery,
if you drive you've got to go dead slow.

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

A patient cured is a customer lost. 💉💊👨‍⚕️

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

I asked the wife, “What would you really like for your birthday?”
Quick as a flash she replied “ A widows pension”.

I don’t mean to brag but my dad was a very important person. At his work he had five hundred people below him.

He mowed lawns at the cemetery!

What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? It's butt. 🦟

"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked. "To the morgue," the doctor replied. "What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!" "And we're not there yet," the doctor said. 😁

It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive. 💊

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus.
And I lost my job as a bus driver! 🚌

"I work with animals," the guy says to his date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend."
Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence." 🔥

What's the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer. ⚕

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey. 🐒

What gift did the kid with no hands get for his birthday?
No idea. He hasn't figured out how to open it yet.

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?" ⁉

If at first you don't succeed… Then skydiving definitely isn't for you.🪂

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Never break someone's heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them. 🦴

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"
"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!" 😁

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors. 😁

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said. "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days." 👨‍⚕️

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.
I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she's seeing someone. It's either really terrible news or really great news. 😎

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!" They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals. ☦

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow. 🚸

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life. 🔥

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife is dead.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort.