Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why doesn’t Ed have a girlfriend anymore?
Sheeran!

Just letting you know that the Beatles museum is now open 8 days a week.

If You had a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in the other what do you get? A bloody big moth.

I bumped into a cross eyed woman today, she shouted “You need to look where you are going”!
I said “You need to go where you are looking”!

"All suffering originates from craving, from attachment, from desire."
• Edgar Allan Poe

Magician:"Go ahead, pick a card, any card."
So I took his Visa.

Should a company that lays railroad track
advertise their work as unparalleled?

What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone's relieved when the case is closed.

My friend asked me to fix the blown electrical circuit on his car. I re-fused.

Bought a boomerang off a ghost,
hope it doesn't come back to haunt me.

Я не для того в детстве училась ходить и разговаривать, чтоб выйдя замуж сидеть и помалкивать.

I once heard of a psychologist who set up a kiosk at the local ATM. He wanted to help those who exhibited withdrawal symptoms!

I almost got shanked in jail last night.
My family takes Monopoly very seriously.

So to the person who stole my train set...
What goes around, comes around!

The Institute of incomplete research has found that six out of ten people

Funny how a sphere has only one side but half a sphere has two.

Что общего между наркоманом и Зевсом?
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Оба по ночам долбят геру.

I DON'T READ ANY INSTRUCTIONS!
I just press buttons and wait until it does what I want.

I asked my math coach why she's always passing gas during our lessons.
She said, "Because I'm your tutor."

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. I asked him what he was doing and he replied, “Just checking my balance.”

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~Charles Schultz.

I bought coconut shampoo this morning..
I've only just realised I don't even have a coconut.

How do you donate money to Taliban ?
Just pay taxes in the USA.

Как называются люди маленького роста с тревожным расстройством?
Микроволновки.

Is eating a pizza considered a square meal?

I think abs are for guys that don't have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

Has it occurred to anyone that the eclipse is just the sun being mooned??

Kissing someone is like accepting their 'germs and conditions!!

One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music. Think it's the Chopin board.

I was asked at an interview how i would describe myself, i said verbally of course.

What’s the difference between a circus and a brothel?
A circus has a cunning array of stunts.

Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.

I have learned so much from my mistakes that I'm thinking of making a few more... (just to make sure)

What do you get when you ask a politician to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Three different answers.

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum known as the Caesarian section.

Pita is one of my favorite flatbreads.
It is second to Naan.

Someone broke into the school library and stole all the book shelves, the police say its a textbook case.

—Amor, ya es tiempo que me presentes a tu familia.

—No puedo, mi esposo es muy celoso.

Not all construction work is the same. Drilling a hole is boring, but connecting 2 pieces of metal is riveting.

Why doesn't the sun need to go to college?
Because it already has millions of degrees.

I saw the world's largest egg this week. That will take some beating.

I woke up in the fireplace this morning. I guess you can say I slept like a log.

I don't know who needs to know this but even if a bear wears socks and shoes, he still has bear feet.

The coach wanted to scold his team for getting shut out, but decided that doing so would be pointless.

What is a ghost's favourite exercise?
Deadlifting.

Готовлю я хорошо. Только невкусно.

Had to take down my tennis court in this quiet residential area. The neighbors said I was raising too much of a racquet.

I performed a joke about abortion.
It wasn't ovary good one.

My problem with drinking battery acid got so bad I started
attending AA meetings.

For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.

I'm fed up with food puns.

Teacher: anyone with a red pen?
Programmer: from stationery import red pen.

I told someone a JavaScript Joke today. He did not React.

If your morning is not going according to plan, you've got to learn to just latte be.

I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I'm still looking for ideas.

My wifes just texted me and told me she was in casualty. Well I've watched 3 series but not seen her yet.

Me: Waiter, this food isn't fit for a pig!
Waiter: I am sorry Sir, let me bring you something that is.

"Уверенность в завтрашнем дне" — это не про день, а про дно.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.

What did the goose say when his flock landed on a balcony in Brazil?
I don’t know - I don’t speak porch of geese.

The report said he was injured in the fracas, that sounds really painful.

The salesman did a good job on selling me this new car, turns out to be an electric one, well i wont be fuelled again.

I cant be bothered to do much laundry so i'm just gonna throw in the towel.

People who are crazy about money are doughnuts.

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

Смотри на жизнь веселей: наступив на грабли, наслаждайся фейерверком…

I'm a very good lover!
Want to know why?
It's because I practice a lot on my own..

My jokes are so bad i'm going to join the witless protection program.

My neighbor, a Brit, had a swarm of bees in his back yard. I heard him tell the bees to behive themselves!

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called brightness, but it doesn’t work!

So what did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home?

"Where on earth have you been love?!"

My neighbor was fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

What would happen if America switched from using pounds to kilograms as a unit of measure?
Mass confusion.

The country with the highest number of warning signs, is China. Red flags everywhere.

What did the plant say when it was hungry?
I could use a light snack.

If I do a job in 30 min., it's bcoz I spent 10 years learning how to do that in 30 min. You owe me for the years, not the minutes.

I’ve invented a mind controlled air freshener. Sounds crazy, I know, but it makes scents when you think about it.

- Вась, кто девушку ужинает, тот её и танцует.
- Чё?
- Сначала мидии, потом хламидии.

Some men can't think straight -- they always have curves on their minds.

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people we personally dislike.
~Oscar Wilde