Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you've proven that you are not an idiot.

Четки выдумали монахи, чтобы не мастурбировать хотя бы во время молитвы.

Еврейский атлет толкнул ядро на 300% дороже, чем на прошлой олимпиаде.

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?

One is in violation of the law and the other is a sick bird.

The wife brought home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some.
"How hard is it?" I asked.
She cheekily replied, "As hard as your willie when you're thinking about me naked!"
I said, "Go on then, pour me a glass"

Why don’t orphans play baseball?……. They can’t find home

Fitness experts recommend walking 10,000 steps per day to remain healthy.
That is an awful lot of trips to the fridge.

What kind of shoes do chickens wear??
Reebokbok's.

Думать, что маска помогает защититься от коронавируса, это все равно, что думать, что трусы помогают не обосраться.

Most of my family are police marksman, so it was a surprise my brother became a armed robber, at least he died surrounded by his family...

I'm going to go stand outside now.
...so if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

What has 50 heads & 50 tails?
A roll of pennies.

Don't forget to get offended today by some sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.

The owner of our local ice rink was crying and pulling his hair out. I think he’d had a meltdown

The State of California is reducing management "bloat" by merging departments...

The Highway Patrol and the Department of Fish & Wildlife will soon merge to become the Department of Fish & CHiPs.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.

How do you help your female sibling?
A sister.

I'm an optimist.
I didn't lose a sock in the dryer.
I found an extra one!

What happened when the wheel was invented? ... It caused a revolution

“Never regret anything that made you smile.”–

Me: I have many hidden talents.
Someone: Like what?
Me: I don't know. They're all hidden.

The way I miss sex
I even feel jealous when I put a key in a padlock.

Golf, except there's no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.

Life tip:

No matter how much you liked the soap - NEVER get caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.

Гибрид акулы с золотой рыбкой: исполняет три последних желания.

What’s the best way to count cows?
With a cowculator.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that does not fit any of your containers.

Asked my wife why she married me,she said" Because you're really funny" I said " I thought it was because I was good in bed"? Her reply "see you're hilarious "

You've got to love yourself. But not in public places.

I THOUGHT I WAS LOSING IT 🥴 how come?! I've got nothing to lose...

Has anyone tried that new 007 glue?
It Bonds in seconds.

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

What do you called a one legged woman?
Eileen.
What do you call a one legged Chinese woman?
Irene.

Her: “I'm leaving you because of your obsession with Africa puns!”
Him: “Uganda be kidding—Kenya be serious?”
Her: “I'm not joking.”
Him: “I've never Senegal like you.”
Her: “I can't endure this any longer—let's just split up.”
Him: “I'm Ghana miss you though.”

Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?

Bob The Builder has emigrated and set up a new business on a French Mediterranean island...
Can he fix it? Corsican!

What sort of music do frogs like? Hip Hop!

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

Why did JS Bach have so many children? Because he didn't have any organ stops.

- Доктор, те дорогие лекарства, что вы прописали, мне не помогли!
- А мне помогли.

Any idea if I can buy a fence on Facebook? I’ve seen a lot of good posts.

— Скажите, миллион — это много или мало?
— Мойша, это зависит от того, хочешь ты их заработать или потратить

Сделал вторую прививку спутника, из побочек только желание рассказать об этом в интернете.

I came here to do two things: 'Love' and quote Anastacia, and I’m outta love, set me free and let me out this misery.

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

Some friends of mine won't believe me that I can make cement, they've asked for concrete evidence.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

Q: Why is tennis such a loud sport?
A: The players raise a racquet.

Q: What is a ghosts favorite position in soccer?
A: Ghoul keeper.

Why did the basketball player go to jail?
Because he shot the ball.

I watched hockey before it was cool.
It was swimming. I watched swimming.

TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing
you off.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots
that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that
down. I'll remember it.”
#6 - “On time” is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for
ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.
. . . And one more: “One for the road” means peeing before you leave the
house.

I made my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.

I'm posing nude for an art class.
No one asked me to.
I think they're making ceramic bowls.

The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.

"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms

Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you're able to get away with.

No one will ever look at you the way I do... But that's probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window.

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

My love for you burns stronger than any urinary tract infection.

I've set my "life goals" to stuff I've already done so literally every day now I'm overachieving.
It's all about perspective.

Why wont the Russian musician sing songs about a river? The lyrics are too Volga.

CHOCOLATE doesn't ask stupid questions, chocolate just understands...

Как говорила учительница английского языка, Present Perfect, Past Continuous - это всё хорошо...
Но я знавала и лучшие времена.

Where would we be without rhetorical questions?

A pirate swaggers into a bar with a ship's wheel sticking out of his pants. One of the bar's patrons walked up to him and said "Pardon me, is that a ship's wheel?" The pirate replied, "Arrgh, it's drivin' me nuts."

Why does a smart phone need glasses ??
It lost all its contacts ....

The words "Do Not Touch" must be terrifying to read in Braille...😳

I got a dog named Sandwich.
Know why?
Cause he's half bred.

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare ahead and say,"Did you bring the money?"

Мужчинам нужно мало, но от многих, а женщинам много, но от несуществующих.

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free. And cake free.
OK it’s just rum.

To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!

The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.

How do you stop an astronaut's baby from crying?
You Rocket!

How many theoretical physicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the Universe.

How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

Being healthy means dying slowly.

Больше всего на Олимпиаде разочаровали соревнования во водным видам спорта: так никто и не утонул.