Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A fool with a tool is still a fool... but with a tool!

DOES ANYONE KNOW how many AIR FRESHENERS are necessary to get rid of the dead body smell out of a basement? 🤔 Asking for a friend.

BE CAREFUL: The best things in life will either make you fat, drunk, or pregnant...

Turned up at the box office and asked for two tickets. "For Romeo and Juliet?" "No, for me and my wife".

Дагестанские учёные открыли стрельбу в центре Москвы.

I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. - James R. F. Quirk, Portland, ME

I’m now fully environmentally friendly. All my vibrators are rechargeable

18 лет бывает только раз в жизни. А 81 год ещё реже.

I don’t hate you…I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.

I left school 40 years ago but I’m still angry at my classmates for voting me the pupil most likely to hold a grudge.

- ¿Te caíste?
-No, me tropecé con estilo.

The man who says that his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him!

MONEY > if it doesn't bring you happiness, it will at least help you be miserable in comfort...

My alone time is sometimes for YOUR safety.

I didn't scream out someone else's name during sex...I was just thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant!

What do you call ‘Die Hard’ without Alan Rickman?

Sans Gruber.

That awkward moment when you say "I love you" and they say "OK".

Хватит ныть. Куры живут на 50 руб в месяц и умудряются откладывать!

Old pussy is better than no pussy.

Michael Jackson Albums....
They're not all Bad.

Не можешь петь, не пей.

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is OK when their mouth is full.

I should have paid more attention in algebra class.
I have
2 X's and I don't know Y.

I saw a spider in my shoes, but they were way too big for it.

How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?

Why? Who wants to know?

So does that mean that being part of the human race does not count as exercise?

Не заводите женщину, не зная - есть ли у неё тормоза!

На рынке дефицит высококвалифицированных низкооплачеваемых кадров.

Jesus wasn't lying when he said he'll come again, he was standing.

HER: “How do you like my scratch biscuits?”
ME: “They’re great, I’m already itching for dessert…”

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Made a small gesture of appreciation towards my oven the other day. It was a micro wave.

Главное, ребята, перцем не стареть.

A guy at work claims he didnt steal the battery out of my calculator, but something just doesnt add up...

*Sexting over walkie talkies*
“Hell yeah baby bend over.”
“Bend what? Over.”

EVERYDAY IS A GIFT 🤔 and that's why they call it 'the present'...

Gene Simmons is writing a scandalous novel about his time in the band. It’s going to be a Kiss and tell book.

When I say "the other day" I could mean yesterday or 1994.

I went to join Liars Anonymous , but they gave me the wrong address .

Using VPN is great until the language change to Chinese.

“I never apologize… I’m sorry but that’s the way I am.”

Two croissants in an oven, one says, "It's hot in here". The other says, "Wow, a talking croissant..."

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but there is never a bad time for a cheeseburger.

Эвакуация - не эякуляция, можно и приостановить.

I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town!

Just got back from a reincarnation course, £600 for 3 days. Rather expensive I know, but I figured why not, you only live once.

Tried making a candlelit dinner but I think it would have cooked quicker in the oven.

I only went to the pub for 'Naked Happy Hour', but I stayed until clothing time.

Her lips said to stop ogling her body, but that’s not what har ass ment.

Tonite, I heard two women fight over me. They own the apartment above mine.

I remember being fed yeast and sitting in the oven. That's just how I was raised.

I wrote a novel about Wall Street traders. It was a work of speculative fiction.

I watched a sad film on the train. I found it really moving.

My Wife and I have two boys, 4 and 6.

I still wish we'd given them names instead of numbers.

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

Хороший асфальт на дороге не валяется.

Interviewer: Would you call yourself a hard worker?
Me: Absolutely. I make almost everything harder than it has to be.

—Buenas tardes, princesa. ¿Te puedo decir princesa, verdad?
—No.
—Ok, Buenas tardes, jefe ¿me deja ir a ver el mundial?

I was rude to an old man in a stupid wig this morning.

He had the last laugh though, he sentenced me to three years.

Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me…

Nothing worse than a speaker in an already long boring meeting saying "We'll get into that later."

You're the only person who's heard everything you've ever said.

I bought some batteries but they were not included, so I had to buy them again.

What job was the lobster hired for at Pizza Hut?

The crust station.

My passion for odd socks is unmatched.

Church sermons are mass produced.

A few years ago I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.

It was a flop.

I still remember my college days. (All four of them.)

What do you call a reindeer who can write with his left and his right hoof?
Bambidextorous.

The first rule of repetition club is: the first rule of repitition club.

someone: so what are your skills?

me: making bad decisions.

Some people take sleep so serious, they even buy pajamas.

Want: cuddles
Receives: struggles

Did you hear about the boy who slept with his head underneath his pillow?

When he woke up, the tooth fairy had taken all his teeth!

"Always believe in yourself. Do this and no matter where you are, you will have nothing to fear."

Hayao Miyazaki

Two wrongs don't make a right. But three lefts do.

You can imagine my disappointment after I ordered Rabbit soup and found a hare in it…

I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.

How does Santa organize his toy inventory?

He puts it in elfabetic order.

I am in love with my bed, but my alarm clock will not let us be together.