Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Some people just need a hug… Around the neck… with a rope.

Why did the first fishmonger go to hell?
Because he sold his sole to the devil.
Why did the second fishmonger go to hell?
Because he was a sadistic serial killer who raped and tortured his victims.

Masochist: Hit me!
Sadist: No!

I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims...
He's a mad keeler!

What is a sadists favorite candy?
S&M&Ms.

What do you call something that gives plessure to sadists?
Sadistfying.

If there was an award for the least effective way to clean things, I would sweep the table.

Some matches are made in phosphorous factories, others are made in heaven.

If i don’t answer the phone, do not re-call me because i will re-not answer.

My crane driver mate says he is going to break up with his girlfriend, he's going to let her down easy.

Why do software developers always say 'it works on my machine'?

It's a regular expression.

What Superpower do you get when you become a parent?
Supervision.

"Fuck that shit" is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no".

What’s the most important figure on a Fisherman’s taxes?
His “Net” Income!

Found that the best way to use scissors to make a perfect paper circle is not to cut any corners.

A man walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt. The man says to the bartender “1 for me, and 1 for the road”.

I couldn’t figure out why my flowers kept getting high until I realized they were all into pot.

Dog and a fox had a baby
It begs the question....
Who fox a dog?

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

What do you call someone who crossed the ocean twice without taking a bath? A dirty double crosser!!!

-Фима иди домой!
-Шо мама мине холодно?
-Нет ты таки хочешь кушать!

Does anybody use a pie chart to illustrate obesity numerical proportion ?

I've got a joke about being a postman but i need to work on the delivery.

Лежат в постели старые еврей с еврейкой.
- Абрам, ты мне изменял?
- Только один раз.
- Вот этот один раз нам сейчас очень бы пригодился!

-Ты знаеш Сарочка, если из нас кто-нибудь первым умрет, я обязательно поеду летом в гости к маме !

Почему жена у своей подруги может заночевать, а муж
у своей - нет?

The fisherman does not go to the gym anymore. He stopped after he pulled a mussel last week.

I have a lamp for sale. Lightly used.

" it's a boy, it's a boy " man came out shouting from room..

After that he never went back to ThaiLand again..!!!!

I try not to work that much.
That way I make less mistakes.

I'm going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

Сарочка, а молоко точно не испортилось ? Пей, всё равно у тебя выходной.

- Девушка, а Вы вышли бы замуж за радикала?
- За ради чего!!???

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, “Where were you during the first half?” He replied “Putting on my shoes!”.

If the police department has a bbq, is it called a steak-out?

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber.

So I went to the doctors this morning...
I said to the receptionist: "I need to see a doctor because I've had a voodoo curse put on me".
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"Yes, he will do.", I said.

Истина, рожденная в споре, часто остается сиротой.

A Scotsman was visiting Canada on holiday. As he checked in at the hotel, he noticed a huge head on a plaque above the reception desk.
He said to the clerk, “What on earth is that?” She answered, “It’s a moose”. The Scotsman raised his eyebrows and muttered, “Auch mon, I can’t wait to see the size of your cats”.

What is the difference between a set of bagpipes and a two stroke moped? You can tune the moped.

Grandma and Grandpa were sitting on their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about 'the good old days.'
Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, 'Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?'
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled, and obligingly took her hand in his. With a wry little smile,
Grandma pressed a little farther, 'Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kissed me on the cheek?'
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a cute peck on the cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, 'Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?'
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
Confused, Grandma said, 'Honey, where are you going?'
Grandpa replied, 'To get my teeth!'

— Марк Соломонович, и почему Вас женщины любят?
— Потому шо я умный.
— А почему Вы не женитесь?
— Софья Моисеевна, Вы шо — глухая?..

What do you call a Roman with flu? Julius Sneezer ..

I spent my whole life being proud of my heritage, until I found out that my great grandfather was actually from Transylvania...
Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror.

I saw a magician yesterday who turned audience members into wind turbines. I immediately became a big fan.

Почему цыгане воруют лошадей?
А потому что это их конёк.

11.34: Arrived at crime scene
11.34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.34: Found murder weapon in drain
11.34: Realised watch was broken

Those little green men at traffic lights,
Really make me cross...

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

Many CIO's favourite band is the Black IPs.

-Алло, простите это я попал в Одесский морг?
-Нет, пока только дозвонились.

Frequent naps can prevent old age- especially when driving.

A Short History of
Procrastination

Available Soon!
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The American Dental Association advises against brushing teeth with your left hand.
They say a tooth brush works much better.

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband?
“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”
“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.

A lawyer is trying to call his clients. The phone rings and a little boy, in a whisper, says, ” Hello”
Lawyer: “Is your mommy there?”
Boy: (whispers) “Yes.”
Lawyer: “Can I speak to her?”
Boy: (whispers) “She’s very busy.”
Lawyer: “Is your daddy there?”
Boy: (whispers) “Yes.”
Lawyer: “Can I speak to him?”
Boy: (whispers) “No, He’s very busy.”
Lawyer: “Is there anyone else there?”
Boy: (whispers) “Yes, the fire department.”
Lawyer: “Can I talk to one of them?”
Boy: (whispers) “No, They’re busy too.”
Lawyer: “Is there anybody ELSE there?”
Boy: (whispers) “The police department.”
Lawyer: “Well, can I talk to one of them?”
Boy: (whispers) “No, They’re busy too.”
Lawyer: “Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the fire department and the police department are all in your house, and they are all busy. What are they doing?”
Boy: (whispers) “They are all looking for me.”

I went to a club that didn’t play 70’s music… At first I was afraid, I was petrified!

I tried buying a train ticket online.
Each time it said: ‘Where do you want to go?’, I clicked on the “Home” icon.
It then made me start all over again.

My stomach is flat, just the "L" is silent.

Where does an angry sailor go? Anchor management.

I told my doctor I was having trouble with my balance. He said he didn’t care and that I’d better find a way to pay him.

I was just pondering. Do fish get stressed over "current" events?

Dad: Do you know the word STOP?
Kid: Yes
Dad: Spell it
Kid: S-T-O-P
Dad: IT. I asked you to spell IT

Someone asked me how you weigh an elephant. It's quite like weighing a person, but on a much larger scale.

I used to be pensive, but not anymore.

Now I'm expensive.

In Roman times peas were rare and expensive. You were only allowed to buy 6 at a time.
They were VIPs.

I just got a voicemail from a guy named Johann Sebastian
Should I call him Bach?

Reincarnation party next week. Come as you were.

A NAKED BISEXUAL POLAR BEAR WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER IS A BARE BIPOLAR BI POLAR BEAR

- Судя по резюме, мы у Вас уже не первая фирма. Ваши недостатки?
- Я доверяю руководству!

Someone has just told me that I don't know how to shave properly...
bloody cheek!

Умирать страшно только первый раз.

It is hard explain a pun to a kleptomaniac because the always take things literally.

Времена такие, что название романа «Три товарища» лучше писать с цифрой.

—Me quiero morir.
—Yo también.
—¿Tu también te quieres morir?
—No, yo también quiero que te mueras.

LIFE BEGINS AT 40 => but so do rheumatism, fallen arches, faulty eyesight, and the annoying tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times...

I Knew A Woman Who Owned A Taser…
Man, She Was Stunning!!!