Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

- Рядовой Рабинович, представьте себе, что вы оказались один на один с врагом. Какие шаги вы будете предпринимать?
- Большие.

Man goes to the doctor with part tyre marks across his chest .
Doctor asks "Whats the problem ?"
Man says "I'm feeling a bit run down"

A quarter-acre of undeveloped land may not seem like much to some people, but to me it's a lot.

I went to the doctor and said, I keep thinking I'm Moses. He said, ill give you tablets for that.

My wife's friend: do you ever wake up sweaty in the morning?
My wife: no, he has his own alarm.

how do you calm and upset english teacher?
there, their, they're

I visit my Uncle once a month to help him apply his Fake Tan.
He always refers to me as the 'Sun He Never Had'.

What kind of shoes does a kidnapper wear?
White vans.

He who hogs the sheets is usually very wrapped up in himself.

How did Noah see in the dark? He used his flood lights.

I almost had a threesome tonight, all I needed was two more people.!!!!!

To all the Psychics out there. You know what I think about you.

Where does a bee sit?
On its bee-hind.

Met a girl in the pub last night who said she'd show me a good time...
Got outside, she ran 100m in 9.72 seconds....

My father ran the marathon but my mother was a sprinter.
It was hard growing up with mixed-race parents.

People from the Netherlands are Dutch, but are native to Holland.
They don't speak Hollandish nor Netherese.
It's all double Dutch to me.

I’ve got a friend who is an electrician and a part-time detective.
We call him Sherlock Ohms.

Sorry darling. Yes, I promised three beers and home by ten. I always get those mixed up.

Jane was breastfeeding her son while her neighbour, Susan sat nearby.
Jane asked her friend, "Does my son resemble me or his father?"
Replied Susan, "He looks like you, but he sucks exactly like his father....."

The bar was pretty wild last night. Some dude got his nipple pierced...
and I got banned from darts...

I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant and it suddenly went dark. The waiter came over and said you need to start clapping. What a weirdo. Anyway we all started to clap and the lights came on! I said "how did that happen?" He replied..."old Chinese proverb, many hands make light work."

How does a computer get drunk?
It takes screen shots.

I'd give my Right Liver to better understand Biology.

I once went to a really awkward party in an igloo...

When I tried to break the ice it only made things worse.

*pulls shirt back down*
I guess I don't understand what a flash mob actually is.

I tried to come up with a clever joke about a souffle.....
..... But it fell flat.

I saw a great looking preview for a movie about a long-distance trucker, so I went to see it.
It turned out that the movie wasn’t very good, but the trailer was incredible!

I keep having to get up early for work. I find this to be an alarming situation.

My wife says I'm not very handy around the house! She must have forgot who phoned for the plumber when the sink was blocked!

Наш девиз непобедим, возбудим и не дадим! - Наш девиз в ответ на ваш поломаешься и дашь.

Why was the baby raspberry crying?
Because his mom and dad were in a jam.

I can’t remember where I last parked my Ford. You could say I’ve... lost my Focus.

A cop knocked on a farmers door.
Farmer answers.
Cop state's he needs to search paddock behind house.
Farmer tells Cop "that would be unwise."
Cop shows his badge and pushes past.
As he enters paddock a bull comes straight for him.
Cop yells
"What should i do?"
Farmer yells " show him ya badge."

Ищу глубокую шахту для своей боеголовки.

A guy said he could repair my roof using boxes of Kleenex.
No wonder I have truss-tissues.

My wife left me due to my obsession with Facebook.

I didn't even get a notification .

Someone told me if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All I got was 6 years for armed robbery.

The members of Fleetwood Mac have decided to break up.

They've stopped thinking about tomorrow.

VIRGINITY is a mix of VIRGO, GIN & Infinity.

Is just one E or both E’s in “bee” silent?

I thought I'd lost my Dominoes..But I've just Spotted them..

What did the broccoli say to the celery?
Stop stalking me.

If something's worth doing, it's worth doing rihgt.

Told my girlfriend I had the original Beatles 45 Ticket To Ride.

But she didn't care.

A lavatory sent me a friend request on Facebook.

So I blocked it.

What do we want?
Toilets!
When do we want them?
Too late!

What do you do if your boat is sick?
Take it to the doc!

What do you get when you cross an angry sheep and an angry cow?
Two animals in a baaaaaaad moooooood.

Whats a cows favourite Beatles song? Hay chewed.

What’s red and goes beep beep beep?
The Manchester United open top bus being reversed into the garage for another year.

I’m a doctor and getting annoyed because I’ve gotta share my office with a High Court judge. She’s trying my patients.

What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
We're not sure!

It took 20 minutes for the barista to fill my order!
But I figured… better latte than never…

My dermatologist is beginning to get under my skin!

My pet snail gets embarrassed about leaving a slimy trail.
And to be honest I can see where he’s coming from.

What do you call a mix of a Beatle and a fruit?

John Lemon.

I'd like to tell a clock joke but i'm too wound up at the minute.

- Девушка, а как Вас зовут?
- Ия.
- Какое красивое и редкое имя!
- Пьявда?

I said to my mum, did you get the sneakers i wanted? She said yes Addidas you asked.

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.

Подошёл к девушке на улице и сказал ей: "Пока"...
...
Наверное она подумала, что я с приветом.

My Wife said, "Did you eat my chocolate eclair in the fridge?" I said, "No. I ate it in the living room."

I was so good at doing magic tricks as a teenager that most of my friends disappeared.

Pollen, thats when flowers can't keep it in their plants.

Waiter walks to the table, the customer asks if he's got frogs legs. Waiter reply, no, it's just the way I walk.

Eventually Genghis Khan controlled a vast region, but at the beginning he had to take it one steppe at a time.

How much do you have to wind up or annoy glass before it is tempered? 🤔

How much do you have to wind up or annoy glass before it is tempered? 🤔

My friend told me he was going on an all-Almond diet. I told him that's just nuts.

A thief broke into an Eye doctor's clinic. A private eye is on the case!

Went to a restaurant and asked for the most expensive thing on the menu. Do you know what’s dear? Venison.

My wife said,
Can my mother come down for the weekend?
So I said Why? and she said, 'Well,
She's been up on the roof two weeks already.

I should have known better than to marry an astronomer. Everything revolves around him.

I bet carpenters learn their trade at boarding school.

My calendar is in a terrible condition.
I think it’s days are numbered.

- Давид Моисеевич, шо такое зрелый возраст?
- Это период между концом иллюзий молодости и началом галлюцинаций старости...

- Моня, почему ты не даришь мне цветы?
- Циля, я подарил тебе весь мир! Иди нюхай цветы на улицу!..

picasso's wife: i’m going to take a bath

picasso: what?!

picasso's wife: *sigh* ok, i’m going to ‘draw’ a bath

I went to the doctor because I was depressed over finishing crosswords too quickly.
He told me not to get 2 down.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.