Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What is it called when a bull lies about other bulls?
Bullying.

The next sentence is telling the truth. The previous sentence is telling a lie.

How do you know when an orphan is lying.
When they say I swear on my mother’s life.

A mom gave her son “the talk”. her son replies "wait so there really isn’t candy involved? Guess Grandpa lied.

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he’d be fine and it’d only take a few minutes.
Lying bastard never came out.

What’s green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

What do you call it when a man lies about his penis size?
A Phallacy!

People said that I have irrational fear of lies.
Bu I'm afraid that is not true.

What do you call a lizard that tells damaging lies about you?
A slandermander.

Where do people get their lies from?
From the lie-brary.

— Мам, а что это Бабушка весь день качается в своем кресле-качалке?
— Да ей так легче рюмочку опрокидывать…

When the school was broken into, the thieves took absolutely everything – desks, books, blackboards, everything apart from the soap in the lavatories and all the towels. The police are looking for a pair of dirty criminals.

What do you call someone who steals a fruit drink?
A smoothie criminal.

How do you know when your lawyer is a criminal?
When your lawyer has a lawyer.

What do you call an illustrator with a criminal history.....?
Sketchy.

A man walks up to a criminal underneath a guillotine.
The man says, "Hey, whatcha gonna be doing later? *Hanging* around?" He then bursts out laughing.
The criminal responds, "This is a guillotine, not a gallows, idiot."
The man stops and looks at it, and then says, "Huh. I guess we're both losing our heads today."

My friend once said, "If I wasn't making cocktails, I'd be a criminal."
Now he's behind bars.

Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals.
-Sent from your iPhone.

What did the police officer say to the criminal who could not sleep?
"Stop resisting a rest!"

Cops have a hard time catching fat criminals.
They are always at large and on top of that its impossible to narrow down on them.

Criminals are getting sneakier these days.
Last night I was woken up by my wife, who said "there's someone downstairs". So I went down to check, and five minutes later it hit me... I haven't got a wife. So I ran back upstairs and it was too late, the bed had gone.

What did the prison guard give to the criminal?
Pimple cream so he won’t break out.

I think fights between career boxers and famous criminals would be entertaining. We could even make it fair, with different weight classes and everything.
We just need to weigh the Pros and Cons.

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.
No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

— Беня, я гарантирую вам, шо через пять лет мы будем жить лучше, чем в Европе!
— А шо у них случится?

I grew up listening to music that demeaned women, glorified violence and normalized criminal behavior. I know it definitely influenced the culture around me.
Thankfully, I stopped listening to country music and found hip hop.

What does Canada do with all their hardened and dangerous criminals?
They give them hockey jerseys and call them our National Hockey Team.

Two criminals are walking in the woods late at night.
It’s especially dark tonight, and the wind is howling.
After a while, one of the criminals leans over and says “Its pretty scary out, huh?”
His partner tells him “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

A criminal is to be executed by electric chair and the priest asks whether he has a last request.
The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

What's the difference between Smart Criminals and Dumb Criminals?
Dumb Criminals break laws.
Smart Criminals make laws.

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.

Why does organized crime have that common criminals don't?
A con-census.

I made a list of all the prostitutes and criminals in my area.
It’s my pros and cons list.

How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He reached ESCAPE VELOCITY.

If being cool was illegal I'd be a criminal.
Not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife.

How does a criminal prosecutor fix a half-baked closing statement?
She puts it into a conviction oven.

What is A criminal group of kangaroos called?
A Gangaroo.

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

I was applying for citizenship in Australia, and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal background".
I replied, "No, is that still a requirement".

"Y'know, I'm a criminal in 72 countries."
"How so?"
"Well, for starters, I'm gay."

What do hookers and criminals have in common.
They’ve both been in hand cuffs.

What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?
Ass crack.

Why was the overweight kid proud of his family's criminal history?
He kept being told stories of how his grandfather and father were both big men and everyone knew they were well hung.

Two criminals break into a drugstore and steal all the Viagra. The store owners call the police and they put out an alert.
An officer in the vicinity turns to his partner and says “Alright, we’re looking for two hardened criminals”

"Is it a crime to throw sodium chloride into enemy's eyes?"
"Yes, that's assault."

"I know its a salt but, is it a crime?

Разговаривают муж с женой:
- Сара, тебя шо-нибудь интересует, кроме денег?!
- Таки да! Интересует, где они...

The old saying is "You are what you eat"
I should eat a lot more mushrooms cause I want to be a fun guy.

How do you save a cow who has a heart attack?
Use a beefibrillator.

I tried to get a job at a casino but they didn't have a slot for me.

Одесский анекдот.
- Сара, а за тобой мужчины бегают?
- Конечно! Но не очень таки быстро…

My grandads answer to everything was alcohol......
He didn't drink, he was just terrible at quizzes

Главное правило реальности - выбрать наиболее привлекательную иллюзию...

You know you're getting old...
when you and your teeth don't sleep together anymore.

Never blame others for the road you are on.
It's your own damn asphalt!

—¿Qué tal con la novia?
—Lo dejamos.
—¿Por qué?
—Porque come amigos.
—¿Cómo que come amigos?
—Sí... me dijo "te quiero, pero como amigos".

I'm not sure if selling products to other countries is a good idea.
I need an export opinion.

Eating ass on a plane?? Now thats what i call Skyrim.

I was up
In court this morning for theft of coffee. I got off.
Luckily I had a good barista.

What does Jeff Bezos do before bed?
Puts his pajamazon.

I quit my job as a personal trainer after complaints that I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've handed in my Too Weak notice.

Boy: "Do you like parties?"
Girl: "Yes, why?"
Boy: "Well then jump in my pants and have a ball!"

A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk."
Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."

I took my date to the party...
...but after a couple of hours in my pocket is was all sticky and covered in fluff.

I was hosting a dinner party and everyone thought my food was bad.
Exept the smoke detector, that thought it was fire.

I made a miscarriage joke at a party last night but noone laughed.
I probably didn't deliver it correctly.

I tried to lighten the mood at a party with a coronavirus joke.
Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.

What do you call a group of sad pitbulls?
A pittie party.

My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brothers surprise birthday party.
That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.

I brought a date to the 4th of July party...
...really sweetened up the fruit salad.

Everyone loves my "moderately large business agreement" costume at this fancy dress party.
I'm kind of a big deal.

Recently I got invited to a nudist dinner party but I had to skip it.
I had nothing to wear.

After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party.
It was the Father, the Son, and the goalie host.

Bill Gates met Arnold Schwarzenegger at a party.
He asked him if he had upgraded to Windows 10 yet. Big Arnie replied:
Ah still love Vista baby...

What is Ravioli's favourite party game?
Pasta parcel.

I went to a spanking party the other night.
I feel like I’ve really hit bottom.

Always invite the math major to the party.
They are a great addition.

What did the bra say to the hat at the end of the undergarment party?
You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.

I think it was a mistake to go to that "swingers in the dark" party last night...
...I don't know what came over me.

I lost my watch at a party once.
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.