Random health joke:


My mate Dave went to see his doctor yesterday.
Dave said to the doctor "I applied that haemorrhoid cream you gave me and I got a very nasty reaction."
"Where exactly did you apply it?" the doctor asked.
“On the bus!” said Dave

Health jokes collection.


Selected health jokes:


Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worse case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.


‘Doc, when I smell Mexican food, my heart races’.
“Hmmm. Sounds like tacocardia”


Bacon will always hold a special place in my heart. Actually I guess in my arteries would be more accurate.


A woman goes to the doctor and says "im getting too much discharge"
The Dr says "pop off your knickers and hop onto the bed" he then puts on a latex glove and applies three fingers into her vagina
"How does that feel?" He asks
"Fucking lovely but the discharge is in my ear!" She replied.😂


More doctor jokes...


What does D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexic Association.


What do you call an orgy during a pandemic?
A super spreader event.


Cause of death:
Too shy to call ambulance.


I need someone to brush their teeth with me because my dentist said brushing alone will not prevent cavities


I joined the rowing team for health reasons...

since then Ive had repeated strokes.


Nurse: "What happened to your fingers?"
Me: You know those chefs who can chop things up really fast?" Nurse: Yes
Me: I can't do that.


A nurse digs into her bag for a pen to write a cheque and pulls out a rectal thermometer. Great she sighs Some arsehole's got my pen.


Looks like dentists could be next to strike.
So brace yourself.


Once you’ve been to the dentist enough times, you pretty much know the drill.


I was bringing a stool sample to my doctor when some jerk slammed into me and I dropped it. I was so angry, totally lost my shit.


You know that feeling when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat?
Yeah, thats arrhythmia.
You can die from that!


Doctor told me the accident broke all my fingers.

It was hard to grasp.


Went to the doctors yesterday with a suspicious looking mole.
He said they all look like that and I should have left him in my garden.


My dentist offered to give me dentures for one dollar. I thought it was a good deal.
- But now I have buck teeth!


My dentist uses the sensitive toothpaste.
He has fillings too.


What do hospital gowns and insurance have in common?
You think you're covered, but you're not.


I finally found someone who sees something in me!
She runs the x-ray at the hospital.


They asked me if I had my flu shot.

I'm not sure I even know where my flu even IS!


When I went to the hospital and they had me put on that “gown.”
I knew that the end was in sight.


My doctor keeps telling me I have a problem with my earring... but I don't even have my ear pierced.


The ophthalmologist was called to testify because he was the only eye witness.


My dentist recently bought a boat. Now he’s a floating doc(k).


Think I might have monkey pox I’m craving bananas and just shot a turd at a waitress.


Where do sailors go when they feel sick?

The dock-tor.


A navy eye doctor told a sailor that he needed surgery. He replied, "Aye aye sir!"


I told the job interviewer I had premature ejaculation.
Apparently that's not what he meant by 'shortcomings'.


I have a problem with premature ejaculation.
I know it came out of nowhere but i wanted to share it with everyone.


I went to a conference on premature ejaculation the other week...
Got there 5 minutes early but the conference had already finished.


A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go.


A man goes to the urologist. He walks in, takes down his pants and takes out his member.

"Doctor, doctor I have a problem. My wife says I'm premature."

"Premature? I'd say she has a point, I'm only the receptionist. Hold on a minute, the doctor will se you in a bit."


I was going to get tested for ADD, but got distracted.


What’s the worst thing you could hear during open heart surgery?

Anything!


You would think that being a submarine captain would pay well, but I hear they can’t keep their heads above water.


I went to my doctor yesterday and he told me i hsve hypochondria.

I said, “Oh no, not that, too!”


I wasn't too happy that my doctor told me to cut down on my constant dancing, so I just grabbed my coat, and waltzed right out of there.


So I went to the doctors this morning...
I said to the receptionist: "I need to see a doctor because I've had a voodoo curse put on me".
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"Yes, he will do.", I said.


I accidentally left an apple outside my local doctors office.

Now he wont be able to get in.


The FBI Just raided a local dentist office.
They are currently performing a cavity search.


Do you think the US government mishandled the Pandemic?
I’m not just certain, I’m COVID positive.


Pediatricians have very little patients.


My doctor left the hospital abruptly today to meet with the house contractor. He really needs to work on his bedside manor.


The dentist was set to get at the root of the problem. I don't ever want to go down that canal again.


My first acupuncture appointment is Monday. I’m not sure how this will work out, needles to say….


Something tells me I have a dentist appointment today. I just have that filling.


The only way to get AIDS from a toilet seat, is by sitting down before the last guy gets up.


Phoned the doctor and said I think I have constipation.
He relplied;
Don't give a shit.


My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.


Doctor who specializes in adam's apples..
Guyneckologist.


Went to the doctor as I was feeling constipated.

We talked shit for 30 minutes....


Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worse case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.


Little Red riding hood found in a critical condition.
Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.


Tonight is the Constipation Clubs Annual dinner.
Sadly I can't go.


Im in hospital!
Dont Panic!
I ate what I thought was an onion, but it was a daffodill bulb!
Doctors reckon Ill be out in the Spring.


Doctor: I’m just going to lightly brush you to see if there is any reaction, okay?
Me: A test tickle?
Doctor: I was thinking more like the back of your arm…


Accidentally put Viagra in my ear......now I'm hard of hearing.


Eye doctor: Your results aren't good.
Me: Can I see them?
Eye doctor: Probably not.


Hospital staff can be funny. They can leave you in stitches. Needle-ess to say they can be pricks. They can even have a music group: Band Aid. The cast is quite good, you can autograph them. Staff include: Tess Tube, Steph.R.Scope, Matt Rick Ingle a.k.a MRI, Dr X. Ray.


FUN Fact:
Laughing lowers stress hormones and strengthens the immune system by releasing health-enhancing hormones.


've just read yet another '30 places to go before you die' article that has neglected to include 'a hospital'.


My doctor told me it was curtains for me. He lives at the bottom of the garden and doesn’t want to watch me dress anymore.


Dentist: open up
me: sometimes life gets lonely man.


FUN Fact:
Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world, it is ten times more effective than Valium.


Knock! Knock!

Coronavirus: Who’s there?

Vaccine : It’s me.

Coronavirus: Give me a minute. I’m changing!


Doctor: The nurse says you have a hearing problem

Me: Yes. I hate fish

D: No. That’s herring

Me: What?


I had to change dentists because the last one hurt my fillings.


DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer.


Be kind to Dentists. They too have Fillings.


So excited I got a raise today, it was in medication dosage but a win is a win.


Doctor, looking at my X-rays, “I was afraid of that.
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “Skeletons”


Got my eyes tested today and told the doctor I wish I could have seen like this last year...

He said 2020 vision is hind sight.



More Health & Doctors jokes on the following pages...