Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My dog has been humping pillows… I think he learned it from watching me.

I’m just glad he’s still afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed.

People compare me to Chris Hemsworth. They say I look nothing like him.

Why not? Life is short.

Single mature guys — forget the young gals.

You need someone who can recognize the signs of a stroke.

Only dead fish swim with the stream.

Body: we’re going to bed.

Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep.

Do British flat earthers say the world is apartment?

Fact: Ten out of ten people die. Don't take life too seriously.

Physics is just spicy math.

"I love Worcestershire sauce."

"What's so special about it?"

"It's hard to say."

I'm in a musical about the Titanic.
I think it will go down well.

The average American thinks they're smarter than the average American.

a 31% discount sounds fantastic until u realize u cant afford the remaining 69%.

Учительница на уроке говорит детям:
- А это вы разберёте со своим репетитором.

Irish archaeologists have unearthed a tomb full of coins.

Crypt o'currency.

Lifehack:

Agree with people so they stop talking.

Age is just a number, maturity is a choice.

Lazy people accomplish more. Their laziness actually enables them to find the easiest quickest ways to get things done.

"Every poem should remind the reader that they are going to die."
~ Edgar Allan Poe

CFO asks CEO: “What happens if we invest in developing our people and they leave us?”

CEO: “What happens if we don’t, and they stay?”

Premise I: knowledge is power.

Premise II: power corrupts.

Conclusion: therefore, knowledge corrupts.

If SQL is the Sequel, what came before it?

“Everything hangs on one’s thinking… A man is as unhappy as he has convinced himself he is.”
— Seneca

My neighbour had five children called, 'Who, What, Where, When and Why'.

It made me think she's raising a lot of questions.

One should manage stress like a dog: if you can not play with it or eat it, pee on it and run away.

Why didn't the <div> get invited to the formal party?

Because it had no class!

Understanding is an art. And not everyone is an artist.

You know you're bored when you measure your own cock.

Now I'm bored AND disappointed.

There's far more money to be made in treating a disease than curing it.

I emailed myself a copy of the constitution and bill of rights so the US Government could read it.

My wife has new musical obsessions. 50 Cent, Nickelback, Sixpence non the Richer.

I think she's going through the change.

In the game of divide and conquer they keep us busy fighting each other instead of fighting them.

Дети в школу, виски в колу!

You don't need a weatherman to tell you where the wind blows, and you don't need a bureaucrat to tell you how to live your life.

Interviewer: So what did you like most about your old job?

Me: Mostly lunch breaks.

I've developed a rash on my upper leg , and everytime I scratch it, I hear music.

Doctor says it's spotty thigh.

A disastrous Thursday for the French:

Trajeudi.

I dated a Swiss girl, but broke up with her after visiting her hometown.

There were a load of red flags.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

"Only the small secrets need to be protected. The big ones are kept secret by public incredulity."
~ Marshall McCluhan

I knew I was popular after that party when I fell asleep and all the guys drew their faces on my dick.

The power to tax is the power to steal with impunity.

If an individual robber shouldn't have that power, neither should the state.

State badges and credentials don't moralize theft.

The problem with following the science is that quite often, the science follows the money.

At this point lunch and leaving are the only two good things about my job.

Overeaters Hotline: 888-888-8888

My brother just got a Star wars tattoo on his cheek.

You should see the Luke on his face.

Funny, those road signs: "Caution - Watch for children!"

I mean, how dangerous can a child be?

Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

We were taught to fear the witches instead of the ones who burned them, and I think that's the problem.

What's a vagina's favorite music genre?

Cuntry.

Dad, "Son, I named you after my father."
After my father, "I know. "

Her: Babe, can I be a stay at home wife?

Me: I don't care what you do when you get off work.

We were going to meet virtually, but neither of us had any virtue.

Here I am! What are your other two wishes?

My son: I got a D in my math

Me: That's really bad

My wife: You need to stop doing his homework

I tried dating a mathematician, but her x was impossible to solve.

I’m not lazy. I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.

How to know when something won’t be fun:

- Someone will say “come on, it’ll be fun”

People who think their government cares about them probably think strippers love them too.

How to alarm someone:

Say “I don’t mean to alarm you”

I was downtown when approached by a woman!

She said "how would you like to sleep with me for $100."

I said "I am not that tired but I could use the money!"

Some grammar tips.
Doesn't = does not.
They're = they are
You're = you are
My fire= the one desire
Believe= when I say
I want it= that way.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn't great”
Back home: “We won't go there again”

Them: You actually let your dog on the furniture?

Me: I'd let my dog borrow the car if he needed to.

What do software and churches have in common? First we build them, then we pray.
- Elon Musk

Knock knock
Who's there?
To
To who?
No, it's to whom..

My doctor asked me if my dick burned after sex. I told him I'd never tried lighting it.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.

My dick is a lot like California.

It bends to the side a little, and it's always burning.

Roses are red.
Bacon is savory.
The U.S. Tax code is legalized slavery.

Conspiracy joke:
My tinfoil hat has been more effective than your Covid mask.

"The best way to get rid of government waste is to stop giving it money."
- Ron Paul

"Libertarians: Keeping the government out of your bedroom and out of your wallet."
- Unknown

Me at work: I’ll figure it out eventually...

Just let me panic and be dramatic first

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

$ pip install commonsense

Public education is like being drunk: it makes you think you know more than what you actually do.

I quit my job as a town crier.

It was nothing to shout about.