Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Two Teddy bears in the airing cupboard, which one is in the army?

The one on the tank.

What did the son say, when he saw Mia's tits?
"Mamma Mia, Mamma Mia"

How did the butcher introduce his wife?
Meat Patty.

So I asked the Librarian: "Do you have Great Expectations?"
She said: "I did but ended up working in a library".

- Рабинович, вы такой меркантильный, у меня нет слов!
- Могу пополнить ваш словарный запас за отдельную плату.

Шерстяные носки - это навязанные бабушкой ценности.

Because one liners are so short, accurate spelling is vital.

There's very little margarine for error.

Девушкам, у которых в 9 классе есть на что посмотреть, в 11 классе уже есть что рассказать.

Question: Which farmer is most likely to become a chemist?

👨‍🌾 Farmer A. 👨‍🌾 Farmer B.
👨‍🌾 Farmer C.

His orthodox unorthodoxy was a thing to behold.
Didn’t you mean orthodexy?
No. It ends in oxy, moron!

Anything is more interesting if it’s haunted.

What is it with writing names on food in the fridge? Today I ate a salad called Sandra.

Jeff Bezos has stepped down as CEO of Amazon.

Apparently he wanted to quit while he was in his Prime.

- У меня все деньги уходят на психолога.
- Что же у тебя произошло??
- Я на ней женился.

I have an inferiority complex. But I don’t think it’s a very good one.

I've got quite good at ventriloquism.
Even though I say so myself.

What do you get when your wife makes kale chips and rice cakes for dinner?
Takeout.

My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff! It's enough to make a mango crazy.

"If you have a garden and a library,
you have everything you need."
~ Cicero

Use a #1 pencil sometimes. You deserve it.

Do new acupuncturists get on-the-jab training?

- Q: What Do NASA Programmers Eat ?
-
-
-
_
Launch.

What do you call a group of Killer Whales playing instruments?

An Orca-stra.

I used Dove today and only one quarter of my body feels moisturized.

Some thought Einstein had become a bit of a bore in his later years, always talking about his relatives.

Emotional unit of measurement?
Sentimeter.

Someone has just told me that I don't know how to shave properly...
bloody cheek!

I was at a job interview today.
The interviewer said to me, "On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery."
I said, "That's correct."
He said, "Would you like to elaborate?"
I said, "No..........”

I asked the hot dog seller, “Can I get a jumbo sausage?”

He said, “Sure, won’t be long.”

I said, “Shit. In that case, can I have two?”

На распродаже человеческих органов началась давка, и он еле успел унести ноги.

My wife said she is tired of my constant puns about car parts.
I said "Do you find it exhausting?"

Guess who I saw today? Everybody I looked at.

Where can you weigh a whale?
At a whale-weigh station.

A snail goes into a dealership, pay cash for a new car and asked the salesperson to have the body shop paint an "S" on each door. The salesperson asked why and the snail said so people will say, 'look at that escargot'.

I once typed witch instead of which. It was a spelling mistake.

"In every woman there is a Queen. Speak to the Queen and the Queen will answer."
~ Norwegian Proverb.

Turned up at the box office and asked for two tickets. "For Romeo and Juliet?" "No, for me and my wife".

"Virtue is what you do when nobody is looking. The rest is marketing."
~ Nassim Taleb

Kanye and Kim are splitting up.
She's moving North, he's staying West.

I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them.
Unfortunately, the police call it theft.

I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.

Took my car in for a service......
It was a real struggle getting it into the church.

Saw a priest in a mask who threw some holy water at me. A bit odd I know, but I think it's a blessing in disguise.

Its better to cum in the shower, than to shower in the cum.

For those struggling with English:
Don't = Do Not
Won't = Wo Not
You're welcome.

Almost every house has a hot water heater. Why? You don't need to heat hot water.

Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made laser noises.

" We are writers, my love.
We don't cry, we bleed on papers."

It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window. If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.

My friend claims he can print a gun using a 3D printer. I'm not impressed, I've had a Canon printer for years.

Captain Kirk always went to the ladies washroom, cause he wanted to go where no man has ever gone before..

Had a fine job at the sandpaper factory but rubbed them the wrong way and was fired of coarse.

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into a glass. Just wanted to make that clear.

My mate Dave went to see his doctor yesterday.
Dave said to the doctor "I applied that haemorrhoid cream you gave me and I got a very nasty reaction."
"Where exactly did you apply it?" the doctor asked.
“On the bus!” said Dave

—Mamá, ¿Por qué se obsesionan en prevenir el embarazo adolescente?
—Pregúntale a tu Papá
—Pero nunca lo conocí
—Exacto.

A group of weather forecasters are called stormtroopers.

Why was the cheese crying?
Because it was bleu!

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluf.
What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluf holding its breath.

A prospective husband goes into a book shop “Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?
Sales Girl : “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!”.

My wife told me that Vacation sex is the best sex......
Not gonna lie, that was an awkward postcard to receive.

Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?"
Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.

Mr Bigger married and they had a baby.
Who in the family was bigger?
A: baby Bigger. He was a little bigger!

- Мадам, что вы можете сказать в своё оправдание?
- Да что угодно!

What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu????
One requires tweet-ment and the other requires oink-ment.

Picked up a carrot and asked the grocer if I could buy the rest of the snowman.

Sat down next to a girl in a bar and drew a mark on her face
She said:"Is that your best line?”

Sometimes, I'm offended at how easily offended some people get.

2 clowns eating a cannibal,
1 says to the other, “i think that we may have got this joke wrong”

Heisenburg was driving on the autobahn, when he was pulled over by the police. “Excuse me sir,” said the policeman, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“No,” replied Heisenburg, “But I know where I am!”

I just joined the Viagra Club and I’m already a member in good standing.

I’ve just been informed that my application to be a quicksand rescue officer was successful

It hasn’t quite sunk in yet ..

When The Edge was at school, he was a border.

As I was getting in bed, she said, "you’re drunk."

I said, "How do you know?"

She said, "You live next door."

-Ты откуда так хорошо знаешь идиш?
-А у нас в школе учитель английского был еврей.

"Every word has consequences. Every silence, too."
— Jean Paul Sartre

What happens when someone knits backwards?
They stink.

"He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words."

• Elbert Hubbard

We all have faults.
It's just that mine are better than yours.

I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

The doctor said I'm going deaf. That news was hard for me to hear.