Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My wife and I went to a prize fancy dress party last night as Giraffes. We didn't win anything, but we can hold are head's up high.

Just so you know, asking a taxi driver how much it would be to get somewhere is absolutely a fare question.

“Society often forgives the criminal; it never forgives the dreamer.”
By Oscar Wilde, THE CRITIC AS ARTIST

People might think I'm a bit of a square, but that just means I'm exactly right on every angle.

Accidentally locked myself in a glass cabinet in a museum.
I ended up making an exhibition of myself.

Why are Teslas so expensive?
Probably because they charge a lot.

Неправда, что вас никто не любит, обязательно найдется какой-нибудь дурак.

Never tell a woman she's crazy unless you want to see crazy.

"Much of the evil in the world is due to the fact that man in general is hopelessly unconscious."
Carl Jung, Modern Man in Search of a Soul

Если выпить с умом, то ум отключится первым.

Если заканчивать любое утверждение фразой «или нет», получается забавно. Или нет.

- Хочу быть столбовой дворянкой!!!, - визжала старуха, но старик продолжал одевать её то школьницей, то медсестрой, то покемоном…

I hate it when people don't know the difference between Ur and U'r.

Gymnastics = A more intense version of the floor is lava.

There are plenty of fish in the sea... That's cool and all... but I'm a human.

69 % людей могут найти пошлость в любой фразе.

In Starbucks...
"It's Linda with an i".
"We only need your first name Ms. Withenaye.”

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

Had carol singers
at my door yesterday evening... All I wanted
was a Silent Night

Which is the
laziest tissue
in the world?
A nap-kin.

Some people think I shouldn’t worry about how paragraphs are aligned, but I think it’s justified.

Два одесских джентльмена беседуют на бульваре:
- Раньше ведь оно как было?
- Как?
- Вот именно! А теперь шо?
- Шо?
- Вот и я за это говорю.

Why did the pineapple go out with a prune? Because he couldn’t find a date!

How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.

Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore ?

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

— Тебе нужно выйти из депрессии.
— Ты не можешь выгонять меня из места, ставшего мне домом.

I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.

Чем непонятней объяснения, тем больше шансов на то, что с тобой согласятся. Никому не хочется показаться бестолковым.

Труд вреден. Он прививает человеку привычку к перекурам.

A group of secretaries was having lunch when the new vice president walked by. One of the ladies mentioned, "My, Mr. Lawson sure dresses nicely."
One of the younger women added, "And fast too."

It was the inventor of the dishwasher’s funeral today. The coffin was lowered into the ground only to be taken out by his wife and put back in properly.

You know you are into necrophilia...
when your romance
is dead.

When does it rain money? When there is 'change' in the weather.

The greatest wealth is to live content with little.
- Plato

Special Announcement: stairs are no longer being sold individually. They will now be sold by the case. This is a big step up for us.

I met a midget today, and didn't know what to say; I'm not good at small-talk.

You should always get married in the morning. So if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day!

MY WIFE IS A PSYCHOLOGIST - so not only does she know when I'm being a jerk, but she also knows exactly what type of jerk I am being!

The T-Rex’s muscle strength is so explosive, most paleontologists call it dino-might.

“If you expect nothing from somebody you are never disappointed.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

Things I've learned: There's no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

Как говорил старый Рабинович, лучше быть последним в списке Forbеs, чем первым работником месяца.

Учительницу алгебры
муж застал дома
с двумя неизвестными...

Planning to start a jewellery business. If you want to help, give me a ring.

A pharmacist comes back from lunch break and as he approaches the pharmacy, he sees a man outside the pharmacy clutching onto a pole for dear life, barely breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen. The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier with a cough?"Yes he was." Replies the assistant. "He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help." "Well, he seems to be fine now." "Sure he does. I gave him a box of laxatives. Now he won't dare cough!"

What are two janitors who live together called?
Broommates.

What do you call it when you get a song stuck in your head?
An aneurhythm.

Ты стала взрослой в тот момент, когда исключила из резюме стрессоустойчивость и коммуникабельность.

Knocking on someone's door is just beating their house until they pay attention to you.

"Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood."
— George Orwell, 1984

- А это что? - спросил Леший.
- Пирог с яблоками, - ответила Баба Яга.
- Ты же людей ешь...
- Но не к чаю же.

These pills must be my mother's sister’s
...they're Auntie Biotics !

Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.

What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.

I DON’T UNDERSTAND!! WHY THE FUCK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON….never mind, I found it.

"I could stay awake just to hear you breathing...Watch you smile while you're sleeping..."

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

When my wife and I first started going out, she made me very self conscious about my body odour, she would spray me with perfume when ever I went to kiss her. Not sure which brand it was , but it was very strong and had a peppery smell.

Our daughter told us that she needed to be treated like a princess... So I married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

I used to play sports.
Then realized you can buy trophies.
Now I'm good at everything.

I was so unlucky at love. When I went to the Pigalle in Paris, all I met were Can't Can't girls.

CHILDREN in the BACK SEAT cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause children!

A group wearing maroon shirts are now marooned!

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together.

Clooney says, "I'll direct."
DiCaprio says, "I'll act."
McConaughey says, "I'll write. I'll write. I'll write."

You'll never have a successful relationship with a woman if you can't tell the difference between a smile and a warning.

There is a guy stealing iPhones around town. At some point he's going to face time.

Did you hear about the man who arrived at the hospital just after his wife gave birth to their first child?
He was declared Dad on arrival…

Lots of cows struggle to put on weight. The problem is, they don't eat full meals - they are usually grazers.

A military truck hit a mining truck and there were a few miners with major injuries and several majors with minor injuries!

We're taking a class trip to the Coke factory today. There better not be a pop quiz.

Egg salad is still chicken salad when you think about it.

I knew a ginger named Ebony. It was Ebony and irony.

WHAT'S MARRIAGE? It's a bond between a person who NEVER REMEMBERS anniversaries, and another who NEVER FORGETS them!!!

My wife asked me " did I eat her chocolate eclair in the fridge " ?
I replied " no I ate it in the livingroom "

A guy booked a holiday to Egypt. His wife asked if they could go on a camel.
He said: "No, it will be quicker if we fly”.

If mouse plural is mice,
shouldn't spouse plural be spice?

When I was at school my teacher asked me what ended in 1945. Apparently 1944 wasn’t the right answer.

Why did the dog want to go to yoga classes?
He was really ma-stiff.

It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong.