Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

When I die i'm donating my eyes to my wife, so she can finally see something from my point of view!

With great reflexes, comes great
response ability.

If I’m holding a bee in my hand, what do I have in my eye?

If Noah wanted to save the dinosaurs, he should have buit the jurassic ark.

Even if it was seen by 10 men, is it still a private part?

I was talking to taxi driver who says he's against same sex marriage.
He's been having the same sex with his wife for 30 yrs.

Waiter, will my pizza be long?"
"No sir, it'll be 'round."

If the whole world is a stage . . . where does the audience sit?

I keep trying to find out what the lowest rank in the Army is, but every person I asked keeps telling me it's private.

The British sailed around the globe in search of spices, and once they found them, for some odd reason they didnt bother to use them on their food.

"On a scale of 1-10 how.."
"10!"
.."impatient are you?"

Age is not a number. it's Integer.

Еврейская мама учит дочь:
- И запомни, Дора, секс в мыслях мужчин опасен в двух случаях: если в мыслях всегда только секс и если секс всегда только в мыслях..

Did you hear that Fruit of the Loom is going to take Hanes to court?
It'll be a brief case!

How do fish give birth?
Sea section.

Валя катим отсюда. Я не Валя, я Катя. Катя валим отсюда.

What's a bee's favorite novel?

The Great Gats-bee.

Have you read the book 'The Ultimate Basement'?

Should be a best cellar...

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they're hatching some kind of evil plan.

Ghost hunters never find ghosts because the ghosts keep ghosting them ghostily.

My friend is an artist and when she feels sad i give her my shoulder to crayon.

Before injections I calm myself by saying "You can do this". Sometimes it makes my patients more nervous.

Чтобы грести деньги лопатой, одной лопаты не достаточно, нужны ещё и деньги.

I sleep better naked, why can't the flight attendant understand this ?

Did you hear about the strike at the bowling pin factory?

If you don't know my whole story, keep your mouth shut.
If you know my whole story, you're an accomplice. Keep your mouth shut.

What did the vet say about the sick tiger?
I don’t think he is feline well!

One man was in love with a lass from Alaska. Alas she did not love him!

I’ve got a very old pencil, that was once owned by William Shakespeare. But he chewed the end, so I can’t tell if it’s 2b or not 2b.

Как говорит мудрая Сара Моисеевна, умную женщину мужчина почти не ощущает на своей шее.

I saw a cat at Tesco buying 9 bags for life.

GOD CREATED THE WORLD! ...everything else is made in China.

No, you don't get the job.... Pictures of a gang bang isn't proof that you work well with a team.

Everyone needs bread because loaf makes the world go round.

Being an Armadillo seems nice. If you get scared or nervous you can just @

I crashed into two Volkswagen Golfs today and made a hole in one!

I was screaming at my wardrobe last night, i really need to sort out my hanger management.

Моя жена сказала, что уйдёт от меня, если я не перестану изображать из себя диктора телевидения.
Я расскажу вам об этом после небольшой рекламной паузы. Оставайтесь с нами!

My car has a feature that allows the star of Top Gun to take over when I'm tired.

It's called Cruise control.

What kind of bees live in graveyards?
Zombees.

It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.
Not even remotely.

Just at the airport with my wife, I said "I wish I’d brought the coffee table with us."

"Why is that?" she asked...

"The passports are on it..."

Jellyfish exist as a species for 500 million years and surviving just fine without a brain. That gives hope to many people...

What is a magician’s favourite dog breed? Labracadabrador.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

Just had a walk and met an old mate !
I said why have you got a fried egg on your head?
He said the hard boiled ones keep rolling off !!

How do you cancel an appointment with a Sperm Bank?
It's easy... You just tell them you can't come!

- Откуда у Вас столько врагов?
- Я общительная...

Overthinking yourself to sleep is the adult version of a bedtime story.

What do you call the ability to lie?
Lie ability.

I've just seen Technotronic working in Dunkin Donuts. Was inevitable really, they love to pump up the jam.

Never date someone cross-eyed… You'll always catch them seeing other people on the side!!

Не бывает некрасивых женщин, бывает маленькая маска.

What do you call a Japanese car thief?

Tommy Tukkamotor !

About 4 years ago, I made a big decision to remove all the side & rear view mirrors from my car and I haven't looked back since...

My wife realised I was cheating when she found the letters I was hiding.
She got mad and now refuses to play Scrabble with me.

My wife says she can wax the hairs off my chest without me feeling a thing, i don't think she can pull it off.

I bought a lettuce from a greengrocers owned by The Mamas & the Papas but it’s already gone off...

All the leaves are brown.

Today I made my first Money as Programmer.
I sold my laptop.

I spoke to my dentist about how I get pains every time I drink coffee or tea. He asked ‘how long has this been going on for?’ I said, ‘I have been drinking tea and coffee for many years.’

I went to see a psychic, he was in a bad mood, then I saw a clairvoyant who was rather grumpy......
I'm just trying to find a happy medium.

В любом возрасте есть своя прелесть... 51 год, например,
без остатка делится на 17.

An Irish family have frozen to death outside a theatre in Dublin.
They had been queuing for five months to see “Closed For The Winter.”

You need at least 1 witness to prove a murder and a minimum of 2 to register a marriage.
So which is more dangerous?

- Лёва, слушай и запоминай, шо я тебе скажу: "Женщина всегда сюрприз, но не всегда подарок".

Ironically, of all the phobias that people suffer from, the fear of heights is right near the top.

I just finished checking my stocks. Turns out Helium is up, Feathers are down, and Paper is stationary.

Date: You told me you were interesting?
Me: I told you I was into resting!

I can't stand lying.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

If you're unable to inappropriately dispose of your trash, you're illitterate.

When I was younger I could see into the future. Now, I'm getting all my premonitions as flashbacks.

-- Steven Wright

Why do fishermen always argue? Because you can't catch de fish, without de bait.

I was just walking past the church when the vicar turned to me and said, "Love your neighbour."

I said, "Me too - cracking pair of tits!"

Did you hear about the pirate that got upset every time his ship floated away...
...he had to take anchor management classes!

The other day I saw a pigeon and a blackbird sitting on a tv aerial in peace and harmony.
I thought why can’t two men live like that.
Then I realised that a tv aerial couldn’t take their weight.

If I am stopped for
speeding in my Tesla !
Will I be charged ?

What happened when the two phones fell in love?

They became engaged.

What do you call a cruise liner full of psychologists?

A Freudian ship.

Взрослая жизнь-это когда тебе всё и везде можно,но тебе не с кем и некогда.