Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

The worst part about looking for a job is if you're successful, you end up with a job.

I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!

Gyms are full of people that haven't found the right couch.

DON'T JUDGE ME for the choices I make... when you don't know the options I had to choose from!

New marital Status update: Taken, but only for GRANTED.

Really discouraging that there's still bald people in sci fi movies.

My buddy catches fish with his mouth, he sits there patiently with baited breath.

“I have done nothing all summer but wait for myself to be myself again —”
— Georgia O’Keeffe

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.

Tener la posibilidad de herir a alguien que nos hirió y no hacerlo es lo que nos distingue de la gente mala.

Heard my neighbor yell "****" yesterday.
I thought this was impressive, because not many people can pronounce asterisks.

Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air... then you wave them like you just don’t care.

Софа была и умная и красивая, поэтому Сёма ждал подвоха в другом месте.

Не хотелось бы говорить о тебе плохо, но я не вижу другого способа поддержать увлекательную беседу.

My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.

Patient: Doctor I think i have 5 legs.… Doctor: Oh my!…how do your pants fit? Patient: like a glove…

Врать мне не нравится. Но иногда ложь очень выгодно оттеняет правду.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

После пятой рюмки я поняла: ОН ждет моего звонка!

My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.

interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live

My wife asked if our kids were spoiled. I said, “ I think most kids smell that way. “

What is a bigamist? A foggy day in Italy.

I had my patience tested.
I’m negative.

A mate of mine, he died in a bowl of Muesli, he drowned...No way, What happened ? He got dragged in by a strong current.

На собеседовании мне сказали:
- Для нашей компании вы несколько старомодны. Хотя лапти у вас красивые!

Warning: lakes and pools across the country have been found to contain high levels of dihydrogen monoxide, which is fatal if inhaled.

'Sugar'
is the only english word where 's' is pronounced as 'sh'...
I'm quite sure.

How did the hacker escape the police?

He just ransomware.

Одесса.
Объявление на калитке частного дома.
"Звонок не работает, дразните собаку."

I am having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I have forgotten this before.

DMV: Are you an organ donor?

Me:. Ma'am I don't even own a piano.

- Софа, сколько у вас было мужчин?
- Три.
- Хм... Не густо...
- Да уж, так себе денёк...

I was going to cook alligator for dinner, but realized that I only have a croc pot.

Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

Рыбалка в старости - это когда пьёшь водку возле аквариума.

What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?
Teacher says: “Spit out that gum!”
Train says: “Chew! Chew!”

Характер у меня золотой. Поэтому он такой тяжёлый.

Did you know that if male sheep and llamas are put in the same field they fight?
You end up with a ram-a-llama-ding-dong!

What is this movie about? It is about 2 hours long.

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

What’s a chef’s first job after culinary school?
Finding an entree-level position.

I've tried several times, but I can't pet a cat without plotting world domination.

I like to help people find things by pointing out that its gotta be around here somewhere.

I was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades.

Плохих мужей не бывает… бывает первый, второй, третий…

Today’s society is a good example of what happens when you let clowns run the circus!

Reality just called, so I hung up .

My friend said he was thinking of buying a car with a transparent driving wheel.
I told him to steer clear.

My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.

My new voicemail: If you've reached this recording, please hang up and text me because I haven't checked my voicemail since 2005.

Had to quit my job as a glass blower.
I inhaled, and now I have a pane in my chest.

The religious right wants to ban masturbation in America . But even if they get their way, Americans will still take the law into their own hands !

So I asked the waitress, “Do you have crab legs?”
She said “yes”
I said , “it must be hell finding stockings “

Full disclosure: My late father worked on and off as a stripper. He also did refinishing and other carpentry work.

I won a car on Wheel of Fortune. I'm about to take it for a spin.

Did you hear about the victims in Scotland? Someone kilt them.

Someone crashed into a power pole. Something tells me they won't take that line down.

One cup asks another if he wants to see which once can hold most coffee. The other says, "no, that's a mug's game".

Where does Willy Wonka ask for forgiveness?
Confection.

What’s a scientist’s favorite gum?
Ex-spearmint.

A friend of mine had trouble evenly slicing a dessert.
When I did it, it was a piece of cake.

I screwed up my back investigating alien activity for the FBI.
I have Scully-osis.

Truckers are esteemed members of society. Even their license calls them Class C.

What's the devil's favorite mayonnaise?
Hellmann's.

No wonder people don't like the SSA.
It's ass, backwards.

I thought my friend was pregnant, but it turns out she wasn't.
It was just a missed conception.

Штирлиц шел по цветочной улице и ника не мог оторвать глаза от мостовой. Это былы глаза Плейшнера.

Not sure why anyone would move to Casper, WY.
It's a ghost town.

What day do fish prefer to get caught?
Throwback Thursday.

Two carpenters competed against each other to see who could build the most steps in a set amount of time.
It was a stairing contest.

What kind of car does a rich cow drive?
A Cattlelac.

I don't enjoy making puns about fractions.
But I'll make 1 if I halve 2.

The Venus de Milo was a great statue, but I’m not so sure it holds up...

What type of gum does Jesus chew?
Holy Spearmint.

Why didn't Edward return to America?
He was Snowden.

I took a leek at the Farmer's Market.
People were pissed.

What do gamblers call a craps table?
Pair o' dice.

My wife pointed out when I farted.
It was an ass toot observation.

Rumor has it a Friends reunion is in the works...
They better not be Phoebing.