Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

"Every word has consequences. Every silence, too."
— Jean Paul Sartre

I was attacked by a herd of cows.
I'm okay.
I was just grazed.

I have a joke about a flat tire, but I’ll spare you from it.

I wish I worked for the Royal Mint. I hear you can make a lot of money.

I have to confess to my wife that I have erectile dysfunction. I can’t keep it up any more.

My doctor asked me if I’ve ever had a stroke.
I told him I had seven.
...and that was just on the first hole of the golf course.

My pet shark lost the tip off his back. now it's just a dull fin.

I heard on the news that someone robbed the Tokyo Origami museum in Japan. The Anchor said the story was still unfolding!

What do you do to an open wardrobe?
You closet.

Parachute lessons only £2.
No strings attached.

What do rabbits do after they get married?
Go on a bunny-moon!

When chickens taste strange meat they've never eaten before, do they think it tastes like people...?

Culinary school is easy. The Final exam is a piece of cake.

My teacher says that fish are more intelligent than we give them credit for. They spend a lot of time in schools.

Went fly fishing today I caught two bluebottles and a wasp.

My new smart phone can only play old Sam Cooke records like “Cupid” and “Another Saturday Night”.
That’s what I get for buying a Sam Sung.

Wife: "Where did you get that trombone?"
Husband: "From him next door."
Wife: "Why? You can't play it."
Husband " I know but neither can he now."

I took my new girlfriend to the ice rink on our first date. It was half-price night.
She called me a cheap-skate.

My child will not eat fish. What can I replace it with?
A cat. Cats love eating fish.

There once was a company that was doomed because nobody in the company had any foresight into the future. It was a non-prophet organization.

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Me; "Nothing."
Wife; "You did that yesterday."
Me; "Well, I haven't finished."

Burt Bacharach and Sean Connery were having a conversation Burt asked Sean “who is your favourite composer?” Sean thinks for a min and then says “Schubert”
Burt says “thank you very much”

Бездарность всегда рвется к власти, потому что там свои.

Where do crows go to clean up?
The Caw-Wash.

I was trying to describe to my doctor a pain I was having. He asked me what I’d liken it to. I told him I’d liken it to stop.

Ten interesting facts about Diarrhoea.
Number 2 might surprise you!

Saw a plant cut into the shape of a skeleton. It was a bone-sai tree.

Paddy goes into a pet shop and says,
"Can I buy a goldfish please?"
The assistant says, "Do you want an aquarium?"
Paddy says, "I don't care what star sign it is!"

You know you're in Minnesota when you pass a sign on the highway saying "Welcome to Minnesota".

" Meaningful silence is better than meaningless words."
• Pythagoras

We were arguing about the calculator again, its been causing division in our family.

Paddy is in court,and after an 8 day trial he suddenly pleads guilty.The judge says,"Why didn't you just plead guilty at first and save the court all this wasted time and money?"
Paddy says,"I thought I was innocent until I heard all of the evidence."

Man goes into a pub and says to the barman, “2 pints of fucking lager, and a vodka and coke, you bastard”.
The barman says “You’ve got no chance of getting served with that attitude”. The man says “why”?
The barman says “I will show you how to ask, you get behind the bar and I’ll be the customer”.
The barman says” This is how you should do it”! He then asks “Can i have 2 pints of a lager and a vodka and coke please”?
The man says “Fuck off you wouldn’t serve me”!

Whenever I have a headache, I take two aspirins and keep away from children, like the bottle says.

Once you've heard one bagpipe tune, you've heard them both.

If this Covid-19 shit gets much worse and we all have to start cannibalism, remember : Vegans first.
They are closest to grass fed animals.

- Дорогая, перед раком у нас что...?
- Минет..!
- Тоже верно, но я про гороскоп...!

He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.

The invisible man came up to me and started telling me some great big lies -
but I could see right through him.

The police think the murder weapon may have been a colander, but to me that theory doesn't hold water.

“We don't lick people!”
- Lies adults tell kids

I use to be into ham radio
but all I heard was crackling.

Tried erotic suffocation on the girlfriend the other night when we were having sex. She obviously didn't like it;
She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!

My bank manager just called and said my account was outstanding.

Which was nice of him.

Someone rang my wife and said " I saw your husband on the beach with a gorgeous blonde on his arm" she said " what do you expect at his age.. A fuckin bucket and spade ?? "

You really shouldn't be intimidated by advanced math…it's easy as pi!

I’ve finally gotten rid of all my Winter fat .... it’s all now Spring rolls!

A drunk man staggers into a hotel and asks the receptionist for key to room 210.

"I'm sorry sir" The receptionist replied, "but that room is occupied,"

"Not at the moment it isn't" the drunk replied, "I just fell out of the fuckin window."!!

What did the beaver say to the tree?
It’s nice gnawing you!

Just remember- if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Они расстались и он целыми днями лежал на диване,почесывая своё разбитое сердце.

We were that poor when we were young, our parents used to dilute water to make it last longer.

A man and a woman are making love in some very dark woods.
The man says, "I wish I had a torch."
The woman replies, "so do I - you've been licking the grass for the last fucking 10 minutes."

My parents took me to the doctor because I was always asking questions. The doctor told them I’d inherited the Why Chromosome.

Soup operas were the big winners at the Cans Film Festival.

I've ordered a book called "The World's Longest Rivers."
It'll be delivered by Amazon.

When my wife goes into labor, should I just call Domino’s Pizza since they deliver?

My friend claims he can print a Gun using his 3D Printer. I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea and haemorrhoids last week.!!

First time I've ever won a game of Scrabble.!!

You would think that being a submarine captain would pay well, but I hear they can’t keep their heads above water.

What did the Terminator say after he got his coffee?

Hasta barista baby.

If u don't take your woman out, someone else will. Ask Adam, He left Eve alone for 10 mins & the snake took her out for lunch she even brought takeaway for Adam.

I have a nephew named Violence who's terrible at math.

Violence doesn't solve anything.

What do you say when you give somebody a boomerang for their birthday?

Many happy returns!

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I know I do.

Tried a new drink this morning .............Vodka & Listerine

Stops me being a foul mouthed bastard when i'm drunk ....

I was going to make a joke about The Beatles but I figured I’d Let ItBe.

I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn't going to help him.

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She is called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It is an old Indian name. It means ...."

"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

Went into a restaurant, looked down the menu and said to the waitress "i'll have the Pissoles, please". She said "what". I said "the Pissoles - they're on the menu". She took a squint at the menu and said "oh, that's a typo, it should begin with an "R".

"OK" I said, I'll have the Arseholes then !!!

I went to an acupuncturist and when I got home my voodoo doll was dead.

If raising children were easy, it wouldn't start with something called labor.

Of all the places I've been, I'd have to say Missouri is the most welcoming. You might say Missouri loves company!

A store was selling paddles 2 for 1. Everyone went crazy. Lineups galore. Almost started a riot. I guess it was a big oar deal.

If Ukraine your neck hard enough, you may just be able to look over the Russian border.

My girlfriend asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.

My reply of "Don't worry love, your tits cover it" didn't go down too well !!

Introductions in French....
by Gem Appale

I have a nihilistic joke
But who cares?

Why was the student confused when he went from English class to math class? Because he was taught that a double negative in English is bad, but in math, it’s a positive.

I really miss the people that were born together with me in the same hospital. We cried really hard that day.