Hilarious jokes about SOMETHING that will make your day !

A woman goes to the doctor and tells him that her pussy is itching something fierce, "well let me take a look at it." While he's down there he's saying "yes , sure,aha, okay." He tells her to sit up and get dressed. Once she's dressed he says, "I'm sorry to inform you ma'am but you have crabs." Shocked she says, "that can't be, I'm a virgin!" Disbelieving her the doctor asks the woman her age, she says, "I just turned 45." He laughs and says, "Well I am sorry to inform you that you do indeed have crabs." So the woman goes to a second doctor to get another opinion. The doctor tells her to strip and lay down. While he's down there he's saying, "okay I see, sure, haha." He instructs the woman to sit up and get dressed. "I'm sorry to tell you this ma'am but you have crabs." Shocked again she says, "that's impossible I'm a virgin." Again the doctor laugh's and asks her age. She says, "I just turned 45." The doctor laugh's says, "I'm sorry but you do have crabs." The woman seeks a third and final opinion. As usual she strips and lies down. The doctor goes down there and says, "haha, wow! unbelievable! She says, "Oh Lord please don't tell me I have crabs!" He says, "no ma'am I'm sorry to inform you but your cherry has gone rotten and you have the worst case of fruit flies I've ever seen! "

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breathe through something so small?"

Why did the depressed person put his booze in the elevator?
He wanted something to lift his spirits.

Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

Economists' Laws:
What men learn from history is that men do not learn from history.
If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.

Crane's Rule: There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Me (young, naive): I hope something good happens.
Me (now): I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny.

Clyde's Law: If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.

Clarke's First Law: When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

Chisholm's First Law and Corollary: see Murphy's Third and Fifth Laws.
Chisholm's Second Law: When things are going well, something will go wrong.
Corollaries:
When things just can't get any worse, they will.
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Chisholm's Third Law: Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
Corollaries:
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it.
Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work.
No matter how long or how many times you explain, no one is listening.

Chili Cook's Secret: If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.

Boob's Law: You always find something the last place you look.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.

I wanted to learn to dance so I started with salsa. I wanted something I could dip in to.

A person needs just three things to be truly happy in the world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.

If you dont like Harry Potter puns there must be something Ron with you!

I like them, but Im Weasley pleased.

Isn't it ironic that procrastination is something you can do immediately?

I went to the counter at McDonalds to tell them there was something wrong with my Big Mac.

Cashier: What seems to be the issue?

I hold up the sandwich and the buns move like lips and sing: ‘Listen to the wind bloooow’

Cashier: Sorry, sir. We accidentally made you a Fleetwood Mac.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

I’m in prison for something I didn’t do. I didn’t get away with it.

I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so Im dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.

A friend on Facebook posted this on her newsfeed: 'Do something today that your future self will thank you for'
- So I unfriended her.

Today I saw something that reminded me of you.
But don't worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.

You know it's time to clean the fridge when something closes the door from the inside.

Remember: You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Winter solstice sounds like something we should celebrate with chips and dip.

My tax advisor told me to put something away for a rainy day. I've bought an umbrella.

The wife's been hinting that she wants something black and lacy for Christmas so I've got her a pair of football boots.

I should do something today, but I didn't finish doing the nothing I was doing yesterday.

“When something is important enough, you do it even if the odds are not in your favour.”

- Elon Musk

Psychology says, if you get a gut feeling that something isn’t right about a person or situation, trust it.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

"You will never understand something well unless you can explain it to your grandmother"
- Albert Einstein

Me (young, naive): I hope something good happens.
Me (now): I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny.

Life insurance is something that helps keeps folks poor all their lives so they can die rich.

A guy at work claims he didnt steal the battery out of my calculator, but something just doesnt add up...

Whenever I see five toes, I know something is a foot.

I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thank you!

"The robbed that smiles steals something from the thief."
By William Shakespeare, Othello

"The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will."

By Chuck Palahniuk, Diary

You know that beer holder on the wall in the shower?
My wife calls it a soap dish. You learn something new everyday!

I got thrown out of Mime Club yesterday...

It must have been something I said.

If you can't hear a pin drop, then something is definitely wrong with your bowling.

That awkward moment when someone tries to correct you on something you clearly know more about.

" Try to learn something about everything and everything about something "🌷
~ Thomas Henry Huxley

There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.

I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.

I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thank you!

Older gentleman walks into the brothel...
... He walks towards the brothel mama, as she greets him he says:

"I would like something special"

She looks at him with judging eye:

"Well we have something nobody else has, but it's quite pricey, are you sure you want it?"

He smiles:

"Don't worry, money are not problem for me."

"We offer sex with recently deceased women for 3 thousand." she replies.

He hands over the money and she gives him directions to the room he is supposed to go to. He goes inside, and there it is, carcass looking as a living woman just a bit paler and cold to the touch. He does his thing thoroughly enjoying himself and as he leaves brothel mama stops him to ask whether he is satisfied.

"So how was it any complaints?"

"Overall it was good spent money, as I never had anything like that, but as I came a little piece of booger started to leak from her nose." he says.

"Oh my, I'm sorry I'll take care of that." she takes the phone out calling the janitor:

"Hi there, number 3 is full, we need another one."

Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

TIP FOR WIVES > If you want your husband to do something he doesn't want, just say that maybe he's too old for that...