Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Old problems have old solutions.

I have a statistics joke but its not significant.

My girlfriend said she needs some time and distance.

Is she calculating speed?

My girlfriend said she needs some time and distance.

Is she calculating speed?

Know what ya get when ya throw a lot of books in the ocean?

A title wave!

I like the way my British friend calls it a car park. It means a lot to me.

"You are strong only where you were broken."

What do you call a flirty philosoper?

A socra-tease...

When you argue with a fool, you always lose.

I've decided to become an assassin.

I heard they make a killing.

You need to focus on just 3 Fs:

Freedom, Fitness, and Family.

Rest everything is a noise in your life.

Your love life is like Sudoku. Very complicated, with no hope of solving it.

I’d call her a cunt, but she lacks the depth and warmth.

Stop cheating on your future with your past. It's over.

DSA (Data Structures and Algorithms) is the leading cause of DSA (Depression, Stress and Anxiety).

“You must be prepared to work always without applause.”

— Ernest Hemingway

No matter who you vote for, the rich stay rich, the poor stay poor and the bombs never stop.

Of course I can read Polish, I just don't know what the words mean.

Levi Strauss was a jeanius.

My favorite breed of dog is a cat.

Writing "etc" on a test because you don't remember any more examples.

Love sucks ! ......true love swallows .

Leibniz be like: when life gives you lemons, make le monad.

How do you comfort a JavaScript bug?

You console it.

Why does everyone laugh when I ask who recorded 'Take on me'?

Invest in yourself because you’re worth it.

Customer: Your menu says jerk chicken, but this is just plain chicken.

Me: Trust me, that chicken was an asshole.

"You don't have to be brilliant, only a little bit wiser than the other guys, on average, for a long, long time."

– Charlie Munger

if your code works on the first try wake up you're dreaming.

Learning to code and design changed my life.

Now I don't have one.

Stay calm in every storm.

Risk is better than regret.

Ways to disassociate from the system:

1. Avoid fast food restaurants and chain restaurants.
2. Learn to cook. Make meals from scratch.
3. Shop at local farmer's markets. Or grow your own.
4. Use natural remedies instead of pharmaceuticals
5. Homeschool
6. Install Linux

Birthdays are funeral rehearsals with cake.

“The wise man does immediately what the fool does eventually.”

-Machiavelli

Взяв кредит в банке, первым делом купите себе красивые трусы возможно, только в них вы и останетесь.

Don't minimize costs - maximize revenues.

The government is a huge Mafia that launders your tax money right back to themselves through foreign aid and endless wars.

Watching Porn.
I hope they stay together.

"You want to be rich and anonymous, not poor and famous."

"The problem with genius is that you have to tolerate madness."

Ikea meatballs are made from the meat of people who cant find their way out of the store.

Why isn't suntanning an Olympic sport?

Because the best you can ever get is bronze.

There’s no fair elections anywhere in the world now. It’s all a scam.

My wife and I had sex in Chernobyl.

9 months later we became a nuclear family.

Programming feels like you're just one tutorial away from knowing everything.

Everyone knows that curing cancer isn't as profitable as treating it.

They don't want to ban guns. They want a monopoly on them.

Adapt or die.

It’s hard to have a heart attack if you don’t have a heart.

Over-medicated and under-educated is exactly how they want us.

Teach us to realize the brevity of life so that we may grow in wisdom.
Psalm 90:12

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.
- Proverbs 16:9

Lazy rule: Can't reach it? Don't need it.

Women, children and cats are loved unconditionally.
Men and dogs are loved on condition that they provide something.

Be careful about online scams folks.
I ordered some expensive jewelry for my wife, and they sent me a new set of golf clubs.

Be selfish, fill your cup first and then you can be selfless and pour into others.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
- John 1:1

I asked my dog "what's seven minus seven?"

He said nothing.

The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

Psalm 23:1

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
– John 8:32

My wife’s leaving me because she thinks I’m obsessed with astronomy.

What planet is she on?

My grammar is not that bad.
Also my grandpa.

Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Jesus did.
- 1 John 2:6

All angels are ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation.
Hebrews 1:14

You are the CEO of your life. Hire, fire, and promote accordingly.

You're being judged no matter what, so be who you want to be.

What's the difference between Calculus and sex? Math nerds get Calculus.

Fake it until you make it.

I still have the memory of an elephant.

It was at the zoo.

Once you’re a parent, all plans you make are just tentative until they’re happening

"No man in his senses can hesitate in choosing to be free, rather than a slave."
~ Alexander Hamilton, 1774

You can tell a lot about a village by its idiot.

How do you tell if a vampire is sick?

By how much he is coffin.

Religion is the tool invented by the powerful to control the stupid.

I always list 911 as my emergency contact number. I hear they're the best!

Getting older means everything's too loud and also not loud enough.

My addiction to buying things I don’t need started at the Scholastic book fair.

That awkward moment when someone tries to correct you on something you clearly know more about.

Peaceful doesn't mean weak.