Hilarious jokes about SOMETHING that will make your day !

Every time I see a label on something that says Non-Flammable, the little voice inside my head goes... Challenge Accepted!

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing!.
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do…………………
Then I remembered
Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

My wife is going sky diving and I'm truly terrified because last time something that big hit the ground the dinosaurs died.

"One of your bees just stung me & I want you to do something about it."

"Sure, lady, show me which one it was, and I'll punish it!"

Older gentleman walks into the brothel...
... He walks towards the brothel mama, as she greets him he says:

"I would like something special"

She looks at him with judging eye:

"Well we have something nobody else has, but it's quite pricey, are you sure you want it?"

He smiles:

"Don't worry, money are not problem for me."

"We offer sex with recently deceased women for 3 thousand." she replies.

He hands over the money and she gives him directions to the room he is supposed to go to. He goes inside, and there it is, carcass looking as a living woman just a bit paler and cold to the touch. He does his thing thoroughly enjoying himself and as he leaves brothel mama stops him to ask whether he is satisfied.

"So how was it any complaints?"

"Overall it was good spent money, as I never had anything like that, but as I came a little piece of booger started to leak from her nose." he says.

"Oh my, I'm sorry I'll take care of that." she takes the phone out calling the janitor:

"Hi there, number 3 is full, we need another one."

Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

TIP FOR WIVES > If you want your husband to do something he doesn't want, just say that maybe he's too old for that...

Me: Waiter, this food isn't fit for a pig!
Waiter: I am sorry Sir, let me bring you something that is.

Someone crashed into a power pole. Something tells me they won't take that line down.

What happens when a judge gets something to eat at the mall?
He places an "Order in the food court".

Isn't it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn't something that is used to clean vacuums?

What do you call something that gives plessure to sadists?
Sadistfying.

I got thrown out of my local Mime Club.
I think it was something I said.

Oxymorons .....
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24 Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

But what if bygones want to be something else?

My wife surprised me for Father's Day. Said she got me something that uses fuel & has a top that opens & closes!

It was a cigarette lighter.

"One of your bees just stung me & I want you to do something about it."

"Sure, lady, show me which one it was, and I'll punish it!"

Always say thank you 3 times everyday. And do something that deserves a thank you.

I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn't reach very far.

I'm doing a free Bra give away.
Send me a picture of your tits and I'll see if there's something that fits you.

My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on, now she is mad at me! Don’t know why. Sand is really hard to write on!

I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don't like her new haircut.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

When I die i'm donating my eyes to my wife, so she can finally see something from my point of view!

I just petitioned a group of physicists to change the symbol used for the Ohm to something different.
I was met with some resistance.

If raising children were easy, it wouldn't start with something called labor.

My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look sexy. So I went and got drunk.

Three Jews who had recently converted to Christianity were having a drink together in a posh restaurant. They started talking about the reasons for their conversions.
“I converted out of love,” said the first. “Not for Christianity, but for a Christian girl. As you both know, my wife insisted that I convert.”
“And I,” said the second, “I converted in order to rise in the legal system. You probably know that my recent appointment as a federal judge may have had something to do with my new religion.”
The third man spoke up: “I converted because I think that the teachings of Christianity are superior to those of Judaism.”
“Are you kidding?” said the first man, spitting out his drink.
“What do you take us for, a couple of goyim?”

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing!.
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do…………………
Then I remembered
Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

Given the recent economic times, I've bought a bouncy castle in case the employment market takes a downturn.
It will give me something to fall back on.

You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there !!??!!
Well that's how I lost my job as a gynaecologist !!

" Try to learn something about everything and everything about something "

~ Thomas Henry Huxley

My ears are burning that means someones talking about me.
They're probably saying something like "Why's that idiot got his head in the oven".

They say that you should look through your clothes closet, and if you haven’t worn something for a year, throw it out. I apply the same principle to my fridge.

I bought something for 94 cents and gave the cashier a dollar. I knew what change to expect.
Must be my sixth sense!

I went to see a psychic and she said: "There's something brewing."
I said: "Beer?"
She glared and snarled: "No, something very evil."
I replied: "Non-alcoholic beer?"

Customer: “Waiter, taste this soup”.
Waiter: “Why sir, what’s wrong with it?”
Customer: “Just taste it will you?”
Water: “ Sir, if there is something wrong with the soup we will happily replace it for you”.
Customer: “Look, just taste the bloody soup!”
Waiter: “OK sir, (pause), um, where’s the spoon?”
Customer: “Ah Ha”.

Sadly, the guy who invented the Frisbee died yesterday.
Apparently he caught something that was going round.

My wife said I was the perfect husband today ........
Or was it something about not listening to her properly?

I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"

“Have you heard of Murphy’s law?”
"Yeah.”
“What is it?”
"If something can go wrong, it will.”
"Right, have you heard of Cole’s law?”
"No, what is it?”
"Thinly sliced cabbage!!”

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley...

Two Rusian guys
moved to London where they made friends with a English guy named Paul.
They used to go all over London with him when suddenly one day ...
Paul disappeared.
The two went to the police and lodged a complaint.
The police asked them if they could give some vital clues about Paul that would help find him.
First Russian , "Paul was handsome and tall."
The police said, "Most English men are like that. Give us something specific."
2nd Russian, "Paul had blue eyes and was very fair."
The Police said, "C'mon guys, lots of English men are fair and have blue eyes, give us something specific."
Both Russian , "Oh yes ... now we remember ... Paul had two holes in his ass."
The policemen get really interested. They said, "Now that's something very specific, but tell us, how do you know this? Have you guys seen the two holes in his ass?"
Both said,
"No we haven’t actually seen the holes, but wherever we went out with Paul, everyone used to say ... ..."Here comes Paul with the two assholes!"

Eyelashes are meant to keep things out of our eyes. But whenever I get something out of my eye it’s an eyelash...eyeronic.

"By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired.” Franz Kafka

Once, my mate Dave got kicked out of a hospital. When I asked why, he said
Apparently "Stroke Patients Here" meant something else.

My father once told me, "Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it's something your father told you."

A man calls his son in to help him sort out something on his computer.
The son sits down looks at it and within a minute has solved the problem.
His dad says “wow that was quick what was the problem?”
The son says “it was just an Id ten t issue.”
What’s that? Asks dad, so the son writes it down for him and leaves.
“ID10T”

Reminder: It’s very easy to lose an electron, so that’s something to keep an ion.

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes it is, sister." "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

I always take my problems to Tommy.

Hilfiger something out.

If you can't hear a pin drop, then something is definitely wrong with your bowling.