Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Fell asleep on my smartphone the other day.
I had downloaded a napp.

‘Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.’ -
Oscar Wilde,

-Доктор после развода я сильно поправилась, вы не подскажите, что мне делать?
-Фира Наумовна, перестаньте праздновать.

"There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature."
~ P.G. Wodehouse

-Умоляю тебя, Сара, не выходи за этого человека!
-Но, мамочка, я ненадолго...

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

Еврейская мудрость.
Берегите внуков. Это единственные близкие вам люди на которых вы оставите своих детей.

The Infectious Diseases ward of my local hospital has great wifi because of all the hot spots.

One cardiologist said his success seemed to be in the cards!

I took a shower the other day...
But thought I should bring it back incase someone else needed it....

Me looking at my wife's labor and delivery bills:
"You're the most expensive 3D printer I've ever seen."

“The most dangerous creation of any society is the man who has nothing to lose.”
James Baldwin

I shortened the rope on the bucket that didn’t go down well.

According to serving sizes tonight, I'm a family of 4.

Gotta love cock jokes, they are just riDICKulous.

The adhesive factory was burgled last night, police say the thieves left no glues.

If your entire job is to post posters is your job title a poster poster?

I once slammed my finger in part of a book. The Index.

Саксофонист, когда целуется, по привычке перебирает пальцами по позвоночнику девушки.

I FINALLY was able to open my shoe store for only large sized shoes.
Let me tell you, it was no small feet.

What do you call a superhero with no sense of direction?
Wander Woman.

A fly feels a bug on its back.
"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?" the fly asks.
"I mite be," giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard," groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly."

Are there any other sleepwalkers out there that do anything else other than just walk around?
I'm just wandering.

Застенчивый крестьянин так и не смог раскрепоститься.

I went to view a house on a Native American reservation:
"I like it" I said, "does it come with running water?"
He said, "No, get your own wife."

So this man once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning.
The son did this religiously every morning, and lived to be 93.
When he died, he left 6 children, 11 grandchildren, 27 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

"It's not about who's right or wrong."
-The person that is wrong

I was cryogenically frozen for a while, then somebody woke me up early.
I really lost my cool.

MONEY CAN'T BUY LOVE
but it sure gives more bargaining power...

Honesty is the key to a smooth relationship. So if you can fake that, YOU'RE IN...

The ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to 'laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series' as a "marathon".

TIP FOR WIVES > If you want your husband to do something he doesn't want, just say that maybe he's too old for that...

I lost my job as a stage designer.
I left without making a scene.

I dont know what just happened at the check-in desk, the woman said "window or aisle" i replied "window or you'll what?"

What has 5 fingers, but isn't your hand?
My hand.

The worst part about losing your glasses is needing your glasses to find them.

What do you call an alligator with a law degree?
A litigator

What is E.T short for?
Because he has small legs.

I don't always exercise....
But when I do, I'll do it tomorrow,

I always sleep in my clothes.
Every night my wife says "Get out of the laundry basket!"

Serious question: Where do all the bagel holes go?

I was asked to sketch an actress so I Drew Barrymore.

So I said to this Mole: "Have you stolen that soil from my garden?"
He said: "No, I've just burrowed it".

A friend of mine does backing vocals. It's his voice on the "this vehicle is reversing" messages.

My Doctor said I have very low blood pressure.
He gave me a prescription for 2 IKEA self assembly wardrobes.

Has anyone else found it weird that when ‘Star Trek’ boldly go where no one has gone before they always find someone there?

My wife just threw away bubble wrap without popping it.
Just like that.
I'm married to an animal.

- Говорят, появилась информация о последних часах патриарха Кирилла…
- А он что, умер?
- Нет, ещё одни часы купил.

Промежуточный возраст — это когда еще готова к бурному сексу на подоконнике, но уже не знаешь, куда девать с него рассаду.

Flipped my pillow to the cool side and found some hipsters crafting IPAs.

Her: are you a dog person?
Me: Werewolves aren't real, Karen.

Основным правом россиян во все времена было и остается крепостное.

Two runners were way out in front in a charity marathon. One was dressed as a chicken and the other as an egg.
As they approached the tape I thought: "This could be interesting.”

“No one is more hated than he who speaks the truth.”
― Plato

The amount of people who confuse ‘to’ and ‘too’ is amazing two me.

“Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself.”
— Cicero

Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.

When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.

The bank guy was pestering me to borrow money, I begged him to leave me a loan.

I met my wife on the net; we were both bad trapeze artists.

The education system is teaching people to spend money they don't have and earn it later through jobs they might not find.

The education system is teaching people to spend money they don't have and earn it later through jobs they might not find.

What do clowns get turned on by?
Balloon blow-up dolls.

Q. What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
A. They are both meat substitutes.

Q. Whats 72?
A. 69 with three people watching.

Retired from a career as a repairman.
Now my income's no longer fixed.

It makes me very uncomfortable that the word "Australia" contains three A's and all of them are pronounced differently.

Whats was written on a Dentist's grave?
This is the last cavity I'm going to fill.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

My cellphone accidentally took a 10 min video of my shoes yesterday.
It was some pretty good footage...

What do you call a cow with no hair?
Smooooth.

What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally.
A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

Every time I walk through baggage reclaim at an airport, I burst into tears. I'm case sensitive.

Married women shouldn't keep their husbands in the doghouse too often or they might give their bones to the woman next door !

"She slap her daughter, because she was drunk."
Who was drunk the daughter or the mother?

If the orchestra went to a fancy restaurant without their maestro, would they know how to...
...conduct themselves??

What is green and found in trees? Giraffe snot...

My last girlfriend she
was like a drug.
My ex-Stacy.

me: i'm bored with my life.
therapist: have you tried socializing more?
me: thanks, now i'm bored and depressed.