Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Everyone's the asshole in someone's story, but you're the asshole in everyone's story.

Shout out to old people, otherwise they can't hear shit.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

I have had oysters once and, you know what?...that is the exact reason why I haven't had oysters twice.

My knight is not coming on a white horse. He's obviously riding a turtle somewhere, really confused.

Если есть Нептун, то где то должен быть Птун.

"To hell with them. Nothing hurts if you don’t let it."
Ernest Hemingway

My wife said to me "I bet you don't remember our wedding vows".
I said I do.

"You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you."
- Paulo Coelho.

Before she became Madonna, she was a pre-Madonna.

MARRIAGE IS LIKE a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what's in it!

I Hate That Feeling when you close your eyes to apply shampoo, and get paranoid that someone will kill you in the shower.

Ever notice there has never been a hurricane named Chuck. Just imagine the devastation.

"Don't explain your philosophy. Embody it."
- Epictetus

Question:
– What is the difference between terrorists and singers in Romania?
Answer:
– Terrorists are known to everyone.

My mate doesn't know what 'far-fetched' means. Unbelievable.

I've decided to go vegan. From now on, I'll only eat animals that eat grass.

We know that no one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it.
-George Orwell

There is a source of power in each of us that we don't realize until we take responsibility.
-Diane Nash

Authority, power, and wealth do not change a man; they only reveal him.
-Ali ibn Abi Talib

The strong is not the one who is physically powerful, but indeed, the one who controls himself when angry.
-Muhammad

You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.
- Marcus Aurelius

Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
-Lord Acton

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
-Abraham Lincoln

“You should never ask anyone for anything. Never- and especially from those who are more powerful than yourself.”
― Mikhail Bulgakov, The Master and Margarita

“It's all mirror, mirror on the wall because beauty is power the same way money is power the same way a gun is power.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

“Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.”
― Margaret Thatcher

“The measure of a man is what he does with power.”
― Plato

“Recognizing power in another does not diminish your own.”
― Joss Whedon

“Knowledge is power. Power to do evil...or power to do good. Power itself is not evil. So knowledge itself is not evil.”
― Veronica Roth, Allegiant

“I wonder if fears ever really go away, or if they just lose their power over us.”
― Veronica Roth, Allegiant

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.”
― Oscar Wilde

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any.
-Alice Walker

Power doesn't corrupt people, people corrupt power.
- William Gaddis

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
- Robert A. Heinlein.

If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought.
-Peace Pilgrim

The greatest power is not money power, but political power.
-Walter Annenberg

Creativity is the power to connect the seemingly unconnected.
-William Plomer.

The only way to predict the future is to have power to shape the future.
- Eric Hoffer.

A man with a dog walks into a bar
The bartender asks is that a french poodle?
because its going oui oui all over the place.

I once had a second job in a hool-a-hoop factory.

But, It I still couldn't make ends meet.

Me [first day as a vet]: What seems to the problem?
Cat: meow
Me: Yes, but where?

- Сарочка, вы так много кушаете, как будто вас уже взяли замуж.

Дети мои, я прожил трудную жизнь. Мои пальцы с трудом пишут слово "хуй", но оно будет часто встречаться в этом завещании.

I hate it when I think I'm buying organic vegetables but when I get home I discover they're just regular donuts!

‘I like the way you scramble my eggs’

~me, flirting

Мальчик объяснил жестами, что его зовут Хулио.

Actions speak louder with a spanish accent.

When your doctor ends your appointment with, "well... good luck", you KNOW your health is bad.

Водка создана для того, чтобы русские не правили миром.

- Мама, а наш папа ест собак?
- С чего ты взял?
- А он по телефону с дядей Витей разговаривал, и сказал, что какую-то сучку вчера два часа жарил.

When Chuck Norris was a kid, he played the floor is lava inside active volcanos.

Santa Claus did
a gig once,
he totally sleighed it.

I introduced my girlfriend to my millionaire grandfather.
Well, I call her grandma now.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just two, but I have NO IDEA how they got in there!

Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical" so after we made love i disappeared.

An alligator was getting his bathroom remodeled .
He decided to replace the floor tiles with reptiles. Also came with a new scale.

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris.

I assume orgy etiquette is like silverware. You start on the outside and work your way in.

"If I had to write a book on morality, it would have a hundred pages and ninety-nine would be blank. On the last page I should write: "I recognize only one duty, and that is to love.”
— Albert Camus, Notebooks (1935-1942)

Своё психологическое состояние надо хранить в недоступных для идиотов местах

What do Scottish frogs play? Hop-Scotch.

A gymnast walks into a bar. He gets a two-point deduction and ruins his chances of a medal.

I had to go on two diets because one wasn't giving me enough food.

As raindrops say, two's company, three's a cloud.

У вас должна быть мечта, чтобы вы могли вставать по утрам.
Мохаммед Али

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

List of words containing "meow":
meow, meowed, meowing, meows, homeowner.

A man was found guilty of overusing commas. The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.

Chuck Norris is the only human alive that will out live Keith Richards.

I thought the local farmer was a magician when his tractor turned into a field.

I said to my wife,
“Did you hear my last pun?”
She replied,
“I hope so!”

О главных проблемах страны, как правило, поётся в её гимне.

I had a girlfriend that left me because I'm so arrogant. I told her to close the door on her way back in!

Самый хороший учитель в жизни — опыт.
Берет, правда, дорого, но объясняет доходчиво.

Если на женщине надета короткая юбка — то уже не важно, как она накрашена…

Если вы белая и пушистая — вам пора в солярий и на эпиляцию.

Настоящие мужчины при виде обнаженной женщины не краснеют, а бледнеют. Крови для лица не остается…

Каннибалы тоже считают, что люди созданы друг для друга.

Любовь — это состояние живого организма, заставляющее забыть о собственной заднице и думать о чужой.