777+ Brilliant PUNS, quibbles, wordplays and quirks !

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.🤓

I was watching court TV today. A man was being charged with stealing luggage. The whole trial took 3 minutes......

It was a briefcase.........

I think my masturbation problem just got out of hand😃

ADHD sounds like 80HD, and that sounds twice as good as WD40.

Stop looking for the perfect match. Use a lighter instead.

My friend bought a bus pass to a nude beach. It turned out to be a ticket to no wear.

Two bedbugs fell in love.

They're getting married in the spring.

She was a forest queen to others
and a big Miss Tree to me.

People who fix watches have a lot of time on their hands .

The bicycle spoke in a flat tired voice…

'Periods of 60 minutes' are not yours – they're hours.

"I'm terribly sorry but I was tied up for hours."
"Apology not accepted. That was knot nice."

A guy had a toe amputated and replaced it with a breath mint. He now has a ....
Tic tac toe.

Yesterday i found out that i got a foot fetish.
Because i like Mentos.

I was kicked out of Vienna for telling a joke. I was Austriacized.

I forgot to take the laundry out of the washer. They dried of natural causes.

What do you call the nun that lives upstairs?
Nun of the above.

The miner backed out of the wedding when he got coal feet.

The world champion tounge twister got arrested the other day. I heard they’re going to give him a tough sentence.

The best time to open a gift is the present.

I own intelligent farm animals.
One's learned to drive a boat.
I’d show you, but unfortunately that sheep has already sailed.

I used to pretend I was a mop and bucket.
I quit because they
couldn't sweep things
under the carpet.

The man that invented the Ferris Wheel never met the man that invented the Merry Go Round. They traveled in different circles.

What do you call someone missing 50% of their spine?

A halfback.

If any of you have an old pair of gloves I can take them off your hands.

The locals broke away from the carpenter's union and formed their own splinter group.

I met a nun who wiped her nose on her clothes. She had a nasty habit.

The window installer believed in the saying 'No pane no gain'.

There's something wrong here, said the proctologist, but I can't put my finger on it.

What do you call 2 eggs living together?
Coeggsistence.

Why can’t you breed an eel with an eagle?

It’s Eeleagle.

Shipwrecked, he landed on an isle of cake & ice cream.

He's on a dessert island.

I enjoyed working at the knife store.
There was never a dull moment.

Being a scarecrow is a hard job.
But hay, it's in my jeans.

The blind man finally bought a braille clock. He felt it was time.

How do birds talk to God?
Prey.

What do you call holy bread?

Jesus Crust!

I was kicked out of the circle of life for being a square.

I applied for a job extracting coal but I didn't have the right experience. Never mined.

I used to practice Black Magic.
.
I got fed up with the sacrifices I was making.

I finally replaced my broken window.
What a pane that was.

I've just joined a procrastinators support group.

It's called Wait Watchers.

My wife asked, "Do you know any tennis puns?"
I said "No, they're not really my forte love!"

No one has said a word about Bruce Lee’s mom, Apparent Lee.

I have a pet manatee named Hugh. I built him a house. It's a habitat for Hugh manatee.

What do you call an equal carnival?
Fair.

A friend told me that he stays alert because of his ballet classes. They keep him on his toes.

I just saw my signature made out of metal.
It was definitely forged!

Why did the viking buy an old boat ?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.

Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery.

I quit knitting class-the teacher was quite crochety and thought I was a knit-wit. Goodbye crewel world.

I went to a jeweler who talks extremely loud...He made my earring.

It took me years to realize that when someone says "hold your horses" they're telling me to be stable.

I rented some heavy lifting equipment in Kiev
from a company called You Crane.

The other day I had a frog in my throat or so I've been toad.

The cop asked, "Whose car is this? Where are you going? What do you do?"
The miner replied, "Mine."

Jonathan was hit in the stomach with a lollipop. That is what they call a sucker punch.

I was an underwear model, but not very long, just a brief moment.

Turquoise is the best color in the world. It's cyantifcally proven!

The local lariat maker just retired. He finally got to the end of his rope.

So, apparently my degree in aromachology requires a refresher course.

The chess player was not to be trusted. He had a checkered past.

The man who worked in the gum factory fell into a vat of bubblegum.
His boss had to chew him out.

What happens if you go through life cutting corners?
You become well rounded.

My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here.

Needed to build a chair to support my lower back. I got the materials at the lumbar yard.

I was being stalked by a Telephone Operator.

.
She's a little hung-up on me.

Was injured when a chandelier fell on me.
Went to the hospital with light injuries.

My vacuum cleaner died...

it bit the dust...

My tailor really likes fixing my clothes. Or sew it seams.

My new job inspecting feathers has me feeling down!

I’m leaving the hair styling industry. It’s a permanent decision.

My taxidermist friend invited me over for dinner. After the meal, I was stuffed.

There was a robbery at my local laundry. A couple of pegs held up a shirt.

Someone poured a tin of purple paint over me.

I felt violated.

My refrigerator has quite a temper.. I accidentally left the door open and it totally losts it's cool.

I’ve always thought that a talented butcher would be wonderful to meat.

I was watching court TV today. A man was being charged with stealing luggage. The whole trial took 3 minutes......

It was a briefcase.........

What did the glass full of water say to the glass half full of water?

"You look drunk"

The Carpenters came to the house today when I was at work……when I got home I asked if they were done, they said we’ve only just begun.

No matter how hard you try to beat the clock, you always have to buy a new one the next day.

Why do we say earring and nose ring but not finger ring?

I hate talking to people who, ‘Spray it, when they say it.’
They irrigate me.

If the Internet had a boat, where would they park it? In Google Docs.

I am very upset my scale broke . We have been together through thick and thin.

Comedians' favorite soup requires funny bones in laughingstock.

- Was I right to take in this cannibal as a lodger?
- Hmm .. that's a tough decision.
- I know, it's been eating away at me all day.

I was gonna throw all my socks away,
.
but I got cold feet.

I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought: Wow this is ledge n dairy.