Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Q: What is the difference between motorbike and boyfriend?
A: Well, bike is first kicked than used and boyfriend is first used than kicked.

Q: Why are Boyfriends like parking spaces?
A: The good ones are already taken!

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a condom?
A: Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

Q: Where do werewolves buy Christmas gifts?
A: Beast Buy.

— Коллега, а вы специалист в какой области медицины?
— Я проктолог.
— А я гинеколог.
— Соседи, значит…

Just shot my first turkey.
Scared everyone in the frozen food
Section.

What do you call a blind seahorse?
A horse because it can't sea.

"Knock Knock."

"Who's there ?"

"Grandad"

"BLOODY Hell, stop the funeral !!!!"

Baroque:
When you're out of Monet.

Scientists studying the sun have a flare for research.

What cums after sex?
My wife.

This bloke just came into my shop and said, "Why's your exit sign flickering on and off?"
I said, "It's on the way out."

Why does the Higgs boson go to church?
Because without it there can be no mass.

Im pretty sure my dick is a masochist.
It loves being beaten every day.

What do you call a masochist looking for a hookup?
Cruisin' for a bruisin'.

I've worked in a masochistic shop for years.
It's painfully boring.

What does a french masochist say after getting beaten up?
Merci.

A bestiality enthusiast, an arson, a sadist, a necrophile, and a masochist are right outside a psych ward when a cat passes by.
The beastialty enthusiast says "let's fuck the cat," the arsonist says, "let's fuck the cat, then burn it," the sadist says, "let's fuck the cat, burn the cat, then kill it," then the necrophile says, "let's fuck the cat, burn the cat, kill the cat, then fuck it again," and finally the masochist says, "MEOW!"

A masochist walks into a construction yard and a breeze block falls onto his head only to miraculously split into two. A nearby construction worker exclaims in amazement to the masochist that "You must be as hard as a rock". The masochist replied saying "You have no idea".

Never believe a masochist cannibal
They are so full of themselves.

It's not fun competing with masochists with foot fetishes.
They really like the taste of defeat.

Why are masochist gathering in French bakeries?
Because they're full of pains.

I bought some masochistic butter today.
It came whipped.

What's a masochist's favorite place to go have fun?
An Abusement Park.

What is a masochistics favorite vegetable?
The artichoke.

What's the difference between a mosquito and a masochist
A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

What's a masochist's favorite drink?
Champain.

I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.
So I don't.

A masochist, a sadist, and a redditor walk into a bar...
The masochist gets excited and walks into it again.
The sadist grins and sits back to watch.
The redditor groans in pain, wondering who put it there and writes a better joke in the comments.

Some people just need a hug… Around the neck… with a rope.

Why did the first fishmonger go to hell?
Because he sold his sole to the devil.
Why did the second fishmonger go to hell?
Because he was a sadistic serial killer who raped and tortured his victims.

Masochist: Hit me!
Sadist: No!

I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims...
He's a mad keeler!

What is a sadists favorite candy?
S&M&Ms.

What do you call something that gives plessure to sadists?
Sadistfying.

If there was an award for the least effective way to clean things, I would sweep the table.

Some matches are made in phosphorous factories, others are made in heaven.

If i don’t answer the phone, do not re-call me because i will re-not answer.

My crane driver mate says he is going to break up with his girlfriend, he's going to let her down easy.

Why do software developers always say 'it works on my machine'?

It's a regular expression.

What Superpower do you get when you become a parent?
Supervision.

"Fuck that shit" is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no".

What’s the most important figure on a Fisherman’s taxes?
His “Net” Income!

Found that the best way to use scissors to make a perfect paper circle is not to cut any corners.

A man walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt. The man says to the bartender “1 for me, and 1 for the road”.

I couldn’t figure out why my flowers kept getting high until I realized they were all into pot.

Dog and a fox had a baby
It begs the question....
Who fox a dog?

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

What do you call someone who crossed the ocean twice without taking a bath? A dirty double crosser!!!

-Фима иди домой!
-Шо мама мине холодно?
-Нет ты таки хочешь кушать!

Does anybody use a pie chart to illustrate obesity numerical proportion ?

I've got a joke about being a postman but i need to work on the delivery.

Лежат в постели старые еврей с еврейкой.
- Абрам, ты мне изменял?
- Только один раз.
- Вот этот один раз нам сейчас очень бы пригодился!

-Ты знаеш Сарочка, если из нас кто-нибудь первым умрет, я обязательно поеду летом в гости к маме !

Почему жена у своей подруги может заночевать, а муж
у своей - нет?

The fisherman does not go to the gym anymore. He stopped after he pulled a mussel last week.

I have a lamp for sale. Lightly used.

" it's a boy, it's a boy " man came out shouting from room..

After that he never went back to ThaiLand again..!!!!

I try not to work that much.
That way I make less mistakes.

I'm going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

Сарочка, а молоко точно не испортилось ? Пей, всё равно у тебя выходной.

- Девушка, а Вы вышли бы замуж за радикала?
- За ради чего!!???

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, “Where were you during the first half?” He replied “Putting on my shoes!”.

If the police department has a bbq, is it called a steak-out?

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber.

So I went to the doctors this morning...
I said to the receptionist: "I need to see a doctor because I've had a voodoo curse put on me".
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"Yes, he will do.", I said.

Истина, рожденная в споре, часто остается сиротой.

A Scotsman was visiting Canada on holiday. As he checked in at the hotel, he noticed a huge head on a plaque above the reception desk.
He said to the clerk, “What on earth is that?” She answered, “It’s a moose”. The Scotsman raised his eyebrows and muttered, “Auch mon, I can’t wait to see the size of your cats”.

What is the difference between a set of bagpipes and a two stroke moped? You can tune the moped.

Grandma and Grandpa were sitting on their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about 'the good old days.'
Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, 'Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?'
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled, and obligingly took her hand in his. With a wry little smile,
Grandma pressed a little farther, 'Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kissed me on the cheek?'
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a cute peck on the cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, 'Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?'
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
Confused, Grandma said, 'Honey, where are you going?'
Grandpa replied, 'To get my teeth!'

— Марк Соломонович, и почему Вас женщины любят?
— Потому шо я умный.
— А почему Вы не женитесь?
— Софья Моисеевна, Вы шо — глухая?..

What do you call a Roman with flu? Julius Sneezer ..

I spent my whole life being proud of my heritage, until I found out that my great grandfather was actually from Transylvania...
Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror.

I saw a magician yesterday who turned audience members into wind turbines. I immediately became a big fan.

Почему цыгане воруют лошадей?
А потому что это их конёк.

11.34: Arrived at crime scene
11.34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.34: Found murder weapon in drain
11.34: Realised watch was broken

Those little green men at traffic lights,
Really make me cross...

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

Many CIO's favourite band is the Black IPs.

-Алло, простите это я попал в Одесский морг?
-Нет, пока только дозвонились.