Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Дамочка у ceкcопатолога:
— Доктор, меня никто не может удовлетворить. Я все время хочу!
— Ну, выйдите замуж.
— Я замужем.
— Ну тогда заведите любовника.
— Уже шесть.
— Ну тогда... Тогда вы просто удивительная женщина!
— Тогда дайте мне справку, что я удивительная женщина. А то все
вокруг — блядь да блядь...

- Яша, сколько же мы с вами уже знакомы?
- Ой, Розочка, таки пока ещё ни разу!

Объявление в Древнем Египте: Требуются рабочие. Не пирамида!

You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally.
Do it when you are offered food.

С одной стороны стакан наполовину полон, а с другой стороны - дно.

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

Think I’m sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care.

If laughter is the best medicine, then your face might be healing the world.

What is the fleas favorite way to travel?
Itch hiking.

Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I'm already on.

-Папа, а кто такой Карл Маркс? -Он экономист!
-Как наша тетя Софа?
-Нет, наша тетя Софа старший экономист!

-Боря, так вы хотите стать моим зятем?
-Честно говоря Роза Марковна таки нет! Но я не вижу другого способа жениться на вашей Софе.

Dad holding up
a chunk of lettuce on his fork:
You may think this is a wedge of lettuce, but it’s really just the tip of the iceberg!

Why are most photographers pessimists?
They focus on the negatives.

Лайфхак психолога.
Работать за смешные деньги станет намного легче, если представить, что вы клоун!

- Где вы храните сбережения?
- В рублях.
- Отличное место, никто не догадается искать их там!

Before I have a dangerous coffee, I like to have safe tea first.

So a black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender asks: "Would like food with that?"
The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater".

Isn't It Ironic?
My wife was trying to explain to me that I didn't know what irony meant, which was ironic because I had just taken a shower.

Know what’s ironic?
A computer asking me if I’m a robot.

If I promise to miss you, will you go, like, really far away?

I have no problems with keeping a secret. It is the people who I tell those secrets to, who can't stay hush.

It is an irony that the math book looks so happy despite having so many problems.

To the lad who stole my weight loss pills...
You'll have nothing to gain.

If someone wants to try to steal my Special Rabbits Foot, then good luck to them.

What do you call someone with a small penis?
Justin!

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."

I wish you were soap so I could feel you all over me.

Q. What kind of Bees produce milk?
A. Boobees.

Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.

Sometimes i wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions.

I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.

I asked my boss "What do you want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?"
He replied, "Just pop it in the corner".
4 hours it took me!

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats. This phenomenon is known as many paws.

My French teacher, who wasn't very good, is finally leaving!
Adios amigo!

A horse walks in to a bar.
The bartender says "hey".
The horse says, "sure".

What's the three most important words for every married man. It's my fault.

Фима недолюбливал Розу, поэтому её долюбливал Яша.

So I bought a new refrigerator the other day and put the old one in my front garden with a sign saying: `Free if you want it, take it'.
It sat there for three days.. no one wanted it.
I then changed the sign to: `For sale £50'.
The next day somebody stole it!

When you talk to your wife, remember that:
"This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes"

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair… Kill her!!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to kill him with the chair!”

I used to sell furniture for a living. I was doing well... until it finished. Because it was my own!

How did the pillow avoid jail time? He had a strong case.

For her birthday, I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.
Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.

—Lo mejor del sexo son los abrazos de después.
—Tú no has follado, ¿a que no?
—No. Pero me lo imagino.

Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.

Звонок с работы:
- Ты где?
- На Удалёнке, у неё и заночую.

В России нынче не две беды, а одна:
дураки слишком дóроги..

I said to my mate: "I saw an octopus rob a bank this morning!"
He said: "Did he have a gun?"
I said: "No, but he was well armed"

Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.
– Mark Twain

There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told.
Edgar Allan Poe

Пират Джон Сильвер был первым человеком, у кого были деньги на карте.

I went to Wal-Mart the other day to get a little cooler. But then I realized, I cant get any cooler.

Bloke go's to doctor for a vasectomy, doctor says "if you have a vasectomy you won't have kids"
Bloke says its okay.
So doctor gives him a vasectomy.
Bloke goes home to find his kids were still there...

Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.

"Where do fruits go on vacation?" "Pear-is!"

I know a guy from Paris who can only count up to 7.
He has a wheat allergy.

Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.

A big shout out to all the dudes in the adult film industry. They're always working hard.

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together
The man received a full treatment, a haircut, shave, shampoo, and styling.
After he was done, he placed the boy in the chair.
'I'm going to buy a tie to wear for tonight's party, alright?' he asked. 'I'll be back in a few minutes.'
'Sure,' the boy said.
By the time the boy was finished with the haircut, the man still hadn't returned.
'Looks like your dad forgot about you little man,' the barber said.
'That wasn't my dad,' the boy said. 'He just walked up, took me by the hand, and told me we were gonna get a free haircut.'

A mother in law said too her sons wife " I don't mean to be rude but the baby doesn't look like my son " The wife then lifted up her skirt and said " I don't mean to be rude either but it's a Fanny not a photocopier"

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

I have a friend that's a pilot although when we're together, I usually drive because it takes him 45 minutes to back out of the driveway.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.
I’ve said it before.

Why did the clown's wife file for divorce?
She was over IT...

You need to be gentle with diamonds. They've been under a lot of pressure.

Когда я выйду на пенсию, то абсолютно ничего не буду делать. Первые месяцы
просто буду сидеть в кресле-качалке.
- А потом?
- А потом начну раскачиваться.

I can never understand what mountain climbers are saying, it must be their ascent.

What restaurants are vampires terrified to eat at?

Stake Houses.

How the most tragic Olympics joke begins: A gymnast walks into a bar…

How do you make pigs fly?

...Swine Flu!

I think we should leave the status quo as it is.

80% женщин любят мужчин с кубиками на прессе. 80% мужчин с кубиками на прессе не любят женщин.

What do you call a deer with no eyes???
Blind!!!!

My tire went flat yesterday. So I went to the bowling alley so I could pick up a spare.

- Ну почему вы такой медленный?! Вы хоть что-нибудь умеете делать быстро?!
- Да! Я быстро устаю!

Человек - кузнец своего счастья. Если хочешь быть счастливым - иди накуй!
© Древняя одесская мудрость

“The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them.”
~Stephen King