The Best Car Jokes to Fuel Your Sense of Humor.

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the post.

I sent it right back - way too expensive and really bad quality.

If you drive a Subaru backward, what are you?

U r a bus.

When someone yells out “You asshole!” while I’m driving I always wonder how they know.

I really like your LED headlights, can I look at them with my hammer?

Wife. "What does the yellow traffic light mean?"
Me. "Slow down. "
Wife. "What-does-the-yellow-traffic-light-mean?"

I always keep my guitar in the car now.

It's good for traffic jams.

Did you hear what happened to the wooden car ?

It wooden go.

My wife gave birth in our car on the way to the hospital.

I named him Carson.

Funny, those road signs: "Caution - Watch for children!"

I mean, how dangerous can a child be?

"I can fart hard enough to inflate a car tire"

— Elon Musk

its really useful having a car...

...for keeping your bank account empty.

If some of your moms would have just swallowed I would never get stuck in traffic.....

Dance like no one's watching. Sing like no one's listening.
Drive like no one knows you have
a corpse in the trunk.

For those who put antlers on your car, just know I’m not stupid, I know it’s a car.

Drunk driving isn’t the problem, drunk crashing is.

IM NOT RACIST , MY TYRES ARE BLACK.

A Swiss automobile company is recalling its vehicles because they keep getting stuck in neutral.

Never judge a man until you’ve driven a mile with his wife.

I was changing the flat tire by myself. Suddenly my car slipped off the jack, landing on my foot. Now I have no choice. I’m gonna need a toe.

Thanks to road engineering design, emotional drivers
can pull off to the side and have a shoulder to cry on.

I believe in sharing the road with other drivers... they can have the part behind me.

My wife is mad at me. I forgot to open the car door for her.
Instead I panicked, and swam to the surface.

You know what really grinds my gears?!?
- Teaching people how to drive a stick shift!

There was a leper who failed his driving test...

for leaving his foot on the gas.

Parking a car doesn't need much space.
Parking 10 cars?
That needs a lot.

What's the difference between a sports car and a dead prostitute

I haven't got a sports car in my garage.

What is the difference between driving in the fog and a 69’er?

You can actually see the asshole in front of you!

I took my flat tire to the repair shop and told them they could take as much time as they needed to fix it. There was no pressure.

You know what really grinds my gears? Not knowing how to drive a stick shift.

The undertaker has two cars: his and hearse.

When I'm behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn't my fault.

The worst part about parallel parking is the witnesses.

The undertaker has two cars: his and hearse.

So I wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on.

The suspension is killing me.

I took my car in for a service today.
It was a real struggle dragging it up the stairs and into the church.

Someone asked me what my sign is.
I told them "No Parking".

My mate won't help me fix tyres, so I have to get someone who wheel.

Song for your beloved car??
Hyundai Will Always Love You...

I just bought a crappy car that was made in Prague.

The Czech engine light keeps coming on.

I'm proud to announce that I'm still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don't know we're racing.

My dog ran into a pine tree, now he’s wearing a cone!

I love lending my car to people, now people call me calendar.

So I just bought a new Ford Siesta, taking it back next week, effin thing wont start between 2pm and 5pm.

What does a Viking call his truck?
A Fjord.

Cop: You were going fast.
Me: I was just trying to keep up with traffic.
Cop: There isn't any.
Me: I know! That's how far behind I am.

I keep a guitar in the car with me now.

It's good for traffic jams.

I bought a used car with a frame that isn’t very straight . Now I drive a bently.

My son: The manual in the car says not to turn up the volume of the stereo to the maximum.

I told him that’s.... sound advice.

My cousin was arrested for stealing an electric car.

He was released due to a lack of an adequate charge.

Some people don't realize they're bad drivers because they can't see the signs.

I lost my virginity in the back seat of a Mercury Grand Marquis so I know a thing or two about luxury.

Of course passenger side car seat heaters are necessary all year round.

How else do people keep their tacos warm ?

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...

But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

I took my car in for a service the other day it is still stuck inside the church doors.

FUN Fact:
If you sneeze while driving at 60 mph, you may travel 50 feet with your eyes closed, according to a study.

Chevrolet and Toyota are making a hybrid vehicle. It's a single seater that runs on alternative fuel... It's a Toylet!

I predict that the phrase dropping someone off will go out of use once flying cars are mainstream.

Any place can be a drive-thru if your brakes don't work.

A man walked into a car dealership.
He said to the salesman, “My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the showroom window.”
Salesman said, “We haven't got a Volkswagen Golf in the showroom window.”
The man replied, “You do now.”

Her: That Chevy Spark you're driving is tiny.
Me: I'm compensating.