Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I know a guy who's a baker in the army.
He goes into battle all buns glazing.

Don't underestimate stupid people. They outnumber us.

Start with what is right rather than what is acceptable.

A friend of mine had Ham Flu. He had Swine Flu, then he was cured...

Cuarta ley de Newton: Todo cuerpo permanece en estado de reposo hasta que llega tu mamá y te despierta.

I just bought two fish and called one one and the other two...
When one dies I'll still have two.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

"A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new."

- Albert Einstein

I am stuck between "I need to save money" and "You only live once".

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

"Be alone, that is the secret of invention; be alone, that is when ideas are born."

- Nikola Tesla

Что значит - коньяк не решает проблемы?! Как будто кефир решает! Коньяк хотя бы старается.

Семь раз отпей, один отъешь.

- Дорогой, в наших отношениях возникла проблема...
- Какая?
- Я забыла, как тебя зовут...

20: I wish I had more money

40: I wish I had more time

60: I wish y’all would be quiet

Дарёному коньяку в звёзды не смотрят.

A son and his father go fishing together for the first time.

Son: How do I catch a fish?
Dad: Easy, just throw this clickbait into the water.
Son: Got it, what’s next?
Dad: What happens next will shock you.

Boss: We need to talk about your lack of productivity.

Me: Can it wait until after my nap?

Don't follow me. I'm not going anywhere.

My wife loves to be wooed so whenever we have a date night I have to dress up as a ghost.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It's true. After going to the gym I easily decided I'm never going again.

We've all seen a refrigerator run, a micro wave, and a kitchen sink. But I just saw a toilet bowl. It was striking!

Life insurance is something that helps keeps folks poor all their lives so they can die rich.

“If you could choose one person living or dead to hang out with who would it be?”

- how to confuse a zombie

The danger of National Margarita Day is that it turns into National White People Dancing In Sombreros Night.

Water is just soup with a lack of ambition.

Someone has been stealing t-shirts locally in order of size. Apparently he’s still at large.

What do you call a dictionary on drugs? High definition.

I went to the optometrist to get my eyeglasses repaired.
“You have a screw loose,” she said.
“I know. But can you fix my glasses?”

Не пойму, что мне больше нравится: собирать грибы или просто ходить по осеннему лесу с ножом в руке.

- Пап, а тебе нравятся клоуны?
- Вокруг или в цирке?

I've got a date with this tailor lady.
She seams nice.

I have heard that famous people have many fans. I would rather have a decent silent air conditioning.

I've always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, "So, what do we have here?"

Оптимист пришёл на кладбище.

И увидел сплошные плюсы.

Alcohol doesnt make you fat, it makes you lean.......against tables, chairs and walls.

This is my last message to you: in sorrow, seek happiness.

• Fyodor Dostoyevsky

So Jesus walks in to a bar and orders 12 waters then turns and winks at his disciples.

Somewhere out there your name comes up when couples argue.

Doctors have found a cure for dyslexia, well that's music to my arse.

Johnny from the back seat, "I must have got my looks from you Dad."
Dad glancing at himself in the rearview mirror, preening a bit, "what makes you say that?"
Johnny, "cuz Mom still has hers."

I have a date tonight...with my bed. We're totally gonna sleep together.

This year I vow not to tell any jokes about Thanksgiving leftovers. I'm going to... (wait for it) ...quit cold turkey.

I asked my wife to share the queen sized blanket we have on our bed. She said: I am under it, it is already at max capacity!

Tips for Americans dating European women:

1) Do NOT compliment her fanny
2) Your foot fetish is a 30.48 cm fetish

Let he who is without sin use cos or tan to calculate the side lengths of a triangle.

If alcohol isn’t the answer then obviously the wrong questions are being asked.

It takes less muscles to smile than it does to murder someone and bury their body in a remote location.

I never understood why my wife grabbed her boobs when going down the stairs until I grew my own set during quarantine.

I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, but I can't prove it. -Ashleigh Brilliant

I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation.
The first page says, “You’re not helping!”

«Самое лучшее,—сказал Швейк,—это выдавать себя за идиота».
~ Ярослав Гашек (1883—1923)

I am soooo single that when they ask for an emergency contact, I just put down "Jesus"!

Me and my wife did our Weekly Grocery shop in Lidl on the day we got married.
For Butter and for Wurst.

They told me to play Jesus but my hair was black so I had to dye for their scenes.

Везет дураку, что рот на боку.

- Зачем вы ходите в пивную?
- Там музыка…
- Ходите в консерваторию!
- Там пива нет…

Volleyball is just professional hot potato.

Tight pussy is for little boys, real men live in tunnels, caves and boreholes.

Чем меньше женщину мы лупим, тем больше нравимся мы ей.

"Day by day, what you choose, what you think, and what you do is who you become."

- Heraclitus

I don’t even run if I’m in danger, what makes you think I would do it for fun?

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.

If GOD is everywhere, why do people look up to talk to Him?

Lazy people like me go to Heaven, or they send someone to pick us up?

Renamed my wife San Marino because she kicks off every 10 minutes!

Just a reminder that it’s actually cool as fuck to be nice to others.

My email wasn't working this morning so I asked my magic 8 ball why...

It said "outlook not so good."

I tell people "I'm not looking for anything serious" because I'm hunting clowns.

People growing up now will have no idea what those sounds are at the beginning of Pink Floyd’s “Money”.

My nephew asked me to explain women to him.

I gave him a Rubik's Cube with one side missing.

Life is like playing guitar. I’m not very good at playing guitar.

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato!

I used to like to sleep with the bedside lamp on.

My wife would say, “Take it off, you look ridiculous!".

"Quiet people have the loudest minds."

- Stephen Hawking

“If you get up in the morning and think the future is going to be better, it is a bright day. Otherwise, it’s not.”

– Elon Musk

A person who ends his sentences with a preposition is someone Im not a fan of.

Мечта идиота часто выглядит как жена соседа.

What is the difference between St George and Santa's reindeer? One slays a dragon, the others are dragging a sleigh.

A benefit of wearing glasses is taking them off when you're about to make a point so people know it's about to get real.