Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

professor: explain the concept of free will

me: do I have a choice?

professor: great job

me: what

friend: you should try to be less panicky and more spontaneous

me: omg when

Make sure you’re perfect before you correct me.

Gonna start saying “figuratively” when the context calls for “literally” just to cheese off the pedants and impress the dullards and ironists.

“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.”

- Confucius

Me: This wine tastes like the world has ended and we are all living in a simulation to punish us for our evil ways.
Waiter: I'm so sorry sir, I'll bring you the wine menu over.
Me: No, bring me more. It has a nice chocolatey finish.

friend: you should try to be more spontaneous.

me: *opening planner* when.

So excited I got a raise today, it was in medication dosage but a win is a win.

If you can learn to laugh at yourself, you will never, ever run out of material.

С годами шансы на любовь до гроба сильно возрастают.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

I can’t work full time because I have to water my plants.

- Петрович, я тебя в сотый раз прошу: не называй меня своим половым партнёром! Мы с тобой - укладчики паркета!

When asked if there'd be morning mist, the weatherman said, "I don't have the foggiest idea."

- Здравствуйте! Это клуб любителей рандомных ответов?
- Нет.
- А сейчас?

Radio Yerevan was asked: "Can I use aspirin as birth control pill?"
Radio Yerevan answered: "Yes, if you hold it between your knees."

A radio station said to call their hotline to win a prize.
All I got was a burnt hand.

Radio Yerevan was asked: "Was comrade Lenin a scientist or a politician?"
Radio Yerevan answered: "Of course, a politician. If he were a scientist, he would've first tried his theories on dogs."

Can radio be an addiction?
Depends on the frequency.

What do you call an average radio?
Stereo typical.

"A great man is hard on himself; a small man is hard on others."

- Confucius

Christmas: The time of year when everyone gets Santamental.

I realized today that a shoe is a foot's sole mate.

Here's a great secret for keeping your food & electric bills down:

Get a heavier paperweight.

My wife was hoping to marry a man who was filthy rich. (At least she got half of what she wanted!)

What do baby elfs learn in Kindergarten at the North Pole?
The elf-abet.

My friend Elle asked me to tell her a Christmas joke.

I said, "No, Elle."

- Абрам Семёнович, кто у вас в доме главный?
- Моня, не важно, кто в доме главный... Важно, кто в доме тёща!

Dad: Son you're adopted
Me: Wow, I wonder who my real parents are?
Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.

"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

- Oscar Wilde

"Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder."
- Rumi

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

An apostrophe and a comma decided to go for couples counseling. Despite the apostrophe being possessive, the comma didn’t want to end things.

Doctor, looking at my X-rays, “I was afraid of that.
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “Skeletons”

Me: I put the “man” in “mannequin.”

Target Manager: I’m calling security.

When someone tells me they aren't a dog person, all I hear is blah, blah, blah, I'm a psychopath.

Save money on an ugly holiday sweater by not buying one.

-А вот если бы у тебя было много денег, ты бы какую машину купил?
-"Жигули".
-Я сказал-МНОГО денег!
-А ремонт?

Chuck Norris worked as a car salesman , and sold a car to the owner of the dealership on his first day.

Have you ever heard the story of the blind carpenter? He picked up his hammer and saw.

At school I was forced to join chorus. They said it was re-choired!

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I'm wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway

You’re kinda pretty.

Wanna see my basement pit?

What are kidnappers favorite shoes?

White vans.

If you take all of the arteries, veins, and capillaries in a human body and lay them end to end they will extend over 10,000 miles!

Also, it will definitely kill you!

—Su hija tomó alcohol y drogas en Tomorrowland y murió de una sobredosis.
—¡¿TOMÓ QUÉ?!
—Tomorrowland, señor.

Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

I am a real hard man, they call me Pinocchio. Why? Wooden you like to know.

My tax advisor told me to put something away for a rainy day. I've bought an umbrella.

Got lost in the woods because I couldn't cedar forest fir the trees.

Psychology fact:

Forgiving your old self is self-care.

I went to a job interview today, they asked me why I left my last job, i said that the company relocated, but they didn't tell me Where.

"One who believes in himself has no need to convince others."

- Lao Tzu

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex? My ex.

Got my eyes tested today and told the doctor I wish I could have seen like this last year...

He said 2020 vision is hind sight.

You spent the better part of your childhood believing in Santa Claus.

But you struggle as an adult to believe in yourself. Fix that now!

My buddy who works for the IRS says he can conduct three audits simultaneously. He says it’s because he knows how to multitax.

- Приятно найти в кармане пальто 100 евро. И это я работаю в гардеробе только первый день...

- Вчера ел суп из черепахи.
- И как?
- Ну как... из тарелки - удобнее!

I called my boss a twat and he reduced my pay.
Thus confirming my suspicions.

'Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell.'
'Take these pills and if they don't work, give me a ring.'

Last night our friend Tom dropped his trousers at the dry cleaners.

From there it was a brief ride to the police station…

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Covid turns everything upside down. If you test positive, that's a negative. If you test negative, that's a positive!

I think I’m addicted to horoscopes. I can see all the signs.

— Почему у вас посуда разбита?
— Ругались.
— А почему кровать сломана?
— Мирились.

I tried shipping a Bon Jovi album to my cousin for Christmas but it hasn’t been delivered.

The tracking report keeps saying “oh, it’s halfway there”.

Decided what I want on my tombstone:

"Where the hell is heaven?"

I've blocked everyone I want to sleep with.

If you can read this, it's never gonna happen.

It's a good show that General Washington & Co. were able to defeat the British; otherwise, we'd all be speaking English today.

“The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.”

― Elie Wiesel

My dryer door keeps popping open during use.
If it does it one more time, that's it.
I'm throwing in the towel.

"There are no facts, only interpretations."

- Friedrich Nietzsche

Someone told me if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea. All I got was 6 years for armed robbery.

Did you know you're allowed to send emails to people in prison ?
You're just not allowed to attach a file.

Gonna quit my job and travel the world till I run out of money!

I should be home in time for dinner...

What kind of coffee were they serving on the Titanic when it struck the iceberg?
Sanka.

Три вида отношений:
1. Есть отношения.
2. Нет отношений.
3. Все трахаются, а вы переписываетесь.

Пытаясь спрятать новую заначку, Василий нашёл старую и на радостях пропил обе.

Surprise fire drill at the urology office today scared the piss out of everyone.