555+ Ironic, sardonic and cynical jokes to make you burst with laughter !

I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.

Just found out my stuttering cousin died in prison. He didn't even get to finish his sentence.

My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I've put in place for burglars.

I just realized that the only time I'm good at dancing is when I'm about to pee my pants.

My new year’s resolution was to get in shape.
I chose round.

My wife is acting really childishly.
Last night she came into the bathroom and sank my boats.

I have an inferiority complex but it’s not as good as other people’s.

How can you tell if someone is Vegan? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you...

The doctor put me on a crash diet, saying don’t eat anything fatty.
For clarification I asked, by fatty do you mean pies, fries, burgers etc?
He said, no what I mean is, fatty don’t eat anything!

BEWARE
of pointless warnings

Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!

My best friend ran away with my wife..
..it's only been three days and I really miss him.

If animals don’t want to be eaten, then why are they made out of food.

why did the blind man fall down the well?
he couldn’t see that well.

I saw in the news no more Eskimo pies will be made for fear the name may offend people. I never knew the word "pie" was derogatory.

My wife left me because I’m so paranoid and insecure.
No, wait, she was just in the kitchen making a coffee.

I went to a premature ejaculation meeting tonight. Turns out it’s tomorrow.

If your spouse is not an avid Star Wars fan, may divorce be with you.

Did you know there are more planes in the ocean than there are boats in the sky?!?!

A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks."
"From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way." "When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night."
The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to make love. After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"
"What the hell is Bell 4?" the husband asks.
"Roll out more hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

“the thing you are worried about doesn’t care if you are worried or not.”

"Don't tell people about your problems... 90% don't care, & the other 10% are glad you have them."

Vegan: Pudding please.
Me: Sorry no pudding for you.
Vegan: Why?
Me: How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?🔥

I was teased in middle school.
They called me an elephant.
I'll never forget that.

I've just left my job at the helium factory.
There's no way I'm being spoken to in that tone.

Went into the kitchen this morning, the wife was face-down and not breathing. I panicked and didn't know what to do. Then I remembered that McDonald's do breakfast until 11.00 am.

Saw a book on 'How To Get Rich'. Couldn't afford to buy the fuckin' thing.

The best way to get over someone, is with a car.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.
I saw it through my telescope last night.

Birthdays are nice and everything.
But too many will kill you.

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said, "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from
the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.
It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?
How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am.
The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."

Where would we be without Google Maps?

When someone insults you..
Think before u react..!! 😇
It takes 72 muscles to get angry 😣
14 to smile 🙂
but Only 4 muscles to extend your hand and slap that idiot..

Husband comes home with ' I love u ' tattooed on his penis.....
When he shows his Wife she goes crazy....
See there you go again you bastard,
..........trying to put words in my mouth!

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

I went out to eat last night. The hostess asked if we had reservations. I said yes plenty but we came anyway.

I've just been diagnosed as clinically obese - as if I haven't got enough on my plate!

A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day when he comes across a very old bottle. He's just dusting it off when two rather tired looking genies pop out "Two genies!" he exclaims. "That must mean six wishes!" "Sorry, buddy, it's three or nuthin'," say the genies, "and hurry up". The guy makes his three wishes and races off home to see if they've been granted. He gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him. After hours of mad, passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and walks into the living room where he is knee deep in $1000 bills. The guy can hardly believe his luck. Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to open it, when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string him up naked until he is dead. The two then take off their white hoods to reveal that they are, in fact, the two genies, both looking rather puzzled. The first genie turns to the second and says, "I can understand the beautiful woman and all the money in the world, by why on earth would you want to be hung like a black man?"

Two older women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, "I'm thinking of getting a boob-job."
The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached!"
"Whoa," replied the first woman.
"I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

I don't judge people based on age, race, religion, sexuality, color or gender. I base it on whether they are an asshole or not.

Got complemented on my driving today somebody left a note on my windscreen saying Parking fine.

A cardiologist died. According to his will, he was buried in a heart shape grave. One of the doctors laughed at the grave. People asked "Why did you laugh at the heart shaped grave?" Doctor replied "I am thinking about my grave. I am a Gynecologist!"

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see", 'Yes, go on' and 'I understand.' 'How did you feel about that?'" The new priest practices, saying these phrases. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"

The only reason the term 'Ladies first' was invented was for the guy to check out the woman's ass.

The best and surest way to save a marriage from divorce is not to show up for the wedding.

People with bad colds don't go to the doctor - they go to the theater.

People with bad colds don't go to the doctor - they go to the theater.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the gun in my face and said:
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have been released today..!!!"

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they were still very clearly in love. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head.
"I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago."

When someone calls you Fat don't entertain them. You are bigger than that.

The difference between psychiatry and urology is everyone’s nuts and everyones’ nuts.

The sexual position called 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy the cost of eating out has gone up.

I've been dating a homeless woman recently and it looks like it's getting serious......

She's asked me to move out with her 😅