Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

- Ты знаешь, Роза, Боря с третьего подъезда таки не еврей.
- С чего это, Фира, ты взяла?
- Я тебе, Роза, так скажу: эту новость я таки не из пальца высосала.

Три минуты смеха над начальником заменяют квартальную
премию, пять минут смеха - 13-ю зарплату.

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.

By the way I do NOT have an obsession with tidiness.
I just wanted to clear that up.

Если подарил себя без остатка, значит недорого стоил.

Да пошлёт тебе Бог в помощь дурака!
Еврейское проклятие

Why did d Mexican push his wife off the roof??
Tequila.

Having children is like having hobos in your home.
"Can I have a dollar?!?"
"I only have one shoe!!"

— Моя фамилия Пук.
— Как?
— Hе Как, а Пук.

The cheapest of all meat in the supermarket was deer meat. It was all less than a buck.

I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road.
Just in case they are in the middle of a race.

- Why is that aircraft flying towards the ocean?
- Have a good look, it's plane to sea.

I stared at a ford because it said focus.

Sang to myself in an elevator once. It was quite uplifting.

A friend of mine isn't much of an organ donor, but he did give a piano to the local charity shop.

Anyone ever eat kangaroo meat??
I can’t.
Makes me jumpy!

My wife told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday...
I'll tell her it's pronounced 'spade' when I give it to her later...

I never, ever make sweeping generalizations.

My car's ignition is broken. How angry am I?

Don't get me started.

I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.

He has trouble introducing himself in France.

Don't let anyone ruin your day.
You're an adult.
Do it yourself.

The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.

You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...

Cop 1: This murder seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime?
Cop 1: Of course I hate crime. That’s why I became a cop.

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!

My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

О пользе витаминов: только когда Адам съел яблоко, у него появилась эрекция.

My wife was just involved in a car crash, she told the police that the man was on his phone and drinking a can of larger, the police said he can do whatever he likes in his own house.

Now that I have my Drivers License, I seem to be more popular than ever, Everytime I go through a red light people honk and wave.

Why are Fireman's Balls bigger than Policeman's Balls?
Cause they sell more tickets.

What is green and white and hops??

Frog sandwich on white bread.

Best sign to put on a badly parked car:
The way you pulled in makes me wish your daddy had pulled out!

How many Lowes would Rob Lowe rob, if Rob Lowe could rob Lowes?

My neighbor is in to archery. For her birthday, her boyfriend made a container for her arrows. She now says that of all the men she has dated, he is the first to make her quiver.

Went to my dentist and I told him my teeth were yellow. He told me to wear a Brown neck tie.

I don't exercise when I'm sick.
My nose does the running for me.

Сколько женщину ни корми, она все равно себе бикини купит.

Why do I enjoy hearing bad puns?
I groan up listening to them.

We've been married so long, we're on our second bottle of tobasco sauce.

My wife said if I was half a man I would take the kids to the circus. I said if I was half a man I'd be IN the circus.

Why do they call it a hot water heater, when hot water doesn’t need to be heated?

Why do they call it tourist season if you can't shoot them ?

- Девушка, можно с вами познакомиться?
- Я лесбиянка.
- Без проблем, я веду себя как баба.

Ищи красивых среди умных, а не наоборот.

Man goes in a bar. Usually just chips n alcohol but now mangoes.

Phone rings
Me: Hello?
Caller: Hi this is a courtesy call is your refrigerator running?
Me: No its just chillin.

Robin Hoods brother is also well known in the hometown. His name is Neighbour.

How much do pirates pay for piercings?
Just a buck an ear.

Why do they call it a Driveway when you park in it ?

What do hedgehogs say when they hug?
Ouch!

I threw some pills and accidentally broke one of my windows.
I didn't realize they're pane killers.

If being sexy was a crime,
I’d be arrested.
Then released for lack of evidence..

Q: What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates?
A: A tearjerker.

What do you call a joke that doesn't work?
Dud joke.

Why dont Eskimos use computers? Because the screens always freeze.

Beer doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean !
Against bars, tables, chairs, walls.

How do spacemen tie their shoes? They use astro knots.

Патологоанатомы утверждают, что внутренняя красота человека сильно преувеличена.

Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes".
Man: "I wish for a world without lawyers".
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes".
Man: "But you said 3".
Genie: "Sue me!"

Los mejores regalos no se envuelven, se desvisten.

Did you know that Viagra is now being given to the elderly in care homes, apparently it stops them rolling out of bed.

I really want to know what the lowest rank in the army is, but everyone keeps telling me it's private.

If flying is so safe why is the airport called the terminal ?

WalMart is giving away free school clothes to anyone that can outrun security.

A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says "a pint for me, please, and one for the road".

A Middle Eastern market is opening up in our neighborhood.
How bazaar is that?

Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos.
She really just needed a shoulder to crayon.

I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked, "Do you want to hear today's special?"
I said, "Yes please."
Waiter: "No problem, sir. Today is special."

She gave birth on the stairs..
i call it a stepchild.

I was going to cook alligator for dinner but realized I only had a croc pot.

Wife: "You hate my relatives!"
Husband: "No, I don’t!, in fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine."

Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.

What is the difference between God and a doctor????? God does not think he is a doctor.

Краткость мать много чего. Экономии слов, например.

В спорте важно не только победить самого себя, но и не проиграть сопернику.

Scientists are trying to find ways of harnessing more power from the sun but it wont happen overnight.

Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger's leg you can actually hear them say "What the hell are you doing?

Age is an issue of mind over matter. So if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter!

Q: What's the definition of a Yankee?
A: Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.

I miss my ex-girlfriend, we split up over her constant habit of counting..
Wonder what she’s up to now..