Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
"You're too young to smoke."

I bet Matt Damon sometimes wishes he was never Bourne.

- Ты текилу правильно пить умеешь?
- А что тут уметь: лизнул, выпил, закусил.
- Ты только что описал день рождения начальника...

Q: What does everyone need & never take?
A: Advice.

Человек человеку не часто сапиенс.

How is the egg producing business?
It's not all it's cracked up to be.

I've just told my wife that I've been training as a mime artist for the last 20 years
She said, "you kept that quiet".

A worker at a visor plant was considered super. He is now a supervisor!

I go to bed with my headset on so I can get a sound sleep.

"The worth of a book is to be measured by what you can carry away from it."
— James Bryce

I went to the barbers to get my hair cut, the barber said would you like it cut around the back, i said no, here in the salon is fine.

“It isn't where you came from; it's where you're going that counts.”
― Ella Fitzgerald

Did you hear about the big Lego sale?
People were lined up for blocks.

3 guys on a boat with 4 cigars but nothing to light them with. So they throw 1 cigar overboard & the boat becomes a cigar lighter.

Q: Why did the PowerPoint Presentation cross the road?
A: To get to the other slide.

If you share your personal story of how your gut was healed, is that an intestimonial?

What do you call a communist doing yoga?
Stretch Marx.

Lisa Kudrow but she prefers to sail..

I used to think "caesarean" was spelt with an S until I looked in the dictionary and found it in the C section.

«Почему меня постоянно пытаются убить путешественники во времени?! Я же простой художник».
Адольф Гитлер, 1914 г

- Фирочка, почему такая прелесть до сих пор не замужем?
- Понятия не имею. Вот ведь смотрят, пробуют, хвалят… И никто не берет…

I saw a sign in a shop window that said, 'Watch batteries fitted £5.50.'
I thought, "Why would anyone pay to see that?

I was sitting quietly in my armchair contemplating life last night. I shouts to the missus "when I die I'm going to leave everything to you love". She shouted back "you already do ya lazy bastard"

So one day at school, the boy who sat next to me swallowed his calculator.
I stood up for him when everyone else said he was a weirdo.
I told them: “He may be a bit weird, but it’s what’s inside him that counts”!

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop? I did it the other knight...And I got rooked.

If it hurts you more then it hurts them....
Your probably holding the taser wrong....

Plumbers who install instantaneous hot water heaters have tankless jobs.

What do you call a grim reaper with hearing problem
Deaf.

I grew up on a housing estate so rough, even the arms of the chairs had tattoos!!

I once dated a one-legged girl who worked in a brewery.

She was in charge of the hops.

My friend just told me - Guys, please put on your mask and face shield. It saves lives. Yesterday a friend of mine went out with his girlfriend and on the way to the mall he passed by his wife and she did not recognize him. The mask really saved his life.

The butchers meat store caught on fire. You know what he did? He grabbed his meat and beat it.

Q: What does a British owl say?
A: “Whom, whom”

While it is legal to transport certain vegetables by boat, I'd be careful how you inform people you've got leeks on your ship.

I gave my pet snake to the zoo.
He was developing a bad adder-tude!

WHAT'S MARRIAGE MADE OF? For men It's 3% compromise, 3% love and 94% accepting that you've lost an argument and have to fold the laundry or dry the dishes in silence.

I told the hostess we need a table for six. She asked if we had reservations. I said no, we definitely want to have dinner here.

I just bought a carpet company! It's a floored business.

I asked my mother why I’m such a fast sprinter, she said it runs in the family.

A gay guy walks into the doctors office. He takes off his clothes for examination. When he takes his clothes off the doctor sees a Nicoderm patch at the end of his penis. The doctor says... "Hmmm, that's interesting...Does it work?" The man answers.. "Sure does... I haven't had a butt in 3 weeks!"

My girlfriend doesn’t believe that I have a favourite Spandau Ballet song, but it's True.

They never use to pay Sir Lancelot, he was a free lancer.

I just put a stick in a non-stick pan, nothing happened.

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"

“Sorrow is knowledge, those that know the most must mourn the deepest, the tree of knowledge is not the tree of life. ”
― Lord Byron

Years ago I used to DJ at Stonehenge, but I no longer mix in those circles.

😅 "A man is incomplete until he gets married. After that, he's finished..." 🤔

I hailed a taxi, pointed to the car in front and said to the driver "follow him!". He said "Sure, what's his Twitter?"

При выбрасывании хлама, главное — не начать его рассматривать.

I often confuse reptiles & amphibians. Actually, if I'm brutally honest,they pretty much never know what I'm talking about.

I went into a McDonald’s in Berlin and asked for 9 chicken nuggets …… they gave me an empty box !!!

Interviewer: What is your current occupation?
Me: I am an artist for the state.
Interviewer: The state?
Me: Yes, I draw unemployment.

The astronaut drives a Saturn, the pimp drives a cheap Escort, and the proctologist drives a brown Probe.

How does a beer drinker see in the dark?
Miller lite.

HUSBANDS ARE LIKE WINE... THEY TAKE A LONG TIME TO MATURE!

As it turns out, the 10 Commandments are not meant to be multiple choice !

Рабинович останавливает на шоссе легковую машину:
- Извините, не будете ли вы столь любезны довезти до Одессы моё пальто?
- Пожалуйста. Только как вы его там получите?
- Если вы не возражае­те, я в нём останусь.

—Hijo, ¿traes los ojos rojos?

—Lo acepto papá, ¡Fumé marihuana!

—¡A MI NO ME ENGAÑAS, LLORASTE PORQUE TE DEJARON EN VISTO POR WHATSAPP!

"If crimefighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?"
- George Carlin

Dear God,
All I ask for in 2022 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body…
Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.
Amen.

— Ты знаешь, я ни разу не изменила своему мужу.
— Ты хвастаешься или жалуешься?

- Фима, на секундочку, я тебе таки скажу, шо не бывает холодных женщин. Бывают мужчины с сырыми спичками!

- Яша, почему ты всегда так плохо думаешь о людях?
- Шо случилось, Сарочка?
- Ты сказал, шо а автосервисе меня разведут на деньги, а автомеханик сказал, шо надо всего лишь заплатить за замену жидкости для поворотников.

Why have a Rolex,
if you use it to count down the seconds until your shift is over?

My neighbor is a door-to-door stand-up comedian. He does a lot of Knock Knock jokes.

What do you do when a yoga guru goes missing?
Nothing. They’ll find themself.

In dreams she is mine,
In reality she is a dream.

He was put on trial by the Grammar Police and received a run-on sentence.

Будете держать себя в рамках, превратитесь в портрет.

You cannot eat a whole donut unless you also eat a donut hole.

What did one coffee say to the other before they went out? Let’s stir up some fun.

First the dairy man proposed to her.
Then the sausage maker proposed.
She had to decide to marry for butter or wurst.

Научить иностранца произносить звук "ы" очень просто. Пусть произносит звук "у" и начнёт улыбаться.

There was an Irish botanist trying to cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy.
He was hoping for a rash of good luck.

- Я хочу за тебя замуж, Изя, но я понимаю, что одного моего желания мало... Поэтому я взяла пистолет.

I bought some antique speakers.

It was a sound investment.

I met my wife on Tinder.
That was awkward.

— Ваше предложение ещё остаётся в силе? — Да. — Тогда я снова отказываюсь.

Last night I had a dream that John Lennon and Gary Barlow formed a supergroup...
Imagine that!

Hard to believe the Beatles broke up over a guitar. John wanted Less Paul.