Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Брелок — это то, что позволяет потерять все ключи oдновременно.

— Милый, где деньги?
— Украли.
— У какой крали?

I asked my Doctor what I should do about my poor memory.
He said: Just forget about it.

A nap a day keeps the responsibilities away.

Happiness is a warm gun.
-The Beatles.

“I once visited a bookmakers in the Himalayas."

"Tibet?"

"Why else would I go?”

"I was in a play called breakfast in bed once". "Did you have a big role?" "No, just toast with a bit of butter".

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality comes from morons?!

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”
– Dale Carnegie

Настоящий интеллигент - это человек, много думающий о том, что его совершенно не касается.

Five Keys To Workplace Success:

1. Blame
2. Coworkers
3. For
4. Your
5. Mistakes

Why did the Mexican tie his wife to the railway track?

Tequila.

Dear Girls,
We like your brains, not your body.

Sincerely,
Beloved

Political correctness has gone absolutely bonkers.
My mate Guy Chapman has had to change his name to Person Personperson.

Australians don't have sex, Australians mate.

Что у сотрудника на уме, то у уволенного на языке.

Nothing humbles me quicker than when I accidentally walk into a doorframe.

If I were friends with a meteorologist I would tell them there's a 100% chance I'll be somewhere and then I wouldn't show up.

A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce dangling from his rectum. That looks nasty, says the doctor. Nasty? the man says. Thats just the tip of the iceberg.

Ты можешь прожить долгую, славную жизнь, но количество людей на твоих похоронах будет зависеть от погоды.

How does a nonbinary samurai kill people?

They slash them.

How much memory does a mountain goat have?

About 4 legs of RAM.

Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.

It feels good to be lost in the right direction.- Anonymous

Возвращается муж из командировки, заглядывает в шкаф, вытягивает от туда любовника и кричит:
— Нет её тут, год как развёлся я!

How is it possible to go without sleep for seven days and not be tired?

You sleep at night!

“¿Te acuerdas cuando fuimos a Las Vegas? Ah no, estabas muy chiquito”

—Mis papás fingiendo que no somos pobres.

У бедных тоже бывает аллергия на черную икру, просто они этого не знают.

My wife and I got along fine till we bought a water bed

It was then we started drifting apart.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Смех продлевает жизнь, но сокращает зарплату.

I don't use Listerine. They say it kills germs on contact and I don't like the idea of things dying in my mouth.

Pop singer Sade sands her wooden tool handles because she likes smooth apparatus.

I don't think, therefore I am not.

Guy: is my penis sexy?

Me: can I choose dare?

I didn't even have plans and you're still interrupting them.

Why do we kill people for killing people? To show them that killing is wrong?

A tennis player walks into a bar and starts serving.

I don't see why everybody wants the white iPhone, everyone knows the black one runs faster.

REALLY UPSET I lost my volume knob on my FAVORITE stereo.
I am REALLY hoping it will...turn up soon.

All the single men better not ask Santa for a good woman this year because I can't possibly be everywhere at once..lol

Got fired from my job at the bakery today..owner caught me loafing! Its a real killer..Cause I really kneaded the dough!

There are three types of people I can’t stand. Mean people, people who don’t finish what they’re saying,

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.

Do they have a Chinatown…in China?

Prefiero un amigo que me diga, "Hijo de puta", que un hijo de puta que me diga "Amigo".

My circle of friends is so small I've started talking to myself!

Whenever my boss says the word "commerce", we know he means buisness.

Friend: you’re obsessed with murder.
Me: I’m surprised you would choose those as your last words.

“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.”

Carl Gustav Jung

I don't know how to sugarcoat this, but...you have diabetes.

So I opened up a shop selling uncaged birds.
They just flew off the shelves!

Calling a woman crazy behind her back is penny slots; costs almost nothing and the potential payout is huge.

“No le hubiera hablado”

—Yo después de hablarle.

If you accidentally swallow a tool, it will more than likely be gut wrenching.

Молния! Компания Johnson и Johnson решила разделиться на две компании: Johnson и Johnson.

Bought some Chuck Norris toilet paper. Ended up returning it because it wouldn’t take crap from anyone.

I don't have a short temper, I just have a quick reaction to bullshit.

If someone asks me if I'm mad at them, it makes me wonder if I should be and I just don't know why yet.

Friends are like snowflakes...

If you pee on them they disappear

What do you call a mythical creature who loves the spotlight? The Centaur of Attention.

I hate peer pressure and so should you!

Did you hear about the over confident lion tamer? He was consumed by his own pride.

I don't have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem WITHOUT caffeine.

Tú haz lo posible y déjale a Dios lo imposible.

- Что вы можете сказать о героине романа?
- Роман честный наркодилер и героин у него что надо.

I don't hate school, I just hate the teachers, the homework, the tests and waking up in the morning!

What do you call a 100-year-old ant?

An antique.

Мазок мазку рознь!
Это я вам как врач художнику говорю.

Where's the best place to find out about Spider-Man? On the web.

I entered a competition to find the most considerate lover. I came second.

A fool with a tool is still a fool... but with a tool!

DOES ANYONE KNOW how many AIR FRESHENERS are necessary to get rid of the dead body smell out of a basement? 🤔 Asking for a friend.

BE CAREFUL: The best things in life will either make you fat, drunk, or pregnant...

Turned up at the box office and asked for two tickets. "For Romeo and Juliet?" "No, for me and my wife".

Дагестанские учёные открыли стрельбу в центре Москвы.

I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. - James R. F. Quirk, Portland, ME

I’m now fully environmentally friendly. All my vibrators are rechargeable

18 лет бывает только раз в жизни. А 81 год ещё реже.

I don’t hate you…I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.