Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I wake up every morning with the joy and excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.

Туман в голове обычно конденси­руется в словесную воду.

A friend of mine is a civil engineer. Well, he wouldn't be a friend if he wasn't civil.

I've got a great joke about Holland in my Comedy Set, the only trouble is it Never lands.

I know a guy who's a baker in the army.
He goes into battle all buns glazing.

Иногда оттого, что вам всё до фонаря, у вас возникает фонарь под глазом.

A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down... unless that medicine is insulin.

Give me a word that means serving people in a restaurant ….
I’ll “wait”.

Приходит ветеринар к врачу.
— На что жалуетесь? — спрашивает врач.
Ветеринар разводит руками:
— Нуу , так любой может...

— Мама, ты меня звала?
— Нет.
— Папа, а ты меня звал?
— Нет.
— Хорошо, сформулируем вопрос по-другому: «Мы сегодня жрать будем?».

Why do we change position, when its still the same hole???
.
.
.
Seriously, I don't understand golf!

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I've been arrested three times for practicing.

What do you call a nun 10,000 feet in the air? Nun of the above.

If you're ever a passenger in my car, don't disrespect me by trying to sing lead.
It's my car, so you are automatically a backup singer.

Q: How do you make a paradigm change?
A: Four nickels or 20 pennies!

What is the BEST WAY TO GET TO PARADISE? You have to "Turn right and go straight.".

QUESTION: Does England have a 4th of July?
Answer: Yes they do, and a July 5th and a July 6th.

How do you know when tomatoes are good to eat? When they’re reddy!

I've decided I'm gonna start a labor union meant specifically to fight for workers bathroom rights, If your interested in joining we're calling ourselves the Bowel Movement.

The tensest funeral I’ve ever been to was for the man who invented the Jack-in-the-box.

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*.
flight attendant: please stop.

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it's because I can't stand doing it.

- Беня, дорогой, скажи честно, как я выгляжу?
- Дорочка, главное, шо мы все живы-здоровы...

I went for a job interview
And at the end they asked me, “So, last question: what would you say is your worst quality?”
“Worst quality?”, I replied, “well I’ve been told that I often jump to conclusions...”
“Hmm, ok. Well, thanks very much for coming in, we’ll be in touch”
“No problem! See you Monday!”

So this bloke walks into a fishmongers carrying a salmon under his arm and says: "Do you make fishcakes?"
"Of course," says the fishmonger.
"Oh good," says the bloke, "make him one, it's his birthday".

I tried out for the lead in a play about Cuba and earned the understudy role. I turned it down. I refuse to play second Fidel.

I asked the doctor if he could cure my measles. He said he doesn’t make rash promises.

Just saw an ad that urged people to "report allergic reactions to your doctor". I had no idea so many people were allergic to their doctors.

Разум - это счастье от ума.

Лень - это избыток адекватности в ущерб полезности.

Password is: ‘sunburnthead’
No caps.

Вся проблема в том, что жизнь идет по спирали, а нам все до лампочки.

— Какие планы на вечер?
— Пока никаких. А какие есть предложения?
— Сложносочинённые и сложноподчинённые.

When the two digging machines got a divorce, they became excavators.

I was in Starbucks today and ordered a coffee and the barista asked I’d like a little room for milk. I said I already have a little room for milk. It’s called a fridge.

В каждой женщине живет стриптизёрша. Главное - смешать напитки в правильной пропорции.

My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today.
I learned a lot.
For example, apparently I have two kids.

Any time someone is hot and you're too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they've probably had diarrhea at some point.

—¿Qué tan drogado está usted?
—Oficial, en primera, bájese de mi unicornio.

У Антона не было денег, и поэтому стриптизерше в трусы он просто крикнул спасибо.

Все люди глупые. Но понимают это только умные.

My wife said she wanted to play house. I told her I want to be Hugh Laurie.

What's the perfect amount of time to microwave your popcorn?

I can't tell you, it's pop secret.

My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my A/C bill is.
I told him, “My door is always open”.

Do you know what animal has the dirtiest most cussing mouth in the world?
A bird, they have fowl language!

I might be annoying but once u get to know me I am even worse.

My wife refused to set foot on a nude beach,
She so clothes minded!

Why don't fish skip school? They might get caught.

....dropped Viagra on my wrist watch & now I’m having a hard time.

I once knew what mean, median and mode meant. Now I get mean and in a bad mode if I can't even define median.

I really like eating sardines, anchovies and smelt. Guess I'm not a big fish eater.

I thought the lecture on Tectonic Plates was very moving.

Al Pacino is set to appear in a new film about a man who wins the World Knitting Championship…
‘Scarf Ace'

The FDA wanted to pull a new memory drug off the market when they found it couldn’t be recalled.

The IRS has made a major announcement. All Cannabis dealers must file a joint tax return.

What did the scientists think when they found bones on the moon?
The cow didn't make it.

How does a mouse save another mouse from drowning ? With mouse-to-mouse resuscitation .

My friend Art has a son who never married.
We refer to him as, 'Bachelor of Art's'

Two spiders got married and bought their first home.
I was so happy for the newlywebs.

A guy published a book on how to create the ultimate basement.
He hopes it will be a best cellar.

A C major scale walks into a bar and orders a drink
The bartender said "No, you're a minor"

Wanna hear my joke about
trouser belts? Buckle up!

I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night. My dreams have never been clearer.

Чем отличается старший прапорщик от прапорщика?
Прапорщик ворует у всех. Старший прапорщик ворует у всех, включая прапорщиков.

Сын Клоуна спрашивает Папу Клоуна:
- Папа, ты, когда вырастешь - кем станешь?

Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.

What is the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum man?
One stops the bad guys and the other just foils their plans.

What did they call Postman Pat after he retired?
Pat.

Любовь слепа – ночует и днем.

Painted half of my face like a clown today and went for a drive. Not sure everyone saw the funny side.

Отвёртка многим шурупам вскружила голову. И лишь некоторым удалось отвертеться.

I set up a chain of businesses in Paris...they became frenchised.

I was at a watchmakers meeting.
I was the one taking the minutes.

Making a boat out of stone would be a hardship.

Мужик принёс на анализ ведро мочи.
Лаборант: — Вы бы ещё ведро кала принесли!
Мужик радостно: — Вот, как знал.

Мне ничего не стоит победить собственную лень. Просто побеждать лень.

I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.

If you ever come over unannounced, it'll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.

Если ошибку можно исправить - значит, ты еще не ошибся.

I’ve been living in a drought-stricken region. My punny friends sent me a get-well-soon card!