Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

There once was a man who didn’t mind paying penalties. He always said “that’s fine.”

Imagine how cool it would be if the Sun switched over to LED.

I can't afford to buy pasta.

I'm penneless.

People who think they know it all really annoy those of us who do!

Beware of the deodorants with instructions that say "remove the top and push up bottom".
They could at least make them round.

Paddy & mick are sat having a pint....A lorry goes past with rolls of turf on,
Paddy says "im gonna do that when i win the lottery" Mick says "wot drive a wagon?"
Paddy says "no ya silly fecker, send my grass off to be cut...!!!!

The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.

Where do hamsters go on vacation?
Hampsterdam!

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Why did the burglar cut off the legs of his bed? He wanted to lay low for a while.

My friend Kiki wants to visit a beach in Hawaii.

I asked her, "Why Kiki?"

Why didn't Noah ever go fishing?
He had only 2 worms.

I didn’t think anyone but me knew why the medicine cabinet smelled like deodorant, but it turned out to be an open Secret.

I before E except after C also except for when you run a feisty heist on foreign neighbors who are atheists reinventing protein at their leisure.

Had an interview for the job as a Camouflage expert last week.
I didn't turn up but got the job.

I'm killing off a couple of characters in the book I'm writing.

It should spice up my auto-biography.

My wife bought me this horrible jacket & somehow she convinced me to wear it, I guess I’m easily suede.

Just wondering, do they use bank notes in the cheque republic?

I keep seeing TIA and never know what it means. Can anyone tell me?

Thanks in advance.

Horse ranchers don't make much but it's stable pay.

My Significant Other: I have changed my mind.

Me: Thank God! Does the new one work?

My son came in from school and said, "The teacher gave me a B for my Biology practical."

I said, "That's good, well done."

He said, "No it isn't. Everyone else got a fuckin frog to cut up."

A policeman stopped me today and said can I have your name?
I said no I'm using it.

I pulled a muscle digging for gold.

No worries though—it’s just a MINER injury.

My husband says I have 'selective amnesia' but I can't quite remember what that is?

I was thinking of having a tattoo.
then I realised I don't have enough space and I don't like bagpipes.

Bill and his father are out fishing and drinking beer.
All of a sudden Bill says, "Dad, I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months."
His father, silent for a moment, slowly takes a sip of his beer and says, "Son, you better think it over; women like that are hard to find."

I asked the recruitment officer what rank do I start at ?
He said sorry thats private !!

What happened to the crab that went to the undersea party ?

He pulled a muscle !

Went to the doctors. I said to the receptionist. 'I need to see a doctor because I've had a voodoo curse put on me'. 'Which doctor?' she asked. 'Yes, he will do.' I answered.

My wife wanted a puppy,
but I didn't want a puppy.
So we compromised,
and got a puppy.

My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look sexy. So I went and got drunk.

How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.

What flavour is the toothpaste in jail?
Imprisonmint.

Just watched a film about fly fishing.
The cast was amazing.

My mother told me a million times not to exaggerate.

"Larga vida a mis enemigos, para que puedan ver mi gloria." Bob Marley

I love watching movies with strong female leads. I'm a heroine addict.

Watching a movie with my girl tonight.. Can anyone recommend a good girl?

Что говорит режиссёр порнофильмов, когда увольняется?
- Теперь ебитесь, как хотите...

Got a job making plastic Dracula's,
There are only two of us on the production line.
So l make every second count..

My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn't she laugh at them anymore.

She replied, "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny."

No matter how old you are, an empty gift wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.

If you've ever lost your iPhone, take solace in the thought that maybe - just maybe - some mouse family now has a flat-screen TV.

Из бывших романтиков получаются отличные алкоголики.

What do you call a short mother?
Minimum.

Lightning hit our local orchestra while playing in the bandstand, they were all ok though thanks to the conductor.

“The stork came to our house last night.”
“Was it a boy or a girl?”
“Well,we don’t know yet.We have it chained to the porch,and if it lays an egg,it’s a girl.”

Я ей комплимент, а она- уберите руки, уберите руки!

This liquid diet crap is a scam.
I've been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I'm still fat.

What should a man call a wink from his wife?
Wife eye connection.

A man goes to his doctor and tells him he’s suffering from a long list of illnesses.
‘The trouble with you,’ says the doctor. ‘Is that you’re a hypochondriac.’
‘Oh no,’ says the man. ‘Don’t tell me I’ve got that as well.’

Guy went to the doctors, telling him that he had a problem with his feet. He said me big toe is where my little toe is a the little toe is where the big toe is.
Doctor had a look and said it was the worst case of myxomatosis he had seen...

The canoe glided across the pond exactly like a bowling ball wouldn't.

My Korean friend was going to make his wife a secret dinner for Mothers day but someone let the cat out of the bag.

After a night of drugs, drink and dancing I got pulled over by the police in the early hours of the morning,As I stumbled out of my car the copper started checking my number plate, got on his radio and said " Charlie, Whiskey, Tango"I thought "how the fuck does he know what I've been doing tonight"

Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?”
Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.

Why is the sea so strong?

It's strong because it has so many mussels.

My first flat was so close to Heathrow airport, that every time I went to the kitchen to make a sandwich, a stewardess told me to get back to my seat!

I got my wife a vibrator for her birthday. She’s done nothing but moan ever since.

Student: Can you tell me what month it is?
English teacher: It's May.
Student: Look, I don't need a grammar lesson. Can you just tell me what month it is?

My wife is 2 years older than me!
Every decade we are the same age!
Now I am 60 and
she is 60 too!

Men who are bald in front are great thinkers. Men who are bald in back are great lovers. Men who are completely bald think they are great lovers.

Why do green beans meditate? To find inner peas!

What does the dentist call x-rays?
Tooth pics.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

A new tennis player goes to the library and asks for books about aces. "No way", says the librarian, "you won't return them".

Штирлиц спросил Кэт: - Вы любите фильмы про любовь?
- Бесспорно! - ответила Кэт.
- А я с порно, - признался Штирлиц.

A new local restaurant for golfers insisted on putting greens in all their courses.

Любите только тех, кто любит вас. Потому что у них отличный вкус!

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
"HDMI"

Why did the giant rip off the top of a mountain?
He wanted to take a peak.

In High School my pick up line to the ladies was "we go together like single ply toilet paper and a good hand washing". I dated very little.

I went to a positive thinking course ,when I got there it was half empty .

McVities have just bought out a new biscuit range, 'Clitoris-Creams'.
They carry a guarantee. "One lick and you'll want to eat the box"

Police have warned that a man who stole a stradivarius should not be approached, as he has a history of violins.

My Jewish GF and I decided it was time to get physical. It tuchas to a whole new level.

Points to Ponder!
A Single Apple
is not a Pair!

How does a scarecrow drink? With a straw....

The Nazi’s catch 3 women spies, a waitress, teacher and a prostitute. They offer them 3 ways of dying, hanging,firing squad or 4ucked to death. The waitress picked hanging and they marched her off to hang her, the teacher chooses firing squad and they shoot her right there, the prostitute unsurprisingly choose being 4ucked to death. The SS commander takes her off to a barn and start 4ucking her, she reaches behind her and picks up a hay straw and starts tapping him on the head,the SS officer says “what the 4uck are you doing”,she says “by the time you’ve 4ucked me to death I’ll smashed your 4ucking head in”.