Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I’m a doctor and getting annoyed because I’ve gotta share my office with a High Court judge. She’s trying my patients.

What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
We're not sure!

It took 20 minutes for the barista to fill my order!
But I figured… better latte than never…

My dermatologist is beginning to get under my skin!

My pet snail gets embarrassed about leaving a slimy trail.
And to be honest I can see where he’s coming from.

What do you call a mix of a Beatle and a fruit?

John Lemon.

I'd like to tell a clock joke but i'm too wound up at the minute.

- Девушка, а как Вас зовут?
- Ия.
- Какое красивое и редкое имя!
- Пьявда?

I said to my mum, did you get the sneakers i wanted? She said yes Addidas you asked.

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.

Подошёл к девушке на улице и сказал ей: "Пока"...
...
Наверное она подумала, что я с приветом.

My Wife said, "Did you eat my chocolate eclair in the fridge?" I said, "No. I ate it in the living room."

I was so good at doing magic tricks as a teenager that most of my friends disappeared.

Pollen, thats when flowers can't keep it in their plants.

Waiter walks to the table, the customer asks if he's got frogs legs. Waiter reply, no, it's just the way I walk.

Eventually Genghis Khan controlled a vast region, but at the beginning he had to take it one steppe at a time.

How much do you have to wind up or annoy glass before it is tempered? 🤔

How much do you have to wind up or annoy glass before it is tempered? 🤔

My friend told me he was going on an all-Almond diet. I told him that's just nuts.

A thief broke into an Eye doctor's clinic. A private eye is on the case!

Went to a restaurant and asked for the most expensive thing on the menu. Do you know what’s dear? Venison.

My wife said,
Can my mother come down for the weekend?
So I said Why? and she said, 'Well,
She's been up on the roof two weeks already.

I should have known better than to marry an astronomer. Everything revolves around him.

I bet carpenters learn their trade at boarding school.

My calendar is in a terrible condition.
I think it’s days are numbered.

- Давид Моисеевич, шо такое зрелый возраст?
- Это период между концом иллюзий молодости и началом галлюцинаций старости...

- Моня, почему ты не даришь мне цветы?
- Циля, я подарил тебе весь мир! Иди нюхай цветы на улицу!..

picasso's wife: i’m going to take a bath

picasso: what?!

picasso's wife: *sigh* ok, i’m going to ‘draw’ a bath

I went to the doctor because I was depressed over finishing crosswords too quickly.
He told me not to get 2 down.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

The only difference between me and an egg is that an egg gets Laid.

От женщины никогда не знаешь, что ожидать — девочку или мальчика.

How do billboards communicate?
Sign language!

I couldn’t fit my gigantic balloon elephant into my car so I had to pop the trunk!

A pun has not completely matured until it is full groan.

Parachute for sale. Descent Price.

I bought a boat because it was for sail.

What do we want?
Northern Irish accents.
When do we want them?
Noy.

If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.

I asked the woman at the Post Office if she keeps stationary?
She said: "Yeah! but when I get bored I like to dance around a bit!"

I think hitchhikers are really friendly,
I've gone past three in the last hour and they all gave me the thumbs up.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

You know you've hit rock bottom on the dating scene when you ask a blind girl out and she says she's seeing someone else.

I lost five pounds going to Weight Watchers last week,
It's OK, though, I found it on the way home.

Woman shopping in The supermarket notices a cute young assistant,he has such a nice arse it makes her randy.
She asks him to carry her shopping to her car,on the way she cannot hold back any more and says to him "I've got an Itchy pussy".
He says "You'll have to point it out love,all these fucking Japanese cars look the same to me!!"

Tried changing my password to "14days" but it was two week.

People say work hard, play hard but I can’t maintain an erection for that long.

I said to my wife: "Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in this road except one."
And she said: "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis at number twenty-three."

I used to have a few jokes about pairs of matching socks but I've lost one.

Do you know why the Tin Man drinks oil?...
Because he CAN...

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....

...oof !!

I said to the doctor, the older I get, the more I spread gossip. He said, that's rumourtism.

What do you call a bee that works for the government.
A pollentician.

The bathing suit company started making underwire bikinis until it started to affect the bottom line.

What is the least dependable type of bee?
A maybee!

I made a graph for my past relationships.

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

Q. What is it called when one ghost consumes another ghost?
A. Canni-boo-lism.

I would tell you a leech joke, but it would suck anyway!!!

"The beautiful is always bizarre."

~ Charles Baudelaire

My boss said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture, I've got a hunch it might be me.

I just bought a crappy car that was made in Prague.
The Czech engine light keeps coming on.

What did the orange say to the lemon??
Hello lemon.

The first rule of passive aggressive fight club is...

Actually don’t worry about it, it’s fine...

It’s not that I have a problem buying a house on top of a cemetery. I just don’t want to have to take out a second morgue’age.

Did you know.... A lethal dose is also a lifetime supply!!

The cost of Defibrillators is shocking.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

When I die i'm donating my eyes to my wife, so she can finally see something from my point of view!

With great reflexes, comes great
response ability.

If I’m holding a bee in my hand, what do I have in my eye?

If Noah wanted to save the dinosaurs, he should have buit the jurassic ark.

Even if it was seen by 10 men, is it still a private part?

I was talking to taxi driver who says he's against same sex marriage.
He's been having the same sex with his wife for 30 yrs.

Waiter, will my pizza be long?"
"No sir, it'll be 'round."

If the whole world is a stage . . . where does the audience sit?

I keep trying to find out what the lowest rank in the Army is, but every person I asked keeps telling me it's private.

The British sailed around the globe in search of spices, and once they found them, for some odd reason they didnt bother to use them on their food.

"On a scale of 1-10 how.."
"10!"
.."impatient are you?"

Age is not a number. it's Integer.

Еврейская мама учит дочь:
- И запомни, Дора, секс в мыслях мужчин опасен в двух случаях: если в мыслях всегда только секс и если секс всегда только в мыслях..