Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

So I bought a new refrigerator the other day and put the old one in my front garden with a sign saying: `Free if you want it, take it'.
It sat there for three days.. no one wanted it.
I then changed the sign to: `For sale £50'.
The next day somebody stole it!

When you talk to your wife, remember that:
"This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes"

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair… Kill her!!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to kill him with the chair!”

I used to sell furniture for a living. I was doing well... until it finished. Because it was my own!

How did the pillow avoid jail time? He had a strong case.

For her birthday, I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.
Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.

—Lo mejor del sexo son los abrazos de después.
—Tú no has follado, ¿a que no?
—No. Pero me lo imagino.

Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.

Звонок с работы:
- Ты где?
- На Удалёнке, у неё и заночую.

В России нынче не две беды, а одна:
дураки слишком дóроги..

I said to my mate: "I saw an octopus rob a bank this morning!"
He said: "Did he have a gun?"
I said: "No, but he was well armed"

Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.
– Mark Twain

There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told.
Edgar Allan Poe

Пират Джон Сильвер был первым человеком, у кого были деньги на карте.

I went to Wal-Mart the other day to get a little cooler. But then I realized, I cant get any cooler.

Bloke go's to doctor for a vasectomy, doctor says "if you have a vasectomy you won't have kids"
Bloke says its okay.
So doctor gives him a vasectomy.
Bloke goes home to find his kids were still there...

Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.

"Where do fruits go on vacation?" "Pear-is!"

I know a guy from Paris who can only count up to 7.
He has a wheat allergy.

Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.

A big shout out to all the dudes in the adult film industry. They're always working hard.

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together
The man received a full treatment, a haircut, shave, shampoo, and styling.
After he was done, he placed the boy in the chair.
'I'm going to buy a tie to wear for tonight's party, alright?' he asked. 'I'll be back in a few minutes.'
'Sure,' the boy said.
By the time the boy was finished with the haircut, the man still hadn't returned.
'Looks like your dad forgot about you little man,' the barber said.
'That wasn't my dad,' the boy said. 'He just walked up, took me by the hand, and told me we were gonna get a free haircut.'

A mother in law said too her sons wife " I don't mean to be rude but the baby doesn't look like my son " The wife then lifted up her skirt and said " I don't mean to be rude either but it's a Fanny not a photocopier"

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

I have a friend that's a pilot although when we're together, I usually drive because it takes him 45 minutes to back out of the driveway.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.
I’ve said it before.

Why did the clown's wife file for divorce?
She was over IT...

You need to be gentle with diamonds. They've been under a lot of pressure.

Когда я выйду на пенсию, то абсолютно ничего не буду делать. Первые месяцы
просто буду сидеть в кресле-качалке.
- А потом?
- А потом начну раскачиваться.

I can never understand what mountain climbers are saying, it must be their ascent.

What restaurants are vampires terrified to eat at?

Stake Houses.

How the most tragic Olympics joke begins: A gymnast walks into a bar…

How do you make pigs fly?

...Swine Flu!

I think we should leave the status quo as it is.

80% женщин любят мужчин с кубиками на прессе. 80% мужчин с кубиками на прессе не любят женщин.

What do you call a deer with no eyes???
Blind!!!!

My tire went flat yesterday. So I went to the bowling alley so I could pick up a spare.

- Ну почему вы такой медленный?! Вы хоть что-нибудь умеете делать быстро?!
- Да! Я быстро устаю!

Человек - кузнец своего счастья. Если хочешь быть счастливым - иди накуй!
© Древняя одесская мудрость

“The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them.”
~Stephen King

- Ты знаешь, Роза, Боря с третьего подъезда таки не еврей.
- С чего это, Фира, ты взяла?
- Я тебе, Роза, так скажу: эту новость я таки не из пальца высосала.

Три минуты смеха над начальником заменяют квартальную
премию, пять минут смеха - 13-ю зарплату.

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.

By the way I do NOT have an obsession with tidiness.
I just wanted to clear that up.

Если подарил себя без остатка, значит недорого стоил.

Да пошлёт тебе Бог в помощь дурака!
Еврейское проклятие

Why did d Mexican push his wife off the roof??
Tequila.

Having children is like having hobos in your home.
"Can I have a dollar?!?"
"I only have one shoe!!"

— Моя фамилия Пук.
— Как?
— Hе Как, а Пук.

The cheapest of all meat in the supermarket was deer meat. It was all less than a buck.

I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road.
Just in case they are in the middle of a race.

- Why is that aircraft flying towards the ocean?
- Have a good look, it's plane to sea.

I stared at a ford because it said focus.

Sang to myself in an elevator once. It was quite uplifting.

A friend of mine isn't much of an organ donor, but he did give a piano to the local charity shop.

Anyone ever eat kangaroo meat??
I can’t.
Makes me jumpy!

My wife told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday...
I'll tell her it's pronounced 'spade' when I give it to her later...

I never, ever make sweeping generalizations.

My car's ignition is broken. How angry am I?

Don't get me started.

I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.

He has trouble introducing himself in France.

Don't let anyone ruin your day.
You're an adult.
Do it yourself.

The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.

You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...

Cop 1: This murder seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime?
Cop 1: Of course I hate crime. That’s why I became a cop.

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!

My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

О пользе витаминов: только когда Адам съел яблоко, у него появилась эрекция.

My wife was just involved in a car crash, she told the police that the man was on his phone and drinking a can of larger, the police said he can do whatever he likes in his own house.

Now that I have my Drivers License, I seem to be more popular than ever, Everytime I go through a red light people honk and wave.

Why are Fireman's Balls bigger than Policeman's Balls?
Cause they sell more tickets.

What is green and white and hops??

Frog sandwich on white bread.

Best sign to put on a badly parked car:
The way you pulled in makes me wish your daddy had pulled out!

How many Lowes would Rob Lowe rob, if Rob Lowe could rob Lowes?

My neighbor is in to archery. For her birthday, her boyfriend made a container for her arrows. She now says that of all the men she has dated, he is the first to make her quiver.

Went to my dentist and I told him my teeth were yellow. He told me to wear a Brown neck tie.

I don't exercise when I'm sick.
My nose does the running for me.

Сколько женщину ни корми, она все равно себе бикини купит.

Why do I enjoy hearing bad puns?
I groan up listening to them.

We've been married so long, we're on our second bottle of tobasco sauce.

My wife said if I was half a man I would take the kids to the circus. I said if I was half a man I'd be IN the circus.