Hilarious jokes about SOMETHING that will make your day !

Chisholm's First Law and Corollary: see Murphy's Third and Fifth Laws.
Chisholm's Second Law: When things are going well, something will go wrong.
Corollaries:
When things just can't get any worse, they will.
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Chisholm's Third Law: Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
Corollaries:
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it.
Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work.
No matter how long or how many times you explain, no one is listening.

A boy goes into a pub, "give me 10 Pernod and blackcurrant".. The barman lines them up and the boy sinks them one after the other. "bloody hell, what are you celebrating?" asked the barman... "my first blowjob" said the boy. "Oh that is something to celebrate, have another on the house"
The boy looks at him and says "I've just drunk 10, another one isn't going to take the taste away".....

This should be posted in every school or kid's bedroom. (11) RULES KIDS WILL NOT LEARN IN SCHOOL.
*Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!
*Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
*Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
*Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
... *Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
*Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. *Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you think you are: So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
*Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HASN'T. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
*Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF -that's for your own time.
*Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. *Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one! ~Most recent rendition written by Charles J. Sykes... So if you can read this... Thank a Teacher. If you can read this in English... Thank a Soldier! And for life and everything else you have... Thank God & your parents!! Now.... think about this and smile and feel free to repost if you choose!

If you can't hear a pin drop, then something is definitely wrong with your bowling.

When someone says they did something "like a boss," I assume they didn't do anything and just took credit for someone else's work.

School is not hard.
Paying attention to something you’re not interested in is.

You want to make your way in the CS field? Simple. Calculate rough time of amnesia (hell, 10 years is plenty, probably 10 months is plenty), go to the dusty archives, dig out something fun, and go for it. It’s worked for many people, and it can work for you.

-- Ron Minnich

The lurking suspicion that something could be simplified is the world's richest source of rewarding challenges.

-- Edsger W. Dijkstra

Playfully doing something difficult, whether useful or not, that is hacking.

-- Richard M. Stallman

Licensing: when government takes away your right to do something and sells it back to you.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

You aren't rich until you have something that money can't buy.

A stress ball is not something you throw at people who stress you.
Apparently.

My bad.

If you cannot explain something in simple terms, you do not understand it.

-- Richard Feynman (1918 - 1988)

Science is like sex. Sometimes something useful comes out of it, but that's not the reason we're doing it.

If you cannot explain something in simple terms, you don't understand it.

That awkward moment when someone tries to correct you on something you clearly know more about.

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

toothache and heartache comes from the same thing

which is something sweet

How to know when something won’t be fun:

- Someone will say “come on, it’ll be fun”

If you stared at something you dropped on the ground, eventually someone will pick it up for you.

If you do something bad, make sure there’s someone else around to blame.

You look like something I’d draw with my left hand.

Why don’t you slip into something a little more comfortable… Like a coma.

"The best programs are the ones written when the programmer is supposed to be working on something else."
– Melinda Varian

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

I hate when my wife accuses me of something I didn't think she knew about.

I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.
She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.

69% of people will find something sexual in this sentence!

What does a European person say when they see something nasty?
EU.

I once broke up with this girl that worked at an aquarium. Just something about her seemed fishy.

There's something mysterious about the G-spot.
I just can't put my finger on it.

”When you have something to say, silence is a lie.”
— Jordan B. Peterson

There's something wrong here, said the proctologist, but I can't put my finger on it.

I kept hearing someone yell, "12 inches! 12 inches! 12 inches!"
I then knew something was afoot.

Parenting these days is hard...

like trying to teach your kid that vagina isn't a dirty word

but it's not something to name a pet that you might have to yell for outside.

I am doing a bra giveaway.

Send me pics of your boobs and I'll see if I have something that fits you.

I finally found someone who sees something in me!
She runs the x-ray at the hospital.

Yolen's Guide for Self-Praise: Proclaim yourself "World Champ" of something -- tiddly-winks, rope- jumping, whatever -- send this notice to newspapers, radio, TV, and wait for challengers to confront you. Avoid challenges as long as possible, but continue to send news of your achievements to all media. Also, develop a newsletter and letterhead for communications.

Yapp's Basic Fact: If a thing cannot be fitted into something smaller than itself, some dope will do it.

First Law of Wing-Walking: Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.

Trischmann's Paradox (Axiom of the Pipe): A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: Everyone should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.

Schmidt's Law (probably a different Schmidt): If you mess with something long enough, it'll break.

Rosenbaum's Rule: The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

If something bad happens, and nobody's there to experience it, are we still supposed to feel bad?

Axiom of the Pipe. (Trischmann's Paradox): A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

Peter Principle: In every hierarchy, whether it be government or business, each employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence; every post tends to be filled by an employee incompetent to execute its duties. Corollaries:
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.

Truths of Management:

Think before you act; it's not your money.
All good management is the expression of one great idea.
No executive devotes effort to proving himself wrong.
Cash in must exceed cash out.
Management capability is always less than the organization actually needs.
Either an executive can do his job or he can't.
If sophisticated calculations are needed to justify an action, don't do it.
If you are doing something wrong, you will do it badly.
If you are attempting the impossible, you will fail.
The easiest way of making money is to stop losing it.

Katz's Maxims:

Where are the calculations that go with the calculated risk?
Inventing is easy for staff outfits. Stating a problem is much harder. Instead of stating problems, people like to pass out half- accurate statements together with half-available solutions which they can't finish and which they want you to finish.
Every organization is self-perpetuating. Don't ever ask an outfit to justify itself, or you'll be covered with facts, figures, and fancy. The criterion should rather be, "What will happen if the outfit stops doing what it's doing?" The value of an organization is more easily determined this way.
Try to find out who's doing the work, not who's writing about it, controlling it, or summarizing it.
Watch out for formal briefings; they often produce an avalanche (a high-level snow job of massive and overwhelming proportions).
The difficulty of the coordination task often blinds one to the fact that a fully coordinated piece of paper is not supposed to be either the major or the final product of the organization, but it often turns out that way.
Most organizations can't hold more than one idea at a time. Thus complementary ideas are always regarded as competetive. Further, like a quantized pendulum, an organization can jump from one extreme to the other, without ever going through the middle.
Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is it being done, or is it something to be done? Reports are now written in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for novel uses of "contractor grammar", defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.

Jay's Laws of Leadership:
Changing things is central to leadership, and changing them before anyone else is creativity.
To build something that endures, it is of the greatest important to have a long tenure in office -- to rule for many years. You can achieve a quick success in a year or two, but nearly all of the great tycoons have continued their building much longer.

Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
Corollaries:
After a salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you had before.
The more a recruit knows about a given subject, the better chance he has of being assigned to something else.
You can throw a burnt match out the window of your car and start a forest fire, but you can use two boxes of matches and a whole edition of the Sunday paper without being able to start a fire under the dry logs in your fireplace.
Children have more energy after a hard day of play than they do after a good night's sleep.
The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning.
Good parking places are always on the other side of the street.

Gell-Mann's Dictum: Whatever isn't forbidden is required.
Corollary: If there's no reason why something shouldn't exist, then it must exist.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition: If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.