Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I bought a lettuce from a greengrocers owned by The Mamas & the Papas but it’s already gone off...

All the leaves are brown.

Today I made my first Money as Programmer.
I sold my laptop.

I spoke to my dentist about how I get pains every time I drink coffee or tea. He asked ‘how long has this been going on for?’ I said, ‘I have been drinking tea and coffee for many years.’

I went to see a psychic, he was in a bad mood, then I saw a clairvoyant who was rather grumpy......
I'm just trying to find a happy medium.

В любом возрасте есть своя прелесть... 51 год, например,
без остатка делится на 17.

An Irish family have frozen to death outside a theatre in Dublin.
They had been queuing for five months to see “Closed For The Winter.”

You need at least 1 witness to prove a murder and a minimum of 2 to register a marriage.
So which is more dangerous?

- Лёва, слушай и запоминай, шо я тебе скажу: "Женщина всегда сюрприз, но не всегда подарок".

Ironically, of all the phobias that people suffer from, the fear of heights is right near the top.

I just finished checking my stocks. Turns out Helium is up, Feathers are down, and Paper is stationary.

Date: You told me you were interesting?
Me: I told you I was into resting!

I can't stand lying.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

If you're unable to inappropriately dispose of your trash, you're illitterate.

When I was younger I could see into the future. Now, I'm getting all my premonitions as flashbacks.

-- Steven Wright

Why do fishermen always argue? Because you can't catch de fish, without de bait.

I was just walking past the church when the vicar turned to me and said, "Love your neighbour."

I said, "Me too - cracking pair of tits!"

Did you hear about the pirate that got upset every time his ship floated away...
...he had to take anchor management classes!

The other day I saw a pigeon and a blackbird sitting on a tv aerial in peace and harmony.
I thought why can’t two men live like that.
Then I realised that a tv aerial couldn’t take their weight.

If I am stopped for
speeding in my Tesla !
Will I be charged ?

What happened when the two phones fell in love?

They became engaged.

What do you call a cruise liner full of psychologists?

A Freudian ship.

Взрослая жизнь-это когда тебе всё и везде можно,но тебе не с кем и некогда.

What's white and sits in a field?

A fridge having a picnic.

I was in prison and my cellmate told me to look out for 'one-eyed Bill'.

"Why?" I asked "Is he dangerous?"

He said "No. He just keeps bumping into people".

Met a girl recently who says she wants to have my babies.

Bit odd really, as I don’t have any...

Just got my new Mandolorean bathroom scale. This is the weigh.

Q:Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
A: To get to the same side

I’m writing my life story from the viewpoint of all the cars I’ve owned. It’s going to be an auto biography.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest... just not more than I don’t want to.

My friend Saul is a chef whose signature dish combines meat and fruit.
It's called Saul's berry steak.

I had a girlfriend once with a wooden leg, but I broke it off.

Если мышеловка захлопнулась, надо хотя бы доесть сыр.

I got a Louis XV style clock with a bird chime. It's a rocuckoo clock.

What veggies do sailors hate most?
Leeks!

Thanks to our mutual dislike of newspaper puzzles my wife and I have enjoyed a long and happy marriage.

Thirty years and not a crossword.

I rang up a local builder and said,
I want a skip outside my house,
He said, I'm not stopping you.

— Пока доказывала мужу, что умею молчать — сорвала голос.

When meteorologists get mad, do they storm out?

If i swallow a magnet will i become attractive?

I was looking to buy a car and the car salesman said it would do 500 miles without putting fuel in.
I asked him - "How far will it go if I put fuel in?"

When I was young, I was quite poor. But after many years of hard graft and earning an honest pay, I'm no longer young.

Если бы палестинцы рыли свои туннели в мирных целях - в Газе было бы лучшее в мире метро.

What kind of key opens a banana?
A monkey!!!

I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store.

Clothes, but no cigar.

Q: Why did the lawn mower quit it's job?
A: It was tired of being pushed around.

Сошла небольшая лавина. И все лыжники финишировали одновременно.

My friends love scaring the crap out of me.

With friends like that who needs enemas?

The blind date trouble started when she realized his profile read farm-assist and not pharmacist.

Ingratitude is a special kind of theft.
-A.Y.Bratus

There’s no substitute for a teacher who never takes a day off.

I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation.
The first page read,
"You're not helping"

Son: “Dad, what’s the difference between perspective and perception?”
Dad: “Well son, it depends on how you look at it.”

Сообщество дальтоников заявило, что им реально пофигу, Где Сидит Фазан.

My pet mouse ’ELVIS’ died last night
He was caught in a trap....

I just petitioned a group of physicists to change the symbol used for the Ohm to something different.
I was met with some resistance.

When's the best time to buy a trampoline?
At the Spring sales.

I just got married, at the reception the new wife asked the DJ to play “I still haven’t found what I am looking for” by U2
Should I be worried?

Don't you hate it when the doctor's checking your prostate, and you realise both his hands are on your shoulders ?

Went to a fancy dress party as a jigsaw piece but didn’t like it. I just didn’t fit in.

Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.

I'm currently reading a book called: 'Swimming the English Channel'...
by Francis Near.

I like to hit people on the knee to test their reflexes.

I don't know why, but I get a kick out of it...

Would a female mannequin be a womannequin?

Did you hear about the chef that died?
They pasta way.
Sadly the doctors cannoli do so much.
Their legacy will become a pizza of history,
but they just ran out of Thyme.

People say I’m having a midlife crisis but I can’t hear them over the sound of my new motorbike.

"Dog food lid" spelled backwards is "Dildo of God".
That is all.

AKA is also known as also known as.

Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords.
They can't croak.

What do you call a white girl that has seizures?
A vanilla shake.

The Flat Earth Society said they have members all around the globe.

I fell into a deep hole. As I was falling I saw a giant letter 'A', and then a letter 'E', and then an 'I'. I thought, "Oh no! I'm falling into the vowels of the earth...."

If you're going to tell me about feudal Japan, I'm going to need you to samurais it for me.

My Grandad's funeral has cost us over £12,000 so far.!!
I wish we hadn't buried him in a rented suit.

When I Get A Headache. I Take 2 Aspirin And Stay Away from The Children.... That's what It Says On The Packet..

Mike,
It says in the paper that the police
are looking for a bank robber with one eye,
Marty, Why don't they use two?

An old Yorkshireman is lying in his bed dying. With a very weak voice he asks:
"Elsie, are you here?"
"Aye, am here luv."
"Are the kids here?"
"Yes, ur children are all here.'
"Are mi grandkids here?"
"Yes grandad, we are all here."
Then why is t’light in t’kitchen still on?!

My grandfather was always terrible until I had my first child.

Now he’s a great grandfather.

My dwarf cow only gives condensed milk.