Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: not thinking of creative answers to silly interview questions, when we have already established that I am very qualified for this position and would be an asset to your company.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM...

Onion rings.

Me: "I've lost the dictionary."
Wife: "Can you look upstairs?"
Me: "I can't look up anything!"

It was National no bra day today but i knew it was going to be a flop due to the lack of support.

How does a flamenco dancer catch lots of fish.

She castanets.

— Мам, а ты пионером была?
— Была.
— А что вы делали?
— Жгли пионерские костры, собирали металлолом, макулатуру…
— Как бомжи, да?..

— Вам надо полоскать горло. — Ну, если надо, доктор, я согласна. Ласкайте.

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet...

Разговор двух евреев:
– Изя, ты почему такой грустный?
– Ой, Яша, моя любимая Сарочка таки совсем меня не любит...
– С чего ты это взял?
– Я к ней подхожу и прям в глаза: "какая же ты... да у тебя таких как я сотни каждый день..."
– Таки а она шо?
– А шо она... сказала: "мужчина, пакет брать будете? Не задерживайте очередь!

I can tell, just by looking at them, if people are lying.

I can also tell if they're standing.

— Мойша, я сегодня была у доктора. Он посмотрел на мои анализы, на меня, и сказал, что мне таки определённо нужен отдых у моря. Когда мне собираться?
— Розочка, собирайся прямо сейчас!
— О, Мойша, но у меня нет приличного чемодана!
— Зачем тебе чемодан, Розочка? Мы едем к другому доктору.

After five years as Secretary of my local Ladder Association I've decided to step down.

God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.

How do you throw away a garbage can?

My ex says she needs some 'space' and 'time'. Is she calculating velocity?

Гость на обеде у старого еврея.
Еврей — гостю:
— Вы возьмите еще кусочек мяса.
— Спасибо, я уже съел два кусочка.
— Вообще-то четыре, да вы кушайте, кто же считает.

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, ‘Ribbit, ribbit’ and a horny toad says, ‘Rub it, rub it.’

English will always be a problem to me,
until I find that letter 'J' in soldier.

Determined to catch a mouse, so I am lying on the floor with some cheese in my open mouth. I wait with baited breath.

How does The Rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson.

Winter solstice sounds like something we should celebrate with chips and dip.

Для нормального отдыха мне нужно спать 8 часов в день. И столько же ночью...

Earth is mostly water. If that water isn't carbonated that means earth is
flat. Check mate.

- Рабинович, что я вижу! Вы едите сало?
- Ну таки да.
- Ну какой же вы тогда еврей, если едите сало?
- А давайте спросим так: ну какое же это сало, если его ест еврей?

I'm not an organ donor. Heck I don't even own a piano.

— Сарочка, а что вам папа подарил на 8 Марта?
— (гордо) Мне и маме папа подарил по 200 долларов!
— И как вы ими распорядились?
— Мы их положили в семейную копилку, на «чёрный день».
— Ой, какая ты умница! А где папа взял денежку?
— В копилке.

Georgiy Saakov

- Красивая у тебя половая мозаика!
- Половая мозаика - это твоя личная жизнь. А у меня мозаичный пол.

I was going to marry a glue salesman, but.....
he was stuck to his work.

The pronunciation of "PSALM" is "SALM"
The "P" is silent!
Like the "P" in swimming!

You don't need a mistletoe to kiss my ass.

— У вас есть книги по садомазохизму? — Да. — Киньте мне одну в лицо.

Just got an email saying I can win $10,000 in a fishing tournament.

I know that has to be a catch somewhere.

When I was asked by the authorities why I hadn't turned in my crazy brother, who thinks he's a chicken. I replied "We needed the eggs."

How do you make a fruit farmer scream?

You pinch his plums.

How do you make a door laugh?

Tickle its knob.

What do young reindeer want for Christmas? A pony sleigh station.

What is the best Christmas present? A broken drum..you can't beat it!

Dinosaurs never smoked and now they're all dead.

Just great!
…..The furnace is broken at my bank and my assets are frozen.

Пока всё складывается удачно. Деньги кончаются раньше, чем успевают меня испортить.

I had my patience tested.

I’m negative.

Did you know that Penguins secrete an oil under their feathers which helps them to retain body heat.
So basically the oily bird gets the warm.!!

The H in programming stands for happiness.

Nobody:
Person w/ 2 Monitors: “Let me drag this over to my second monitor.”

Confucius say that the path to Inner peace begins with four words.!
"Not my f*cking problem."

Дружить бы рад, выдруживаться тошно...

My wife is my strength. All the other women are my weakness.

Our furniture goes back to Louis the 15th.
That is, unless we pay Louis by the 14th.

"Sometimes even to live is an act of courage."

- Seneca

I am retired in the sense that I was tired yesterday and I am tired again.

Our friend said he's changed his mind. We hope the new one will work better.

I used to have a bunch of running puns but I’ve been unable to jog my memory.

Some men think they are gentlemen, just because they prefer blondes.

How do 1960s baby boomers change a lightbulb?
we don’t.
we just tell you how good the old one was.

Мальчик-йог не поступил в институт. И сейчас сидит дома и кусает локти.

О своей скромности я могу говорить часами.

The greatest mistake you can make in life is continually fearing that you'll make one.- Elbert Hubbard

Who was the asshole that re-gifted George Michael's heart?

I don't argue with people.
I just explain how and why I'm right and walk away.

What does Santa post on his Instagram account?... Elfies!

****Breaking News*****
The inventor of the grenade boomerang has just died.

Your secret is safe with me because I don’t fucking care.

"99% of things you worry about never happen." - Anonymous

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.

I just saw a very angry man jogging across a paddock.

I think he's one of those cross-country runners.

I've decided I'm going to change my footwear from laces to Velcro.
Why knot?

When the doctor told me that there
was a cure for dyslexia,

It was music to my arse!

Good sex is essential for a happy marriage but a marriage isn't essential for good sex.

If you are feeling low, cheer up.
Somebody, somewhere is thinking about you naked.

Last night I dreamed I was a mortgage.

When I woke up, I was a loan.

- Почему ты не моешь ноги?
- Это ниже моего достоинства.

professor: explain the concept of free will

me: do I have a choice?

professor: great job

me: what

friend: you should try to be less panicky and more spontaneous

me: omg when

Make sure you’re perfect before you correct me.

Gonna start saying “figuratively” when the context calls for “literally” just to cheese off the pedants and impress the dullards and ironists.

“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.”

- Confucius

Me: This wine tastes like the world has ended and we are all living in a simulation to punish us for our evil ways.
Waiter: I'm so sorry sir, I'll bring you the wine menu over.
Me: No, bring me more. It has a nice chocolatey finish.

friend: you should try to be more spontaneous.

me: *opening planner* when.

So excited I got a raise today, it was in medication dosage but a win is a win.

If you can learn to laugh at yourself, you will never, ever run out of material.