Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.
No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

— Беня, я гарантирую вам, шо через пять лет мы будем жить лучше, чем в Европе!
— А шо у них случится?

I grew up listening to music that demeaned women, glorified violence and normalized criminal behavior. I know it definitely influenced the culture around me.
Thankfully, I stopped listening to country music and found hip hop.

What does Canada do with all their hardened and dangerous criminals?
They give them hockey jerseys and call them our National Hockey Team.

Two criminals are walking in the woods late at night.
It’s especially dark tonight, and the wind is howling.
After a while, one of the criminals leans over and says “Its pretty scary out, huh?”
His partner tells him “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

A criminal is to be executed by electric chair and the priest asks whether he has a last request.
The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

What's the difference between Smart Criminals and Dumb Criminals?
Dumb Criminals break laws.
Smart Criminals make laws.

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.

Why does organized crime have that common criminals don't?
A con-census.

I made a list of all the prostitutes and criminals in my area.
It’s my pros and cons list.

How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He reached ESCAPE VELOCITY.

If being cool was illegal I'd be a criminal.
Not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife.

How does a criminal prosecutor fix a half-baked closing statement?
She puts it into a conviction oven.

What is A criminal group of kangaroos called?
A Gangaroo.

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

I was applying for citizenship in Australia, and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal background".
I replied, "No, is that still a requirement".

"Y'know, I'm a criminal in 72 countries."
"How so?"
"Well, for starters, I'm gay."

What do hookers and criminals have in common.
They’ve both been in hand cuffs.

What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?
Ass crack.

Why was the overweight kid proud of his family's criminal history?
He kept being told stories of how his grandfather and father were both big men and everyone knew they were well hung.

Two criminals break into a drugstore and steal all the Viagra. The store owners call the police and they put out an alert.
An officer in the vicinity turns to his partner and says “Alright, we’re looking for two hardened criminals”

"Is it a crime to throw sodium chloride into enemy's eyes?"
"Yes, that's assault."

"I know its a salt but, is it a crime?

Разговаривают муж с женой:
- Сара, тебя шо-нибудь интересует, кроме денег?!
- Таки да! Интересует, где они...

The old saying is "You are what you eat"
I should eat a lot more mushrooms cause I want to be a fun guy.

How do you save a cow who has a heart attack?
Use a beefibrillator.

I tried to get a job at a casino but they didn't have a slot for me.

Одесский анекдот.
- Сара, а за тобой мужчины бегают?
- Конечно! Но не очень таки быстро…

My grandads answer to everything was alcohol......
He didn't drink, he was just terrible at quizzes

Главное правило реальности - выбрать наиболее привлекательную иллюзию...

You know you're getting old...
when you and your teeth don't sleep together anymore.

Never blame others for the road you are on.
It's your own damn asphalt!

—¿Qué tal con la novia?
—Lo dejamos.
—¿Por qué?
—Porque come amigos.
—¿Cómo que come amigos?
—Sí... me dijo "te quiero, pero como amigos".

I'm not sure if selling products to other countries is a good idea.
I need an export opinion.

Eating ass on a plane?? Now thats what i call Skyrim.

I was up
In court this morning for theft of coffee. I got off.
Luckily I had a good barista.

What does Jeff Bezos do before bed?
Puts his pajamazon.

I quit my job as a personal trainer after complaints that I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've handed in my Too Weak notice.

Boy: "Do you like parties?"
Girl: "Yes, why?"
Boy: "Well then jump in my pants and have a ball!"

A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk."
Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."

I took my date to the party...
...but after a couple of hours in my pocket is was all sticky and covered in fluff.

I was hosting a dinner party and everyone thought my food was bad.
Exept the smoke detector, that thought it was fire.

I made a miscarriage joke at a party last night but noone laughed.
I probably didn't deliver it correctly.

I tried to lighten the mood at a party with a coronavirus joke.
Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.

What do you call a group of sad pitbulls?
A pittie party.

My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brothers surprise birthday party.
That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.

I brought a date to the 4th of July party...
...really sweetened up the fruit salad.

Everyone loves my "moderately large business agreement" costume at this fancy dress party.
I'm kind of a big deal.

Recently I got invited to a nudist dinner party but I had to skip it.
I had nothing to wear.

After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party.
It was the Father, the Son, and the goalie host.

Bill Gates met Arnold Schwarzenegger at a party.
He asked him if he had upgraded to Windows 10 yet. Big Arnie replied:
Ah still love Vista baby...

What is Ravioli's favourite party game?
Pasta parcel.

I went to a spanking party the other night.
I feel like I’ve really hit bottom.

Always invite the math major to the party.
They are a great addition.

What did the bra say to the hat at the end of the undergarment party?
You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.

I think it was a mistake to go to that "swingers in the dark" party last night...
...I don't know what came over me.

I lost my watch at a party once.
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was going to a fancy dress party dressed as Tchaikovsky
However, when he found out that someone was already dressed as Tchaikovsky, he said "i'll be Bach".

Have you heard of the cannibal who went to a party?
They all gave him the cold shoulder.

Why was the mushroom invited to the party?
He was a fungi.
Why wsn't the toadstool invited?
He was toxic.

I threw my wife a surprise bukake party.
Everyone came. You should have seen her face.

John was at a party, sitting alone. There were a lot of people, but his eyes were fixed on a particular girl. She was absolutely stunning, dancing freely, laughing and chatting with others.

Suddenly, the girl turned her head towards John, and a smile appeared on her lips. As she started to walk towards John, his heart started beating faster.

The girl was now in front of John, and with the sweetest voice ever, she asked, "Do you wanna' dance?"

John was speechless, he couldn't believe his ears. He somehow managed to say, "Y...ya"

"Well then get out of that chair, I need to sit down"

Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?
He was looking for a tight seal.

What do you call a rectangle that got into an accident?
Wrecked angle.

Муж с женой легли спать. Рядом в кроватке Вовочка. Прошло немного времени.
— Обними меня, дорогая! — говорит муж.
— Подожди, сын заснет.
Проходит еще немного времени.
— Дорогая, обними меня.
— Да подожди же, вот сын уснет...
Муж, обидевшись, пошел на кухню, чтобы выпить фужер шампанского, открывает бутылку. Раздается хлопок. Часть шампанского проливается. Спросонья мужик поскальзывается и грохается на пол. Вовочка вскакивает с постели и кричит матери:
— Что, доупрямилась? Отец застрелился!

My favourite composer is handle who then joined Hinge and bracket to form the doors..

Why is it, that Poseidon is the strongest of all gods?
He's got all those mussels.

A kid in the park told me smoking was bad for me.
So I popped his ballon with my cigarette and informed him so was talking to strangers.

What did the two vegan strangers say to each other?
Nothing. They didn't meat.

My wife asked me if I'd like to spend the evening at home or go play a game of bowling.
So I told her that putting my fingers in sweaty holes where everybody had been before wasn't what I had in mind for tonight. And we went play some bowling.

I get really annoyed when complete strangers start asking me tons of personal questions.
On another note, my job interview today went terribly.

Whenever a stranger in public calls my daughter “princess...”
I order them to bow before me, for I am apparently their King.

Hey kids, what are you supposed to say if a stranger offers you drugs?
You say "thank you," because drugs are expensive.

I got a call from a total stranger. He was asking to meet me in the woods so that he could take a look at my penis.....
Weirdo never showed up.

What do you call a Mormon who likes to smoke, drink, swear and have sex with strangers?
An oxymormon.

Arguing with strangers online is like wrestling sharks.
Even if you win, it was a really stupid thing to do.

Is anyone else seeing a stranger in their mirror
Or is it just me?

A stranger just came up to me and told me she was vegan...
I swear I've met herbivore.

Guy yells to a stranger across the river
"I need to get to the other side".
Stranger yells back, "You are on the other side".

A lost man asked a stranger what's the fastest way to the hospital?
The stranger replied: close your eyes and cross the street.

A man holding a violin asks a stranger how to get to the concert hall.
Stranger : Practise, practise, practise.