Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

"I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over.
Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can't see from the center."
Kurt Vonnegut

Did you know the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?

Рaньшe никoгдa нe зaпивaл и нe зaкуcывaл aлкoгoль. Moл, нacтoлькo крeпкий пaрeнь, чтo мнe этo ни к чeму. Teпeрь, кoгдa мeня cпрaшивaют, пoчeму я нaчaл зaкуcывaть, я кивaю влeвo. Oбычнo тaм cидит мoя жeнa, и я oчeнь плoxo пoмню, oткудa oнa взялacь.

I’m sick of being single.
I’m going to a funeral tomorrow!

So my mate asked me: "Why do you keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge?"
I said: "It's in case someone wants a black coffee".

A woman dies. In heaven she sees a large Wall full of Clocks.
She asks angel: What are these for?
Angel answers: These are Lie Clocks, every person has a lie clock! Whenever you lie on earth, clock moves.
The woman points towards a clock and asks: Whose clock is this? ...
Angel says: Its Mother Teresa's. It never moved, showing that she never told lie.
The woman asks: Where are the clocks of Married men?
The angel replies: Those are in our office, We use them as 'OFFICE FANS'
She then asked, what about the Married women?
The angel replied,
'those are kept out... they are generating electricity...!!

Don't forget the 'r' when you're Googling 'Movies of Gary Oldman'.
I know this now.

Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early.

В семье знатного лорда был мальчик, который с рождения
не разговаривал. И вот однажды, за завтраком, в 16 лет, он,
пробуя чай, говорит:
— Что за...! Почему чай холодный?!?!
Все сразу:
— Сынуля! Ты заговорил!!! Радость то какая!! Почему ты до сих пор молчал???
— До сих пор все было в порядке...

Do you know why cute people are busy?
Will tell you later.
Am busy now.

Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that's all I need to know about that.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.

Being in quarantine with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot glued to your shoulder.

Sometimes I run my hands through my wife's hair. It's a nice way to show her my love...and that we're also out of napkins.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning. I don't know whose side I am on.

My dog has a lot of potential. You just have to unleash it.

I got up at 5am, ran 5 miles, and then ate a veggie smoothie for breakfast... I don't remember the rest of the nightmare.

Why do zombies speak Latin? It's a dead language.

What is the opposite of Antarctica?
Uncle Arctica.

Disappointment.
Running into a wall with an erection and breaking your nose.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a total rip-off.

What’s iron man without his suit?
Stark Naked.

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio.

For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

— В чем разница между еврейской мамой и мафией?
— С мафией можно договориться!

Someone asked me why that one brand of eggs is called Happy, and I said maybe because they just got laid.

I was a bit surprised when a policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
Apparently, he wants me to trace someone for him.

Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea.
Trust me on this.

Sometimes I like to live dangerously and respond to new emails immediately.

Did you hear about the explosion at the discount clothing store? There were casual-tees everywhere…

After opening this month's electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.

A statistician drowned whilst wading across a river.
Someone told him that on average it was three feet deep.

During the bronze age, everyone in the Olympics came in third.

Закончив приставания извинениями, можно обидеть любую женщину.

Q: Where do werewolves buy Christmas gifts?
A: Beast Buy.

Nothing is impossible?

I disagree. I'm doing nothing right now.

Behind every successful man there is a woman!
Need more success?
Increase the number of women!

Did you hear about the cheese that saved the world?
It was legendairy!

I'm heading to Greenwich later tonight.

Wondering what I should do in the Mean Time? 🤔

If MissIssippi wore a New Jersey what did Delaware ? … (Alaska and she’ll tell😂)

CAN YOU COUNT?
If you have a bowl with 6 apples and you take away 4, how many do you have? => the 4 you took!

My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...

"Swarm."

If the orchestra went to a fancy restaurant without their maestro, would they know how to...
...conduct themselves?

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

- Пациент, почему вы так орёте? Я ещё даже не притронулся к вашему больному зубу!
- Доктор, вы локтем мне яйца придавили!

The rules of the superglue club are very strict, but everyone adheres to them.

My mother's sister is with child. Is she expectaunt or pregnaunt?

Q: What Spanish body part is needed to play a violin?
A: El bow.

A man goes to a strip club with an alligator. He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman. "I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."

Dad - Hey! You know how to count to three in Roman numerals?
Family member - I, II, III...?
Dad - You don't have to stutter, just say you don't know!

К тридцати годам у женщины формируется образ принца, под который подходит любой козёл...

Words of Encouragement...
If you ever feel like trash, remember...
It's Garbage Can,
Not Garbage Can't

Клуб любителей пассивной агрессии и сарказма ждет тебя. Только тебя и ждёт.

—Hija, te traje dos cajas de Nutella.
—Gracias papá, ¡eres el mejor!
—Bueno, ahora duérmete que mañana tienes que salir a venderlas.

How many 16-year-olds does it take to change a light bulb?
"Whatever."

What did the sushi say to the bumblebee?
Wasabi.

An artist who is in a hurry wants to draw a tree.
So he draws a tree and leaves.

My girlfriend asked me "if you were stranded on a desert island who would you most like to be with?" "My friend George" "Why?" "Because he's got a boat"

I am dissapointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."

I do puns about Michael Jackson
they are
Bad (Really Really Bad).

Judge to defendant - "Have you ever been up before me?"
Defendant - "I'm not sure, what time do you normally wake up?"

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast.

If you need help with English,
I'm hear!

There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.

How do horses stay in such great shape?
They keep a stable diet.

Which kinds of snakes are found on cars? Windshield vipers!

Q: How do bees get to school?
A: By school buzz!

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosive.

A dragon would never explode but a dino might.

“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late.

I was going to share a vegetable joke but it’s corny.

- Я тебя люблю!
- А ты у психотерапевта была?
- Нет.
- Тогда не считается.

- Вася, ты почему вчера не был в школе? – спрашивает учительница.
- Потому что мы вчера нашего дедушку хоронили.
- Не ври, я вчера видела твоего дедушку в окне.
- Да это его папа выставил – пенсию должны были принести.

Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.

Q. What is the difference between a group of sea lions and frat boys at a kegger?
A. The sea lions don't try to drive home.

Прежде чем жаловаться на странные словосочетания в английском - вспомните, что в русском языке вы пьете таблетки.

A snail was mugged by two turtles. The police asked the snail, “What happened?” The snail responded “I don’t know! It all happened so fast!”

Shakespeare wrote all his plays with a pencil not sure if it was 2B or not 2B.

I was so upset when I found out I had been cloned.
I was totally beside myself.