Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I would be such an amazing, patient mother if it weren't for all these kids.

Y’all relationships truly inspire me..
To be single.

I just went to a cannibal themed restaurant... I thought it would cost an arm and a leg, but it was only $23 a head.

I liked it better when we got the news from Huey Lewis.

I wanted to be a Flasher until I found out they don't get paid!
They just do it for the Exposure?!?

I'm sure I saw the Hunchback of Notre Dame yesterday...

If it wasn't him, it was a dead ringer.

We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us...

Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you're a saint.
Go to a women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind!

-Папа, можешь помочь мне с физикой?
-Конечно!
-Как умирают звёзды?
-В 27 лет и от передозировки…

I just saw two elementary school kids having a fist fight. So as an adult I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance.

You'll try the extreme anxiety of not being enough. Love makes us fragile.
G. G. Marquez.

"Only through suffering can we find ourselves."
- Fyodor Dostoevsky

"When there is love you can live even without happiness."
- Fyodor Dostoevsky

What country is filled with body builders?

Liftuania.

What do you call a snake without any clothing?
S-naked.

I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching… my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

"Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings -- always darker, emptier and simpler."
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Take forgiveness slowly. Don't blame yourself for being slow. Peace will come.
- Yoko Ono

A woman walks into a gun shop. It’s for my husband,

the owner asks "Did he tell you what calibre to get?"

Are you joking? He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him!

If you're an idiot and know you're an idiot, you're already way less of an idiot than an idiot that doesn't realize they're an idiot.

How does a French skeleton say hello? Bone-jour.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

“The closer the collapse of the Empire, the crazier its laws are.”
― Marcus Tullius Cicero

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Y’all better not ask Santa for someone sexy because i can’t be with everyone at once.

- Андрюшка, а у вас с Витюшей есть дети?
- Какие в жопу дети!

If you pee in your dream and actually wet the bed, that's technically a dream come true.

What do you get when you mix a tortoise with a porcupine?
A slow poke.

В пивной на Брайтон-Бич.
- Хаймович, ви совсем не умеете играть в футбол! Почему ви забили мяч в свои ворота на последней минуте?
- Ой-вей! Абраша, cкажу вам по секрету, я поспорил на пиво с Рабиновичем, что обязательно забью гол в этом матче!

Huge shout out to those that danced near the speakers in the 90s.

A waitress screamed Does anyone know CPR?

I shouted Hell, I know the whole alphabet

Everyone laughed..

Well everyone except this one guy.

“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.”
- Seneca

It’s important to stay hydrated but that doesn’t mean it’s ever OK to put ice in your whisky.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

К советам я отношусь с большим подозрением. Обычно хорошее бесплатно не раздают.

Nothing lasts longer than a video someone is showing you that you have no interest in.

Улыбка - это удостоверение оптимизма.

Success does not consist in never making mistakes but in never making the same one a second time.

- Почему-то, когда вы улыбаетесь, один глаз у вас веселый, а другой грустный-грустный такой.
- Веселый это искусственный.

A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.
I said people who sell fruit and vegetables​ are grocer...

—Mamá, esos niños se burlan de que no tengo brazos.
—¿Cuáles?
—¡Esos!
—Señálalos que no los veo, JAJAJAJAJA.
—Ay mamá, te odio.

— Не надо, Стёпа! Стё-па, опа, опа, опа…

Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose.

В гаремах нет плохих танцоров.

I know a guy who's a baker in the army.
He goes into battle all buns glazing.

Don't underestimate stupid people. They outnumber us.

Start with what is right rather than what is acceptable.

A friend of mine had Ham Flu. He had Swine Flu, then he was cured...

Cuarta ley de Newton: Todo cuerpo permanece en estado de reposo hasta que llega tu mamá y te despierta.

I just bought two fish and called one one and the other two...
When one dies I'll still have two.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

"A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new."

- Albert Einstein

I am stuck between "I need to save money" and "You only live once".

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

"Be alone, that is the secret of invention; be alone, that is when ideas are born."

- Nikola Tesla

Что значит - коньяк не решает проблемы?! Как будто кефир решает! Коньяк хотя бы старается.

Семь раз отпей, один отъешь.

- Дорогой, в наших отношениях возникла проблема...
- Какая?
- Я забыла, как тебя зовут...

20: I wish I had more money

40: I wish I had more time

60: I wish y’all would be quiet

Дарёному коньяку в звёзды не смотрят.

A son and his father go fishing together for the first time.

Son: How do I catch a fish?
Dad: Easy, just throw this clickbait into the water.
Son: Got it, what’s next?
Dad: What happens next will shock you.

Boss: We need to talk about your lack of productivity.

Me: Can it wait until after my nap?

Don't follow me. I'm not going anywhere.

My wife loves to be wooed so whenever we have a date night I have to dress up as a ghost.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It's true. After going to the gym I easily decided I'm never going again.

We've all seen a refrigerator run, a micro wave, and a kitchen sink. But I just saw a toilet bowl. It was striking!

Life insurance is something that helps keeps folks poor all their lives so they can die rich.

“If you could choose one person living or dead to hang out with who would it be?”

- how to confuse a zombie

The danger of National Margarita Day is that it turns into National White People Dancing In Sombreros Night.

Water is just soup with a lack of ambition.

Someone has been stealing t-shirts locally in order of size. Apparently he’s still at large.

What do you call a dictionary on drugs? High definition.

I went to the optometrist to get my eyeglasses repaired.
“You have a screw loose,” she said.
“I know. But can you fix my glasses?”

Не пойму, что мне больше нравится: собирать грибы или просто ходить по осеннему лесу с ножом в руке.

- Пап, а тебе нравятся клоуны?
- Вокруг или в цирке?

I've got a date with this tailor lady.
She seams nice.

I have heard that famous people have many fans. I would rather have a decent silent air conditioning.

I've always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, "So, what do we have here?"

Оптимист пришёл на кладбище.

И увидел сплошные плюсы.

Alcohol doesnt make you fat, it makes you lean.......against tables, chairs and walls.