Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Watching Porn.
I hope they stay together.

"You want to be rich and anonymous, not poor and famous."

"The problem with genius is that you have to tolerate madness."

Ikea meatballs are made from the meat of people who cant find their way out of the store.

Why isn't suntanning an Olympic sport?

Because the best you can ever get is bronze.

There’s no fair elections anywhere in the world now. It’s all a scam.

My wife and I had sex in Chernobyl.

9 months later we became a nuclear family.

Programming feels like you're just one tutorial away from knowing everything.

Everyone knows that curing cancer isn't as profitable as treating it.

They don't want to ban guns. They want a monopoly on them.

Adapt or die.

It’s hard to have a heart attack if you don’t have a heart.

Over-medicated and under-educated is exactly how they want us.

Teach us to realize the brevity of life so that we may grow in wisdom.
Psalm 90:12

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.
- Proverbs 16:9

Lazy rule: Can't reach it? Don't need it.

Women, children and cats are loved unconditionally.
Men and dogs are loved on condition that they provide something.

Be careful about online scams folks.
I ordered some expensive jewelry for my wife, and they sent me a new set of golf clubs.

Be selfish, fill your cup first and then you can be selfless and pour into others.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
- John 1:1

I asked my dog "what's seven minus seven?"

He said nothing.

The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

Psalm 23:1

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
– John 8:32

My wife’s leaving me because she thinks I’m obsessed with astronomy.

What planet is she on?

My grammar is not that bad.
Also my grandpa.

Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Jesus did.
- 1 John 2:6

All angels are ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation.
Hebrews 1:14

You are the CEO of your life. Hire, fire, and promote accordingly.

You're being judged no matter what, so be who you want to be.

What's the difference between Calculus and sex? Math nerds get Calculus.

Fake it until you make it.

I still have the memory of an elephant.

It was at the zoo.

Once you’re a parent, all plans you make are just tentative until they’re happening

"No man in his senses can hesitate in choosing to be free, rather than a slave."
~ Alexander Hamilton, 1774

You can tell a lot about a village by its idiot.

How do you tell if a vampire is sick?

By how much he is coffin.

Religion is the tool invented by the powerful to control the stupid.

I always list 911 as my emergency contact number. I hear they're the best!

Getting older means everything's too loud and also not loud enough.

My addiction to buying things I don’t need started at the Scholastic book fair.

That awkward moment when someone tries to correct you on something you clearly know more about.

Peaceful doesn't mean weak.

I have a tofu joke, but it's tasteless.

This morning I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop.

I must have a chess infection.

Every time I avoid eating Halloween candy I reward myself by eating Halloween candy.

Kinky as fuck and proud of it

You don't have to drive me crazy, I'm close enough to walk.

A wise man never reacts.

Every socialist is a disguised dictator.

Remember, it's illegal to expose the illegal things the government does.

Why did the house go to the doctor?

It was having window panes.

In science, a failed experiment is nothing but a new direction.

I asked her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

She slapped me and stormed off!

Anyway, I don't recommend wine tastings as a first date, it really seems to bother some girls for some reason.

The biggest scam in life is paying taxes on the money we make, paying taxes on money we spend, and taxes on things we own, that we already paid taxes on, with already taxed money.

You never too old to eat pussy.

My son's fourth birthday was today, but when he came to see me I didn't recognize him at first.

I'd never seen him be 4.

Expect nothing and you will receive it in abundance.

I'm not saying I drink too much caffeine, but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death....

Mary : i’m pregnant

Joseph : but we’ve never had sex??

Mary : you’re not gonna believe this..

The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.

Science is the organized skepticism in the reliability of expert opinion.

Dressing as cocaine this Halloween so someone will do me in the bathroom.

Direction is more important than speed.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SEX YOU PAY FOR AND SEX FOR FREE IS SEX YOU PAY FOR IS CHEAPER.

"Americans live in a world of pseudo-facts, which is created for them by their own media."
~ Professor Daniel Boorstin (Librarian of Congress, 1975-1987)

Being sober is bad for your faith in humanity.

Just remembered National Amnesia Day was yesterday.

I met my wife at a local chess tournament.

She made the first move.

Buying a digital camera is a positive thing.

There are no negatives.

I saw a Pakistani filling up his car at the garage.

He squeezed seven adults and fourteen children in.

If you want someone to think about you all day, wave at people you don’t know.

I never give up but I do take lots of breaks.

My sexual preference is often.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

- Robert Frost

If drinking and driving is illegal why are there parking lots at bars?

Things don't happen. Things are made to happen.

Find someone who understands your silence.

Just be real, it saves everyone’s time.

“Neither should a ship rely on one small anchor, nor should life rest on a single hope.”

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.