Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I love board games. My favourite is when people put meat and cheese on
a board. Maybe some crackers and fruit.

I’m really good at that one.

Note to self: These notes to self aren't working.

Yes, I have imagined you naked.

But don't worry, I didn't enjoy it.

I used to play a lot of sports. Once I realized I could buy the trophies I find I’m really good at all of them.

I love the phrase “bear with me” because it either means “please be patient” or “the zoo heist was a success.”

At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.
"No. I always give 110%".

When I was a kid, bedtime was 9pm.
And l couldn’t wait to be a grown- up so I could go to bed anytime I wanted.

Turns out that is 9 pm.

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have started asking humans to prove that they are not robots.

Больше всего о величии говорят гномы.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

- Why are balloons so expensive?

- Inflation.

Math Book: "I’ve got too many fucking problems."
Me: "Boo-hoo, my life’s a fucking problem encyclopedia."

What’s Donald Trump’s favorite game?
Monopoly—because he’s always trying to build hotels on every corner!

- How does Donald Trump stay in shape?
- By jumping to conclusions!

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

- Why did the DJ get kicked out of the party?
- They kept “spinning” the same old tracks instead of mixing things up!

- How does a rock star deal with stress?
- They “roll” with it, but always end up “rocking” the boat instead!

- Why doesn’t Eminem play hide and seek?
- Because good luck hiding when you’re always “losing yourself” in the music!

- How many boyfriends has Taylor Swift had?
- Enough to fill an album… oh wait, they already did.

Kanye’s music is like a rollercoaster—full of ups and downs, and you’re never quite sure if you’ll enjoy the ride or just feel sick afterward.

Ed Sheeran is proof that you can be a global superstar and still look like you just rolled out of bed.

- Why did Billie start wearing sunglasses indoors?
- So people wouldn’t see her rolling her eyes at anyone who asked why she wears sunglasses indoors.

- Why did John Lennon bring a ladder to the studio?
- Because he wanted to reach higher consciousness while writing
"Across the Universe."

Does Elon Musk really smell like musk?

Does Donald Trump have any trump cards in his deck?

Sleep is for people who don’t have deadlines—or infinite loops to debug.

- How does Emmanuel Macron stay in shape?
- He runs for office... and then runs away from tough questions!

- What do you call a programmer who doesn’t comment on their code?
- A mystery novelist.

Smokers always find light in the darkest moments—especially if they
have matches.

Smoking is like a relationship—it starts with sparks, ends in ashes,
and leaves you wondering why you started.

If you can’t dance when you’re drunk at least speak English or promise people jobs.
Don’t waste alcohol.

- Why did the alien go broke?
- Because he lost all his spacecoins in a galactic pyramid scheme.

Where there's a will, there's a way...and probably a really good lawyer.

I paid to many bills to be paying attention to things that don’t pay my bills.

"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."
~ Carl Jung

I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.

Fingering a short girl is so risky what if u touch her heart.

“Going to war without France is like going hunting without an accordion.”

— Norman Schwarzkopf

Have you ever seen a depressed Atom?

It's no laughing matter.

Communists, using the theory of "unconditional basic income", are trying to prove to us that it is profitable for us to keep parasites.

Понимаешь, что твоё тело - храм, когда начинаешь пользоваться свечами.

If someone is hotter than you, then you are cooler than them.

- Thermodynamics

Folding laundry is like packing to stay at home.

In French, “pain” means bread. In English, it’s what happens when you try to learn French.

A burglar is always looking for a window of opportunity.

What do you call a horny square?

An erectangle.

"A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier."
~ H.L. Mencken

Today would be a great day to eliminate the income tax.

Shower sex is so different when you are in prison.

Learning Spanish? Just add -o to English words until you’re either fluent or arrested.

Lifehack:

Agree with people so they stop talking.

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account.

If you speak three languages, you’re trilingual. Two, bilingual. One? American.

Historical linguistics: Latin never died, it just had kids that don’t talk to each other.

- Чтo вooбщe зa пpoфeccия у тeбя тaкaя - кинoлoг?
- He твoё coбaчьe дeлo.

I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

Never trust an engineer in a suit.

If you think you understand quantum mechanics, you don’t understand quantum mechanics.

I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said 'do you mind if I put some music on?'
I said 'Not at all'
He said 'Kiss?'
I said 'Let's listen to the music first and see how we feel'

Japanese people rarely say ‘No.’ Instead, they say ‘It’s a little difficult…’ which actually means ‘No. Never. Stop asking.’

"Propaganda is the executive arm of the invisible government."

~ Edward Bernays

- Почему вы ушли с прошлой работы?
- Я там всю работу сделал.

- Бэлла Марковна, разрешите пригласить вас на танец?
- Ой, Фима, как приятно! А вы ночью не храпите?

Debugging: the art of turning errors into features.

When the lesbians go on a date, who pays?

If you find Python boring, you're learning it from the wrong teacher.

Anything that promises you reward after you are dead is a scam.

Главный урок финансовой грамотности: "Чем дольше спим, тем меньше тратим".

Почему есть сигареты «Пётр Первый» но нет сигарет «Николай Второй»?
.
.
.
Их расстреляли.

"What are your dogs' names?"

Me: "Calvin and Klein."

"Isn't that a brand of underwear?"

Me: "Exactly, they're boxers."

Why did Trump and Zelensky start a band together?

Because they wanted to make some "political hits"!

Why did J.D. Vance bring a ladder to the Senate? 
Because he heard the job had its ups and downs!

Today is national staek& blowjob day.
If you are married its just a Friday.

Why did Elon Musk invite Donald Trump to SpaceX?

He needed someone to help him "trump" the competition in the race to Mars!

What do you get when you cross Elon Musk with Donald Trump?

A rocket that tweets its way to Mars while promising to build a wall
around the moon!

— Доктор, понос уже вторую неделю.
— А вы пробовали киви? Обычно омогает.
— Да. но, когда вытаскиваю его, то всё начинается снова.

Programming is just the art of adding bugs to an empty file.

What is a doctor who specializes in Adam's apples called?

A guyneckologist.

'Algebra is the metaphysics of arithmetic.'
-- John Ray

Data science is the sexiest job of the 21st century, said the person who has never actually done data science.