Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I never make stupid mistakes... only very clever ones.

I am so bored of being bored because being bored is really boring.

I took my dog to the park today and played frisbee with him...he was useless...I think I need a flatter dog...

My ventriloquist dummy has left me after 25 years .

It was a complete golt out of the glue.

I don't like partying with sober people, the next day they remember everything!!!

"Everything comes in time to him who knows how to wait...
The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience."
By Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

Если ничего не потеряно, то где оно ?!

—¿Por qué no maduras?

—¿Pir quí ni midiris?

If you hold the Unix shell up to your ear...
You hear the C.

MARRIAGE is all about give and take. So, you’d better give it to her or she’ll take it!

Went to a restaurant and asked the waitress if she had frog legs . She said yes. I said well hop on over there and get me a cheeseburger!

The difference between infatuation and obsession is stalking.

I am not immature. I just know how to have fun.

- У "Армянского Радио" спросили - "Почему джентльмены не трахают кривоногих ?"
- Настоящий Джентльмен никогда не вставляет палки в колёса.

To all men, if you take your girl to a Chinese restaurant, whatever they order will let you know the outcome of the date. If she orders WON TON, it means NOT NOW!!!

I’ve just been to a pub called The Goalkeepers Arms. What a dive!

I don't know who needs to know this but even though a duck has NO utilities, he still has a bill.

I was meant to be rich, I can tell by the way I spend money.

My Grandad volunteers for the Royal British Legion.
He lost his tongue in WW2, but he never talks about it.

Meetings should have a button you can secretly press and if everyone presses the button the meeting suddenly ends.

Knock Knock
Who there?
Cowsgo
Cows go who?
No they don’t
Cows go moo
Owls go who

Heinz is making a new season salt. The winter salt is not great, but you will flip when you taste their summer salt.

One of my sons is a red head. He works at a bakery making buns, rolls, and breads. When people ask him what he does, he replies, “I’m a gingerbread man.”

Si vas a publicar tus problemas en la redes, también publica si los resolviste, porque uno se queda preocupado.

Me: "I'm still tired from all the crossfit this morning."
My co-worker: "It's pronounced 'croissant' and you ate 4 of them."

Remember Red Red Wine?

UB40 ish by now.

В обычной корейской семье после ужина собака спит без задних ног.

9 months isn’t really that long. It just feels like a maternity.

Герои нужны там, где не хватает профессионалов.

I don't mind saying my age because I'm still pretty, still sharp, and if you disagree I can hit you with my walking stick.

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.

I’ve been appointed Gary Barlow’s personal chiropractor on a lifetime contract!
I’ve got his back for good!

Господи, ну почему среди дураков так мало ленивых?

Gonna start saying “duck it” in real life so the autocorrect bugs me less.

My fish friend has fallen head over eels in love…

Чем глупее человек, тем чаще он пытается доказать остальным обратное.

My girlfriend and I complement each other perfectly. I like to travel, and she doesn’t want me around.

- Дрочишь?
- А можно мне другого переписчика!?

I've only just learnt that Phil Collins isn’t his real name.
It’s a Sussudonym.

Ya know, undertakers are the most reliable people in the world -
they're the last ones to let you down.

Don't let your thinking be useless.
It's ignorant.
- Andrey Bratus

Для женщины существуют 3 вида секса. Если Выдумаете, что это "классика", "орал" и "анал", то Вы - ошибаетесь. Это: из жалости, в благодарность и по любви.

– Ты смотрел фильм "7 психопатов"?
– Он про психопатов?
– Да. Теперь угадай про скольких.

Everyone lives behind a bar they carry with them.

-Honey! I broke a glass in the kitchen!
-I am coming with the broom.
-It ain't urgent. You can come on foot.

Was going to tell a quick bra joke...
...however I'm strapped for time.

What did the leaning tower say to Big Ben. “If you have the time,I have the inclination

“Owww! I broke my big toe!”
“Do you need an ambulance?”
“No, just call a toe truck.”

Whenever I see five toes, I know something is a foot.

I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.

My mate suggested we go to a fancy dress party as a pheasant and a grouse.

Well I’m game if he is !

Whoever said that getting married was the happiest day of their life, obviously hasn’t had 2 candy bars fall down at the same time in the vending machine.

I say "MORNING" instead of "GOOD MORNING" because if it was a "good" morning I'd still be in my bed and not talking to people!

I'm just pondering: Did Noah's ark have flood lights?

You weren’t born to spend more time with your boss than with your family.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Why did Cleopatra bathe in milk? She couldn’t find a cow tall enough to have a shower.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Chuck Norris once flew around the world;

On a kite.

I hate when I’m trying to eat a salad and it accidentally falls in the trash and then I have to eat pizza instead.

Owning an electric car is a re-volting
experience.

My inbox is full of penis enlargement emails. I've asked my wife to stop sending them.

I would like to tell my kids a joke about airplanes.
But I'm afraid it would go right over their head.

- Еврейская свадьба Подходит жених к ребе: И сколько я вам должен за церемонию?
- Ребе: Лично мне ничего... Но, если так хотите, пожертвуйте столько денег, во сколько вы оцениваете красоту вашей жены.
- Жених подумал и достал из кармана один шекель. Ребе осторожно заглянул
под фату, вздохнул и достал сдачу.

During a medical examination my doctor said mercury is in uranus right now. I said I'm not into that astrology stuff. He said nor am I. My thermometer just broke.

Do sharks know they have bad-ass entrance music?

Chuck Norris can cook 2 minute noodles in...
1 minute!!!

For Christmas I'm getting my girlfriend a wooden leg...
It's not her main present.... just a stocking filler.

Police are hunting a mad woman known as the "knitting needle killer". She's killed 8 people so far. Police think she's following a pattern...

ОБОЗВАЛИ ТОЛСТОЙ? СОЖРИ ИХ!!!

Horror movies don't scare me. But eight missed calls from my mom does.

I said to my local Baker "I would like a Sweet Pastry please'
He said "Danish"
I said "Oh Sorry, Jeg vil gerne have et sødt kager venligst"

Honesty is like an icicle; once it melts, that's the end of it.

Customer: “Waiter, I’m in a bit of a hurry. Will my pancakes be long?”
Waiter: “No sir, round.”

При открывании шампанского зубами первое, что приходит в голову, это пробка.

The ability to live happily without women is incredibly attractive to them.

"Just say NO to drugs!"
Well, If I'm talking to my drugs,
I probably already said yes.

My feather pillow exploded last night....I am feeling a little down today.

Someday when scientists discover the center of the universe, a lot of people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

-¡Sal de mi vida!
-¡Pimienta de mi corazón!