Random joke about SOMETHING:

"If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us."
- Hermann Hesse

Funny jokes about SOMETHING collection.

Selected jokes about SOMETHING:

I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thank you!

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

I’m thinking about getting a side job cleaning mirrors. It’s something that I can see myself doing.

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

More jokes about SOMETHING...

I hate when my wife accuses me of something I didn't think she knew about.

I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.
She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.

69% of people will find something sexual in this sentence!

What does a European person say when they see something nasty?

I once broke up with this girl that worked at an aquarium. Just something about her seemed fishy.

There's something mysterious about the G-spot.
I just can't put my finger on it.

”When you have something to say, silence is a lie.”
— Jordan B. Peterson

There's something wrong here, said the proctologist, but I can't put my finger on it.

I kept hearing someone yell, "12 inches! 12 inches! 12 inches!"
I then knew something was afoot.

Parenting these days is hard...

like trying to teach your kid that vagina isn't a dirty word

but it's not something to name a pet that you might have to yell for outside.

I am doing a bra giveaway.

Send me pics of your boobs and I'll see if I have something that fits you.

I finally found someone who sees something in me!
She runs the x-ray at the hospital.

Yolen's Guide for Self-Praise: Proclaim yourself "World Champ" of something -- tiddly-winks, rope- jumping, whatever -- send this notice to newspapers, radio, TV, and wait for challengers to confront you. Avoid challenges as long as possible, but continue to send news of your achievements to all media. Also, develop a newsletter and letterhead for communications.

Yapp's Basic Fact: If a thing cannot be fitted into something smaller than itself, some dope will do it.

First Law of Wing-Walking: Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.

Trischmann's Paradox (Axiom of the Pipe): A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: Everyone should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.

Schmidt's Law (probably a different Schmidt): If you mess with something long enough, it'll break.

Rosenbaum's Rule: The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

If something bad happens, and nobody's there to experience it, are we still supposed to feel bad?

Axiom of the Pipe. (Trischmann's Paradox): A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

Peter Principle: In every hierarchy, whether it be government or business, each employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence; every post tends to be filled by an employee incompetent to execute its duties. Corollaries:
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.

Truths of Management:

Think before you act; it's not your money.
All good management is the expression of one great idea.
No executive devotes effort to proving himself wrong.
Cash in must exceed cash out.
Management capability is always less than the organization actually needs.
Either an executive can do his job or he can't.
If sophisticated calculations are needed to justify an action, don't do it.
If you are doing something wrong, you will do it badly.
If you are attempting the impossible, you will fail.
The easiest way of making money is to stop losing it.

Katz's Maxims:

Where are the calculations that go with the calculated risk?
Inventing is easy for staff outfits. Stating a problem is much harder. Instead of stating problems, people like to pass out half- accurate statements together with half-available solutions which they can't finish and which they want you to finish.
Every organization is self-perpetuating. Don't ever ask an outfit to justify itself, or you'll be covered with facts, figures, and fancy. The criterion should rather be, "What will happen if the outfit stops doing what it's doing?" The value of an organization is more easily determined this way.
Try to find out who's doing the work, not who's writing about it, controlling it, or summarizing it.
Watch out for formal briefings; they often produce an avalanche (a high-level snow job of massive and overwhelming proportions).
The difficulty of the coordination task often blinds one to the fact that a fully coordinated piece of paper is not supposed to be either the major or the final product of the organization, but it often turns out that way.
Most organizations can't hold more than one idea at a time. Thus complementary ideas are always regarded as competetive. Further, like a quantized pendulum, an organization can jump from one extreme to the other, without ever going through the middle.
Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is it being done, or is it something to be done? Reports are now written in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for novel uses of "contractor grammar", defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.

Jay's Laws of Leadership:
Changing things is central to leadership, and changing them before anyone else is creativity.
To build something that endures, it is of the greatest important to have a long tenure in office -- to rule for many years. You can achieve a quick success in a year or two, but nearly all of the great tycoons have continued their building much longer.

Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
After a salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you had before.
The more a recruit knows about a given subject, the better chance he has of being assigned to something else.
You can throw a burnt match out the window of your car and start a forest fire, but you can use two boxes of matches and a whole edition of the Sunday paper without being able to start a fire under the dry logs in your fireplace.
Children have more energy after a hard day of play than they do after a good night's sleep.
The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning.
Good parking places are always on the other side of the street.

Gell-Mann's Dictum: Whatever isn't forbidden is required.
Corollary: If there's no reason why something shouldn't exist, then it must exist.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition: If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.

Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Everitt's Form of the Second Law of Thermodynamics:

Confusion (entropy) is always increasing in society. Only if someone or something works extremely hard can this confusion be reduced to order in a limited region. Nevertheless, this effort will stil result in an increase in the total confusion of society at large.

Economists' Laws:
What men learn from history is that men do not learn from history.
If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.

Crane's Rule: There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Me (young, naive): I hope something good happens.
Me (now): I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny.

Clyde's Law: If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.

Clarke's First Law: When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

Chisholm's First Law and Corollary: see Murphy's Third and Fifth Laws.
Chisholm's Second Law: When things are going well, something will go wrong.
When things just can't get any worse, they will.
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Chisholm's Third Law: Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it.
Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work.
No matter how long or how many times you explain, no one is listening.

Chili Cook's Secret: If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.

Boob's Law: You always find something the last place you look.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.

I wanted to learn to dance so I started with salsa. I wanted something I could dip in to.

A person needs just three things to be truly happy in the world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.

If you dont like Harry Potter puns there must be something Ron with you!

I like them, but Im Weasley pleased.

Isn't it ironic that procrastination is something you can do immediately?

I went to the counter at McDonalds to tell them there was something wrong with my Big Mac.

Cashier: What seems to be the issue?

I hold up the sandwich and the buns move like lips and sing: ‘Listen to the wind bloooow’

Cashier: Sorry, sir. We accidentally made you a Fleetwood Mac.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

I’m in prison for something I didn’t do. I didn’t get away with it.

I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so Im dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.

A friend on Facebook posted this on her newsfeed: 'Do something today that your future self will thank you for'
- So I unfriended her.

Today I saw something that reminded me of you.
But don't worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.

You know it's time to clean the fridge when something closes the door from the inside.

Remember: You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Winter solstice sounds like something we should celebrate with chips and dip.

My tax advisor told me to put something away for a rainy day. I've bought an umbrella.

The wife's been hinting that she wants something black and lacy for Christmas so I've got her a pair of football boots.

I should do something today, but I didn't finish doing the nothing I was doing yesterday.

“When something is important enough, you do it even if the odds are not in your favour.”

- Elon Musk

Psychology says, if you get a gut feeling that something isn’t right about a person or situation, trust it.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

"You will never understand something well unless you can explain it to your grandmother"
- Albert Einstein

Me (young, naive): I hope something good happens.
Me (now): I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny.

Life insurance is something that helps keeps folks poor all their lives so they can die rich.

A guy at work claims he didnt steal the battery out of my calculator, but something just doesnt add up...

Whenever I see five toes, I know something is a foot.

I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thank you!

"The robbed that smiles steals something from the thief."
By William Shakespeare, Othello

"The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will."

By Chuck Palahniuk, Diary

You know that beer holder on the wall in the shower?
My wife calls it a soap dish. You learn something new everyday!

I got thrown out of Mime Club yesterday...

It must have been something I said.

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