Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A group of secretaries was having lunch when the new vice president walked by. One of the ladies mentioned, "My, Mr. Lawson sure dresses nicely."
One of the younger women added, "And fast too."

It was the inventor of the dishwasher’s funeral today. The coffin was lowered into the ground only to be taken out by his wife and put back in properly.

You know you are into necrophilia...
when your romance
is dead.

When does it rain money? When there is 'change' in the weather.

The greatest wealth is to live content with little.
- Plato

Special Announcement: stairs are no longer being sold individually. They will now be sold by the case. This is a big step up for us.

I met a midget today, and didn't know what to say; I'm not good at small-talk.

You should always get married in the morning. So if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day!

MY WIFE IS A PSYCHOLOGIST - so not only does she know when I'm being a jerk, but she also knows exactly what type of jerk I am being!

The T-Rex’s muscle strength is so explosive, most paleontologists call it dino-might.

“If you expect nothing from somebody you are never disappointed.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

Things I've learned: There's no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

Как говорил старый Рабинович, лучше быть последним в списке Forbеs, чем первым работником месяца.

Учительницу алгебры
муж застал дома
с двумя неизвестными...

Planning to start a jewellery business. If you want to help, give me a ring.

A pharmacist comes back from lunch break and as he approaches the pharmacy, he sees a man outside the pharmacy clutching onto a pole for dear life, barely breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen. The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier with a cough?"Yes he was." Replies the assistant. "He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help." "Well, he seems to be fine now." "Sure he does. I gave him a box of laxatives. Now he won't dare cough!"

What are two janitors who live together called?
Broommates.

What do you call it when you get a song stuck in your head?
An aneurhythm.

Ты стала взрослой в тот момент, когда исключила из резюме стрессоустойчивость и коммуникабельность.

Knocking on someone's door is just beating their house until they pay attention to you.

"Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood."
— George Orwell, 1984

- А это что? - спросил Леший.
- Пирог с яблоками, - ответила Баба Яга.
- Ты же людей ешь...
- Но не к чаю же.

These pills must be my mother's sister’s
...they're Auntie Biotics !

Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.

What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.

I DON’T UNDERSTAND!! WHY THE FUCK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON….never mind, I found it.

"I could stay awake just to hear you breathing...Watch you smile while you're sleeping..."

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

When my wife and I first started going out, she made me very self conscious about my body odour, she would spray me with perfume when ever I went to kiss her. Not sure which brand it was , but it was very strong and had a peppery smell.

Our daughter told us that she needed to be treated like a princess... So I married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

I used to play sports.
Then realized you can buy trophies.
Now I'm good at everything.

I was so unlucky at love. When I went to the Pigalle in Paris, all I met were Can't Can't girls.

CHILDREN in the BACK SEAT cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause children!

A group wearing maroon shirts are now marooned!

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together.

Clooney says, "I'll direct."
DiCaprio says, "I'll act."
McConaughey says, "I'll write. I'll write. I'll write."

You'll never have a successful relationship with a woman if you can't tell the difference between a smile and a warning.

There is a guy stealing iPhones around town. At some point he's going to face time.

Did you hear about the man who arrived at the hospital just after his wife gave birth to their first child?
He was declared Dad on arrival…

Lots of cows struggle to put on weight. The problem is, they don't eat full meals - they are usually grazers.

A military truck hit a mining truck and there were a few miners with major injuries and several majors with minor injuries!

We're taking a class trip to the Coke factory today. There better not be a pop quiz.

Egg salad is still chicken salad when you think about it.

I knew a ginger named Ebony. It was Ebony and irony.

WHAT'S MARRIAGE? It's a bond between a person who NEVER REMEMBERS anniversaries, and another who NEVER FORGETS them!!!

My wife asked me " did I eat her chocolate eclair in the fridge " ?
I replied " no I ate it in the livingroom "

A guy booked a holiday to Egypt. His wife asked if they could go on a camel.
He said: "No, it will be quicker if we fly”.

If mouse plural is mice,
shouldn't spouse plural be spice?

When I was at school my teacher asked me what ended in 1945. Apparently 1944 wasn’t the right answer.

Why did the dog want to go to yoga classes?
He was really ma-stiff.

It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong.

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others.
The rest of us have to be the others.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk? A fowl smell!

Как говорит тётя Соня:
- Один раз замуж выходят только ленивые...

I am sad to announce that the famous Italian chef " Pasta la Vista" has... pasta way.

“Be less curious about people and more curious about ideas.”
-Marie Curie

- Мне нравится твой одеколон.
- Это коньяк...

My dog works for the fire department. (He helps locate fire hydrants.

Did you hear my puns about storm drains? They're grate.

What's the difference between a husband and an ex-boyfriend?
One kisses the Mrs. and the other misses the kisses

— Чем тут пахнет?
— Это у нас сотрудники выгорели.

I think that thinking about thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking... I think.

My wife asked if she had any annoying habits and then got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation.

So this bloke at the races came over and whispered: "Do you want the winner of the next race?".
I said: "No thanks, I've only got a small garden".

Scam email warning:
If you receive an email saying you have won tickets to watch Arsenal don't open it, it contains tickets to watch Arsenal.

I wake up every morning with the joy and excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.

Туман в голове обычно конденси­руется в словесную воду.

A friend of mine is a civil engineer. Well, he wouldn't be a friend if he wasn't civil.

I've got a great joke about Holland in my Comedy Set, the only trouble is it Never lands.

I know a guy who's a baker in the army.
He goes into battle all buns glazing.

Иногда оттого, что вам всё до фонаря, у вас возникает фонарь под глазом.

A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down... unless that medicine is insulin.

Give me a word that means serving people in a restaurant ….
I’ll “wait”.

Приходит ветеринар к врачу.
— На что жалуетесь? — спрашивает врач.
Ветеринар разводит руками:
— Нуу , так любой может...

— Мама, ты меня звала?
— Нет.
— Папа, а ты меня звал?
— Нет.
— Хорошо, сформулируем вопрос по-другому: «Мы сегодня жрать будем?».

Why do we change position, when its still the same hole???
.
.
.
Seriously, I don't understand golf!

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I've been arrested three times for practicing.

What do you call a nun 10,000 feet in the air? Nun of the above.

If you're ever a passenger in my car, don't disrespect me by trying to sing lead.
It's my car, so you are automatically a backup singer.

Q: How do you make a paradigm change?
A: Four nickels or 20 pennies!

What is the BEST WAY TO GET TO PARADISE? You have to "Turn right and go straight.".