Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Основным правом россиян во все времена было и остается крепостное.

Two runners were way out in front in a charity marathon. One was dressed as a chicken and the other as an egg.
As they approached the tape I thought: "This could be interesting.”

“No one is more hated than he who speaks the truth.”
― Plato

The amount of people who confuse ‘to’ and ‘too’ is amazing two me.

“Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself.”
— Cicero

Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.

When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.

The bank guy was pestering me to borrow money, I begged him to leave me a loan.

I met my wife on the net; we were both bad trapeze artists.

The education system is teaching people to spend money they don't have and earn it later through jobs they might not find.

The education system is teaching people to spend money they don't have and earn it later through jobs they might not find.

What do clowns get turned on by?
Balloon blow-up dolls.

Q. What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
A. They are both meat substitutes.

Q. Whats 72?
A. 69 with three people watching.

Retired from a career as a repairman.
Now my income's no longer fixed.

It makes me very uncomfortable that the word "Australia" contains three A's and all of them are pronounced differently.

Whats was written on a Dentist's grave?
This is the last cavity I'm going to fill.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

My cellphone accidentally took a 10 min video of my shoes yesterday.
It was some pretty good footage...

What do you call a cow with no hair?
Smooooth.

What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally.
A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

Every time I walk through baggage reclaim at an airport, I burst into tears. I'm case sensitive.

Married women shouldn't keep their husbands in the doghouse too often or they might give their bones to the woman next door !

"She slap her daughter, because she was drunk."
Who was drunk the daughter or the mother?

If the orchestra went to a fancy restaurant without their maestro, would they know how to...
...conduct themselves??

What is green and found in trees? Giraffe snot...

My last girlfriend she
was like a drug.
My ex-Stacy.

me: i'm bored with my life.
therapist: have you tried socializing more?
me: thanks, now i'm bored and depressed.

Why doesn’t Ed have a girlfriend anymore?
Sheeran!

Just letting you know that the Beatles museum is now open 8 days a week.

If You had a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in the other what do you get? A bloody big moth.

I bumped into a cross eyed woman today, she shouted “You need to look where you are going”!
I said “You need to go where you are looking”!

"All suffering originates from craving, from attachment, from desire."
• Edgar Allan Poe

Magician:"Go ahead, pick a card, any card."
So I took his Visa.

Should a company that lays railroad track
advertise their work as unparalleled?

What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone's relieved when the case is closed.

My friend asked me to fix the blown electrical circuit on his car. I re-fused.

Bought a boomerang off a ghost,
hope it doesn't come back to haunt me.

Я не для того в детстве училась ходить и разговаривать, чтоб выйдя замуж сидеть и помалкивать.

I once heard of a psychologist who set up a kiosk at the local ATM. He wanted to help those who exhibited withdrawal symptoms!

I almost got shanked in jail last night.
My family takes Monopoly very seriously.

So to the person who stole my train set...
What goes around, comes around!

The Institute of incomplete research has found that six out of ten people

Funny how a sphere has only one side but half a sphere has two.

Что общего между наркоманом и Зевсом?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Оба по ночам долбят геру.

I DON'T READ ANY INSTRUCTIONS!
I just press buttons and wait until it does what I want.

I asked my math coach why she's always passing gas during our lessons.
She said, "Because I'm your tutor."

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. I asked him what he was doing and he replied, “Just checking my balance.”

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~Charles Schultz.

I bought coconut shampoo this morning..
I've only just realised I don't even have a coconut.

How do you donate money to Taliban ?
Just pay taxes in the USA.

Как называются люди маленького роста с тревожным расстройством?
Микроволновки.

Is eating a pizza considered a square meal?

I think abs are for guys that don't have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

Has it occurred to anyone that the eclipse is just the sun being mooned??

Kissing someone is like accepting their 'germs and conditions!!

One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music. Think it's the Chopin board.

I was asked at an interview how i would describe myself, i said verbally of course.

What’s the difference between a circus and a brothel?
A circus has a cunning array of stunts.

Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.

I have learned so much from my mistakes that I'm thinking of making a few more... (just to make sure)

What do you get when you ask a politician to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Three different answers.

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum known as the Caesarian section.

Pita is one of my favorite flatbreads.
It is second to Naan.

Someone broke into the school library and stole all the book shelves, the police say its a textbook case.

—Amor, ya es tiempo que me presentes a tu familia.

—No puedo, mi esposo es muy celoso.

Not all construction work is the same. Drilling a hole is boring, but connecting 2 pieces of metal is riveting.

Why doesn't the sun need to go to college?
Because it already has millions of degrees.

I saw the world's largest egg this week. That will take some beating.

I woke up in the fireplace this morning. I guess you can say I slept like a log.

I don't know who needs to know this but even if a bear wears socks and shoes, he still has bear feet.

The coach wanted to scold his team for getting shut out, but decided that doing so would be pointless.

What is a ghost's favourite exercise?
Deadlifting.

Готовлю я хорошо. Только невкусно.

Had to take down my tennis court in this quiet residential area. The neighbors said I was raising too much of a racquet.

I performed a joke about abortion.
It wasn't ovary good one.

My problem with drinking battery acid got so bad I started
attending AA meetings.

For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.

I'm fed up with food puns.