Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I have a tofu joke, but it's tasteless.

This morning I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop.

I must have a chess infection.

Every time I avoid eating Halloween candy I reward myself by eating Halloween candy.

Kinky as fuck and proud of it

You don't have to drive me crazy, I'm close enough to walk.

A wise man never reacts.

Every socialist is a disguised dictator.

Remember, it's illegal to expose the illegal things the government does.

Why did the house go to the doctor?

It was having window panes.

In science, a failed experiment is nothing but a new direction.

I asked her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

She slapped me and stormed off!

Anyway, I don't recommend wine tastings as a first date, it really seems to bother some girls for some reason.

The biggest scam in life is paying taxes on the money we make, paying taxes on money we spend, and taxes on things we own, that we already paid taxes on, with already taxed money.

You never too old to eat pussy.

My son's fourth birthday was today, but when he came to see me I didn't recognize him at first.

I'd never seen him be 4.

Expect nothing and you will receive it in abundance.

I'm not saying I drink too much caffeine, but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death....

Mary : i’m pregnant

Joseph : but we’ve never had sex??

Mary : you’re not gonna believe this..

The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.

Science is the organized skepticism in the reliability of expert opinion.

Dressing as cocaine this Halloween so someone will do me in the bathroom.

Direction is more important than speed.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SEX YOU PAY FOR AND SEX FOR FREE IS SEX YOU PAY FOR IS CHEAPER.

"Americans live in a world of pseudo-facts, which is created for them by their own media."
~ Professor Daniel Boorstin (Librarian of Congress, 1975-1987)

Being sober is bad for your faith in humanity.

Just remembered National Amnesia Day was yesterday.

I met my wife at a local chess tournament.

She made the first move.

Buying a digital camera is a positive thing.

There are no negatives.

I saw a Pakistani filling up his car at the garage.

He squeezed seven adults and fourteen children in.

If you want someone to think about you all day, wave at people you don’t know.

I never give up but I do take lots of breaks.

My sexual preference is often.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

- Robert Frost

If drinking and driving is illegal why are there parking lots at bars?

Things don't happen. Things are made to happen.

Find someone who understands your silence.

Just be real, it saves everyone’s time.

“Neither should a ship rely on one small anchor, nor should life rest on a single hope.”

Next time you hear something described as "Government-funded" remember that the government is 100% taxpayer-funded.

"Information is just bits of data. Knowledge is putting them together. Wisdom is transcending them."
~ Ram Dass

So after winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd, like they do on T.V.

Apparently, it's unacceptable in bowling.

At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.

"No. I always give 110%.”

After a long career my Spanish teacher retired.

Au revoir.

Silence is better than unnecessary drama.

"Everyday is a second chance."

I'd rather be funny than handsome...but good thing I'm both.

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982...

I wish my problems were as small as my wiener…..

Just made marble cake.

Anyone recommend a good dentist?

What do you call an Asian Dwayne Johnson?

The Wok.

It's all fun and games until your oversized shirts start fitting.

Rule No. 1: Never stop questioning.
Rule No. 2: Never forget rule No. 1.

Let your kindness change the world. Don't let the world change your kindness.

You tell the punchline first.

How do you mess up a joke?

I just got married but I’m not feeling great about it. For our “first dance” my wife choose the song:…

…”I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.”

My wife said that it doesn't look like I'm very good at shaving.

Bloody cheek!

Nothing is really lost until your wife can't find it.

You know your getting old and cranky when you buy a cereal for it's fibre content and not the free toy.

"How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?"

"Depends, into what?"

I asked my Chiropractor what kind of music he listens to.

He said mostly hip pop.

My hips don't lie, but the bitch they belong to is a different story.

Did you hear about the math teacher who opened a bakery? She makes surreally delicious pi-es and calculates just the right amount of icing for each slice.

I asked my dog if he had any summer vacation plans. He replied, "I'm just gonna stay pawsitive and chase my tail. Who needs a tropical destination when I have this built-in amusement park?"

How to avoid disappointment:

Avoid people.

I felt compelled to buy an air fryer today…I don’t even like fried air but it was a really good deal.

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist.
Boy, am I’m stuffed.

Did you hear what happened to the wooden car ?

It wooden go.

My wife gave birth in our car on the way to the hospital.

I named him Carson.

Follow those that seek the truth.
Run from those who claim they've found it.

My ex used to love coming home to find me naked on her bed.

Now she calls the police.

I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scanned it.

I'm currently on a restaurant date with a female boxer.

She's going for the ribs.

I told my wife, “Did you know Old MacDonald’s farm has been taken over by ChatGPT?”

Her: AI?

Me: AI.

Her: Oh.

Why are hallways in psychiatric hospitals called " hallways" ?

Shouldn't they be called psycho paths?

A wise man pretends to be a fool.

After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa she said “let’s take this upstairs”.

“Ok” I said “ You grab one end and I’ll grab the other”.

Fuck around and find out.

Fornicate about and thee shall discover.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

Looking for a married woman, recently cheated on, mad and scorned, whose willing to sell her husbands tools for cheap!

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.