Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Frequent naps can prevent old age- especially when driving.

A Short History of
Procrastination

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The American Dental Association advises against brushing teeth with your left hand.
They say a tooth brush works much better.

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband?
“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”
“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.

A lawyer is trying to call his clients. The phone rings and a little boy, in a whisper, says, ” Hello”
Lawyer: “Is your mommy there?”
Boy: (whispers) “Yes.”
Lawyer: “Can I speak to her?”
Boy: (whispers) “She’s very busy.”
Lawyer: “Is your daddy there?”
Boy: (whispers) “Yes.”
Lawyer: “Can I speak to him?”
Boy: (whispers) “No, He’s very busy.”
Lawyer: “Is there anyone else there?”
Boy: (whispers) “Yes, the fire department.”
Lawyer: “Can I talk to one of them?”
Boy: (whispers) “No, They’re busy too.”
Lawyer: “Is there anybody ELSE there?”
Boy: (whispers) “The police department.”
Lawyer: “Well, can I talk to one of them?”
Boy: (whispers) “No, They’re busy too.”
Lawyer: “Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the fire department and the police department are all in your house, and they are all busy. What are they doing?”
Boy: (whispers) “They are all looking for me.”

I went to a club that didn’t play 70’s music… At first I was afraid, I was petrified!

I tried buying a train ticket online.
Each time it said: ‘Where do you want to go?’, I clicked on the “Home” icon.
It then made me start all over again.

My stomach is flat, just the "L" is silent.

Where does an angry sailor go? Anchor management.

I told my doctor I was having trouble with my balance. He said he didn’t care and that I’d better find a way to pay him.

I was just pondering. Do fish get stressed over "current" events?

Dad: Do you know the word STOP?
Kid: Yes
Dad: Spell it
Kid: S-T-O-P
Dad: IT. I asked you to spell IT

Someone asked me how you weigh an elephant. It's quite like weighing a person, but on a much larger scale.

I used to be pensive, but not anymore.

Now I'm expensive.

In Roman times peas were rare and expensive. You were only allowed to buy 6 at a time.
They were VIPs.

I just got a voicemail from a guy named Johann Sebastian
Should I call him Bach?

Reincarnation party next week. Come as you were.

A NAKED BISEXUAL POLAR BEAR WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER IS A BARE BIPOLAR BI POLAR BEAR

- Судя по резюме, мы у Вас уже не первая фирма. Ваши недостатки?
- Я доверяю руководству!

Someone has just told me that I don't know how to shave properly...
bloody cheek!

Умирать страшно только первый раз.

It is hard explain a pun to a kleptomaniac because the always take things literally.

Времена такие, что название романа «Три товарища» лучше писать с цифрой.

—Me quiero morir.
—Yo también.
—¿Tu también te quieres morir?
—No, yo también quiero que te mueras.

LIFE BEGINS AT 40 => but so do rheumatism, fallen arches, faulty eyesight, and the annoying tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times...

I Knew A Woman Who Owned A Taser…
Man, She Was Stunning!!!

They say a jar of Nutella has 2164 calories. I don't care though I never eat the jar.

I read a story about pig anatomy. It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.

What did the nuclear physicist call his grandmother when he was real young?
"Gamma."

I couldn’t get a reservation at the local library.
Know why?
…wait for it…
They were fully booked!

How do snails fight?
They slug it out!

Things I use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%.

Never start a fight with a paleontologist.
You will get Jurasskicked.

Not going to lie....My bed is broken.

Got a new job writing instruction booklets. It's mainly manual labour.

"Slow and steady wins the race."
Unless it's one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed.

Как много игр на раздеванье, вот ипотека например.

Did you hear about the fight last night at the fish and chip shop?
The fish got battered.

Somebody asked me when I first noticed I was going bald, and I’m not really sure, off the top of my head…

My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve. He kept returning it.

Never employ someone who's obsessed with graphs. They'll always be plotting behind your back.

Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

Why can't you tickle a sailor? Because they're nautical-ish.

I think most inventors are pretty boring.
But Thomas Edison really lit up a room.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

Them: How are you?
Me: Deep and full of water.
Them: ..Huh?
Me: I am well!

"I hear Kylie Minogue wants to sing one of her songs in an alien language"
"Like a Martian?"
"No, I should be so lucky"

Just my personal preference but Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soaps…

That which we do not bring to consciousness appears in our life as fate.
- Carl Jung

Cost me a fortune yesterday... facebook was down and I had to ring 42 friends to tell them what I had for breakfast...

— Папа, почему все дети едят сладкую вату, а я обычную?

if cats could text you they wouldn't.

Me: “I can’t come in to work. I have a wee cough.”
Boss: “You have a wee cough!?”
Me: “Thanks! See you next week!”

I want my children to have everything I couldn’t afford at their age, and then I want to move in with them!

Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.

— От винта, пидорасы! — кричал Карлсон, отгоняя пидорасов от винта.

What is a bed's least favourite time of year?

Spring break.

Establish dominance in the men’s room by striking a Superman pose at the urinal.

My tax advisor borrowed six books now and not given any of them back. I think he’s a professional bookkeeper.

How do blind skydivers know they are close to the ground ?
Their dogs lead goes slack.

I ordered a vault and a speaker online.
They arrived at my home address safe and sound.

Люди держатся за свои сказки до тех пор, пока они не становятся фильмами ужасов.

Me: I have many hidden talents.
Someone: Like what?
Me: I don't know. They're all hidden.

My wife asked me when I was going to stop quoting Stereophonics lyrics...
I said "Maybe tomorrow..."

Chickens: The only animals you eat before they're born AND after they're dead.

My favorite thing about naps is that I don't have to talk to people during them.

A friend of mine’s dog died. So, I got her another one. She wasn’t impressed. In fact she said, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?” Sometimes, you try and you try, but it’s just not appreciated.

Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Acceptance, Depression... The 5 stages of waking up.

Apparently I was a bell in my former life.
So I've been tolled.

Mental Note: Actual notes work better.

The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.

На школьной олимпиаде команда алхимиков получила золото.

Why doesn’t Mike Tyson use a PlayStation? Because he’s an X-Boxer.

What kind of boat do talkative people sail? A chatamaran.

Why you shouldn't believe a person in bed?

Because he is lying.

—Doctor, tengo el pene muy grande.
—A ver... ¡AY CABRÓN!
—¿Ya ve?
—¿Le duele?
—No.
—¿Le molesta?
—No.
—¿Y a qué vino?
—Nomás a presumir.

When I lived on a farm, my wireless network was called 'Get Off My LAN'.