Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

She was so clueless that she called a plumber when she heard about a security leak!

Настоящие друзья это те, кто с вами остался после того, как вы бросили пить.

1st anchor: Why is the ocean blue?
2nd anchor: I don't know, but I'm sure that we'll get to the bottom of it.

На фотографиях я выгляжу гораздо моложе. Особенно на школьных.

A dog asks a cat "How come I've never seen you cats making love in public?"
The cat replies, "Do you want humans to steal our style like they did yours?"

I think ladders should be illegal. All people do is get high on them!

Did you hear about the man who sold his car,
To get some money for petrol?

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack""No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

A bee and an astronomer got married. Straight after the wedding they went on their honeymoon.

To catch thieves stealing blankets one cop went undercover!

Sky News: 3 Cliff Walkers have fallen to their deaths!
I can't believe they all had the same name !!!!

Two flies are playing football in a saucer.
One says to the other, “Make an effort, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow.”

My pet rock was tragically decapitated. I guess I’ll need to get him a headstone.

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. "Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it. "This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway.
After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."

Finally been accepted to the Secret Club. I can't tell you how excited I am.

— Как выходные? — Темно, светло, темно, светло, понедельник.

Fishermen seldom make good standup comedians but sometimes they’ll come up with some nice one liners.

The other day, I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog. Now, he's not there anymore...

--Steven Wright

What do you call a Christmas wreath that is made of $100 bills??? Aretha Franklins!!

What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about...?

"Every word has consequences. Every silence, too."
— Jean Paul Sartre

I was attacked by a herd of cows.
I'm okay.
I was just grazed.

I have a joke about a flat tire, but I’ll spare you from it.

I wish I worked for the Royal Mint. I hear you can make a lot of money.

I have to confess to my wife that I have erectile dysfunction. I can’t keep it up any more.

My doctor asked me if I’ve ever had a stroke.
I told him I had seven.
...and that was just on the first hole of the golf course.

My pet shark lost the tip off his back. now it's just a dull fin.

I heard on the news that someone robbed the Tokyo Origami museum in Japan. The Anchor said the story was still unfolding!

What do you do to an open wardrobe?
You closet.

Parachute lessons only £2.
No strings attached.

What do rabbits do after they get married?
Go on a bunny-moon!

When chickens taste strange meat they've never eaten before, do they think it tastes like people...?

Culinary school is easy. The Final exam is a piece of cake.

My teacher says that fish are more intelligent than we give them credit for. They spend a lot of time in schools.

Went fly fishing today I caught two bluebottles and a wasp.

My new smart phone can only play old Sam Cooke records like “Cupid” and “Another Saturday Night”.
That’s what I get for buying a Sam Sung.

Wife: "Where did you get that trombone?"
Husband: "From him next door."
Wife: "Why? You can't play it."
Husband " I know but neither can he now."

I took my new girlfriend to the ice rink on our first date. It was half-price night.
She called me a cheap-skate.

My child will not eat fish. What can I replace it with?
A cat. Cats love eating fish.

There once was a company that was doomed because nobody in the company had any foresight into the future. It was a non-prophet organization.

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Me; "Nothing."
Wife; "You did that yesterday."
Me; "Well, I haven't finished."

Burt Bacharach and Sean Connery were having a conversation Burt asked Sean “who is your favourite composer?” Sean thinks for a min and then says “Schubert”
Burt says “thank you very much”

Бездарность всегда рвется к власти, потому что там свои.

Where do crows go to clean up?
The Caw-Wash.

I was trying to describe to my doctor a pain I was having. He asked me what I’d liken it to. I told him I’d liken it to stop.

Ten interesting facts about Diarrhoea.
Number 2 might surprise you!

Saw a plant cut into the shape of a skeleton. It was a bone-sai tree.

Paddy goes into a pet shop and says,
"Can I buy a goldfish please?"
The assistant says, "Do you want an aquarium?"
Paddy says, "I don't care what star sign it is!"

You know you're in Minnesota when you pass a sign on the highway saying "Welcome to Minnesota".

" Meaningful silence is better than meaningless words."
• Pythagoras

We were arguing about the calculator again, its been causing division in our family.

Paddy is in court,and after an 8 day trial he suddenly pleads guilty.The judge says,"Why didn't you just plead guilty at first and save the court all this wasted time and money?"
Paddy says,"I thought I was innocent until I heard all of the evidence."

Man goes into a pub and says to the barman, “2 pints of fucking lager, and a vodka and coke, you bastard”.
The barman says “You’ve got no chance of getting served with that attitude”. The man says “why”?
The barman says “I will show you how to ask, you get behind the bar and I’ll be the customer”.
The barman says” This is how you should do it”! He then asks “Can i have 2 pints of a lager and a vodka and coke please”?
The man says “Fuck off you wouldn’t serve me”!

Whenever I have a headache, I take two aspirins and keep away from children, like the bottle says.

Once you've heard one bagpipe tune, you've heard them both.

If this Covid-19 shit gets much worse and we all have to start cannibalism, remember : Vegans first.
They are closest to grass fed animals.

- Дорогая, перед раком у нас что...?
- Минет..!
- Тоже верно, но я про гороскоп...!

He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.

The invisible man came up to me and started telling me some great big lies -
but I could see right through him.

The police think the murder weapon may have been a colander, but to me that theory doesn't hold water.

“We don't lick people!”
- Lies adults tell kids

I use to be into ham radio
but all I heard was crackling.

Tried erotic suffocation on the girlfriend the other night when we were having sex. She obviously didn't like it;
She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!

My bank manager just called and said my account was outstanding.

Which was nice of him.

Someone rang my wife and said " I saw your husband on the beach with a gorgeous blonde on his arm" she said " what do you expect at his age.. A fuckin bucket and spade ?? "

You really shouldn't be intimidated by advanced math…it's easy as pi!

I’ve finally gotten rid of all my Winter fat .... it’s all now Spring rolls!

A drunk man staggers into a hotel and asks the receptionist for key to room 210.

"I'm sorry sir" The receptionist replied, "but that room is occupied,"

"Not at the moment it isn't" the drunk replied, "I just fell out of the fuckin window."!!

What did the beaver say to the tree?
It’s nice gnawing you!

Just remember- if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Они расстались и он целыми днями лежал на диване,почесывая своё разбитое сердце.

We were that poor when we were young, our parents used to dilute water to make it last longer.

A man and a woman are making love in some very dark woods.
The man says, "I wish I had a torch."
The woman replies, "so do I - you've been licking the grass for the last fucking 10 minutes."

My parents took me to the doctor because I was always asking questions. The doctor told them I’d inherited the Why Chromosome.

Soup operas were the big winners at the Cans Film Festival.

I've ordered a book called "The World's Longest Rivers."
It'll be delivered by Amazon.

When my wife goes into labor, should I just call Domino’s Pizza since they deliver?

My friend claims he can print a Gun using his 3D Printer. I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea and haemorrhoids last week.!!

First time I've ever won a game of Scrabble.!!

You would think that being a submarine captain would pay well, but I hear they can’t keep their heads above water.