Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Одесский дворик. Беседуют два соседа:
— Рабинович, как ви считаете, что сильнее: знание или чувство?
— Чувство!
— Почему?
— Вот знаю, что таки я должен Додику, но чувствую... не отдам.

I like sleeping because its like being dead, without the commitment.

Listen fellas, if your woman says she doesn't want gifts, don't buy her gifts. That shit's on her for lying.

Follow this fresh divorcée for more marriage advice.

— Вы сообразительный человек?
— В смысле?

— Папа, а что такое похмелье?
— Помнишь, мы с тобой шли, а дядя Гриша снег ел?

У страха глаза велики и слабый мочевой пузырь.

Нет пошлых фраз. Есть пошлые уши.

"Expecting things to be bad is the best way to be pleasantly surprised when they’re not."

- The Psychology of Money

Хорошее настроение — это когда тупые не бесят, а веселят.

My occasional good idea is mostly just a bad idea waiting to be revealed.

I always think the thumb is on the left side...

On the other hand, it might be on the right side.

— Посоветуй мне фильм посмотреть.
— Советую тебе фильм посмотреть.

I always regret making a good first impression because theres no way I can keep that shit up!

I think it is fascinating that the word, NOEL, actually does have an L in it.

- Давайте откроем эту дверь.
- Но на ней написано "не входить".
- Разве это нас останавливало?
- Нет, но стремно, когда это написано кровью.

I was surprised to find out that the 'element of surprise' is not there on the periodic table.

First Rule of the Navy Boiler Tech: If all else fails, get a bigger hammer.

if you like water, you already like 72% of me.

Last night I looked at my feet and realized how much they look alike. Then it dawned on me - they’re solemates!

The more you love your decisions, the less you need others to love them.

I met a guy who painted names and numbers on underwater vessels. He was a sub scriber.

I found a coin on the street the other day, and it had teeth marks all over it.
It was a Bitcoin.

What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?

A cookie sheet!

Mortgage: n. A device to measure the density of the people named Mort.

Some people pick their nose.

I feel like I was just born with mine.

How warm is a baby just before their birth?
Womb temperature.

"There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing."

- Aristotle

Любовь между женщинами - это любовь без конца!

He claimed to be a upholsterer, but that claim was found to be fabricated.

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

I tried horse racing, but man, they were just too fast for me.

A large snake obsessed with its health is a hypoanacondriac.

I'm just pondering: Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"?

In the mornings I like dick like I like my coffee. Hard.

I just want someone to sober love me as much as they drunk love me.

I'm an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water.

It's my special-tea.

How much does a grand piano cost?
$1000.

Новый Год - вокруг по прежнему пиздец, но теперь с гирляндами.

I’ve just watched two guys arguing in sign language. Either that, or they were both really bad at karate.

"Choice, not chance, determines your destiny."

- Aristotle

I’ve joined a wine club. We meet every morning at 9am in the park.

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

If we can hurry things along a bit, the new Aerosmith documentary starts shortly and I dont want to miss a thing.

My supervisor decided to fire me because my communication skills were weak. I didn't know what to say!

People love air-conditioning because it’s cool.
People hate vacuuming because it sucks.

Кто не рискует, тот не пьет обезболивающих...

I have a stereo to give away. I would sell it, but the bass dial doesn’t work, so it’s more treble than it’s worth.

The women who married Henry The VIII clearly had lost their heads!

How many click-bait articles does it take to change a light bulb?
The answer may shock you.

Why did Santa's shortest helper go to a therapist? He suffered from low elf esteem.

Sign outside a church:
Singers wanted. Inchoir within.

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb? One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up!

The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

What does Miley Cyrus eat for Christmas dinner?

Twerky!

How many bones are in a human hand? A handful.

I don’t know what you want from me but the answer is probably no.

A piece of luggage was recently found in the middle of the desert. Authorities believe this was just an isolated case.

Did you know that a Raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions,while a Crow has only 16.!!
The difference between a Raven and a Crow is just a matter of a pinion.!

Why does the chicken coop only have two doors?

If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?

My shower curtain grabs my ass more often than any human does.

Be kind to Dentists. They too have Fillings.

How do you stop a dog from barking in the back of a car?

Put him in the front.

How do you turn a three-dimensional printer into a four-dimensional printer?

Just give it time.

What language does Santa Claus speak? North Polish.

How does the Easter Bunny travel?
By hare plane!

Never trust left-handed people. They're not right.

Guest to the waiter: "Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?" Waiter: "Sorry, sir, but I'm pretty sure she wants to eat it herself."

— Мы с тобой идиоты. Но это не мешает нам.
— Не мешает нам что?
— Это.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: not thinking of creative answers to silly interview questions, when we have already established that I am very qualified for this position and would be an asset to your company.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM...

Onion rings.

Me: "I've lost the dictionary."
Wife: "Can you look upstairs?"
Me: "I can't look up anything!"

It was National no bra day today but i knew it was going to be a flop due to the lack of support.

How does a flamenco dancer catch lots of fish.

She castanets.

— Мам, а ты пионером была?
— Была.
— А что вы делали?
— Жгли пионерские костры, собирали металлолом, макулатуру…
— Как бомжи, да?..

— Вам надо полоскать горло. — Ну, если надо, доктор, я согласна. Ласкайте.

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet...

Разговор двух евреев:
– Изя, ты почему такой грустный?
– Ой, Яша, моя любимая Сарочка таки совсем меня не любит...
– С чего ты это взял?
– Я к ней подхожу и прям в глаза: "какая же ты... да у тебя таких как я сотни каждый день..."
– Таки а она шо?
– А шо она... сказала: "мужчина, пакет брать будете? Не задерживайте очередь!

I can tell, just by looking at them, if people are lying.

I can also tell if they're standing.

— Мойша, я сегодня была у доктора. Он посмотрел на мои анализы, на меня, и сказал, что мне таки определённо нужен отдых у моря. Когда мне собираться?
— Розочка, собирайся прямо сейчас!
— О, Мойша, но у меня нет приличного чемодана!
— Зачем тебе чемодан, Розочка? Мы едем к другому доктору.