Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

"La vida no se trata de esperar a que la tormenta pase, se trata de aprender a bailar bajo ella."

Estoy en una etapa de mi vida en la que si me dices que 2+2=6 está bien, eres un pendejo pero prefiero mi paz mental.

Why is there an L in Noel?

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

“The years are flying past and we all waste so much time wondering if we dare to do this or that. The thing is to leap, to try, to take a chance.”
Leonard Cohen

"No duermas para descansar, duerme para soñar. Porque los sueños están para cumplirse." - Walt Disney

I tried investing in the Spa business but it kept getting me into hot water!

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.

I asked how much the creature that looked like an ill octopus cost and what it was. The chap said "Sick squid"

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

I joined a dating site for arsonists. I got a match straight away.

“Once you choose hope,
anything is possible.”
~ Christopher Reeve

What do Siberia and golf have in common?
Taiga Woods.

Why do bears have fur coats? Because they’d look silly in suede jackets.

— Estuve internado en una clínica donde te quitan las ganas de fumar.
— ¿Pero si estás fumando?
— Sí, pero sin ganas.

My wife is kicking me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns...
'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.

What do you call a cow in a tornado? A milkshake.

To make 1 watermelon you need 2 hydromelon and 1 oxymelon...

Me: Wow that onion was strong!
Son: How did it get so strong?
Me: Exercise.
Son: I don't think onions exercise.
Me: That's why they're usually not as strong as this one was.

I wish Oxford and Cambridge would settle their differences.
I do hate to see them rowing.

I just found out that hotels skip the 13th floor and go straight to 14.
I don't know about you, but to me, it sounds like they’re taking superstition to another level.

What is the difference between a supermarket bag and Michael Jackson?
One is white, plastic, and dangerous for children to play with, and the other holds your groceries.

What's the difference between a jailer and a jeweler?
One sells watches and the other watches cells.

What’s the difference between a bad joke and a dad joke?
The first letter.

After my vacuum cleaner broke I realized it was the only thing in my life that doesn’t suck.

What are at the end of Bank Movies?
Credits.

If your children are looking for a career, have them consider farming. There’s good money in that field.

I jog. He jogs. She jogs. They jog. We jog.
This is a running joke.

I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.

It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.

If you don't have anything nice to say, say it anyway, because it might be really really funny.

I got chatting to this woman at the bus-stop this morning and she told me that people call her Vivaldi.
I asked her: “Is that because you’re a brilliant violinist?" She said: “No, it’s because my name is Viv and I work at Aldi.“

I'm not saying your opinion is stupid, I'm just saying you're stupid for having it.

“Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.”
~Charles Dickens

Gary Numan is older than Gary Oldman.

Люблю свободу и Россию,
хожу на психотерапию.

Ya'll wanna come over and watch porn on my big screen mirror?

The Hunchback of Notre Dame retired today.
He received two years back pay, a lump sum, and a case of Bells.

If you can't hear a pin drop, then something is definitely wrong with your bowling.

The walls at our local tennis equipment factory are so thin, that when you walk by, all you can hear is people making a racket...

Got a centipede as a pet and named him Yacht, so I can tell people I have a hundred foot yacht.

Wife: Darling, we should get married again on our 25th anniversary.
Man: Yeah, and this time let’s choose our partners wisely!!!

What if our phobias are based on how we died in a past life?

I used to have trouble with grammatical tenses, but not yet.

My mom bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.

I couldn't find the words to thank her.

The Great Lakes are all pretty cool but one’s Superior.

Go ahead and pronounce the "g" in lasagna. Nothin' matters anymore.

My doctor reckons I'm paranoid! Well, he didn't say it but I knew he was thinking it.

- Без еды можно прожить неделю.
- А смысл?
- А без смысла можно прожить всю жизнь...

I was once asked on a date by a beautiful woman with a really loud voice.

I had to turn her down.

The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl's purse is when it doesn't match what I'm wearing.

I watched my first porn movie last night..
Man I looked young back then...

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

My local tax office is a lovely place to work. Everybody counts.

What's round and angry?

A vicious circle.

When you love you wish to do things for. You wish to sacrifice for. You wish to serve. ~Ernest Hemingway

I have a feeling that my friend is a secret fan of the band Boston. In fact, it's more than a feeling...

So I went to my local Costa Coffee Shop and said to the barista:
"Can I have a cappuccino please?"
She said: '"Is that to sit in?"
I said: "No, I'm going to drink it."

Over £20k worth of wigs stolen last night, police are combing the area for evidence.

At our local chippy, they still use old newspaper to wrap up their fish and chips.
Yesterday I got a plaice in the sun.

Y = mx + b jokes are great but at some point we gotta draw the line.

Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers.
Most strippers have little or no coverage.

If I'm supposed to be the Best Man, why did she marry someone else?

The relationship between Husband and Wife is psychological: One is Pysco the other logical.
Up to you to figure out which is which...

Mickey Mouse got arrested for dangerous driving, or possibly a sex crime...

All i know is he was caught burning rubber in a Minnie.

Hear about the pair of socks that broke up? One always had to be right and the other one left....

Two pebbles get washed up on a beach.
One pebble says to the other: "Are you married?”
The other replies: "No, I’m shingle...

Two Teddy bears in the airing cupboard, which one is in the army?

The one on the tank.

What did the son say, when he saw Mia's tits?
"Mamma Mia, Mamma Mia"

How did the butcher introduce his wife?
Meat Patty.

So I asked the Librarian: "Do you have Great Expectations?"
She said: "I did but ended up working in a library".

- Рабинович, вы такой меркантильный, у меня нет слов!
- Могу пополнить ваш словарный запас за отдельную плату.

Шерстяные носки - это навязанные бабушкой ценности.

Because one liners are so short, accurate spelling is vital.

There's very little margarine for error.

Девушкам, у которых в 9 классе есть на что посмотреть, в 11 классе уже есть что рассказать.

Question: Which farmer is most likely to become a chemist?

👨‍🌾 Farmer A. 👨‍🌾 Farmer B.
👨‍🌾 Farmer C.

His orthodox unorthodoxy was a thing to behold.
Didn’t you mean orthodexy?
No. It ends in oxy, moron!

Anything is more interesting if it’s haunted.

What is it with writing names on food in the fridge? Today I ate a salad called Sandra.