Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Welcome to Book Binding Club.
Please make yourself a tome.

Ladies, if your cup is only half full, you probably need a different bra....

The biggest lesson work has taught me:
Efficient employees get punished with more work.

A pig without 3.14 is 9.8

Dogs bark during postal deliveries because they know bills make us unhappy.

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.Woman : Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. Man: ... Are you single?

Woman: No. I'm a dentist.

People still follow to unfollow later like they're celebrities.

My doctor told me I was suffering from paranoia. She didn't actually say that, but I know it was what she was thinking.

I started a management meeting by getting everyone to say 'Titanic' to each other, but they all just looked confused.

I guess it wasn't a very good ice breaker.

I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself.

When the salesman from the hearing aid company calls I stay on the line and answer every question with "What?"

Yes, I repeat the same jokes on here, but I mix up the typos to keep things interesting.

Which civilization was the first to advance technical, specialist or niche interests?

The Ancient Geeks.

You don't pay an income tax if you don't have an income.

Old statisticians never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.

Is it just me?
Or are there any other anagrams of em?

"I'd like some kielbasa please."

"Are you Polish?"

"What does my nationality have to do with it?"

"This is Home Depot."

The website for orphans doesn't have a home page.

The other day I walked past the lead singer of R.E.M.

I thought that I heard him laughing.

“Shoot for the stars – you might land on the moon” actually describes a terrible mission failure.

Panic attacks are my cardio.

Food is 110% better than people.

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman.

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit.

Приносит мужик врачу анализы. Тот берет баночку с мочой, переливает в стаканчик. Надпивает.
— Ну что ж, моча у вас нормальная, никаких замечаний…
Берет коробочку с калом. Аккуратненько ложечкой смакует.
— Ну что ж, кал хороший, никаких отклонений…
Берет кал, бросает в стканчик с мочой. Перемешивает ложечкой. Надпивает.
— Ну что же, анализы у вас вроде бы хорошие…
Вдруг — бац! — выплескивает все содержимое стакана мужику в лицо.
Мужик в шоке:
— А-а-а-а!
— А вот нервишки надо бы подлечить!

u study hard
i hardly study

we are not the same

- Hago un montón de cosas con IA.
- ¿Con Inteligencia Artificial?
- No, con insomnio y ansiedad.

When you are angry, stay silent.

50% of Scotland is land.

The other 50% is Scot.

Gloria Gaynor invited 6 people to dinner, but only five turned up.
"Never mind, " she said, "I will serve five."

Just paid off our mortgage using wife's Only Fans account.

She's going to be furious when she finds out she has an Only Fans account.

В еврейском БДСМ запрещено привязывать пейсы к кровати.

I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.

Turns out they’re all bark and no bite.

“One man’s “magic” is another man’s engineering. “Supernatural” is a null word.”
- Robert A. Heinlein

I spotted my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop, so I stopped.

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.

"Why don't you just sod off" he shouted back.

"What an ungrateful little guy" I thought, so I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

I eat spicy food like my butthole owes me money.

I respect your beliefs and your religion even though they are totally wrong and made up.

Когда дрочу - молитву бормочу.

Me: this is romantic isn’t it? Just the two of us.
Cellmate: I mean I guess.

This chapter of my life is called 'at least the rent is paid'.

Be useless, so nobody can use you.

I’ve always been an outsider. The only thing worth being inside is a pussy.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so I'm off to find a bar with a mirror!

The system isn’t broken.

The system is working exactly as it’s supposed too.

The rich get richer and you stay a slave.

Chemistry is like my acting career, sometimes it's explosive and other times it just fizzles out.
- Lindsay Lohan

Physics ? Oh, you mean that thing where I defy gravity every time I walk down a runway?
- Gisele Bündchen

If a bee is bothering you, don’t swat it or run away, just stare at it.

Because seeing is bee leaving.

Just fired myself from cleaning my house.

I don't like my attitude and I got caught drinking on the job.

We all appreciate money puns — let’s be franc.

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

It’s a challenge sometimes making coffee before you’ve had coffee.

toothache and heartache comes from the same thing

which is something sweet

Interviewer: Your resume says you’re forgetful.
Interviewee: It does?

"What is a tautology?"

"A tautology is a tautology."

I only accept apologies in cash.

Co-Workers: You’re so antisocial!
Me: I’m selectively social, there is a difference.

9-to-5 is a prison.

And the illusions of security are the walls holding you in.

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds).

My favourite type of lingerie is when it's on the floor...

Much to the annoyance of the store clerk.

The only thing worse than not thinking, is thinking like everyone else.

Wrinkles mean you laughed, grey hair means you cared, and scars mean you lived.

Always remember that you are someone's weird coworker.

I asked him to show me...
"What those fingers do?"

He's currently making shadow puppets while I hold the flashlight....

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people's eyes.

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

Religion:
It’s like history but without facts.

She swallows so many kids, so I started calling her pennywise.

I sent a food parcel to my former wife.
Fed Ex.

Get rich or die tryin'.

My bonsai business was so successful, I had to move to smaller premises.

They say makeup sex is the best sex.

But I can’t even get my dick in the mascara bottle.

We pay tax on items we purchase with money we earn that has already been taxed.

Some of the best feelings are those I kept away from the world.

Our right to bear arms is absolutely worth more than your illusion of safety.

Just tried the fabric softener diet but in the end I was still comfort eating.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

If you have to beg your allies to help you, they aren’t allies at all.

The taste of Coke out of an ice cold glass bottle is uncanny.

Show dominance by saying "that was a great story" when it had only begun.

The new film about fishing has a great cast.

Top tip.
Use spare face masks to brew your espresso.
They make great coughy filters.