Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Gene Simmons is writing a scandalous novel about his time in the band. It’s going to be a Kiss and tell book.

When I say "the other day" I could mean yesterday or 1994.

I went to join Liars Anonymous , but they gave me the wrong address .

Using VPN is great until the language change to Chinese.

“I never apologize… I’m sorry but that’s the way I am.”

Two croissants in an oven, one says, "It's hot in here". The other says, "Wow, a talking croissant..."

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but there is never a bad time for a cheeseburger.

Эвакуация - не эякуляция, можно и приостановить.

I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town!

Just got back from a reincarnation course, £600 for 3 days. Rather expensive I know, but I figured why not, you only live once.

Tried making a candlelit dinner but I think it would have cooked quicker in the oven.

I only went to the pub for 'Naked Happy Hour', but I stayed until clothing time.

Her lips said to stop ogling her body, but that’s not what har ass ment.

Tonite, I heard two women fight over me. They own the apartment above mine.

I remember being fed yeast and sitting in the oven. That's just how I was raised.

I wrote a novel about Wall Street traders. It was a work of speculative fiction.

I watched a sad film on the train. I found it really moving.

My Wife and I have two boys, 4 and 6.

I still wish we'd given them names instead of numbers.

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

Хороший асфальт на дороге не валяется.

Interviewer: Would you call yourself a hard worker?
Me: Absolutely. I make almost everything harder than it has to be.

—Buenas tardes, princesa. ¿Te puedo decir princesa, verdad?
—No.
—Ok, Buenas tardes, jefe ¿me deja ir a ver el mundial?

I was rude to an old man in a stupid wig this morning.

He had the last laugh though, he sentenced me to three years.

Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me…

Nothing worse than a speaker in an already long boring meeting saying "We'll get into that later."

You're the only person who's heard everything you've ever said.

I bought some batteries but they were not included, so I had to buy them again.

What job was the lobster hired for at Pizza Hut?

The crust station.

My passion for odd socks is unmatched.

Church sermons are mass produced.

A few years ago I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.

It was a flop.

I still remember my college days. (All four of them.)

What do you call a reindeer who can write with his left and his right hoof?
Bambidextorous.

The first rule of repetition club is: the first rule of repitition club.

someone: so what are your skills?

me: making bad decisions.

Some people take sleep so serious, they even buy pajamas.

Want: cuddles
Receives: struggles

Did you hear about the boy who slept with his head underneath his pillow?

When he woke up, the tooth fairy had taken all his teeth!

"Always believe in yourself. Do this and no matter where you are, you will have nothing to fear."

Hayao Miyazaki

Two wrongs don't make a right. But three lefts do.

You can imagine my disappointment after I ordered Rabbit soup and found a hare in it…

I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.

How does Santa organize his toy inventory?

He puts it in elfabetic order.

I am in love with my bed, but my alarm clock will not let us be together.

I never make stupid mistakes... only very clever ones.

I am so bored of being bored because being bored is really boring.

I took my dog to the park today and played frisbee with him...he was useless...I think I need a flatter dog...

My ventriloquist dummy has left me after 25 years .

It was a complete golt out of the glue.

I don't like partying with sober people, the next day they remember everything!!!

"Everything comes in time to him who knows how to wait...
The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience."
By Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

Если ничего не потеряно, то где оно ?!

—¿Por qué no maduras?

—¿Pir quí ni midiris?

If you hold the Unix shell up to your ear...
You hear the C.

MARRIAGE is all about give and take. So, you’d better give it to her or she’ll take it!

Went to a restaurant and asked the waitress if she had frog legs . She said yes. I said well hop on over there and get me a cheeseburger!

The difference between infatuation and obsession is stalking.

I am not immature. I just know how to have fun.

- У "Армянского Радио" спросили - "Почему джентльмены не трахают кривоногих ?"
- Настоящий Джентльмен никогда не вставляет палки в колёса.

To all men, if you take your girl to a Chinese restaurant, whatever they order will let you know the outcome of the date. If she orders WON TON, it means NOT NOW!!!

I’ve just been to a pub called The Goalkeepers Arms. What a dive!

I don't know who needs to know this but even though a duck has NO utilities, he still has a bill.

I was meant to be rich, I can tell by the way I spend money.

My Grandad volunteers for the Royal British Legion.
He lost his tongue in WW2, but he never talks about it.

Meetings should have a button you can secretly press and if everyone presses the button the meeting suddenly ends.

Knock Knock
Who there?
Cowsgo
Cows go who?
No they don’t
Cows go moo
Owls go who

Heinz is making a new season salt. The winter salt is not great, but you will flip when you taste their summer salt.

One of my sons is a red head. He works at a bakery making buns, rolls, and breads. When people ask him what he does, he replies, “I’m a gingerbread man.”

Si vas a publicar tus problemas en la redes, también publica si los resolviste, porque uno se queda preocupado.

Me: "I'm still tired from all the crossfit this morning."
My co-worker: "It's pronounced 'croissant' and you ate 4 of them."

Remember Red Red Wine?

UB40 ish by now.

В обычной корейской семье после ужина собака спит без задних ног.

9 months isn’t really that long. It just feels like a maternity.

Герои нужны там, где не хватает профессионалов.

I don't mind saying my age because I'm still pretty, still sharp, and if you disagree I can hit you with my walking stick.

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.

I’ve been appointed Gary Barlow’s personal chiropractor on a lifetime contract!
I’ve got his back for good!

Господи, ну почему среди дураков так мало ленивых?

Gonna start saying “duck it” in real life so the autocorrect bugs me less.

My fish friend has fallen head over eels in love…

Чем глупее человек, тем чаще он пытается доказать остальным обратное.