Wordplay Wonderland: Puns That Will Leave You Punderstruck!

ADHD sounds like 80HD, and that sounds twice as good as WD40.

Just had a train run over my foot......

Probably my own fault for wearing platforms.

What the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer?

One buries his treasure, and the other treasures his berries!

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.

I Might change my electricity company. I'm Not happy with my current provider.

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I'd so tap that."

I used to have a phobia about walking under horse chestnut trees in the autumn, but now I've managed to conker my fear.

I can definitely see the wisdom in going back to sleep.
That's my pillowsophy.

I've received a rejection letter from NASA. Strangely, it says there's no space on their training programme.

A day without wordplay is a day without punshine.

Why did the banana call the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling well!

What should they call
the stairs used for
boarding planes...

A flight of stairs.

I’m thinking of robbing a bakery of all utensils. It’s dangerous, but that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

For such a large coal factory, it only had a single rail system going through it. I guess you can say it was a...
...one track mine.

We must congratulate canyons, caverns and tunnels ; they've always been echo-friendly.

A hundred years ago, we might have said "Dedicated milliners will always find a way to practice their craft." Nowadays we simply say "Hatters gonna hat."

Mining is boring.

SAD NEWS!!
My new inflatable house got a puncture last night.
Now I'm living in a flat!

In my spare time I make clocks that go backwards.

What do you do to unwind?

I stole a lorry load of mirrors. Which, upon reflection, wasn’t a great idea.

I'm just saying a 100 lb bag of soil for only $1 is, without a doubt, dirt cheap.

I took a picture of a field of wheat.
It was grainy.

I went to a Maize Maze.

It was corn-fusing.

Time is not yours nor theirs...
It's hours.

It was my choice to get thrown out of Automotive school.
They gave me an independent suspension.

When astronauts die they run an orbituary.

What did one tide pool say to the other tide pool? Show me your mussels.

To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.

I was so desperate to get a part in a Broadway play, that my friend said, 'Break a leg!'
I thought, 'What a terrible thing to say,' but now I'm in the cast!

If I can't perfect human cloning, I won't be able to live with myself.

The thief was arrested as he left the fortune teller's house. He was caught read handed.

When she left, she broke my zodiac plate and left me here to pick up the Pisces.

Before I became a professional, was I just a fessional.

I bought five watches the other day. I have a lot of time on my hands....

There was a locked metal box at an auction. Who knew what was in it? I decided to stop bidding at $50. That seemed like a safe bet.

I love fireworks, i seem to have a flare for them.

How am I feeling about the upcoming Enlightenment Philosophy Conference?
I Kant wait!

I sneezed three times in a row. Everyone sitting in that row got up and left.

I have seen some absolutely magnificent buildings in my time, but by far I say schools are the...classiest.

Accidentally locked myself in a glass cabinet in a museum.
I ended up making an exhibition of myself.

Had carol singers
at my door yesterday evening... All I wanted
was a Silent Night

Special Announcement: stairs are no longer being sold individually. They will now be sold by the case. This is a big step up for us.

I was at a watchmakers meeting.
I was the one taking the minutes.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop? I did it the other knight...And I got rooked.

While it is legal to transport certain vegetables by boat, I'd be careful how you inform people you've got leeks on your ship.

I shortened the rope on the bucket that didn’t go down well.

Mr. Penn from Pennsylvania stole pens. He's now in the pen and is unrepentant!

Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.

I met a couple of friendly lumberjacks.
Nice fellers.

A sister can never ask her brother for help because you cant be her brother and assist her too.

Why didn’t 4 ask out 5?
He was 2 squared.

I do puns about Michael Jackson
they are
Bad (Really Really Bad).

I can never understand what mountain climbers are saying, it must be their ascent.

I'm thinking of making my own pool cue...
Anyone got any tips?....

There’s a nudist convention in town next week,
I might go if I’ve got nothing on.

My parents wouldn't let me go to the mucus festival. I told them, "It is snot fair!"

Fun fact: Before crowbars were invented, crows used to drink at home.

My doctors, dentist, and hair appointment was canceled.
I was disappointed.

I love mimes, but that goes without saying!

The man entered his home and was instantly delighted when he discovered every lightbulb in the house had been stolen!

A blue-green fish has been discovered in the waterways of Paris.
It's called a bass teal.

Dog and a fox had a baby
It begs the question....
Who fox a dog?

What do you call someone who crossed the ocean twice without taking a bath? A dirty double crosser!!!

I saw a magician yesterday who turned audience members into wind turbines. I immediately became a big fan.

Where does an angry sailor go? Anchor management.

I used to be pensive, but not anymore.

Now I'm expensive.

A NAKED BISEXUAL POLAR BEAR WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER IS A BARE BIPOLAR BI POLAR BEAR

Someone has just told me that I don't know how to shave properly...
bloody cheek!

It is hard explain a pun to a kleptomaniac because the always take things literally.

Why can't you tickle a sailor? Because they're nautical-ish.

Them: How are you?
Me: Deep and full of water.
Them: ..Huh?
Me: I am well!

I ordered a vault and a speaker online.
They arrived at my home address safe and sound.

Why you shouldn't believe a person in bed?

Because he is lying.

I need to buy a new calculator. Not sure what brand is best, I’ve checked out quite a few online and they all seem to have pluses & minuses.

I went to an exhibition to see the world’s biggest fan.
I was totally blown away.

Did you know, there are millions of electrical impulses inside your brain?
Makes you think, doesn't it.

I bought an inflatable air mattress, and let me tell ya, it's breath taking.

First, I spilled my deluxe whitening toothpaste.
Then, I slipped and had a floor ride!

I just tripped while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I wish I had it on video so you could watch it all unfold.

Tom: What is the length of my shoe?

Me: Your shoe is a foot long.