Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Working on a location specific documentary about whiny marine mammals. I call it ‘Whale’s Wails: Wales’

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper.

I asked a pirate what makes him the angriest?

he said when someone steals his p...

— Сосед, смените мне розетку.
— Но у Вас же есть муж, тётя Циля.
— Ему таки нельзя. Его может током убить.

FUN fact:
People who swear a lot tend to be more honest, upfront, and loyal with their friends, partners and family.

Build assets with your time.

Then buy time with your assets.

Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year's Eve—it's December 31.

I asked a friend how it was going down at the National Ambidextrous Society. He said people are joining left and right.

Кто грустит, тот трансвестит.

Уход по-английски - это просто обыкновенное хамство, возведенное в ранг национальной традиции.

My plan to explore the seven deadly sins starting with sloth fell apart when I couldn't be bothered.

Please be extra careful on the road these days.
A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wifes to drive.

Не надо радоваться, когда врагам плохо.
И тем более - огорчаться, когда друзьям хорошо.

Avoiding people that act like victims to problems they have created is self-care.

"What we think, we become."
– Buddha

"Spending money to show people how much money you have is the fastest way to have less money."
- The Psychology of Money

Which fruit is a vampire's favorite?
Neck-tarine!

Fun fact:
Farting helps reduce high blood pressure and is good for your health.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.

When the right people come into your life, the right things start happening.

I can totally be myself around people when I’m alone.

No one is perfect - that’s why pencils have erasers.

Many famous instagrammers are selfie made people.

I don’t have much to say, but that’s never stopped me before.

Christmas trees look toward the future, because the present’s beneath them.

I love jokes. That’s why I am one.

How would a proud computer dad introduce his son?
A microchip off the old block.

— Доктор Кац, это Вам!!
--А шо это ??
— Моя маленькая благодарность - конфеты, коньяк. . .
--Послушайте, а кто вам дал право транжирить мои деньги ??

“All cruelty springs from weakness.”

― Seneca

Одесский дворик. Беседуют два соседа:
— Рабинович, как ви считаете, что сильнее: знание или чувство?
— Чувство!
— Почему?
— Вот знаю, что таки я должен Додику, но чувствую... не отдам.

I like sleeping because its like being dead, without the commitment.

Listen fellas, if your woman says she doesn't want gifts, don't buy her gifts. That shit's on her for lying.

Follow this fresh divorcée for more marriage advice.

— Вы сообразительный человек?
— В смысле?

— Папа, а что такое похмелье?
— Помнишь, мы с тобой шли, а дядя Гриша снег ел?

У страха глаза велики и слабый мочевой пузырь.

Нет пошлых фраз. Есть пошлые уши.

"Expecting things to be bad is the best way to be pleasantly surprised when they’re not."

- The Psychology of Money

Хорошее настроение — это когда тупые не бесят, а веселят.

My occasional good idea is mostly just a bad idea waiting to be revealed.

I always think the thumb is on the left side...

On the other hand, it might be on the right side.

— Посоветуй мне фильм посмотреть.
— Советую тебе фильм посмотреть.

I always regret making a good first impression because theres no way I can keep that shit up!

I think it is fascinating that the word, NOEL, actually does have an L in it.

- Давайте откроем эту дверь.
- Но на ней написано "не входить".
- Разве это нас останавливало?
- Нет, но стремно, когда это написано кровью.

I was surprised to find out that the 'element of surprise' is not there on the periodic table.

First Rule of the Navy Boiler Tech: If all else fails, get a bigger hammer.

if you like water, you already like 72% of me.

Last night I looked at my feet and realized how much they look alike. Then it dawned on me - they’re solemates!

The more you love your decisions, the less you need others to love them.

I met a guy who painted names and numbers on underwater vessels. He was a sub scriber.

I found a coin on the street the other day, and it had teeth marks all over it.
It was a Bitcoin.

What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?

A cookie sheet!

Mortgage: n. A device to measure the density of the people named Mort.

Some people pick their nose.

I feel like I was just born with mine.

How warm is a baby just before their birth?
Womb temperature.

"There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing."

- Aristotle

Любовь между женщинами - это любовь без конца!

He claimed to be a upholsterer, but that claim was found to be fabricated.

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

I tried horse racing, but man, they were just too fast for me.

A large snake obsessed with its health is a hypoanacondriac.

I'm just pondering: Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"?

In the mornings I like dick like I like my coffee. Hard.

I just want someone to sober love me as much as they drunk love me.

I'm an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water.

It's my special-tea.

How much does a grand piano cost?
$1000.

Новый Год - вокруг по прежнему пиздец, но теперь с гирляндами.

I’ve just watched two guys arguing in sign language. Either that, or they were both really bad at karate.

"Choice, not chance, determines your destiny."

- Aristotle

I’ve joined a wine club. We meet every morning at 9am in the park.

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

If we can hurry things along a bit, the new Aerosmith documentary starts shortly and I dont want to miss a thing.

My supervisor decided to fire me because my communication skills were weak. I didn't know what to say!

People love air-conditioning because it’s cool.
People hate vacuuming because it sucks.

Кто не рискует, тот не пьет обезболивающих...

I have a stereo to give away. I would sell it, but the bass dial doesn’t work, so it’s more treble than it’s worth.

The women who married Henry The VIII clearly had lost their heads!

How many click-bait articles does it take to change a light bulb?
The answer may shock you.

Why did Santa's shortest helper go to a therapist? He suffered from low elf esteem.

Sign outside a church:
Singers wanted. Inchoir within.