Healthcare Comedy: Funny Doctor Jokes and Hospital Humor.

What’s the worst thing to hear your surgeon say during the operation?

Literally anything.

Does anyone know a cure for excessive ear wax?

If you do, please give me a shout.

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.Woman : Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. Man: ... Are you single?

Woman: No. I'm a dentist.

Dentist: Ok, let's get you numb.

Me: Life has already done that.

My doctor told me I’ll be paralyzed after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck. I was crushed by the news.

What does D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexic Association.

What do you call an orgy during a pandemic?
A super spreader event.

Cause of death:
Too shy to call ambulance.

I need someone to brush their teeth with me because my dentist said brushing alone will not prevent cavities

I joined the rowing team for health reasons...

since then Ive had repeated strokes.

Nurse: "What happened to your fingers?"
Me: You know those chefs who can chop things up really fast?" Nurse: Yes
Me: I can't do that.

A nurse digs into her bag for a pen to write a cheque and pulls out a rectal thermometer. Great she sighs Some arsehole's got my pen.

Looks like dentists could be next to strike.
So brace yourself.

Once you’ve been to the dentist enough times, you pretty much know the drill.

I was bringing a stool sample to my doctor when some jerk slammed into me and I dropped it. I was so angry, totally lost my shit.

You know that feeling when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat?
Yeah, thats arrhythmia.
You can die from that!

Doctor told me the accident broke all my fingers.

It was hard to grasp.

Went to the doctors yesterday with a suspicious looking mole.
He said they all look like that and I should have left him in my garden.

My dentist offered to give me dentures for one dollar. I thought it was a good deal.
- But now I have buck teeth!

My dentist uses the sensitive toothpaste.
He has fillings too.

What do hospital gowns and insurance have in common?
You think you're covered, but you're not.

I finally found someone who sees something in me!
She runs the x-ray at the hospital.

They asked me if I had my flu shot.

I'm not sure I even know where my flu even IS!

When I went to the hospital and they had me put on that “gown.”
I knew that the end was in sight.

My doctor keeps telling me I have a problem with my earring... but I don't even have my ear pierced.

The ophthalmologist was called to testify because he was the only eye witness.

My dentist recently bought a boat. Now he’s a floating doc(k).

Think I might have monkey pox I’m craving bananas and just shot a turd at a waitress.

Where do sailors go when they feel sick?

The dock-tor.

A navy eye doctor told a sailor that he needed surgery. He replied, "Aye aye sir!"

I told the job interviewer I had premature ejaculation.
Apparently that's not what he meant by 'shortcomings'.

I have a problem with premature ejaculation.
I know it came out of nowhere but i wanted to share it with everyone.

I went to a conference on premature ejaculation the other week...
Got there 5 minutes early but the conference had already finished.

A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go.

A man goes to the urologist. He walks in, takes down his pants and takes out his member.

"Doctor, doctor I have a problem. My wife says I'm premature."

"Premature? I'd say she has a point, I'm only the receptionist. Hold on a minute, the doctor will se you in a bit."

I was going to get tested for ADD, but got distracted.

What’s the worst thing you could hear during open heart surgery?

Anything!

You would think that being a submarine captain would pay well, but I hear they can’t keep their heads above water.

I went to my doctor yesterday and he told me i hsve hypochondria.

I said, “Oh no, not that, too!”

I wasn't too happy that my doctor told me to cut down on my constant dancing, so I just grabbed my coat, and waltzed right out of there.

So I went to the doctors this morning...
I said to the receptionist: "I need to see a doctor because I've had a voodoo curse put on me".
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"Yes, he will do.", I said.

I accidentally left an apple outside my local doctors office.

Now he wont be able to get in.

The FBI Just raided a local dentist office.
They are currently performing a cavity search.

Do you think the US government mishandled the Pandemic?
I’m not just certain, I’m COVID positive.

Pediatricians have very little patients.

My doctor left the hospital abruptly today to meet with the house contractor. He really needs to work on his bedside manor.

The dentist was set to get at the root of the problem. I don't ever want to go down that canal again.

My first acupuncture appointment is Monday. I’m not sure how this will work out, needles to say….

Something tells me I have a dentist appointment today. I just have that filling.

The only way to get AIDS from a toilet seat, is by sitting down before the last guy gets up.

Phoned the doctor and said I think I have constipation.
He relplied;
Don't give a shit.

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

Doctor who specializes in adam's apples..
Guyneckologist.

Went to the doctor as I was feeling constipated.

We talked shit for 30 minutes....

Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worse case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.

Little Red riding hood found in a critical condition.
Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

Tonight is the Constipation Clubs Annual dinner.
Sadly I can't go.

Im in hospital!
Dont Panic!
I ate what I thought was an onion, but it was a daffodill bulb!
Doctors reckon Ill be out in the Spring.

Doctor: I’m just going to lightly brush you to see if there is any reaction, okay?
Me: A test tickle?
Doctor: I was thinking more like the back of your arm…

Accidentally put Viagra in my ear......now I'm hard of hearing.