Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Экзекутор Жанне Д'Арк:
— Хотите что либо сказать перед началом казни?
— Не горю желанием.

Me: "Sorry boss can’t come in today my car has broken down".
Boss: "What about the bus?"
Me: "I don’t have a bus".

- My boat doesn't go as fast as I expected.
- You ought to put it on sale. That's a must.
- No, idiot, you put a sail on the mast. That's a yacht.

Is drowning yourself in a toilet considered sewercide?

I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house.
He Refused.

As an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac, I often lay awake wondering if there really is a Dog.

Why do sharks live in salt water? Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.
It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.

Why did Bono fall off the stage? He was too close to The Edge.

How does Santa take photos? With his North Polearoid.

"Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex".

There are three things I can never remember.
Ummm...

I don't like chairs. They go against everything I stand for.

If the plural of mouse is mice,
How come the plural of spouse isn't spice?

Nigga took my weed,I took his wheelchair now none of us is rolling.

Q) Who’s the coolest person in a hospital?
A) The ultra sound guy.

I once met a microbiologist.......

He was bigger than I imagined.

I'm addicted to dressing like a nun. I'd quit doing it but it's a hard habit to break...

Why do people say “Happy Birthday?”. The person just LOST another year of their life ... is that really a celebration?

"I was in darkness, but I took three steps and found myself in paradise. The first step was a good thought, the second, a good word; and the third, a good deed."
• Friedrich Nietzsche

Can vampires drink a priest's blood?

Dr:next.
Me:Doctor, people ignore me.
Dr:next.

What do you call a displeased finger?
Disappointed

I do all my addition in my head.
It's the thought that counts.

Today I went to this appointment......it ended in ......disappointment.

My dad had a map of the UK tattooed all over his body. Some people thought it a little strange, but at least you knew where you were with him.

Never judge a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

Then you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes.

I can't take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him.....

It's my fault for getting one that's pure Bread.

What’s the score between the sea and the shore?
It’s tide!

"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."

~ T. S. Eliot

I’ve been told I’m a bit of a heartbreaker.
Which is probably why I lost my job as a cardiologist

I'm making vegetarian roast beef.
I'm not vegetarian, but the cow was.

When I was a kid I loved yo-yos but it was an up an down relationship.

I looked in the dictionary to find out how to spell the word 'incorrect'.

They spelled it the same as me but then they said it was wrong.

По статистике бородатые мужчины изменяют чаще, чем бородатые женщины.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…You can't tell me that's just a coincidence !

An adjective for metal is metallic, but not for iron, which is ironic.

What do you call in insect on the moon? A lunar tick.

IF WHOOPY GOLDBURGH MARRIED PETER CUSHION SHE WOULD BE MRS WHOOPY CHUSHION.

My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't give up my obsession with The Human League...
I said 'Don't you want me baby?'

"Civilization is like a thin layer of ice upon a deep ocean of chaos and darkness."
Werner Herzog

I have a great joke about construction...I am still working on it.

The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.

Insomnia is very common, try not to lose any sleep over it.

“He is free to evade reality, he is free to unfocus his mind and stumble blindly down any road he pleases, but not free to avoid the abyss he refuses to see.”
― Ayn Rand

By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I've likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.

"I was born in England"

"Really? What part?"

"All of me....."

My electric bill’s so big this month, I call it an electric William.

- И всё-таки наша жизнь улучшилась: в СССР металлолом и макулатуру вынуждены были собирать пионеры, а теперь этим занимаются только бомжи.
- Так это они и есть. Выросли!

“To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.”
~ Robert Morley

French police have refused entry to a Mrs Gemma Pell until she gives them her name.

Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer.
Bad news: Not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.

You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on.

What do we want?
New hearing aids!
When do we want them?
New hearing aids!

На собеседовании.
- Можете назвать своё главное достоинство и главный недостаток?
- Член 23 сантиметра и склонность к преувеличениям.

- Здравствуйте, Рабинович! Куда спешите?
- Да вот, хочу свечку поставить.
- Так Ханука прошла!
- А геморрой нет..

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

Introverts are like a slow website. They might be coolest website but usually people don’t wait that long for them to open.

What do you call a fish with two knees?
Two knee fish....

Why doesn't Cookie Monster have good privacy?
He always accepts the cookies.

Dr. John Watson: "Sherlock, what is your favorite plant?"

Sherlock Holmes: "A Lemon Tree, my dear Watson!"

Love is just your DNA trying to make a new body so it can live without you.

Why are flies called flies, if fish aren't called swims?

I don't mind Genetically Modified foods...
I've just had a lovely leg of salmon....

This morning I was shaving my private part and I was using my phone camera as a mirror. Everything was going very well not until I started getting likes on Facebook.

“The woman sells her body because the man has sold his soul. You can apprehend one, but the other, the true culprit, escapes altogether because he is anonymous and legion."
~ Abdul Hadi (Ivan Agueli, the teacher of René Guénon)

There's a great documentary about purfume on tonight.........
It's on Chanel No5

Had a mixup at Lidl today...
When the cashier said “strip down facing me,” apparently she was referring to my credit card.

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards.
That's right. The steaks were pretty high.

Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?

I wasn't sure what to wear to my Premature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting...
...so I just came in my pants.

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I've been told.
Twice now.

My wife and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

What did the HTML coding dog say?

Href Href!

My wife said to me, "I know you've been cheating with that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch."
I said, "How can you say such a thing?"

Two things which everyone hates :
1. change
2. the way things are.

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

I can't stand driving, I find the roof is too low.

" If Poetry comes not as naturally as the leaves to a tree, it had better not come at all."
• John Keats

I USED TO BE A MAKE-UP ARTIST IN THE MOVIES SON.
REALLY DAD?
NO, NOT REALLY, I JUST MADE IT UP.