Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Лень - это избыток адекватности в ущерб полезности.

Password is: ‘sunburnthead’
No caps.

Вся проблема в том, что жизнь идет по спирали, а нам все до лампочки.

— Какие планы на вечер?
— Пока никаких. А какие есть предложения?
— Сложносочинённые и сложноподчинённые.

When the two digging machines got a divorce, they became excavators.

I was in Starbucks today and ordered a coffee and the barista asked I’d like a little room for milk. I said I already have a little room for milk. It’s called a fridge.

В каждой женщине живет стриптизёрша. Главное - смешать напитки в правильной пропорции.

My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today.
I learned a lot.
For example, apparently I have two kids.

Any time someone is hot and you're too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they've probably had diarrhea at some point.

—¿Qué tan drogado está usted?
—Oficial, en primera, bájese de mi unicornio.

У Антона не было денег, и поэтому стриптизерше в трусы он просто крикнул спасибо.

Все люди глупые. Но понимают это только умные.

My wife said she wanted to play house. I told her I want to be Hugh Laurie.

What's the perfect amount of time to microwave your popcorn?

I can't tell you, it's pop secret.

My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my A/C bill is.
I told him, “My door is always open”.

Do you know what animal has the dirtiest most cussing mouth in the world?
A bird, they have fowl language!

I might be annoying but once u get to know me I am even worse.

My wife refused to set foot on a nude beach,
She so clothes minded!

Why don't fish skip school? They might get caught.

....dropped Viagra on my wrist watch & now I’m having a hard time.

I once knew what mean, median and mode meant. Now I get mean and in a bad mode if I can't even define median.

I really like eating sardines, anchovies and smelt. Guess I'm not a big fish eater.

I thought the lecture on Tectonic Plates was very moving.

Al Pacino is set to appear in a new film about a man who wins the World Knitting Championship…
‘Scarf Ace'

The FDA wanted to pull a new memory drug off the market when they found it couldn’t be recalled.

The IRS has made a major announcement. All Cannabis dealers must file a joint tax return.

What did the scientists think when they found bones on the moon?
The cow didn't make it.

How does a mouse save another mouse from drowning ? With mouse-to-mouse resuscitation .

My friend Art has a son who never married.
We refer to him as, 'Bachelor of Art's'

Two spiders got married and bought their first home.
I was so happy for the newlywebs.

A guy published a book on how to create the ultimate basement.
He hopes it will be a best cellar.

A C major scale walks into a bar and orders a drink
The bartender said "No, you're a minor"

Wanna hear my joke about
trouser belts? Buckle up!

I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night. My dreams have never been clearer.

Чем отличается старший прапорщик от прапорщика?
Прапорщик ворует у всех. Старший прапорщик ворует у всех, включая прапорщиков.

Сын Клоуна спрашивает Папу Клоуна:
- Папа, ты, когда вырастешь - кем станешь?

Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.

What is the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum man?
One stops the bad guys and the other just foils their plans.

What did they call Postman Pat after he retired?
Pat.

Любовь слепа – ночует и днем.

Painted half of my face like a clown today and went for a drive. Not sure everyone saw the funny side.

Отвёртка многим шурупам вскружила голову. И лишь некоторым удалось отвертеться.

I set up a chain of businesses in Paris...they became frenchised.

I was at a watchmakers meeting.
I was the one taking the minutes.

Making a boat out of stone would be a hardship.

Мужик принёс на анализ ведро мочи.
Лаборант: — Вы бы ещё ведро кала принесли!
Мужик радостно: — Вот, как знал.

Мне ничего не стоит победить собственную лень. Просто побеждать лень.

I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.

If you ever come over unannounced, it'll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.

Если ошибку можно исправить - значит, ты еще не ошибся.

I’ve been living in a drought-stricken region. My punny friends sent me a get-well-soon card!

— Дорогой, что ты любишь во мне больше: лицо или туловище?
— Душу.
— Почему?
— Её не видно.

Once I almost dated a psychic girl, but she left me before we even met!

Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.

I do my best proofreading after I hit 'send'.

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.

One man wanted stalls installed in his barn. He said he pay in installments!

My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.

My wife wants me to blow air on her whenever she overheats, but honestly...
... I'm not a fan.

"We are all born mad. Some remain so."
--- Samuel Beckett

How do you lose pounds without exercise and diet?

Fly to the UK

Get your money changed

Spend your money.

Не читать сообщение от человека, чтобы не забыть ему ответить - все еще лучший способ планирования задач в мире.

Цыганка нагадала Сергею два года без секса, но парень не растерялся и тут же доказал ей, что она шарлатанка.

- Олег, я ушла к гинекологу!
- Давай, Леночка, покажи им там всем!

When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.

The only place in the golf club where someone will not comment about altering your grip.

Toilet.

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
"You're too young to smoke."

I bet Matt Damon sometimes wishes he was never Bourne.

- Ты текилу правильно пить умеешь?
- А что тут уметь: лизнул, выпил, закусил.
- Ты только что описал день рождения начальника...

Q: What does everyone need & never take?
A: Advice.

Человек человеку не часто сапиенс.

How is the egg producing business?
It's not all it's cracked up to be.

I've just told my wife that I've been training as a mime artist for the last 20 years
She said, "you kept that quiet".

A worker at a visor plant was considered super. He is now a supervisor!

I go to bed with my headset on so I can get a sound sleep.

"The worth of a book is to be measured by what you can carry away from it."
— James Bryce

I went to the barbers to get my hair cut, the barber said would you like it cut around the back, i said no, here in the salon is fine.

“It isn't where you came from; it's where you're going that counts.”
― Ella Fitzgerald

Did you hear about the big Lego sale?
People were lined up for blocks.