Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

У бедных тоже бывает аллергия на черную икру, просто они этого не знают.

My wife and I got along fine till we bought a water bed

It was then we started drifting apart.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Смех продлевает жизнь, но сокращает зарплату.

I don't use Listerine. They say it kills germs on contact and I don't like the idea of things dying in my mouth.

Pop singer Sade sands her wooden tool handles because she likes smooth apparatus.

I don't think, therefore I am not.

Guy: is my penis sexy?

Me: can I choose dare?

I didn't even have plans and you're still interrupting them.

Why do we kill people for killing people? To show them that killing is wrong?

A tennis player walks into a bar and starts serving.

I don't see why everybody wants the white iPhone, everyone knows the black one runs faster.

REALLY UPSET I lost my volume knob on my FAVORITE stereo.
I am REALLY hoping it will...turn up soon.

All the single men better not ask Santa for a good woman this year because I can't possibly be everywhere at once..lol

Got fired from my job at the bakery today..owner caught me loafing! Its a real killer..Cause I really kneaded the dough!

There are three types of people I can’t stand. Mean people, people who don’t finish what they’re saying,

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.

Do they have a Chinatown…in China?

Prefiero un amigo que me diga, "Hijo de puta", que un hijo de puta que me diga "Amigo".

My circle of friends is so small I've started talking to myself!

Whenever my boss says the word "commerce", we know he means buisness.

Friend: you’re obsessed with murder.
Me: I’m surprised you would choose those as your last words.

“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.”

Carl Gustav Jung

I don't know how to sugarcoat this, but...you have diabetes.

So I opened up a shop selling uncaged birds.
They just flew off the shelves!

Calling a woman crazy behind her back is penny slots; costs almost nothing and the potential payout is huge.

“No le hubiera hablado”

—Yo después de hablarle.

If you accidentally swallow a tool, it will more than likely be gut wrenching.

Молния! Компания Johnson и Johnson решила разделиться на две компании: Johnson и Johnson.

Bought some Chuck Norris toilet paper. Ended up returning it because it wouldn’t take crap from anyone.

I don't have a short temper, I just have a quick reaction to bullshit.

If someone asks me if I'm mad at them, it makes me wonder if I should be and I just don't know why yet.

Friends are like snowflakes...

If you pee on them they disappear

What do you call a mythical creature who loves the spotlight? The Centaur of Attention.

I hate peer pressure and so should you!

Did you hear about the over confident lion tamer? He was consumed by his own pride.

I don't have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem WITHOUT caffeine.

Tú haz lo posible y déjale a Dios lo imposible.

- Что вы можете сказать о героине романа?
- Роман честный наркодилер и героин у него что надо.

I don't hate school, I just hate the teachers, the homework, the tests and waking up in the morning!

What do you call a 100-year-old ant?

An antique.

Мазок мазку рознь!
Это я вам как врач художнику говорю.

Where's the best place to find out about Spider-Man? On the web.

I entered a competition to find the most considerate lover. I came second.

A fool with a tool is still a fool... but with a tool!

DOES ANYONE KNOW how many AIR FRESHENERS are necessary to get rid of the dead body smell out of a basement? 🤔 Asking for a friend.

BE CAREFUL: The best things in life will either make you fat, drunk, or pregnant...

Turned up at the box office and asked for two tickets. "For Romeo and Juliet?" "No, for me and my wife".

Дагестанские учёные открыли стрельбу в центре Москвы.

I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. - James R. F. Quirk, Portland, ME

I’m now fully environmentally friendly. All my vibrators are rechargeable

18 лет бывает только раз в жизни. А 81 год ещё реже.

I don’t hate you…I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.

I left school 40 years ago but I’m still angry at my classmates for voting me the pupil most likely to hold a grudge.

- ¿Te caíste?
-No, me tropecé con estilo.

The man who says that his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him!

MONEY > if it doesn't bring you happiness, it will at least help you be miserable in comfort...

My alone time is sometimes for YOUR safety.

I didn't scream out someone else's name during sex...I was just thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant!

What do you call ‘Die Hard’ without Alan Rickman?

Sans Gruber.

That awkward moment when you say "I love you" and they say "OK".

Хватит ныть. Куры живут на 50 руб в месяц и умудряются откладывать!

Old pussy is better than no pussy.

Michael Jackson Albums....
They're not all Bad.

Не можешь петь, не пей.

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is OK when their mouth is full.

I should have paid more attention in algebra class.
I have
2 X's and I don't know Y.

I saw a spider in my shoes, but they were way too big for it.

How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?

Why? Who wants to know?

So does that mean that being part of the human race does not count as exercise?

Не заводите женщину, не зная - есть ли у неё тормоза!

На рынке дефицит высококвалифицированных низкооплачеваемых кадров.

Jesus wasn't lying when he said he'll come again, he was standing.

HER: “How do you like my scratch biscuits?”
ME: “They’re great, I’m already itching for dessert…”

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Made a small gesture of appreciation towards my oven the other day. It was a micro wave.

Главное, ребята, перцем не стареть.

A guy at work claims he didnt steal the battery out of my calculator, but something just doesnt add up...

*Sexting over walkie talkies*
“Hell yeah baby bend over.”
“Bend what? Over.”

EVERYDAY IS A GIFT 🤔 and that's why they call it 'the present'...