Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I called the paranoia hotline

They answered, "how did you get this number?"

What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep and Helium just brings it back to normal?

She told me she felt empty inside, so I got her pregnant.

I just ordered 42 bottles of Tip-Ex.
Big mistake.

Моя девушка очень не любит слово "сука". Видимо, придётся запомнить, как зовут её маму...

I have a car with an automatic transmission, but they gave me an owners manual. Where do I get an owners automatic?

I'm sorry we fought.

I hate it when you're wrong.

What's a plumber's least favourite vegetable?

Leeks.

Amor es darlo todo.
Cuando no tienes nada.

My wife told me that when i visit her mother in hospital to take her flowers, i did that but i dont know what to do with these flowers now.

I gave my wife a length of yellow and green shrouded wire for her birthday.

Well, I did promise her the earth...

"I had a circumcision at one day old. One day old! Can you believe it? I couldn't walk for a year!!"

The man entered his home and was instantly delighted when he discovered every lightbulb in the house had been stolen!

There are two types of people I can't stand...
Nosy people, and people who won't tell me what's going on.

After hearing about the vegan special, I told our waitress I have a medical condition which prevents me from being a vegan. She asked, Really? I said, it’s a flesh eating disease. She walked away.

At my annual physical yesterday, my doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation. Now I'm worried shitless!

It was so hot this afternoon I saw a Goth take his coat off.

This common garden bird flew into my mouth once.
Swallow?
No. I managed to spit it out.

В магазине мужик спрашивает у продавца:
— У вас есть шапочка для плавания?
— Нет.
— А клюшка для хоккея?
— Нет.
— Ну, а лыжи есть?
— Нет! И вообще это вино-водочный магазин...
— Ну, дайте тогда бутылку водки, — и тихо про себя, — видит Бог, что я хотел спортом заняться...

🧒: will you marry me??💍💎
👧: Noway
🧒: sudo will you marry me

When someone told me Scandinavian languages don't have the letter R, I immediately thought:
No way.

What's the opposite of stand up comedy? A sitcom.

Dad's do NOT snore! We simply dream we're a motorcycle.

What happens when Dwayne Johnson visits Alcatraz while sipping single malt on ice?
You get The Rock on the Rock drinking scotch on the rocks.

We have to respect and praise the courage of the French, as they discovered that snails (escargot) are edible! 🐌

Where do sheep like to go on holiday?

BAA-li…

Who was Einstein's favorite rapper? E=mc hammer.

Husband: where is that body I fell in love with?

Wife: Judging from the size of your belly, I think you ate it!

The arrogant math teacher finally ate a slice of humble pi.

Старик проверяет лотерейные билеты.
Старуха спрашивает:
— Ну, что выиграл что-нибудь?
— Хуй!
— Гляди, деньгами не бери!

what outdoor game does Jekyll like?
Hyde and seek.

Feeling a bit paranoid recently? Look around you. You're not alone.

As a child I had ADHD, so my parents sent me to a week long program to help me focus. It was a concentration camp.

Who hides in the bathroom at parties?
The party pooper!

Why is it a bad idea to date a necrophiliac ? He just wants you for your body !

When asked why I became an artist I answered ‘I don’t know. I guess I was just drawn to it.’

Despite pressure to clean up their act, most dirtbags live in a vacuum.

Мудрец знает, что не стоит бояться будущего, ибо есть только настоящее; его-то и надо бояться.

A young woman went into a pet shop one morning and mumbled: “Do you sell large white bears?”
“No, I’m afraid we don’t,” said the sales assistant.
And the woman left.
The next day, she was back again, “Do you sell large white bears?” she asked.
“No I’m afraid we don’t,” said the same assistant.
And the woman left.
The next day she was back again. “Do you sell large white bears?” She asked.
“No we don’t,” said the assistant. “And this is the third day you’ve come in and asked me that.”
I’m so sorry,” said the young woman, “but I can’t help it. You see, I have buy polar disorder.”

Did you hear the one about the Polynesian nymphomaniac who kept longing for Samoa?

What do you call a beaver that cannot build its house? A dam shame.

Черепашка - это уменьшительно-ласкательное от черепавел.

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced.
There's a lovely key change at the end.

If there was an award for the most skeptic person, the most skeptic person might not accept the award.

- А как называется эта фобия, когда боишься негров?
- Здравый смысл.

I tried tap dancing but kept falling in the bath.

An vegetable growing friend’s business has gone into liquidation. They make smoothies.

I ate a string of Christmas bulbs last night. It was a pretty light dinner.

They're making a 3rd film about Moses, it's Part C.

My wife is always accusing me of making stuff up,
I wouldn't mind but I'm not even married.

Me: do you know what sin city is?
Friend: yeah, it's Las Vegas.
Me: do you know what den city is?
Friend: no
Me: it's mass over volume

Nowadays everyone has tables and chairs outside and they call it a patio.
We did that back in the 1950’s but we called it eviction.

DO YOU KNOW which 5 letter word becomes SHORTER when you ADD 2 letters to it? ..... short

REMEMBER that today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday...

A veces no hay próxima vez, no hay segundas oportunidades, a veces es ahora o nunca.

I sent a food parcel to my former wife, Fed Ex.

The art teacher challenged his students to draw a parrot, but no one could pass the Polly graph test.

What does Iron Man do before he takes a bath? He gets stark naked.

I thought growing old would take longer.

A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.

There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you'd have no idea.

"You have been charged with assaulting your wife with a fish," the judge said. "Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

"Yes," I replied, "It's cods wallop."!!!!

I was gonna spend today procrastinating, but I think I'll put it off til tomorrow.

So which Wright was the first Wright to write that he finally got it wright? Write? Wrong! Right.

wife: I just heard from our son in mime college.
me: always was a shitty student.

Teach a man to fish, but don't teach him to flounder.

“The measure of a man is what he does with power.’’
— Plato

My girlfriend and I met each other while running the London Marathon last year.
It was a long-distance relationship.

There’s a type of person who will take only one slice of pizza in case there isn’t enough for everyone, and a type who will take three slices for the same reason.

My boyfriend got bit in the forehead by a bee, he’s in the ER now. His face is all swollen and badly bruised. Luckily, I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel!!!

At first I thought my yoga instructor was lying
Then I realized she was just stretching the truth.

If you kill a killer, the number of killer remains the same. So the trick is to kill the killer and then kill yourself.
Follow me for more algorithemic solutions.

If 6 is afraid of 7, because 7 ate 9, what is 7 afraid of??
Chuck Norris.

A friend has gone into business fixing car ignitions. It’s a start up.

A blue-green fish has been discovered in the waterways of Paris.
It's called a bass teal.

How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.

So this bloke was showing his mate his new golf ball.
He said, "This golf ball is state of the art!"
"You just can't lose this ball, if it goes in the rough it beeps, it glows in the dark, it floats in water and has an inbuilt G.P.S.."
His mate asked, "Where did you get it from?"
He said, "I Found it".

At an airport, one of my friends suggested we disguise ourselves as luggage. I said, "let's not get carried away".

A kid just asked me if I had a ruler.
"No, I am a free man", I said.

Interviewer: sir, how patient are you?
Me: I use 2G network.