Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Before she became Madonna, she was a pre-Madonna.

MARRIAGE IS LIKE a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what's in it!

I Hate That Feeling when you close your eyes to apply shampoo, and get paranoid that someone will kill you in the shower.

Ever notice there has never been a hurricane named Chuck. Just imagine the devastation.

"Don't explain your philosophy. Embody it."
- Epictetus

Question:
– What is the difference between terrorists and singers in Romania?
Answer:
– Terrorists are known to everyone.

My mate doesn't know what 'far-fetched' means. Unbelievable.

I've decided to go vegan. From now on, I'll only eat animals that eat grass.

We know that no one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it.
-George Orwell

There is a source of power in each of us that we don't realize until we take responsibility.
-Diane Nash

Authority, power, and wealth do not change a man; they only reveal him.
-Ali ibn Abi Talib

The strong is not the one who is physically powerful, but indeed, the one who controls himself when angry.
-Muhammad

You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.
- Marcus Aurelius

Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
-Lord Acton

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
-Abraham Lincoln

“You should never ask anyone for anything. Never- and especially from those who are more powerful than yourself.”
― Mikhail Bulgakov, The Master and Margarita

“It's all mirror, mirror on the wall because beauty is power the same way money is power the same way a gun is power.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

“Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.”
― Margaret Thatcher

“The measure of a man is what he does with power.”
― Plato

“Recognizing power in another does not diminish your own.”
― Joss Whedon

“Knowledge is power. Power to do evil...or power to do good. Power itself is not evil. So knowledge itself is not evil.”
― Veronica Roth, Allegiant

“I wonder if fears ever really go away, or if they just lose their power over us.”
― Veronica Roth, Allegiant

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.”
― Oscar Wilde

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any.
-Alice Walker

Power doesn't corrupt people, people corrupt power.
- William Gaddis

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
- Robert A. Heinlein.

If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought.
-Peace Pilgrim

The greatest power is not money power, but political power.
-Walter Annenberg

Creativity is the power to connect the seemingly unconnected.
-William Plomer.

The only way to predict the future is to have power to shape the future.
- Eric Hoffer.

A man with a dog walks into a bar
The bartender asks is that a french poodle?
because its going oui oui all over the place.

I once had a second job in a hool-a-hoop factory.

But, It I still couldn't make ends meet.

Me [first day as a vet]: What seems to the problem?
Cat: meow
Me: Yes, but where?

- Сарочка, вы так много кушаете, как будто вас уже взяли замуж.

Дети мои, я прожил трудную жизнь. Мои пальцы с трудом пишут слово "хуй", но оно будет часто встречаться в этом завещании.

I hate it when I think I'm buying organic vegetables but when I get home I discover they're just regular donuts!

‘I like the way you scramble my eggs’

~me, flirting

Мальчик объяснил жестами, что его зовут Хулио.

Actions speak louder with a spanish accent.

When your doctor ends your appointment with, "well... good luck", you KNOW your health is bad.

Водка создана для того, чтобы русские не правили миром.

- Мама, а наш папа ест собак?
- С чего ты взял?
- А он по телефону с дядей Витей разговаривал, и сказал, что какую-то сучку вчера два часа жарил.

When Chuck Norris was a kid, he played the floor is lava inside active volcanos.

Santa Claus did
a gig once,
he totally sleighed it.

I introduced my girlfriend to my millionaire grandfather.
Well, I call her grandma now.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just two, but I have NO IDEA how they got in there!

Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical" so after we made love i disappeared.

An alligator was getting his bathroom remodeled .
He decided to replace the floor tiles with reptiles. Also came with a new scale.

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris.

I assume orgy etiquette is like silverware. You start on the outside and work your way in.

"If I had to write a book on morality, it would have a hundred pages and ninety-nine would be blank. On the last page I should write: "I recognize only one duty, and that is to love.”
— Albert Camus, Notebooks (1935-1942)

Своё психологическое состояние надо хранить в недоступных для идиотов местах

What do Scottish frogs play? Hop-Scotch.

A gymnast walks into a bar. He gets a two-point deduction and ruins his chances of a medal.

I had to go on two diets because one wasn't giving me enough food.

As raindrops say, two's company, three's a cloud.

У вас должна быть мечта, чтобы вы могли вставать по утрам.
Мохаммед Али

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

List of words containing "meow":
meow, meowed, meowing, meows, homeowner.

A man was found guilty of overusing commas. The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.

Chuck Norris is the only human alive that will out live Keith Richards.

I thought the local farmer was a magician when his tractor turned into a field.

I said to my wife,
“Did you hear my last pun?”
She replied,
“I hope so!”

О главных проблемах страны, как правило, поётся в её гимне.

I had a girlfriend that left me because I'm so arrogant. I told her to close the door on her way back in!

Самый хороший учитель в жизни — опыт.
Берет, правда, дорого, но объясняет доходчиво.

Если на женщине надета короткая юбка — то уже не важно, как она накрашена…

Если вы белая и пушистая — вам пора в солярий и на эпиляцию.

Настоящие мужчины при виде обнаженной женщины не краснеют, а бледнеют. Крови для лица не остается…

Каннибалы тоже считают, что люди созданы друг для друга.

Любовь — это состояние живого организма, заставляющее забыть о собственной заднице и думать о чужой.

Весь день не спишь, всю ночь не ешь, конечно устаешь.

Cлабый пол… сильнее сильного в силу слабости сильного пола к слабому.

Холостяк — это мужчина, котоpому удалось не найти жену.

Стpаховой агент — это человек, котоpый желает нам добpа после зла.

Опыт — это то, что получаешь, не получив того, что хотел.

Молитва — это наглость думать, что Бог делает что-то не так.

Мозг — это оpган, с помощью котоpого мы думаем, что мы думаем.

Интеллигент — это человек, думающий о людях лучше, чем они о нём.

Вежливость — это не только послать, но и пpоводить.