Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Today’s Grammar Lesson:
“Getting married” is a phrase.
“I am married.” is a sentence
(but with the possibility of parole).

I wanted to be an archeologist in the 1970s, but my girlfriend couldn’t dig it.

If you visit the Museum of Natural History, please don't feed the animals.
They're stuffed!

Indoor skydiving.
Huge fan.

Friend told me my wife and daughter look like they could be twins!

I replied: Well they were separated at birth...

Friday night and im about to hit the gym!
Sorry typo, I meant gin.

О смысле жизни размышляют те, кто не устаёт на работе.

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: whoa that was really fast

"Any fool can know. The point is to understand."

- Albert Einstein

Saw a journalist interviewing someone from my local bike shop. Turns out it was the spokesman.

I can't tell you how much I hate going to the gym when I can't find a parking place close to the door...

Frank was skydiving for the first time. He couldn't open his chute.
As he looked down he saw a guy in an apron flying up towards him.
Frank: Hey! Do you know how to open a parachute?
Guy: No! Do you know how to light a barbecue?

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

The wife's been hinting that she wants something black and lacy for Christmas so I've got her a pair of football boots.

French guy (showing me his yachts):

This is yacht Un. This is yacht Deux. This is yacht Trois. This is yacht Quatre. This is yacht Six.

Me: Wheres the 5th?

French Guy: Cinq.

The only ass I need is assistance.

Common sense is not a gift...it's a punishment.
Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.

My brother's wife left him because he was bankrupted from gambling debts.
He's trying to win her back but I don't fancy his chances.

I went to the librarian’s birthday party today.
I wished her many happy returns. 📚

I’ve just seen a sign that made me wet myself - TOILET CLOSED.

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.”

― Plato

Увидел в переходе пацана с плакатиком "Помогите умерла мама". Жалко стало. Подошёл, добавил запятую.

My visitors cancelled on me at the last minute, so here I am with a clean house like a fucking idiot.

Save time on cleaning by not cleaning.

Ghosts never really leave us… especially the ones we create.

I like people the way I like my tea...in a bag, underwater.

I sang my children to sleep. Does that make me a kid napper?

'm just pondering: Does NASA teach all the astronauts the moon walk dance?

If there's a 1% chance of success, try 100 times.

There are two types of people, those who can't keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes.

Last Christmas
I send you my dick
But the very next day
You blocked me away
This year to save
Me from tears
My dick pic's for
Someone special

Found a joke in the bin today.
It was rubbish.

Dad: As I get older, I realize I hate taking the kids to the playground. There so much screaming and yelling.

Mom: Kids do love screaming.

Dad: I’m talking about me!

Welcome to parenthood, your kid will now sing songs like "poop there it is" while eating breakfast.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Get what you want and stay private.
Let them assume incorrectly.

Never try to use boomerangs as Drumsticks, there'll be re-percussions.

So, I got my grandma a new walking frame made by NASA and she's starting to get the hang of it...

It's one small step for nan.

The older I get the more I understand movie characters who gradually lose their shit and become villains.

In my version of “A Christmas Carol”, I get visited by the ghosts of hangovers past, present and future to learn the value of hydration.

“You look radiant” I said, wondering what else you can call someone who just walked out of a nuclear reactor.

Why did the trombone player get paid less than the drummer?
He works on a sliding scale.

"A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it."

- Albert Einstein

Don’t make important decisions when you are hungry or tired.

Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science.
Sneaking into your neighbor's yard to cut it down is an art.

My whole adult life people have told me I should write my jokes down. I now realise they meant instead of saying them out loud.

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.

"If the conditions don’t suit you, leave."

- Epictetus

Ever wondered why skeletons are so calm?
Prolly because nothing gets under their skin.

"Never give up on the things that make you smile."

What colour are submarines? Deep Navy.

What subject did the snake learn in school on Monday? Hiss-tory!

How did the hen feel on Monday? Eggshausted!

How do you make time go fast on Monday? Throw a clock!

Why did the robot have some trouble focusing at school on Monday? He was a little rusty!

What did the cashew say on Monday morning? Monday always drives me nuts!

What do you call a Friday that is not serious about anything in life? Casual Friday.

What is Daniel Defoe's favorite day of the week? Friday.

Why did Friday go to visit a doctor? He was week.

What’s scarier than Friday the 13th? Mondays.

Do you think Friday the 13th is scary? No, but Fri 10, maybe.

What do you call people who were born on Friday the 13th? By their names.

What kind of dessert goes best with the theme of Friday the 13th? I scream.

When do rich people celebrate Black Friday? Every day.

If I cant get the cork out of my good whiskey does it mean I am too drunk to deserve it.

I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

The best part of working from home is, at lunch, you get to cry in your own bathroom.

When people name their town Plainview, at least they're honest enough to admit it's not much to look at.

For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping. That was a rude awakening.

I wish people would just stop verbing nouns!

"Respect yourself and others will respect you."

- Confucius

I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work.

No matter how wet it is, German weather is wetter.

People who weigh themselves every day are indulging in wishful shrinking.

- Секрет моего успеха у женщин прост.Его нет!
- Секрета?
- Успеха!

Лучше журавль в небе, чем дятел дома.

For our upcoming event, formal dress is required but no smoking allowed.
So remember:
clothes but no cigar!

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, "This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.

The living room curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real...

Earlier my wife asked; "Will you still love me when I'm fat and ugly?"

Me; "You know I do"