Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What do you call it when a bunch of old men clap?

Menapplause...

I’ve got a portrait of Diana Ross that I want to hang above my door but it’s proving difficult as there ain’t no mounting high enough...

When someone says, "off the beaten path," I think, why did they beat the path in the first place? It never did anything to deserve that...

My wife left a note on the kitchen table to tell me we were out of tea. I thanked her for the no-tea-fication.

When my grandkids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.

Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that crap!

Wife : Are you listening to me ?
Husband: Yes dear!
Wife : What did I just say?
Husband: Are you listening to me !

—La risa es la mejor medicina.

—Sí doctor, pero ya deje de hacerle cosquillas al paciente, ya murió.

How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?
You mean "a choir"?
Ok, then how much does it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?

La B es una P embarazada, por andar de puta.

I went into Gregg's and bought a sausage roll.
The lady behind the counter said " Do you want me to put it in the microwave for you?"
I said yes please...
So she followed me home...

if someone is a horrible liar, are they really good at lies or really bad at lies?

In these days of internet if you want to keep a woman happy, you'd better tweet her right.

Of course men and women can be friends without being attracted to each other. It's called "marriage."

Sad how some guys be willing to eat your ass but not willing to take your ass to eat.

If all the cars in the nation were pink,
It would be a pink carnation.

I love playing mind games with the missus.
Yesterday I bought her some flowers, and I've not even done anything wrong.

The feeling of Sunday is the same everywhere, heavy, melancholy, standing still.
Jean Rhys

Dr : you need to stop eating fatty .
Me : you mean like junk , sugary , oily food .
Dr: no fatty , you need to stop eating.

The wife and I took up woodworking. My friend said he didn't know we were carpenters. I replied "We've only just begun".

I decided to stop walking under billboards after one collapsed on top of me.

I took it as a sign from above.

My wife hated my impulse purchase of an expensive revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

HER: i work for the Red Cross.
ME: that's a huge plus.

Do you know what they do with all the bikes after the tour de France?
They recycle them.

I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don't really understand kites or insults.

Being unhappy is nothing to laugh about.

Most ornamental figurines found in gardens are only 30 cm tall and wear red hats... it's a little gnome fact.

There was a young lady from Hyde ,
who ate some green apples and died ,
the apples fermented ,
inside the lamented
,and made cider inside her insides.

How do you embarrass a Psychic?
Throw him a surprise party!

- Железный Дровосек, а почему ты такой смелый?
- Потому что у меня железное очко.

What's a specimen?

An Italian astronaut.

Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them

My daughter came back from school with her report card. "Look Dad." she said "My grades spell ABBA." "That's great!" I said "Does your mother know?"

Hospitality: making your friends feel at home even when you wish they were.

LICK HER C SECTION SCAR & WHISPER
“I LOVE YOU MY LIL ZIPLOCK BAG”.

Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
~ Oscar Wilde

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.

Customer: I would like to buy a pound of potatoes.
Sales guy: We dont name it that anymore.
Customer: Hmm how do you name it now?
Sales guy: We name it kilo.
Customer: Ok, then gimme a pound of kilo.

Do train drivers ever get qualified or are they always training?

The inventor of the throat lozenge died last week!
There was no cough-in at his funeral!

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is.

Waiter: “How do you like your steak, sir”?

Sir: “Like winning an argument with my wife”.

Waiter “Rare it is!”.

Mars is my favorite planet.
Uranus is number two.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the first telephone it didn’t work. It wasn’t until he invented the second telephone that he had any success.

Me when working:
10% coding,
40% googling,
50% thinking how to hack NASA using Photoshop.

- Сарочка, как ты, дорогая?
- Всё так же дорого, Изя.

Why was the biscuit crying?

His mum was a wafer too long.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on fire.

He said, "We've just put them out."

– Сёма, ты где деньги берёшь?
– Я работаю.
– Это я знаю. А деньги-то где берёшь?

I'd tell you an abdomen joke, but I have no stomach for it.

How do make a sausage roll ?
Push down a hill .

I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love, but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it. It’s all about balance.

When I to go to bars I always order a Shingle Roof because it's on the house.

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
― A.A. Milne

I made the symbols on my desk top larger.
Icon see clearly now!

If you want to start a music company, you’d better have a sound business plan.

К Пасхе яйца красят. К 8 марта - бреют. Не перепутайте.

What's black and white and has four wheels?
A penguin. I lied about the wheels.

My therapist just told me I have extreme difficulty in picking up social cues.
I think she is in love with me.

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.

"There is no conversation more boring than the one where everybody agrees."

—Michel de Montaigne, Essais

Lab jokers really have a science of humor.

“We’ve got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it’s going to get on by itself. You’ve got to keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it and nurture it.”
― John Lennon

Someone removed the 5th month from all of my calendars.
I am so disMAYed.

Sex without condoms is magical.
.
.
A baby appears, and father disappears.

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on shore like an idiot.

I regret to say I was fired from the herb company. They said I wasted too much thyme.

"She loves me all that she can,
And her ways to my ways resign;
But she was not made for any man,
And she never will be all mine."

—Edna St. Vincent Millay

Attractive doctors and nurses never get accurate pulse readings from their patients.

Where do Tigers Live?

In the Tiger Woods.

I said to my doctor, "I'm having serious problems with my memory."

He said, "Give me an example."

I said, "The other day I spent two hours in a multi storey car park trying to remember where I'd parked my car."

He laughed and said, "That's nothing to worry about, we've all done that."

I said, "I don't own a car."

Does anyone know the first name of Principal Skinner in The Simpsons....see more

If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.

Are ants that help other ants called assist ants?

A time traveller.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?

- I spent yesterday really studying glass containers with lids.
- Day jar view?
- No, it’s the first time I’ve ever done it

The police interviewed a sloth who was mugged by some tortoises. He said, "it all happened so quickly".

What should a man call a wink from his wife?
Wife eye connection.

Someone just asked me when the clocks go forward?
I said, All the time!