Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?

Plenty of room.

“I am a fool with a heart but no brains, and you are a fool with brains but no heart; and we’re both unhappy, and we both suffer.”

—Fyodor Dostoevsky

BREAKING: The Chancellor has announced that Cadbury's have just delivered a giant chocolate bar to The Bank of England...

It's a massive Boost for the economy!

I'm pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It's just that most of them aren't snitches.

Have you heard the conspiracy about Russian allotments? It's all just a communist plot.

Homophobia is bullshit! Let's just let homes get married.

- Доколе страной будут управлять евреи?!
- А на что вы таки рассчитывали, когда прилетали в Израиль?

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

With profound regret I have to announce the dissolution of the origami group. It folded last week.

Son : "Dad, what is a clitoris?"

Dad : "You should have asked me last night, son.... I had the answer on the tip of my tongue!"

If one kebab hasn't got enough filling and you take some from another kebab, is the second kebab a donor kebab?

Prince Charles went to the doctor's...

He said, "When I clear my throat, I smell of farts."

The doctor said, "D'you cough wind, sir?"

He said, "No, I'm Prince of Wales."

Daughter: “Daddy, why didn’t I get a sunburn?”
Dad: “You can’t, honey?”
Daughter: “Really?”
Dad: “You can only get a daughterburn.”

I got really mad at the lady plumber I used while we were down in the man hole.
- Sewer?
You bet I will !

My wife left me for an electrician.
He promised her the earth...

Just finished reading a book called 'The Amazing Basement'.
It's a Best Cellar.

Man goes into the doctor’s. Says “Doc, I have terrible constipation”.
Doctor says “what are you eating?” - man replies “well, snooker balls actually”.
Doctor says “tell me more”
Man explains “I start the day with a couple of red balls for breakfast, then I eat two whites and a yellow for lunch and normally for dinner I have a selection of blue, pink, brown and black balls”
Doctor says “I see what the problem is”
Man pleads “what is it Doc?”
“You’re not getting enough greens”

Just fell off the ladder while I was dusting my bookshelf, taking all my Charles Dickens novels with me.

I've fallen on hard times...

I've got a couple of sock hand puppets for sale if anybody is interested in taking them off of my hands.

There should be at least one "i" in cyclops.

BREAKING. Little Red Riding Hood has been found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her...

But she's not out of the woods yet!

Teacher: Johnny, if you had £5 and you asked your dad for another £5, how much would you have?
Johnny: £5, miss.
Teacher: You don't know your maths boy.
Johnny: You don't know my dad, miss.

"Puedes cerrar los ojos a las cosas que no quieres ver, pero no puedes cerrar tu corazón a las cosas que no quieres sentir." Johnny Depp

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

“You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No, I'm not," I laughed.

She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a pigeon? Voice mail.

Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.

It's half empty.

“Tired?”
~Married people foreplay

I entered my son’s room and said, "Remember, boy, masturbating can make you go blind."

“I'm over here dad,” he replied.

I put the scales in the bathroom corner and that's where she will stay until the little liar apologies.

Why is it so dark in my garden?
I planted several bulbs this morning.

A friend asked “As a little guy, was your mum super strict with you?”...

I said, “My mum was never a little guy”.

It's awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man and he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn.

I got an vinyl album of wasp sounds the other day. Played it, didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Then I realised I was playing the bee side.

How did Captain Hook die?
Wiped his bum with the wrong hand!

I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes....
It's only a draft at the moment.

I met Neil Armstrong once and he was surprisingly down to earth.

Yesterday i hit the gym, then drove off because i don't have car insurance.

her: I hate to lose

me: really? that’s my favourite French city

The best advice my mother ever gave me, “if your fart stinks, you need to poop”

Половина людей в мире доводит дело до конца, половина не...

My husband said that my belief in horoscopes nearly Taurus apart.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!

Son: Dad, how do I catch electric eels?

Dad: Easy - you just throw a click bait into the water.

Son: Got it. What's next?

Dad: What happens next will shock you!

- Здравствуйте! Это министерство добра и взаимопонимания?
- Пошёл на хер, у нас обед.

When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought "I'm not going to take this sitting down".

I asked my son how old spiderman was,he said,look on his web site...

3 bits of advice for you.
1. Don't listen to strangers.
2. Don't take advice from strangers.
3. Why are you still reading this?

What did the Michelin man do when he got too old to work?
He retired!

When I was a child my neighbours used to say that I was wild and didn't have the manners of a pig but my grandad stood up for me. He told them that I did!

All those who claim to be an expert in what they do need to understand that an ex is someone that is past and gone and a spert is a drip under pressure.

I've just started an online engraving course...
There's so much to learn though and so far we've hardly scratched the surface.

- First computer project that failed?
- Tower of Babel. Excellent hardware, but devs used too many languages.

This guy stopped me the other day and asked for directions to the army barracks. I said, "left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right".

Q: What do you call it when a Chickpea is murdered?
A: Hummuside.

Why don't worms have balls? Because they can't dance!!

The hospital you were born in is the only building you left without entering.

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, obviously,because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

When at home, polo ponies are more likely to play stable tennis.

- "My mum is from London, but my dad is from Helsinki."
- "Half Finnish?"
- "Sure. My mum is from London, mutta isäni on kotoisin Helsingistä."

An onion is the bass player of food. You would probably not enjoy it solo, but you’d miss it if it wasn’t there.

How do you make cheese even better??

You use a cheese GRATER.

"Aprende a vivir y sabrás morir bien."

—Confucio

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend...

but he kept asking her for another shot.

What's the definition of a will?
it's a dead give away.

"The truth is rarely pure and never simple.“

Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

King Tutankhamen. Over 2000 years old and still a mummy's boy.

If you bump your head on a coffeemaker, does it leave a brews?

"Are those lentils expired?"
"Nah, they're pretty relentiless"

Why is there no "i" in eye?.....
Y is there, no "i" in eye...

Welcome to the amnesia information website.
Please enter your 32 digit password.

The furniture store keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand

Wife: If I could do it all over again, I'd have 2 kids max.
Me: But what would you name the other 3?
Wife: GET OUT!

- Когда сильно тяжело, нужно сжать зубы в кулак!
- От таких слов волосы стынут в жилах.

—Hola, vengo a sacar mi licencia de conducir

—¡Pero esto es un hospital!

—Lo sé, es que lo tengo en el culo... Es una larga historia.

I visited China once and while I was there I bought myself a new pair of shoes. On the sole was a sticker which said....Made around corner.

Знаете ли вы, что российский авианосец, которого нет, и российский гиперзвуковой истребитель, которого нет, стоят вместе столько же, сколько усадьба российского министра обороны Шойгу, которая есть?

That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction.

I told my boss he should pay me what I'm worth.
He said he couldn't due to the minimum wage laws.

Up at 5am, 8km run completed, got home, prepared a vegetable smoothie for breakfast...
Don't remember the rest of the dream...

"La vida no se trata de esperar a que la tormenta pase, se trata de aprender a bailar bajo ella."