Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

All these companies bragging about making plants taste like meat...

Cows have been doing that forever!

Top Five Reasons To Drink:

5. To celebrate
4. Socially
3. To forget
2. Because you can
1. Everything looks better when it’s blurry

Когда глаза парня и девушки впервые встретились, парень растерялся. То ли от того, что влюбился. То ли от того, что он в этот момент срал за гаражом.

As a teenager I used to make perfume for Barbies. But that’s just a-doll-essence.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.

Keep it private until you know it’s permanent.

All the victims were either deaf, dumb or blind...
A police spokesperson said they were senseless crimes.

A week ago Thursday was National Procrastination Day. Time to celebrate!

I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest... just not more than I don’t want to.

My wife once found a hair in her salad at a reasonably "nice" restaurant. I told her it reminded me of a movie -- When Hairy Met Salad.

Used to wonder how Darth Vader ate with that mask on then I realised he's probably force fed.

"Is there a word in the English language that contains all the vowels?"

"Unquestionably!"

«Интеллигентная семья продаст двух фортепьянов и одну роялю. Мешаются в калидоре».

I crossed a Turkey with a ghost...........
Yep you got it Poultrygeist...........

Congratulating random women on their pregnancy is always a hit or miss scenario.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

Loneliness is not being alone, it's a bliss.

The company that provides my VPN is anon profit organisation.

Q: What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam?
A: A Sister-In-Law

“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.”

- Marcus Aurelius

I just found out I was dating a communist. I should have noticed the red flags sooner.

После первой брачной ночи молодой муж побежал на кухню, сделал кофе, принёс жене в постель. Та отпила и сказала:
- Кофе тоже слабый...

Alcohol is a solution, just not to your problems...

Hummingbirds are just regular birds that don’t know the words to the song.

Prince charming: will you go to the ball with me?

Prince rude: wanna ball?

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

Yesterday I cried for four hours for no reason whatsoever so don't tell me I don't have hobbies.

There is no "i" in team. But there's an "i" in Tim, and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team". So there!

This nude zero-gravity training exercise has gone completely tits up.

"Don’t change the goal, change the plan."

"Patience is a key element of success."
~ Bill Gates

I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
-Ashleigh Brilliant

Si amas a alguien, déjalo dormir.

Be yourself! Everyone else is already taken.

Хочешь быть счастливым?
Будь им!
Главное чтоб жена не узнала.

I don’t like grammar Nazis in fact I don’t get on with any of my German relatives.

"Being poor is not having too little, it is wanting more."

- Seneca

What did the big bucket say to the little bucket? You look a little pail.

Работа не волк. Работа — work.

Летящие голуби повысили в звании проходившего под ними офицера.

Умный мужчина никогда не кричит на женщину. Приказы отдаются спокойно, чётко и ясно.

I was so upset when my wife called me a hopeless drunk.

I thought that was the one thing I was really good at.

I'm selling some racing geese.

If you want have a quick gander give me a call.

A friend started a submarine building company. Unfortunately it went under.

Look at your habits, they are the ones dictating your life.

Coffee….because life is a bitch.

Why aren't dogs good dancers?
They have two left feet!

According to psychology, silence is the best answer to someone who doesn’t value your words.

Choosing to care less is a form of self-care.

After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.

To reduce my carbon footprint, I've decided not to wear my carbon shoes.

Meditation is just like: Go be bored for 15 minutes. It's good for you.

After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.
Every time I walk by she says, What an Ass.

I love my toilet. We've been through a lot of shit together!

I recently saw an advert for a sleep prevention device,

I thought it was a real eye opener.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.

- Who are those staff members who keep shrinking?
- Oh, they're just the contractors.

I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I'd love to punch them in the face.

Q: Why couldn't the kindergarten teacher see in the dark?

A: She has tiny pupils.

— Почему у тебя ботинки в помаде?
— По бабам ходил.

The best thing about being a man is not worrying about needing a new fall purse.

I like the quiet, but I know how to make noise.

“Once you learn to read, you will be forever free.”
- Frederick Douglass

Sometimes I retweet people just to remind them they haven’t unfollowed me yet.

You’d be amazed at the things I don’t believe.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

I like to put things back where I got them from when I am done using them...so I dropped your mom off at the bar.

"You become what you give your attention to."
- Epictetus

Что у трезвого на уме, то у пьяного в животе.

I ask my wife"what would you do if we won the lottery?
She said,"well I'd take my half,get a divorce and moved to Hawaii!"
I said" good news"as I handed her half of the $12.00 I just won on a scratch off. told her to stay in touch and enjoy her flight!

My friend had a breakdown which first manifested as a fear of barbers. After that, things got really hairy.

I like school. I just hate the learning part.

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.

If you can't convince them... confuse them!

That awkward moment when you don't understand a joke but laugh anyway, and then someone asks you to explain the joke.

Your bio says taken but your lack of Liam Neeson pictures tell me otherwise.

I know he didn’t dream of me because he slept well.

I would be such an amazing, patient mother if it weren't for all these kids.

Y’all relationships truly inspire me..
To be single.