Hilarious jokes about SOMETHING that will make your day !

I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thank you!

Reversing is not something I look forward to.

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"

Someone crashed into a power pole. Something tells me they won't take that line down.

toothache and heartache comes from the same thing

which is something sweet

How to know when something won’t be fun:

- Someone will say “come on, it’ll be fun”

If you stared at something you dropped on the ground, eventually someone will pick it up for you.

If you do something bad, make sure there’s someone else around to blame.

You look like something I’d draw with my left hand.

Why don’t you slip into something a little more comfortable… Like a coma.

"The best programs are the ones written when the programmer is supposed to be working on something else."
– Melinda Varian

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

I hate when my wife accuses me of something I didn't think she knew about.

I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.
She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.

69% of people will find something sexual in this sentence!

What does a European person say when they see something nasty?
EU.

I once broke up with this girl that worked at an aquarium. Just something about her seemed fishy.

There's something mysterious about the G-spot.
I just can't put my finger on it.

”When you have something to say, silence is a lie.”
— Jordan B. Peterson

There's something wrong here, said the proctologist, but I can't put my finger on it.

I kept hearing someone yell, "12 inches! 12 inches! 12 inches!"
I then knew something was afoot.

Parenting these days is hard...

like trying to teach your kid that vagina isn't a dirty word

but it's not something to name a pet that you might have to yell for outside.

I am doing a bra giveaway.

Send me pics of your boobs and I'll see if I have something that fits you.

I finally found someone who sees something in me!
She runs the x-ray at the hospital.

Yolen's Guide for Self-Praise: Proclaim yourself "World Champ" of something -- tiddly-winks, rope- jumping, whatever -- send this notice to newspapers, radio, TV, and wait for challengers to confront you. Avoid challenges as long as possible, but continue to send news of your achievements to all media. Also, develop a newsletter and letterhead for communications.

Yapp's Basic Fact: If a thing cannot be fitted into something smaller than itself, some dope will do it.

First Law of Wing-Walking: Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.

Trischmann's Paradox (Axiom of the Pipe): A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: Everyone should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.

Schmidt's Law (probably a different Schmidt): If you mess with something long enough, it'll break.

Rosenbaum's Rule: The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

If something bad happens, and nobody's there to experience it, are we still supposed to feel bad?

Axiom of the Pipe. (Trischmann's Paradox): A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

Peter Principle: In every hierarchy, whether it be government or business, each employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence; every post tends to be filled by an employee incompetent to execute its duties. Corollaries:
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.

Truths of Management:

Think before you act; it's not your money.
All good management is the expression of one great idea.
No executive devotes effort to proving himself wrong.
Cash in must exceed cash out.
Management capability is always less than the organization actually needs.
Either an executive can do his job or he can't.
If sophisticated calculations are needed to justify an action, don't do it.
If you are doing something wrong, you will do it badly.
If you are attempting the impossible, you will fail.
The easiest way of making money is to stop losing it.

Katz's Maxims:

Where are the calculations that go with the calculated risk?
Inventing is easy for staff outfits. Stating a problem is much harder. Instead of stating problems, people like to pass out half- accurate statements together with half-available solutions which they can't finish and which they want you to finish.
Every organization is self-perpetuating. Don't ever ask an outfit to justify itself, or you'll be covered with facts, figures, and fancy. The criterion should rather be, "What will happen if the outfit stops doing what it's doing?" The value of an organization is more easily determined this way.
Try to find out who's doing the work, not who's writing about it, controlling it, or summarizing it.
Watch out for formal briefings; they often produce an avalanche (a high-level snow job of massive and overwhelming proportions).
The difficulty of the coordination task often blinds one to the fact that a fully coordinated piece of paper is not supposed to be either the major or the final product of the organization, but it often turns out that way.
Most organizations can't hold more than one idea at a time. Thus complementary ideas are always regarded as competetive. Further, like a quantized pendulum, an organization can jump from one extreme to the other, without ever going through the middle.
Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is it being done, or is it something to be done? Reports are now written in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for novel uses of "contractor grammar", defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.

Jay's Laws of Leadership:
Changing things is central to leadership, and changing them before anyone else is creativity.
To build something that endures, it is of the greatest important to have a long tenure in office -- to rule for many years. You can achieve a quick success in a year or two, but nearly all of the great tycoons have continued their building much longer.

Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
Corollaries:
After a salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you had before.
The more a recruit knows about a given subject, the better chance he has of being assigned to something else.
You can throw a burnt match out the window of your car and start a forest fire, but you can use two boxes of matches and a whole edition of the Sunday paper without being able to start a fire under the dry logs in your fireplace.
Children have more energy after a hard day of play than they do after a good night's sleep.
The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning.
Good parking places are always on the other side of the street.

Gell-Mann's Dictum: Whatever isn't forbidden is required.
Corollary: If there's no reason why something shouldn't exist, then it must exist.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition: If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.

Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Everitt's Form of the Second Law of Thermodynamics:

Confusion (entropy) is always increasing in society. Only if someone or something works extremely hard can this confusion be reduced to order in a limited region. Nevertheless, this effort will stil result in an increase in the total confusion of society at large.

Economists' Laws:
What men learn from history is that men do not learn from history.
If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.

Crane's Rule: There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Me (young, naive): I hope something good happens.
Me (now): I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny.

Clyde's Law: If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.

Clarke's First Law: When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

Chisholm's First Law and Corollary: see Murphy's Third and Fifth Laws.
Chisholm's Second Law: When things are going well, something will go wrong.
Corollaries:
When things just can't get any worse, they will.
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Chisholm's Third Law: Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
Corollaries:
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it.
Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work.
No matter how long or how many times you explain, no one is listening.

Chili Cook's Secret: If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.

Boob's Law: You always find something the last place you look.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.

I wanted to learn to dance so I started with salsa. I wanted something I could dip in to.