Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight."

"If you need to memorize it, then you didn't understand it."

I meant to behave but there were just so many options.

"No regrets in life. Just lessons learned."

People say I have no will power.

But I’ve quit smoking loads of times.

“Engineering is the closest thing to magic that exists in the world.”

— Elon Musk

No matter what product it is, "100% Natural" does NOT also mean GMO-free.

Soñar es gratis pero porque todavía no saben cómo monetizarlo.

The hardest thing about carving a pumpkin these days is finding a newspaper to spread out on the table.

“If there is a God, He will have to beg for my forgiveness”

-- found on the walls of a concentration camp after 1941

By doing what everyone else does, you guarantee average results.

If you’re so smart, why aren’t you happy?

В древности, люди, не зная о существовании евреев, все свои несчастья списывали на нечистую силу.

Your brain is your biological personal computer. Make sure you're the only one programming it.

What's the opposite of irony?

Wrinkly.

I asked the librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

We are the unorganized truth, fighting an organized lie.

Q: What’s the difference between the diameter and the radius?
A: The radius.

Your mind is your greatest weapon, your thoughts are the highest form of resistance.

If you diet, invest, and think according to what the "news" advocates, you'll end up nutritionally, financially, and morally bankrupt.

What’s the difference between a simple person and a pizza?

One is easy to cheat, the other is cheesy to eat.

My girlfriend complains a lot that I don't smile anymore.

Well she's the one who wanted a serious relationship.

Tablets were replaced by scrolls. Scrolls were replaced by books.

Now we scroll through books on tablets.

The government hates us all. Especially people that speak the truth.

If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.

The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.

My wife said she wanted me to put the magic back into our relationship.

I don't think sawing her in half was quite what she had in mind.

The man who treats his woman as a queen is deserved to live as a king.

What did the SQL query ask the tables in the bar?

Can I JOIN you?

Doctor, I think Im a moth.

It's not a doctor you need, it's a psychiatrist.

I was on my way there when I saw your light on!

Does anyone know a cure for excessive ear wax?

If you do, please give me a shout.

Why are people called gold diggers when we could call them dough nuts?

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0

“Gratitude is the wine of the soul. Go on. Get drunk!”
— Rumi

I remember when I was young and full of hope. I think it was a Tuesday.

Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?"

Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, err yeah, up to a point."

What’s big and white and can’t climb trees?

A fridge.

I have a political science joke but it’s not politically correct.

Just say LOL and move on.

Be selfish with your time. A lot of people and actions don't deserve it.

I like my men like I like my coffee. Hot and in the palm of hands.

Learn math, kids. Speaking the language of nature is the ultimate superpower.

Old problems have old solutions.

I have a statistics joke but its not significant.

My girlfriend said she needs some time and distance.

Is she calculating speed?

My girlfriend said she needs some time and distance.

Is she calculating speed?

Know what ya get when ya throw a lot of books in the ocean?

A title wave!

I like the way my British friend calls it a car park. It means a lot to me.

"You are strong only where you were broken."

What do you call a flirty philosoper?

A socra-tease...

When you argue with a fool, you always lose.

I've decided to become an assassin.

I heard they make a killing.

You need to focus on just 3 Fs:

Freedom, Fitness, and Family.

Rest everything is a noise in your life.

Your love life is like Sudoku. Very complicated, with no hope of solving it.

I’d call her a cunt, but she lacks the depth and warmth.

Stop cheating on your future with your past. It's over.

DSA (Data Structures and Algorithms) is the leading cause of DSA (Depression, Stress and Anxiety).

“You must be prepared to work always without applause.”

— Ernest Hemingway

No matter who you vote for, the rich stay rich, the poor stay poor and the bombs never stop.

Of course I can read Polish, I just don't know what the words mean.

Levi Strauss was a jeanius.

My favorite breed of dog is a cat.

Writing "etc" on a test because you don't remember any more examples.

Love sucks ! ......true love swallows .

Leibniz be like: when life gives you lemons, make le monad.

How do you comfort a JavaScript bug?

You console it.

Why does everyone laugh when I ask who recorded 'Take on me'?

Invest in yourself because you’re worth it.

Customer: Your menu says jerk chicken, but this is just plain chicken.

Me: Trust me, that chicken was an asshole.

"You don't have to be brilliant, only a little bit wiser than the other guys, on average, for a long, long time."

– Charlie Munger

if your code works on the first try wake up you're dreaming.

Learning to code and design changed my life.

Now I don't have one.

Stay calm in every storm.

Risk is better than regret.

Ways to disassociate from the system:

1. Avoid fast food restaurants and chain restaurants.
2. Learn to cook. Make meals from scratch.
3. Shop at local farmer's markets. Or grow your own.
4. Use natural remedies instead of pharmaceuticals
5. Homeschool
6. Install Linux

Birthdays are funeral rehearsals with cake.

“The wise man does immediately what the fool does eventually.”

-Machiavelli

Взяв кредит в банке, первым делом купите себе красивые трусы возможно, только в них вы и останетесь.

Don't minimize costs - maximize revenues.

The government is a huge Mafia that launders your tax money right back to themselves through foreign aid and endless wars.