Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

This is my last message to you: in sorrow, seek happiness.

• Fyodor Dostoyevsky

So Jesus walks in to a bar and orders 12 waters then turns and winks at his disciples.

Somewhere out there your name comes up when couples argue.

Doctors have found a cure for dyslexia, well that's music to my arse.

Johnny from the back seat, "I must have got my looks from you Dad."
Dad glancing at himself in the rearview mirror, preening a bit, "what makes you say that?"
Johnny, "cuz Mom still has hers."

I have a date tonight...with my bed. We're totally gonna sleep together.

This year I vow not to tell any jokes about Thanksgiving leftovers. I'm going to... (wait for it) ...quit cold turkey.

I asked my wife to share the queen sized blanket we have on our bed. She said: I am under it, it is already at max capacity!

Tips for Americans dating European women:

1) Do NOT compliment her fanny
2) Your foot fetish is a 30.48 cm fetish

Let he who is without sin use cos or tan to calculate the side lengths of a triangle.

If alcohol isn’t the answer then obviously the wrong questions are being asked.

It takes less muscles to smile than it does to murder someone and bury their body in a remote location.

I never understood why my wife grabbed her boobs when going down the stairs until I grew my own set during quarantine.

I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, but I can't prove it. -Ashleigh Brilliant

I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation.
The first page says, “You’re not helping!”

«Самое лучшее,—сказал Швейк,—это выдавать себя за идиота».
~ Ярослав Гашек (1883—1923)

I am soooo single that when they ask for an emergency contact, I just put down "Jesus"!

Me and my wife did our Weekly Grocery shop in Lidl on the day we got married.
For Butter and for Wurst.

They told me to play Jesus but my hair was black so I had to dye for their scenes.

Везет дураку, что рот на боку.

- Зачем вы ходите в пивную?
- Там музыка…
- Ходите в консерваторию!
- Там пива нет…

Volleyball is just professional hot potato.

Tight pussy is for little boys, real men live in tunnels, caves and boreholes.

Чем меньше женщину мы лупим, тем больше нравимся мы ей.

"Day by day, what you choose, what you think, and what you do is who you become."

- Heraclitus

I don’t even run if I’m in danger, what makes you think I would do it for fun?

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.

If GOD is everywhere, why do people look up to talk to Him?

Lazy people like me go to Heaven, or they send someone to pick us up?

Renamed my wife San Marino because she kicks off every 10 minutes!

Just a reminder that it’s actually cool as fuck to be nice to others.

My email wasn't working this morning so I asked my magic 8 ball why...

It said "outlook not so good."

I tell people "I'm not looking for anything serious" because I'm hunting clowns.

People growing up now will have no idea what those sounds are at the beginning of Pink Floyd’s “Money”.

My nephew asked me to explain women to him.

I gave him a Rubik's Cube with one side missing.

Life is like playing guitar. I’m not very good at playing guitar.

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato!

I used to like to sleep with the bedside lamp on.

My wife would say, “Take it off, you look ridiculous!".

"Quiet people have the loudest minds."

- Stephen Hawking

“If you get up in the morning and think the future is going to be better, it is a bright day. Otherwise, it’s not.”

– Elon Musk

A person who ends his sentences with a preposition is someone Im not a fan of.

Мечта идиота часто выглядит как жена соседа.

What is the difference between St George and Santa's reindeer? One slays a dragon, the others are dragging a sleigh.

A benefit of wearing glasses is taking them off when you're about to make a point so people know it's about to get real.

Everyone's the asshole in someone's story, but you're the asshole in everyone's story.

Shout out to old people, otherwise they can't hear shit.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

I have had oysters once and, you know what?...that is the exact reason why I haven't had oysters twice.

My knight is not coming on a white horse. He's obviously riding a turtle somewhere, really confused.

Если есть Нептун, то где то должен быть Птун.

"To hell with them. Nothing hurts if you don’t let it."
Ernest Hemingway

My wife said to me "I bet you don't remember our wedding vows".
I said I do.

"You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you."
- Paulo Coelho.

Before she became Madonna, she was a pre-Madonna.

MARRIAGE IS LIKE a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what's in it!

I Hate That Feeling when you close your eyes to apply shampoo, and get paranoid that someone will kill you in the shower.

Ever notice there has never been a hurricane named Chuck. Just imagine the devastation.

"Don't explain your philosophy. Embody it."
- Epictetus

Question:
– What is the difference between terrorists and singers in Romania?
Answer:
– Terrorists are known to everyone.

My mate doesn't know what 'far-fetched' means. Unbelievable.

I've decided to go vegan. From now on, I'll only eat animals that eat grass.

We know that no one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it.
-George Orwell

There is a source of power in each of us that we don't realize until we take responsibility.
-Diane Nash

Authority, power, and wealth do not change a man; they only reveal him.
-Ali ibn Abi Talib

The strong is not the one who is physically powerful, but indeed, the one who controls himself when angry.
-Muhammad

You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.
- Marcus Aurelius

Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
-Lord Acton

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
-Abraham Lincoln

“You should never ask anyone for anything. Never- and especially from those who are more powerful than yourself.”
― Mikhail Bulgakov, The Master and Margarita

“It's all mirror, mirror on the wall because beauty is power the same way money is power the same way a gun is power.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

“Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.”
― Margaret Thatcher

“The measure of a man is what he does with power.”
― Plato

“Recognizing power in another does not diminish your own.”
― Joss Whedon

“Knowledge is power. Power to do evil...or power to do good. Power itself is not evil. So knowledge itself is not evil.”
― Veronica Roth, Allegiant

“I wonder if fears ever really go away, or if they just lose their power over us.”
― Veronica Roth, Allegiant

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.”
― Oscar Wilde

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any.
-Alice Walker

Power doesn't corrupt people, people corrupt power.
- William Gaddis

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
- Robert A. Heinlein.

If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought.
-Peace Pilgrim