Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

"There are no facts, only interpretations."

- Friedrich Nietzsche

Someone told me if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea. All I got was 6 years for armed robbery.

Did you know you're allowed to send emails to people in prison ?
You're just not allowed to attach a file.

Gonna quit my job and travel the world till I run out of money!

I should be home in time for dinner...

What kind of coffee were they serving on the Titanic when it struck the iceberg?
Sanka.

Три вида отношений:
1. Есть отношения.
2. Нет отношений.
3. Все трахаются, а вы переписываетесь.

Пытаясь спрятать новую заначку, Василий нашёл старую и на радостях пропил обе.

Surprise fire drill at the urology office today scared the piss out of everyone.

HR says I’m no longer allowed to answer the phone with “for fuck sake, what now”.

I only need to live long enough to win one Darwin Award.

Как показала практика — для начала неплохо было бы ознакомиться с теорией.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

I talk to myself because I agree with the feedback.

Girls who talks about girls problems are great. But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.

What do you call Santa Claus with muscles?

Mr. XMass

My Christmas spirit is vodka

991: Never take rides with strangers

2021: Here is an app for taking rides with strangers

Avoid being rude by never talking to people.

I’ve never understood the concept of a horizon. It’s completely beyond me.

Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better... If every fifth caller was a winner.

I went to the card store to get Christmas cards. I asked the salesperson where to find them. She said, "Aisle B." I said, "Aisle B?" She said, "Yeah. You know, "Aisle B Home for Christmas!"

It's called "marijuana possession" because the term "joint custody" was already taken.

Genie: What is your final wish?

Boy: I wish I were you.

Genue: weurd but alrught.

When a short person says "nice hair" to you... Quickly check your Zip.

If you’re having work-related issues at the stables, contact Human Racehorses.

Милые плодятся - только тешатся.

What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

I think one state
in America has
WiFi network trouble...

Connecticut?

Today’s Grammar Lesson:
“Getting married” is a phrase.
“I am married.” is a sentence
(but with the possibility of parole).

I wanted to be an archeologist in the 1970s, but my girlfriend couldn’t dig it.

If you visit the Museum of Natural History, please don't feed the animals.
They're stuffed!

Indoor skydiving.
Huge fan.

Friend told me my wife and daughter look like they could be twins!

I replied: Well they were separated at birth...

Friday night and im about to hit the gym!
Sorry typo, I meant gin.

О смысле жизни размышляют те, кто не устаёт на работе.

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: whoa that was really fast

"Any fool can know. The point is to understand."

- Albert Einstein

Saw a journalist interviewing someone from my local bike shop. Turns out it was the spokesman.

I can't tell you how much I hate going to the gym when I can't find a parking place close to the door...

Frank was skydiving for the first time. He couldn't open his chute.
As he looked down he saw a guy in an apron flying up towards him.
Frank: Hey! Do you know how to open a parachute?
Guy: No! Do you know how to light a barbecue?

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

The wife's been hinting that she wants something black and lacy for Christmas so I've got her a pair of football boots.

French guy (showing me his yachts):

This is yacht Un. This is yacht Deux. This is yacht Trois. This is yacht Quatre. This is yacht Six.

Me: Wheres the 5th?

French Guy: Cinq.

The only ass I need is assistance.

Common sense is not a gift...it's a punishment.
Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.

My brother's wife left him because he was bankrupted from gambling debts.
He's trying to win her back but I don't fancy his chances.

I went to the librarian’s birthday party today.
I wished her many happy returns. 📚

I’ve just seen a sign that made me wet myself - TOILET CLOSED.

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.”

― Plato

Увидел в переходе пацана с плакатиком "Помогите умерла мама". Жалко стало. Подошёл, добавил запятую.

My visitors cancelled on me at the last minute, so here I am with a clean house like a fucking idiot.

Save time on cleaning by not cleaning.

Ghosts never really leave us… especially the ones we create.

I like people the way I like my tea...in a bag, underwater.

I sang my children to sleep. Does that make me a kid napper?

'm just pondering: Does NASA teach all the astronauts the moon walk dance?

If there's a 1% chance of success, try 100 times.

There are two types of people, those who can't keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes.

Last Christmas
I send you my dick
But the very next day
You blocked me away
This year to save
Me from tears
My dick pic's for
Someone special

Found a joke in the bin today.
It was rubbish.

Dad: As I get older, I realize I hate taking the kids to the playground. There so much screaming and yelling.

Mom: Kids do love screaming.

Dad: I’m talking about me!

Welcome to parenthood, your kid will now sing songs like "poop there it is" while eating breakfast.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Get what you want and stay private.
Let them assume incorrectly.

Never try to use boomerangs as Drumsticks, there'll be re-percussions.

So, I got my grandma a new walking frame made by NASA and she's starting to get the hang of it...

It's one small step for nan.

The older I get the more I understand movie characters who gradually lose their shit and become villains.

In my version of “A Christmas Carol”, I get visited by the ghosts of hangovers past, present and future to learn the value of hydration.

“You look radiant” I said, wondering what else you can call someone who just walked out of a nuclear reactor.

Why did the trombone player get paid less than the drummer?
He works on a sliding scale.

"A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it."

- Albert Einstein

Don’t make important decisions when you are hungry or tired.

Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science.
Sneaking into your neighbor's yard to cut it down is an art.

My whole adult life people have told me I should write my jokes down. I now realise they meant instead of saying them out loud.

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.

"If the conditions don’t suit you, leave."

- Epictetus

Ever wondered why skeletons are so calm?
Prolly because nothing gets under their skin.

"Never give up on the things that make you smile."

What colour are submarines? Deep Navy.

What subject did the snake learn in school on Monday? Hiss-tory!