Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

List of words containing "meow":
meow, meowed, meowing, meows, homeowner.

A man was found guilty of overusing commas. The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.

Chuck Norris is the only human alive that will out live Keith Richards.

I thought the local farmer was a magician when his tractor turned into a field.

I said to my wife,
“Did you hear my last pun?”
She replied,
“I hope so!”

О главных проблемах страны, как правило, поётся в её гимне.

I had a girlfriend that left me because I'm so arrogant. I told her to close the door on her way back in!

Самый хороший учитель в жизни — опыт.
Берет, правда, дорого, но объясняет доходчиво.

Если на женщине надета короткая юбка — то уже не важно, как она накрашена…

Если вы белая и пушистая — вам пора в солярий и на эпиляцию.

Настоящие мужчины при виде обнаженной женщины не краснеют, а бледнеют. Крови для лица не остается…

Каннибалы тоже считают, что люди созданы друг для друга.

Любовь — это состояние живого организма, заставляющее забыть о собственной заднице и думать о чужой.

Весь день не спишь, всю ночь не ешь, конечно устаешь.

Cлабый пол… сильнее сильного в силу слабости сильного пола к слабому.

Холостяк — это мужчина, котоpому удалось не найти жену.

Стpаховой агент — это человек, котоpый желает нам добpа после зла.

Опыт — это то, что получаешь, не получив того, что хотел.

Молитва — это наглость думать, что Бог делает что-то не так.

Мозг — это оpган, с помощью котоpого мы думаем, что мы думаем.

Интеллигент — это человек, думающий о людях лучше, чем они о нём.

Вежливость — это не только послать, но и пpоводить.

Брелок — это то, что позволяет потерять все ключи oдновременно.

— Милый, где деньги?
— Украли.
— У какой крали?

I asked my Doctor what I should do about my poor memory.
He said: Just forget about it.

A nap a day keeps the responsibilities away.

Happiness is a warm gun.
-The Beatles.

“I once visited a bookmakers in the Himalayas."

"Tibet?"

"Why else would I go?”

"I was in a play called breakfast in bed once". "Did you have a big role?" "No, just toast with a bit of butter".

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality comes from morons?!

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”
– Dale Carnegie

Настоящий интеллигент - это человек, много думающий о том, что его совершенно не касается.

Five Keys To Workplace Success:

1. Blame
2. Coworkers
3. For
4. Your
5. Mistakes

Why did the Mexican tie his wife to the railway track?

Tequila.

Dear Girls,
We like your brains, not your body.

Sincerely,
Beloved

Political correctness has gone absolutely bonkers.
My mate Guy Chapman has had to change his name to Person Personperson.

Australians don't have sex, Australians mate.

Что у сотрудника на уме, то у уволенного на языке.

Nothing humbles me quicker than when I accidentally walk into a doorframe.

If I were friends with a meteorologist I would tell them there's a 100% chance I'll be somewhere and then I wouldn't show up.

A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce dangling from his rectum. That looks nasty, says the doctor. Nasty? the man says. Thats just the tip of the iceberg.

Ты можешь прожить долгую, славную жизнь, но количество людей на твоих похоронах будет зависеть от погоды.

How does a nonbinary samurai kill people?

They slash them.

How much memory does a mountain goat have?

About 4 legs of RAM.

Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.

It feels good to be lost in the right direction.- Anonymous

Возвращается муж из командировки, заглядывает в шкаф, вытягивает от туда любовника и кричит:
— Нет её тут, год как развёлся я!

How is it possible to go without sleep for seven days and not be tired?

You sleep at night!

“¿Te acuerdas cuando fuimos a Las Vegas? Ah no, estabas muy chiquito”

—Mis papás fingiendo que no somos pobres.

У бедных тоже бывает аллергия на черную икру, просто они этого не знают.

My wife and I got along fine till we bought a water bed

It was then we started drifting apart.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Смех продлевает жизнь, но сокращает зарплату.

I don't use Listerine. They say it kills germs on contact and I don't like the idea of things dying in my mouth.

Pop singer Sade sands her wooden tool handles because she likes smooth apparatus.

I don't think, therefore I am not.

Guy: is my penis sexy?

Me: can I choose dare?

I didn't even have plans and you're still interrupting them.

Why do we kill people for killing people? To show them that killing is wrong?

A tennis player walks into a bar and starts serving.

I don't see why everybody wants the white iPhone, everyone knows the black one runs faster.

REALLY UPSET I lost my volume knob on my FAVORITE stereo.
I am REALLY hoping it will...turn up soon.

All the single men better not ask Santa for a good woman this year because I can't possibly be everywhere at once..lol

Got fired from my job at the bakery today..owner caught me loafing! Its a real killer..Cause I really kneaded the dough!

There are three types of people I can’t stand. Mean people, people who don’t finish what they’re saying,

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.

Do they have a Chinatown…in China?

Prefiero un amigo que me diga, "Hijo de puta", que un hijo de puta que me diga "Amigo".

My circle of friends is so small I've started talking to myself!

Whenever my boss says the word "commerce", we know he means buisness.

Friend: you’re obsessed with murder.
Me: I’m surprised you would choose those as your last words.

“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.”

Carl Gustav Jung

I don't know how to sugarcoat this, but...you have diabetes.

So I opened up a shop selling uncaged birds.
They just flew off the shelves!

Calling a woman crazy behind her back is penny slots; costs almost nothing and the potential payout is huge.

“No le hubiera hablado”

—Yo después de hablarle.

If you accidentally swallow a tool, it will more than likely be gut wrenching.

Молния! Компания Johnson и Johnson решила разделиться на две компании: Johnson и Johnson.

Bought some Chuck Norris toilet paper. Ended up returning it because it wouldn’t take crap from anyone.

I don't have a short temper, I just have a quick reaction to bullshit.