Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Witch student: Curse these fractions!
Witch math teacher: You can't hexadecimal.

What do you call a person who’s afraid of livestock?
A COWard!

Problem with liquidity in US Financial markets is the Treasury not producing enough low denomination coins. Doesn't make cents.

Did you know Mortal Kombat was based on an old Scandinavian folk song?
It was a Finish Hymn.

Why do dragons sleep all day?
So they can fight knights!

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea.

They say a QUEUE is just a Q, followed by four silent letters...
But, they're just waiting their turn.

I have been keeping bees for a few months now. I get quite a buzz out of it.

"Sometimes you have to talk so that the silence doesn't say everything."
~ Herta Müller

The film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the F word 506 times.
I beat that record on the weekend, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.

Брак похож на американскую армию в Афганистане.
Поздно уйдешь и ты потратишь кучу денег и времени напрасно.

Afterism - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.

Если согласен быть марионеткой,- не жалуйся, что ты весь издёрганный...

A friend was in a band called the Powdered Potatoes. They had a smash hit.

Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.

At Grandads Funeral we decided to bury him vertically.
Plot twist.

My Wife wants to go out dressed as a Vulture this evening.
Over my dead body.

It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn't nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...

Husband:Are you ready yet love? We need to leave now if we’re going to be on time to see Les Miserables.
Wife: I’m coming dear, and I really wish you wouldn’t refer to our visits to my parents like that Pierre!!

If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.

I may hate waiting but I love procastinating.

A Cadburys lorry and a Lego truck have collided on the motorway.
Police say the road is choc a block...

There is a skunk that regularly attends our church services.
It has it's own pew.

Im optimistic in a pessimistic way.

МХАТ. Бузова играет в спектакле "Дядя Ваня" и на сцене делает минет Вайницкому. Зал в тишине молча смотрит. Через 10 минут встает пожилая театралка и произносит:
— Милочка, ну что вы чавкаете, ЭТО ЖЕ ЧЕХОВ!

— Доктор, у меня после операции странный шов на животе образовался.
— Это, голубчик, теперь у Вас рот.

— Что у тебя вообще за профессия такая — кинолог?
— Не твоё собачье дело.

Have some fun with your life... call in sick to places you don't even work at.

Why is it so hard for companies to do inventory in Afghanistan ? Because of the tally ban !

– Кто такой экскаватор?
– Это бывший каватор.

We went to downtown Washington, D. C. yesterday to see the Museum of Government Camouflage and Clandestine Activities, but we couldn't find it!

A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.

what's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.

И что я буду иметь за свое бескорыстие?

I met a couple of friendly lumberjacks.
Nice fellers.

My friend tried to convince me that yoga is a workout...
I told him it's a bit of a stretch.

What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight? Sir Render.

- Доктор, я не испытываю оргазм со своим мужем.
- А с другими мужчинами?
- Испытываю, это — болезнь?
- Нет, просто обыкновенное блядство.

Жить стало настолько веселее, что никто уже и не мечтает жить лучше.

My dentist joined the army and they made him a Drill Sergeant.

The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.

Два пожилых ирландца стоят на дублинской улице против дверей публичного дома. И вот они видят, что из этого заведения выходит раввин. Один из приятелей говорит другому: "В глубокой древности они заблудились в пустыне и до сих пор блуждают". Через некоторое время из той же двери выходит протестантский пастор. Второй ирландец говорит первому: "Видишь, отступление от истинного вероучения ведет к прямому нарушению заповедей Божиих". Но вот на пороге публичного дома появляется католический патер. Долгая пауза, и тогда один из приятелей произносит: "Наверное, какая-то из здешних девочек смертельно больна..."

- У тебя вообще с женщинами что-нибудь серьезное было?
- Да, один раз даже до суда дошло.

“All religion, my friend, is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry.”
― Edgar Allan Poe

For $5 I'll comment on your exes new relationship photos saying "you've had better".

Duct tape.
Say no more.

Если тебя всё время носят на руках, осыпают цветами и дарят бриллианtы —
просыпайся, а то на работу опоздаешь!

I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.

I’m delighted to say I’m the new chairman of the British Card Games Society after a snap election.

So, what do you call a check written out to one of your friends?
Check Mate.

Молодой муж говорит жене:
- Я тебя сделаю самой счастливой женщиной на земле.
- Так же говорили мои предыдущие мужья. Покойные.

I feel like as if for what that I sometimes but not all the time I use too many words in a sentence that I don’t really necessarily have to or need to.

To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.

Принимать людей такими, как они есть проще, если ты уже принял!

Утренняя гимнастика не заменяет утреннею эрекцию...

The defendant in a coffee theft trial refused to testify on the grounds that could incriminate him.

What do you call an explosive monkey? A ba-boom.

A friend's business "Cooking with Spices" has not been successful. His bank have called in the bay leafs.

Why do bakers always carry extra cash?
Because they never know when a bit of extra dough might be kneaded!

Last night I performed at a viagra benefit hardest gig I ever done.

Just so everyone's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on..

So at the age of 74, Arnold Schwarzenegger is amazing in the new Terminator film.
The only difference is his catchphrase which has been changed to... "Arrhh me back!"

Why are large maps rubbish at playing poker? They always fold.

– Циля, а где Сёма?
– Дома, со своим четвероногим другом.
– Как? У вас разве есть собака?
– У нас нет собаки, у нас есть диван.

Today I'm not going to work, because I'm sick.
SICK OF MY JOB!

Wow, aren’t some animals amazing? Just passed a hospital, and a sign outside read ‘Guard dogs operate at this hospital’.

About to cook asparagus for the first time. Does anyone have any tips?

Un borracho está bebiendo copa tras copa, se le acerca un amigo y le dice:
- ¿Tu no sabes que el alcohol mata a un millón de americanos cada año?
Entonces le contesta el borracho:
- ¿Y qué? Tu ya sabes que yo soy español.

"Will you marry me" is a marriage proposal.
"Will, you, Mary, me" is a foursome proposal.

A sister can never ask her brother for help because you cant be her brother and assist her too.

Women are like the police. They can have all the evidence in the world, but still want a confession.

My girlfriend said she needs time and space. I think she's calculating velocity. She's so smart.

If you think someone is staring at you:
1. Yawn
2. If they yawn, they were staring.

How do fleas travel? They itch hike.

How do you locomotives know where to go?
Lots of training.

В афганском Твиттере оппонентов не банят, а талибанят.

Женская логика создана для того, чтобы офигела мужская психика…

I have one of those 3D Kindles.
Also called a book.