Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

- Утопите уже кто-нибудь эту жизнерадостную тварь!
- Ура! Ура!! Мы идем нырять!!!!

What do you call an unsmart finger?
Knucklehead.

Who is the fastest runner of all time?

Adam, because he came first in the human race!

Что русский кратко скажет матом,
то итальянцу час махать.

I actually know quite a few jokes in sign language, and I can guarantee no one’s ever heard them before …

One proctologist's decision to choose his specialty was just the fecal finger of fate.

Today i plan on being as useful as the letter G in Lasagna.

Это был обычный солнечный день, ничто не предвещало беды. И тут жена спросила:
- Я не толстая?

I told an offensive joke last time I performed Comedy in Croatia.
The audience were Split.

I can't wait to walk down the aisle again one day... and hear those magical words...

"This is your Captain speaking..."

I wanted to join the photography club, but they were too clicky.

If you get scared half to death, twice. Then you're 3/4 dead!

what does the shirt say to the pants?
what's up britches...

An amoeba walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Pay the tab before you split.”

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.She felt the same way.So I turned on the air conditioner.

Someone has used my bank details to buy some men’s aftershave.
I think my card has been cologned !

if a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathize?

Why are electricians not called Power Rangers?

My parents went doggy style when they made me, por eso sali bien perra. )

Just seen a Screw and and a Nail having a drink in the Pub..
The Nail was Hammered..

I used to love eating chips until I got barred from the casino.

Has anyone seen a camouflage jacket ?

A man knocked on my door trying to sell me some sunglasses. I thought he was a shady character.

10 years ago I married my best friend.
The wife was really cross, but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was funny.

How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking.
Jk! Rowling.

BREAKING NEWS
The thief who stole a van full of laxatives has now gone on the run.

I know it's a long shot but does anyone have a trebuchet I can borrow?

People mature when they go from "It's okay, don't cry" to "It's okay, cry".

Where there’s a will, there’s someone wanting to be in it.

Why does escalator maintenance take so long?
….it is a step by step process

- Рядовой Рабинович, представьте себе, что вы оказались один на один с врагом. Какие шаги вы будете предпринимать?
- Большие.

Man goes to the doctor with part tyre marks across his chest .
Doctor asks "Whats the problem ?"
Man says "I'm feeling a bit run down"

A quarter-acre of undeveloped land may not seem like much to some people, but to me it's a lot.

I went to the doctor and said, I keep thinking I'm Moses. He said, ill give you tablets for that.

My wife's friend: do you ever wake up sweaty in the morning?
My wife: no, he has his own alarm.

how do you calm and upset english teacher?
there, their, they're

I visit my Uncle once a month to help him apply his Fake Tan.
He always refers to me as the 'Sun He Never Had'.

What kind of shoes does a kidnapper wear?
White vans.

He who hogs the sheets is usually very wrapped up in himself.

How did Noah see in the dark? He used his flood lights.

I almost had a threesome tonight, all I needed was two more people.!!!!!

To all the Psychics out there. You know what I think about you.

Where does a bee sit?
On its bee-hind.

Met a girl in the pub last night who said she'd show me a good time...
Got outside, she ran 100m in 9.72 seconds....

My father ran the marathon but my mother was a sprinter.
It was hard growing up with mixed-race parents.

People from the Netherlands are Dutch, but are native to Holland.
They don't speak Hollandish nor Netherese.
It's all double Dutch to me.

I’ve got a friend who is an electrician and a part-time detective.
We call him Sherlock Ohms.

Sorry darling. Yes, I promised three beers and home by ten. I always get those mixed up.

Jane was breastfeeding her son while her neighbour, Susan sat nearby.
Jane asked her friend, "Does my son resemble me or his father?"
Replied Susan, "He looks like you, but he sucks exactly like his father....."

The bar was pretty wild last night. Some dude got his nipple pierced...
and I got banned from darts...

I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant and it suddenly went dark. The waiter came over and said you need to start clapping. What a weirdo. Anyway we all started to clap and the lights came on! I said "how did that happen?" He replied..."old Chinese proverb, many hands make light work."

How does a computer get drunk?
It takes screen shots.

I'd give my Right Liver to better understand Biology.

I once went to a really awkward party in an igloo...

When I tried to break the ice it only made things worse.

*pulls shirt back down*
I guess I don't understand what a flash mob actually is.

I tried to come up with a clever joke about a souffle.....
..... But it fell flat.

I saw a great looking preview for a movie about a long-distance trucker, so I went to see it.
It turned out that the movie wasn’t very good, but the trailer was incredible!

I keep having to get up early for work. I find this to be an alarming situation.

My wife says I'm not very handy around the house! She must have forgot who phoned for the plumber when the sink was blocked!

Наш девиз непобедим, возбудим и не дадим! - Наш девиз в ответ на ваш поломаешься и дашь.

Why was the baby raspberry crying?
Because his mom and dad were in a jam.

I can’t remember where I last parked my Ford. You could say I’ve... lost my Focus.

A cop knocked on a farmers door.
Farmer answers.
Cop state's he needs to search paddock behind house.
Farmer tells Cop "that would be unwise."
Cop shows his badge and pushes past.
As he enters paddock a bull comes straight for him.
Cop yells
"What should i do?"
Farmer yells " show him ya badge."

Ищу глубокую шахту для своей боеголовки.

A guy said he could repair my roof using boxes of Kleenex.
No wonder I have truss-tissues.

My wife left me due to my obsession with Facebook.

I didn't even get a notification .

Someone told me if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All I got was 6 years for armed robbery.

The members of Fleetwood Mac have decided to break up.

They've stopped thinking about tomorrow.

VIRGINITY is a mix of VIRGO, GIN & Infinity.

Is just one E or both E’s in “bee” silent?

I thought I'd lost my Dominoes..But I've just Spotted them..

What did the broccoli say to the celery?
Stop stalking me.

If something's worth doing, it's worth doing rihgt.

Told my girlfriend I had the original Beatles 45 Ticket To Ride.

But she didn't care.

A lavatory sent me a friend request on Facebook.

So I blocked it.

What do we want?
Toilets!
When do we want them?
Too late!

What do you do if your boat is sick?
Take it to the doc!

What do you get when you cross an angry sheep and an angry cow?
Two animals in a baaaaaaad moooooood.

Whats a cows favourite Beatles song? Hay chewed.

What’s red and goes beep beep beep?
The Manchester United open top bus being reversed into the garage for another year.