Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

If you don't have anything nice to say, say it anyway, because it might be really really funny.

I got chatting to this woman at the bus-stop this morning and she told me that people call her Vivaldi.
I asked her: “Is that because you’re a brilliant violinist?" She said: “No, it’s because my name is Viv and I work at Aldi.“

I'm not saying your opinion is stupid, I'm just saying you're stupid for having it.

“Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.”
~Charles Dickens

Gary Numan is older than Gary Oldman.

Люблю свободу и Россию,
хожу на психотерапию.

Ya'll wanna come over and watch porn on my big screen mirror?

The Hunchback of Notre Dame retired today.
He received two years back pay, a lump sum, and a case of Bells.

If you can't hear a pin drop, then something is definitely wrong with your bowling.

The walls at our local tennis equipment factory are so thin, that when you walk by, all you can hear is people making a racket...

Got a centipede as a pet and named him Yacht, so I can tell people I have a hundred foot yacht.

Wife: Darling, we should get married again on our 25th anniversary.
Man: Yeah, and this time let’s choose our partners wisely!!!

What if our phobias are based on how we died in a past life?

I used to have trouble with grammatical tenses, but not yet.

My mom bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.

I couldn't find the words to thank her.

The Great Lakes are all pretty cool but one’s Superior.

Go ahead and pronounce the "g" in lasagna. Nothin' matters anymore.

My doctor reckons I'm paranoid! Well, he didn't say it but I knew he was thinking it.

- Без еды можно прожить неделю.
- А смысл?
- А без смысла можно прожить всю жизнь...

I was once asked on a date by a beautiful woman with a really loud voice.

I had to turn her down.

The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl's purse is when it doesn't match what I'm wearing.

I watched my first porn movie last night..
Man I looked young back then...

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

My local tax office is a lovely place to work. Everybody counts.

What's round and angry?

A vicious circle.

When you love you wish to do things for. You wish to sacrifice for. You wish to serve. ~Ernest Hemingway

I have a feeling that my friend is a secret fan of the band Boston. In fact, it's more than a feeling...

So I went to my local Costa Coffee Shop and said to the barista:
"Can I have a cappuccino please?"
She said: '"Is that to sit in?"
I said: "No, I'm going to drink it."

Over £20k worth of wigs stolen last night, police are combing the area for evidence.

At our local chippy, they still use old newspaper to wrap up their fish and chips.
Yesterday I got a plaice in the sun.

Y = mx + b jokes are great but at some point we gotta draw the line.

Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers.
Most strippers have little or no coverage.

If I'm supposed to be the Best Man, why did she marry someone else?

The relationship between Husband and Wife is psychological: One is Pysco the other logical.
Up to you to figure out which is which...

Mickey Mouse got arrested for dangerous driving, or possibly a sex crime...

All i know is he was caught burning rubber in a Minnie.

Hear about the pair of socks that broke up? One always had to be right and the other one left....

Two pebbles get washed up on a beach.
One pebble says to the other: "Are you married?”
The other replies: "No, I’m shingle...

Two Teddy bears in the airing cupboard, which one is in the army?

The one on the tank.

What did the son say, when he saw Mia's tits?
"Mamma Mia, Mamma Mia"

How did the butcher introduce his wife?
Meat Patty.

So I asked the Librarian: "Do you have Great Expectations?"
She said: "I did but ended up working in a library".

- Рабинович, вы такой меркантильный, у меня нет слов!
- Могу пополнить ваш словарный запас за отдельную плату.

Шерстяные носки - это навязанные бабушкой ценности.

Because one liners are so short, accurate spelling is vital.

There's very little margarine for error.

Девушкам, у которых в 9 классе есть на что посмотреть, в 11 классе уже есть что рассказать.

Question: Which farmer is most likely to become a chemist?

👨‍🌾 Farmer A. 👨‍🌾 Farmer B.
👨‍🌾 Farmer C.

His orthodox unorthodoxy was a thing to behold.
Didn’t you mean orthodexy?
No. It ends in oxy, moron!

Anything is more interesting if it’s haunted.

What is it with writing names on food in the fridge? Today I ate a salad called Sandra.

Jeff Bezos has stepped down as CEO of Amazon.

Apparently he wanted to quit while he was in his Prime.

- У меня все деньги уходят на психолога.
- Что же у тебя произошло??
- Я на ней женился.

I have an inferiority complex. But I don’t think it’s a very good one.

I've got quite good at ventriloquism.
Even though I say so myself.

What do you get when your wife makes kale chips and rice cakes for dinner?
Takeout.

My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff! It's enough to make a mango crazy.

"If you have a garden and a library,
you have everything you need."
~ Cicero

Use a #1 pencil sometimes. You deserve it.

Do new acupuncturists get on-the-jab training?

- Q: What Do NASA Programmers Eat ?
-
-
-
_
Launch.

What do you call a group of Killer Whales playing instruments?

An Orca-stra.

I used Dove today and only one quarter of my body feels moisturized.

Some thought Einstein had become a bit of a bore in his later years, always talking about his relatives.

Emotional unit of measurement?
Sentimeter.

Someone has just told me that I don't know how to shave properly...
bloody cheek!

I was at a job interview today.
The interviewer said to me, "On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery."
I said, "That's correct."
He said, "Would you like to elaborate?"
I said, "No..........”

I asked the hot dog seller, “Can I get a jumbo sausage?”

He said, “Sure, won’t be long.”

I said, “Shit. In that case, can I have two?”

На распродаже человеческих органов началась давка, и он еле успел унести ноги.

My wife said she is tired of my constant puns about car parts.
I said "Do you find it exhausting?"

Guess who I saw today? Everybody I looked at.

Where can you weigh a whale?
At a whale-weigh station.

A snail goes into a dealership, pay cash for a new car and asked the salesperson to have the body shop paint an "S" on each door. The salesperson asked why and the snail said so people will say, 'look at that escargot'.

I once typed witch instead of which. It was a spelling mistake.

"In every woman there is a Queen. Speak to the Queen and the Queen will answer."
~ Norwegian Proverb.

Turned up at the box office and asked for two tickets. "For Romeo and Juliet?" "No, for me and my wife".

"Virtue is what you do when nobody is looking. The rest is marketing."
~ Nassim Taleb

Kanye and Kim are splitting up.
She's moving North, he's staying West.

I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them.
Unfortunately, the police call it theft.

I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.

Took my car in for a service......
It was a real struggle getting it into the church.

Saw a priest in a mask who threw some holy water at me. A bit odd I know, but I think it's a blessing in disguise.