Bar Jokes: Laughter, Libations and All Things Alcoholic.

A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.
He asks her, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerfuck."

A piece of string walks into a bar.
Before he sits down the bartender yells “Hey! We don’t serve pieces of string like you!”
The piece of string goes outside, ties himself in a bow, and rolls around on the ground for a bit. Then he gets up, goes back into the bar, and sits down.
The bartender says “Aren’t you that piece of string?” The string replies “No. I’m a frayed knot.”

Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch."
The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"
The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss,"
The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am."

A baseball walks into a bar — the bartender throws it out.

A cornstalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Want to hear a joke?” The corn stalk replies, “I’m all ears!”

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

Guy walks into a bar and yells, “All lawyers are assholes.”
The man at the end of the bar says” I object to that remark”.
The guy responds: “Why, are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an asshole”, says the man.

A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender. He says, “you’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.

This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey! We have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper replies, “Really? You have a drink named Steve?!”

A ghost walks into a bar, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits.”

Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown. The first cannibal whacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, “Hey, do you taste something funny?”

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

A crab walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint please, but if I’m not satisfied with it, I’d like to be compensated with ten bottles of champagne.” The bartender says, “Why the big clause?”

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A panda walks into a bar.
He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.

“Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!”

Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first says, “I’ll have a beer.”

The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.”

The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.”

Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder.
The cat is wearing a little baseball cap. "Hey, that’s neat," says the bartender. "Where did you get that?”
“France," the kitty says, "they’ve got millions of them!”

A screwdriver rolls into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The screwdriver squeals, "You have a drink named Philip??"

A neutron walks into a bar.
"How much for a beer?" the neutron asks.
"For you?" says the bartender. "No charge."

An amnesiac walks into a bar.
He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out!” shouts the barman. “We don’t serve your type here!”

Q: What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?
A: A cab.

A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon, his spurs clinking as he walks, his six-shooter slapping at his furry hip. He bellies up to the bar, stares down the bartender, and proclaims, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.

A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?”
The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?”
The lion replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”

A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots. Before the bartender even returns with the check, the man has slammed back half of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the guy finishes his final shot, the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy wipes his mouth and replies, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had." The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents,” and runs out the door.

Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab owner says, "Let's get a beer." The chihuahua walker complains, "That would be great, but we can't take our dogs in there." The first responds, "Watch me."
The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer. The bartender tells her, "Sorry, you can't bring your dog in here." "He's my seeing eye dog," the woman replies feigning offense. The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.
The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well. Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar. "He's my seeing eye dog," the woman replies. "Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break."
Without missing a beat, the woman replies, "They gave me a chihuahua?!"

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink, but the bartender yells at him to get out before he stinks up the place. The mushroom looks taken aback and says, “Why? I’m a fun guy.”

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks what he’d like. The horse doesn’t reply because it’s a horse and obviously can’t speak or understand English. Several people get up and leave, sensing the danger in having a live animal in a bar.

A guy walks into a bar and is shocked to see a horse tending bar. As the horse finishes preparing an excellent Horse’s Neck, he turns to the awestruck patron and demands, "Hey buddy, what's the matter? You can't believe that a horse can tend bar?"
"No," the guys says. "I can't believe the ferret sold the place."

A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy some peanuts." The bartender says, "Sorry, don't sell peanuts." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and again says, "I want to buy some peanuts." The bartender replies, a bit gruffly this time, "I already told you I don't sell peanuts." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck comes in once again and yet again demands, "I want to buy some peanuts!" The outraged bartender yells back, "I told you, I don't sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I'll nail you to the wall!" The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks into the bar and before the bartender can say a word, the duck asks, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender looks taken aback and says quietly, "Sorry, don't have nails." The duck asks, "Well then, do you have any peanuts?"

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a Martinus." The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a Martini?" "Look," Caesar replies, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"

E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don't serve minors.”

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill. The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here." The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. Where did he come from?"
The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice the genie tells the man he has but one wish.
The man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks." All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into people’s drinks.
“What just happened?!” the guy asks. His friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"
The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

A guy walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same.
The bartender asks, "Why did you do that?" And the guy replies, "Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!"

Guy walks up to the bar and has a big smile on his face. The bartender say what can I get you? The guys say 5 shots. The bartender says what you celebrating. The guy says just had my first blow job. The bartender says yeah well let me get you a beer. The guy say no if the whiskey cant wash the taste out of my mouth nothing well.