Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Me: I put the “man” in “mannequin.”

Target Manager: I’m calling security.

When someone tells me they aren't a dog person, all I hear is blah, blah, blah, I'm a psychopath.

Save money on an ugly holiday sweater by not buying one.

-А вот если бы у тебя было много денег, ты бы какую машину купил?
-"Жигули".
-Я сказал-МНОГО денег!
-А ремонт?

Chuck Norris worked as a car salesman , and sold a car to the owner of the dealership on his first day.

Have you ever heard the story of the blind carpenter? He picked up his hammer and saw.

At school I was forced to join chorus. They said it was re-choired!

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I'm wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway

You’re kinda pretty.

Wanna see my basement pit?

What are kidnappers favorite shoes?

White vans.

If you take all of the arteries, veins, and capillaries in a human body and lay them end to end they will extend over 10,000 miles!

Also, it will definitely kill you!

—Su hija tomó alcohol y drogas en Tomorrowland y murió de una sobredosis.
—¡¿TOMÓ QUÉ?!
—Tomorrowland, señor.

Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

I am a real hard man, they call me Pinocchio. Why? Wooden you like to know.

My tax advisor told me to put something away for a rainy day. I've bought an umbrella.

Got lost in the woods because I couldn't cedar forest fir the trees.

Psychology fact:

Forgiving your old self is self-care.

I went to a job interview today, they asked me why I left my last job, i said that the company relocated, but they didn't tell me Where.

"One who believes in himself has no need to convince others."

- Lao Tzu

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex? My ex.

Got my eyes tested today and told the doctor I wish I could have seen like this last year...

He said 2020 vision is hind sight.

You spent the better part of your childhood believing in Santa Claus.

But you struggle as an adult to believe in yourself. Fix that now!

My buddy who works for the IRS says he can conduct three audits simultaneously. He says it’s because he knows how to multitax.

- Приятно найти в кармане пальто 100 евро. И это я работаю в гардеробе только первый день...

- Вчера ел суп из черепахи.
- И как?
- Ну как... из тарелки - удобнее!

I called my boss a twat and he reduced my pay.
Thus confirming my suspicions.

'Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell.'
'Take these pills and if they don't work, give me a ring.'

Last night our friend Tom dropped his trousers at the dry cleaners.

From there it was a brief ride to the police station…

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Covid turns everything upside down. If you test positive, that's a negative. If you test negative, that's a positive!

I think I’m addicted to horoscopes. I can see all the signs.

— Почему у вас посуда разбита?
— Ругались.
— А почему кровать сломана?
— Мирились.

I tried shipping a Bon Jovi album to my cousin for Christmas but it hasn’t been delivered.

The tracking report keeps saying “oh, it’s halfway there”.

Decided what I want on my tombstone:

"Where the hell is heaven?"

I've blocked everyone I want to sleep with.

If you can read this, it's never gonna happen.

It's a good show that General Washington & Co. were able to defeat the British; otherwise, we'd all be speaking English today.

“The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.”

― Elie Wiesel

My dryer door keeps popping open during use.
If it does it one more time, that's it.
I'm throwing in the towel.

"There are no facts, only interpretations."

- Friedrich Nietzsche

Someone told me if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea. All I got was 6 years for armed robbery.

Did you know you're allowed to send emails to people in prison ?
You're just not allowed to attach a file.

Gonna quit my job and travel the world till I run out of money!

I should be home in time for dinner...

What kind of coffee were they serving on the Titanic when it struck the iceberg?
Sanka.

Три вида отношений:
1. Есть отношения.
2. Нет отношений.
3. Все трахаются, а вы переписываетесь.

Пытаясь спрятать новую заначку, Василий нашёл старую и на радостях пропил обе.

Surprise fire drill at the urology office today scared the piss out of everyone.

HR says I’m no longer allowed to answer the phone with “for fuck sake, what now”.

I only need to live long enough to win one Darwin Award.

Как показала практика — для начала неплохо было бы ознакомиться с теорией.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

I talk to myself because I agree with the feedback.

Girls who talks about girls problems are great. But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.

What do you call Santa Claus with muscles?

Mr. XMass

My Christmas spirit is vodka

991: Never take rides with strangers

2021: Here is an app for taking rides with strangers

Avoid being rude by never talking to people.

I’ve never understood the concept of a horizon. It’s completely beyond me.

Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better... If every fifth caller was a winner.

I went to the card store to get Christmas cards. I asked the salesperson where to find them. She said, "Aisle B." I said, "Aisle B?" She said, "Yeah. You know, "Aisle B Home for Christmas!"

It's called "marijuana possession" because the term "joint custody" was already taken.

Genie: What is your final wish?

Boy: I wish I were you.

Genue: weurd but alrught.

When a short person says "nice hair" to you... Quickly check your Zip.

If you’re having work-related issues at the stables, contact Human Racehorses.

Милые плодятся - только тешатся.

What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

I think one state
in America has
WiFi network trouble...

Connecticut?

Today’s Grammar Lesson:
“Getting married” is a phrase.
“I am married.” is a sentence
(but with the possibility of parole).

I wanted to be an archeologist in the 1970s, but my girlfriend couldn’t dig it.

If you visit the Museum of Natural History, please don't feed the animals.
They're stuffed!

Indoor skydiving.
Huge fan.

Friend told me my wife and daughter look like they could be twins!

I replied: Well they were separated at birth...

Friday night and im about to hit the gym!
Sorry typo, I meant gin.

О смысле жизни размышляют те, кто не устаёт на работе.

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: whoa that was really fast

"Any fool can know. The point is to understand."

- Albert Einstein

Saw a journalist interviewing someone from my local bike shop. Turns out it was the spokesman.

I can't tell you how much I hate going to the gym when I can't find a parking place close to the door...

Frank was skydiving for the first time. He couldn't open his chute.
As he looked down he saw a guy in an apron flying up towards him.
Frank: Hey! Do you know how to open a parachute?
Guy: No! Do you know how to light a barbecue?

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

The wife's been hinting that she wants something black and lacy for Christmas so I've got her a pair of football boots.