Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Its better to cum in the shower, than to shower in the cum.

For those struggling with English:
Don't = Do Not
Won't = Wo Not
You're welcome.

Almost every house has a hot water heater. Why? You don't need to heat hot water.

Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made laser noises.

" We are writers, my love.
We don't cry, we bleed on papers."

It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window. If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.

My friend claims he can print a gun using a 3D printer. I'm not impressed, I've had a Canon printer for years.

Captain Kirk always went to the ladies washroom, cause he wanted to go where no man has ever gone before..

Had a fine job at the sandpaper factory but rubbed them the wrong way and was fired of coarse.

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into a glass. Just wanted to make that clear.

My mate Dave went to see his doctor yesterday.
Dave said to the doctor "I applied that haemorrhoid cream you gave me and I got a very nasty reaction."
"Where exactly did you apply it?" the doctor asked.
“On the bus!” said Dave

—Mamá, ¿Por qué se obsesionan en prevenir el embarazo adolescente?
—Pregúntale a tu Papá
—Pero nunca lo conocí
—Exacto.

A group of weather forecasters are called stormtroopers.

Why was the cheese crying?
Because it was bleu!

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluf.
What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluf holding its breath.

A prospective husband goes into a book shop “Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?
Sales Girl : “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!”.

My wife told me that Vacation sex is the best sex......
Not gonna lie, that was an awkward postcard to receive.

Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?"
Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.

Mr Bigger married and they had a baby.
Who in the family was bigger?
A: baby Bigger. He was a little bigger!

- Мадам, что вы можете сказать в своё оправдание?
- Да что угодно!

What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu????
One requires tweet-ment and the other requires oink-ment.

Picked up a carrot and asked the grocer if I could buy the rest of the snowman.

Sat down next to a girl in a bar and drew a mark on her face
She said:"Is that your best line?”

Sometimes, I'm offended at how easily offended some people get.

2 clowns eating a cannibal,
1 says to the other, “i think that we may have got this joke wrong”

Heisenburg was driving on the autobahn, when he was pulled over by the police. “Excuse me sir,” said the policeman, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“No,” replied Heisenburg, “But I know where I am!”

I just joined the Viagra Club and I’m already a member in good standing.

I’ve just been informed that my application to be a quicksand rescue officer was successful

It hasn’t quite sunk in yet ..

When The Edge was at school, he was a border.

As I was getting in bed, she said, "you’re drunk."

I said, "How do you know?"

She said, "You live next door."

-Ты откуда так хорошо знаешь идиш?
-А у нас в школе учитель английского был еврей.

"Every word has consequences. Every silence, too."
— Jean Paul Sartre

What happens when someone knits backwards?
They stink.

"He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words."

• Elbert Hubbard

We all have faults.
It's just that mine are better than yours.

I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

The doctor said I'm going deaf. That news was hard for me to hear.

Therapy helps...but screaming obscenities is faster, cheaper, safer and a whole lot more fun!

Why do you always drop the H when you call my name. Don’t you know how to spell it?
Sorry, you’ll have to blame my poor diction, ‘arry.

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year... so that's just being hippocritical.

Q: "How long's the next train?"
A : "6 carraiges"

If Humans go extinct, literally no one will care.

I used to be a bookworm.
Then I discovered books on tape.
Now I'm a tapeworm.

When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."

Don't blame a clown for acting like a clown,
ask yourself why you keep going to
the circus.

Onion rings.

What sounds do other vegetables make?

Экзекутор Жанне Д'Арк:
— Хотите что либо сказать перед началом казни?
— Не горю желанием.

Me: "Sorry boss can’t come in today my car has broken down".
Boss: "What about the bus?"
Me: "I don’t have a bus".

- My boat doesn't go as fast as I expected.
- You ought to put it on sale. That's a must.
- No, idiot, you put a sail on the mast. That's a yacht.

Is drowning yourself in a toilet considered sewercide?

I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house.
He Refused.

As an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac, I often lay awake wondering if there really is a Dog.

Why do sharks live in salt water? Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.
It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.

Why did Bono fall off the stage? He was too close to The Edge.

How does Santa take photos? With his North Polearoid.

"Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex".

There are three things I can never remember.
Ummm...

I don't like chairs. They go against everything I stand for.

If the plural of mouse is mice,
How come the plural of spouse isn't spice?

Nigga took my weed,I took his wheelchair now none of us is rolling.

Q) Who’s the coolest person in a hospital?
A) The ultra sound guy.

I once met a microbiologist.......

He was bigger than I imagined.

I'm addicted to dressing like a nun. I'd quit doing it but it's a hard habit to break...

Why do people say “Happy Birthday?”. The person just LOST another year of their life ... is that really a celebration?

"I was in darkness, but I took three steps and found myself in paradise. The first step was a good thought, the second, a good word; and the third, a good deed."
• Friedrich Nietzsche

Can vampires drink a priest's blood?

Dr:next.
Me:Doctor, people ignore me.
Dr:next.

What do you call a displeased finger?
Disappointed

I do all my addition in my head.
It's the thought that counts.

Today I went to this appointment......it ended in ......disappointment.

My dad had a map of the UK tattooed all over his body. Some people thought it a little strange, but at least you knew where you were with him.

Never judge a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

Then you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes.

I can't take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him.....

It's my fault for getting one that's pure Bread.

What’s the score between the sea and the shore?
It’s tide!

"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."

~ T. S. Eliot

I’ve been told I’m a bit of a heartbreaker.
Which is probably why I lost my job as a cardiologist

I'm making vegetarian roast beef.
I'm not vegetarian, but the cow was.

When I was a kid I loved yo-yos but it was an up an down relationship.

I looked in the dictionary to find out how to spell the word 'incorrect'.

They spelled it the same as me but then they said it was wrong.