Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why is it when people ask you "What three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?", no one ever replies, "A BOAT..."?

If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.

If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn't understand directions".

I work at a pizza shop, its my only sauce of income.

I called my ‘phone supplier’s customer service department and said: "I want to report a nuisance caller."
The guy who answered said: "Not you again?'”

COINCIDENCE? It's amazing that the amount of news which happens in the world every day just exactly fits the daily newspaper!

Утро, завтрак. Мама, папа, сын. Сын:
— Мам, отгадай: О чем постоянно думает женщина? Слово из трех букв!
Мать шлеп сыну подзатыльник! Сын, плача:
— Это — "ДОМ"!
Муж разворачивается — шлеп жене подзатыльник:
— О доме, дура, нужно думать, о доме!

Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.

Why did the pilot feel insecure? His job was always up in the air.

Is there much difference in virtual reality and reality? Virtually none!

I only code 3 days a week: Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow.
- All Programmers

Did you know Demi Moore used to have a sister called Not any?

Why doesn't James bond fart in bed??
Cuz it will blow his cover.

I asked my wife how good my listening skills were. She said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10."
I have no idea why she wants me to urinate on a skeleton.

What do rednecks do for Halloween?
Pump kin.

I’d make a swear jar but I don’t have the kind of income to keep up with my mouth.

What animal is best at math?
Rabbits, they multiply fastest!

Electrons don't really like protons because they're always negative.

The astronaut is getting married and he is over the moon through out the process.

I went to Kyoto for the 'World Anagram Championship'.....

Turns out it was in Tokyo

Надо уметь говорить "Нет". Например, вас спрашивают: "Хотите ли вы кусочек торта?", а вы отвечаете: "Нет, мне пожалуйста два кусочка".

I had to quit my job at the watch factory....
The bloke opposite me kept making faces.

I can easily bench press 350 pounds…just not all at once.

Nothing ruins your Friday like finding out it's only Thursday.

- Яша, никогда, слышишь, никогда не спрашивай даму за её возраст. Это моветон, Яша!
- А как быть?
- Ну, разве шо ненавязчиво поинтересуйся, какая музыка играла на её школьном выпускном...

Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.

I accidentally deleted the manuscript of my book “100 Ways to Cure An Itch”. Ugh. Looks like I’ll have to start from scratch.

Fun fact: Before crowbars were invented, crows used to drink at home.

―Me gusta tu barba de tres días.
―Aww, gracias.
―De nada, Carolina.

I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.

I'd like a choice when I have jaw surgery so I asked my doc, "What are my op chins?"

A friend of mine tried to explain to me why his camouflage sword was so good, but I just couldn't see his point.

What did one pickle say to the other when it was having a bad day?
Dill with it!

Why is eleven not an even number even though it ends with an even.
That's odd.

All shoes are technically buy one get one free.

One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.

My wife left me, saying I was a compulsive liar
Atleast I think that's what she said... I was busy wrestling a tiger at the time.

What are the 3 sizes of condoms?
Small, medium and liar.

Liars tend not make eye contact, which is why I don't trust pirates half the time.

What do you call a Mathematician who is an outlaw and a liar?
An outlier.

There are two types of men in this world
Those who have tried to suck their dick, and liars.

My father, a massive liar, told me he'd been shot...
I said 'I can see right through you'.

My girlfriend says I'm a fantasist and a compulsive liar.
That's a bit rich coming from someone who doesn't exist.

My girlfriend said I'm nothing but a bare-faced liar
So I've grown a beard.

My chemistry teacher is a damn liar!
He said that alcohol is a solvent. I've been drinking for years and it hasn't solved any of my problems.

I keep telling everyone I’m a pathological liar.
But they won’t believe me.

Two Russians meet in a prison cell...
"How long?" the first one asks.
"Fifteen years. You?"
"Ten, for politics. What're you in for?"
"For nothing."
"Liar! For nothing, you get five years!"

A penis says to his balls, “I’ll take you two to a party.” The balls replied, “you fuckin’ liar‽!! –
– ...you always go inside alone and leave us outside knocking.”

If a liar says that he's lying, would that be a lie ?
Only if he's standing up !

My doctor just told me I’m a compulsive liar.
Then she gave me a blowjob before I left.

What do you call a guy who hasn’t measured his penis?
A liar.

My Ass is a liar!
It is so full of shit!

There are two kinds of liars when it comes to masturbation......
The ones that say they’ve never done it and the ones that say they’ve stopped.

Ghosts are really terrible liars.
You can see right through them.

What does a liar do after he dies?
He lies still.

Why did cinderella get kicked out of Disneyland ?
Because she sat on Pinocchios face and said: lie bastatd lie )

What is it called when a bull lies about other bulls?
Bullying.

The next sentence is telling the truth. The previous sentence is telling a lie.

How do you know when an orphan is lying.
When they say I swear on my mother’s life.

A mom gave her son “the talk”. her son replies "wait so there really isn’t candy involved? Guess Grandpa lied.

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he’d be fine and it’d only take a few minutes.
Lying bastard never came out.

What’s green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

What do you call it when a man lies about his penis size?
A Phallacy!

People said that I have irrational fear of lies.
Bu I'm afraid that is not true.

What do you call a lizard that tells damaging lies about you?
A slandermander.

Where do people get their lies from?
From the lie-brary.

— Мам, а что это Бабушка весь день качается в своем кресле-качалке?
— Да ей так легче рюмочку опрокидывать…

When the school was broken into, the thieves took absolutely everything – desks, books, blackboards, everything apart from the soap in the lavatories and all the towels. The police are looking for a pair of dirty criminals.

What do you call someone who steals a fruit drink?
A smoothie criminal.

How do you know when your lawyer is a criminal?
When your lawyer has a lawyer.

What do you call an illustrator with a criminal history.....?
Sketchy.

A man walks up to a criminal underneath a guillotine.
The man says, "Hey, whatcha gonna be doing later? *Hanging* around?" He then bursts out laughing.
The criminal responds, "This is a guillotine, not a gallows, idiot."
The man stops and looks at it, and then says, "Huh. I guess we're both losing our heads today."

My friend once said, "If I wasn't making cocktails, I'd be a criminal."
Now he's behind bars.

Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals.
-Sent from your iPhone.

What did the police officer say to the criminal who could not sleep?
"Stop resisting a rest!"

Cops have a hard time catching fat criminals.
They are always at large and on top of that its impossible to narrow down on them.

Criminals are getting sneakier these days.
Last night I was woken up by my wife, who said "there's someone downstairs". So I went down to check, and five minutes later it hit me... I haven't got a wife. So I ran back upstairs and it was too late, the bed had gone.

What did the prison guard give to the criminal?
Pimple cream so he won’t break out.

I think fights between career boxers and famous criminals would be entertaining. We could even make it fair, with different weight classes and everything.
We just need to weigh the Pros and Cons.