Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

The truly rich know how to hide their wealth - that's how they remain rich.

Feminism is the idea that women are free when they serve their employers but slaves when they serve their husband and children.

Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.
- Frank Zappa

My give a fuck fairy died.

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate."
~ Isaac Asimov

Stop taking climate advice from celebrities who fly around in private jets.

Why don’t developers carry guns?

They have troubleshooting.

Life is ultimately just a 'try-not-to-die' challenge set on impossible difficulty.

Fun fact.
One hour of chewing gum can burn off the calories you gain from eating one Pringle.

Vote for nobody, because nobody cares.

"They don't ban hate speech; they ban speech they hate."
~ Elon Musk

My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough about what’s really going on to be scared.

-- P. J. Plauger, Computer Language, March 1983

Some folks like floors & some like walls. Me? Im a ceiling fan.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

“Change is never painful, only the resistance to change is painful.”

― Buddha

"Well done is better than well said."

-Benjamin Franklin

Hope is a first step to disappointment.

Martinis are like nipples.

One is too few, and three are too many.

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:

I'm not letting you out.

Behind every hangover, there's a promise of never drinkin again.

Going to work is so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money.

How to fall asleep faster?
Decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom.

C in FACEBOOK stands for Censorship.

"When stupidity is considered patriotism, it is unsafe to be intelligent."

-- Isaac Asimov

An evolving system increases its complexity unless work is done to reduce it.

-- Meir Lehman

You want to make your way in the CS field? Simple. Calculate rough time of amnesia (hell, 10 years is plenty, probably 10 months is plenty), go to the dusty archives, dig out something fun, and go for it. It’s worked for many people, and it can work for you.

-- Ron Minnich

Что произойдет, если ударить электрошокером карлика?
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Короткое замыкание

Where do astronauts poop?

The #2 airlock!

Date people who want to suck your private parts, not your energy.

Why do Python programmers prefer to work in the dark? Because they hate white space errors.

"If they wrote it to make money, don't read it."

Increasingly, people seem to interpret complexity as sophistication, which is baffling - the incomprehensible should cause suspicion, not admiration. Possibly this results from the mistaken belief that using a mysterious device confers [extra] power on the user.

-- Niklaus Wirth

To be honest, I don't know what "TBH" or "IDK" mean.

Did you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read that in a medical journal on page 64, at 2:34pm on Friday 15th of August, 2021.

Man plans and God laughs.

That's what's cool about working with computers. They don't argue, they remember everything, and they don't drink all your beer.

-- Paul Leary

Good men do exists, we are just ugly.

People work really hard to invent things to increase laziness.

- what is the problem with the state?
- it exists.

I used to be a developer for autocorrect.

Then they fried me for no raisin.

"Head, shoulders, knees and toes," went from being a fun little kids' song to a list of things that hurt.

How to be a good climate activist:
Step 1 - own a private jet
Step 2 - lecture the poor
Step 3 - fly to Davos
Step 4 - give yourself an award
Step 5 - make rules to make the poor even poorer
Step 6 - don't follow the rules
yourself.

So much complexity in software comes from trying to make one thing do two things.

-- Ryan Singer

The flu vaccine was invented 82 years ago.

We still have the flu.

Just saying...

The lurking suspicion that something could be simplified is the world's richest source of rewarding challenges.

-- Edsger W. Dijkstra

If you're really, really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.

If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they are not actually interested in your opinion.
I know that now.

The minimum wage is compulsory unemployment.

Tests are the Programmer's stone, transmuting fear into boredom.

-- Kent Beck

"Do anything, but let it produce joy."

- Walt Whitman

Compatibility means deliberately repeating other people’s mistakes.

-- David Wheeler

Boss: So, tell me about your work goals for the future.

Me: To be honest I’m just happy I’ve made it to Friday without quitting.

Get money first, fall in love later.

The first rule of functions is that they should be small. The second rule of functions is that they should be smaller than that.

-- Robert C. Martin

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang just the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonald's Farm.

My neighbour with huge boobs has been walking around topless all day in the garden.

I wish his wife would do the same.

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM.

The first rule of no doubt club is don’t speak.

Testing leads to failure, and failure leads to understanding.

-- Burt Rutan

“An engineer is someone who washes his hands before going to the toilet.”
- Anonymous

"The problem with genius is that you have to tolerate madness."

The standard rule is, when you're in a hole, stop digging; that seems not to apply to software nowadays.

-- Ron Minnich

It should be noted that no ethically-trained software engineer would ever consent to write a DestroyBaghdad procedure. Basic professional ethics would instead require him to write a DestroyCity procedure, to which Baghdad could be given as a parameter.

-- Nathaniel Borenstein

"Normal = neutral expression concealing existential despair and brain-crushing boredom."

-SecUnit, Network Effect

If the world is against the truth, then I am against the world.

The code you write makes you a programmer. The code you delete makes you a good one. The code you don't have to write makes you a great one.

-- Mario Fusco

*Jesus having sex*

Jesus: call me daddy

her: oh God

Jesus: perfect

You know you’re getting old when your parents start disappointing you, instead of you disappointing them.

If no one hates you, you're doing it wrong.

If government is the answer, it was a stupid question.

Don't let anyone ruin your day. It's your day, ruin it yourself!

FBI = FOLLOWING BIDEN'S INSTRUCTIONS

CIA = COCAINE IMPORTING AGENCY

Men’s day isn’t as popular as Women’s day because we can’t celebrate all the achievements of men in a single day.

We build systems like the Wright brothers built airplanes - build the whole thing, push it off the cliff, let it crash, and start over again.

-- Nato Software Engineering Conference '68

Усики — пропуск в трусики.

None of our leaders are punished for lying. Instead, regular people are punished for telling the truth.

- Tucker Carlson

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

-- Douglas Adams

"Money doesn't buy happiness"
Well, poverty doesn't buy anything.

Mathematics is the language in which God has written the universe.

-- Galileo Galilei (1564 - 1642)

Your whole life is spent gathering people for your funeral.