Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I read somewhere smelling Rosemary increases memory by 70% !!
Don't know why she slapped me .

What cat should you never play cards with? A Cheetah!

My doctor said my sodium level was pretty high so I went home and put it on a lower shelf.

It's too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

If people living in New York are called New yorkers...Are people living in Hamburg called hamburgers?

What's black and white and says "Oooo"?
A cow with no lips.

I knew an optometrist who fell into his glass making machine and made a spectacle of himself .

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes.
Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years but they’re having a really hard time…
…putting their case together.

My Dentist: You need a crown.
Me: Finally, someone who understands me.

I was in a pub when a young man sat down on the stool next to me and started crying.
"What's the matter?", I asked.
"21 today", he replied.
"In that case have a drink with me on this special day" I said hoping to cheer him up.
I bought him a pint and he downed it in one go.
"22 today" , he said....

2 Aussies were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approached it and were amazed at its size.
The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second said, "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
So, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three and heaved it in.
As they were standing there, looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.
While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.
Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "G'day, you blokes didn't happen to see my goat?"
The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about 100 MPH and jumped head first into this hole!"
The old farmer said, "Nah, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gear box!!..

I went to the doctor and said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’
He gave me a kite...

4 blokes walk into a London pub and order 4 pints of beer.
The Landlord is serving and says "That'll be 40 pence please".
30 minutes later they order another 4 pints of beer. Again, the round comes to 40 pence. They look at each other in disbelief. One chap pipes up and asks the landlord "Excuse me Sir, we've now bought 2 rounds of drinks and haven't even spent a pound yet. How do you sell it so cheap?"
"Well", the landlord said, "A few years ago I came into a lot of money by winning the lottery. I always promised myself that I would like to buy my own pub and pass on my good fortune to others, hence why beer is 10 pence a pint ".
"Oh,wow!" said one of the men. "But tell me, there's a group of men over there sat at the table who haven't bought anything since we've been here, what's up with them? "
"Oh them" said the landlord, "They're down from Scotland for the day and are waiting for Happy Hour half-price drinks ".

Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.

Your laundry is never 100% done unless you wash your clothes naked.

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.

Duck puns usually aren't all they're quacked up to be.

My favorite teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle...strange name but she tortoise well.

The recipe said, ‘Set the oven to 180 degrees’.

Now I can’t open it because the door is facing the wall.

You are allowed to send e-mails to people in prison...
as long as you don't attach a file.

If a deaf person is summoned to court is it still called a hearing?

Latest News on Immigration.
In future, all incoming Doctors will be vetted and all Vets will be doctored.

I've got the body of a porn star....
All my clothes says XXXX.

Why George Washington slept sitting upright?
Because he would not lie.

Sometimes I walk by my clock just to pass the time.

"Dad, what's the difference between a Barrister and a Barista?"
"About £900 an hour son".

Why did the little boy salute the fridge?
Because it was a General Electric!

Kid: "Dad what's leather made from?"
Dad: "Hide"
Kid: "What???"
Dad: "Hide... a cows outside"
Kid: "I'm not afraid of a cow..."

What do you call a herd of sheep tumbling down a hill ?

A lambslide.

I bought a cheap Jack-in-the-box which doesn't work properly.
No surprises there...

I just bought some left-hand drill bits, but they just don't look right.

Are members of the House of Lords susceptible to peer pressure?

I used to date a man from the future, but we broke up.
I found out he was two-timing me!

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I'm on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

"When you say 'yes' to others, make sure you're not saying 'no' to your self."
~Paulo Coelho

Why are circus performers often stressed? Because their job is in tents.

I just looked down at my shoes and one of them is not Right!

When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.

I was named after my dad. Because I could not possibly be named before him!

Yorkshire Constabulary have had all of their maps stolen. A spokesman said that they are searching for Leeds.

Why does a fireman wear RED suspenders?
To keep his pants up!

Stephen King has a son named Joe. I’m not joking, but he is.

Россиян призвали готовиться к подорожанию яиц и курицы.
Но что же подорожает первым: яйцо или курица?

—¿Qué tomas para ser feliz?
—Decisiones.

“If a nation loses its storytellers, it loses its childhood.”
- Peter Handke

I like making jokes about vegans...
but never about tofu, that's just tasteless.

What do you call when you have two icicles side by side?
Bicycles.

How do you tie 2 Hondas together?
With Accord.

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

When one door closes, another one opens.... That's when you realize that you've bought a really bad second hand car.

I've sold my Crystal Ball.
I couldn't see any Future in it.
And I'm not a Medium any more, I'm a Large..

My wife: “Wow that took longer than usual!”

ME: “I know! I couldn’t get him to settle down..”

My wife: “Well, maybe it was all that Metallica you were playing upstairs?”

ME: “Hey! It was YOUR idea for me to rock
him to sleep!!

Ты себя недооцениваешь. Ты можешь еще хуже!

My granddaughter Eva: “Make a noise like a frog , Granddad.”
Me: Why on Earth should I do that?”
Eva: “ Daddy says when you croak we are all going to Disneyland.”

My brother asked me a few days ago. Do you know how to put these table and chairs together?
I said I had no IKEA.

He told me he's studying forensics
Big Deal.
I learnt it in grade IV . Its ten.

FUN FACT!
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk...
It's one of the few animals that can make its own custard!

Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.

Bill: l went Potholing last week.
Bob: In the Yorkshire Dales or the Peak District?
Bill: No, in my car

- Я не справлюсь...
- Больше уверенности!
- Я уверен, что не справлюсь!

Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.

Paul McCartney has been asked to improve the Syrian President's skimpy underwear.
Take Assad's thong and make it better.

A local bank is introducing a cash machine built in to a tree. If it’s successful, they might expand to other branches.

"There's no sinner like a young saint."
~ Aphra Behn

“You either like me or you don’t. It took me twenty-something years to learn how to love myself, I don’t have that kinda time to convince somebody else.”
— Daniel Franzese

‘The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.’
- Isaac Asimov

Hyphenated
Non-hyphenated.

Fun Fact
Honey is bee vomit.

Little girl: "Grandma you’ve had four husbands in your long life , what did they all work as?"
Grandma: "The first was a banker , the second a circus acrobat, the third was a tailor and your grandad is an undertaker".
Little girl: "Wow different jobs!"
Grandma: "Yes it’s one for the money, two for the show , three to get ready and four to go".

A frog jumped on my lap.
It said,kiss me and I’ll turn into a beautiful woman!
I started to put it in my pocket, it said to me. What are you doing?
I responded, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog!

Why did the bowling pins refuse to get up after being knocked down?
Because they were on strike.

My life has never gone according to plan. So I just stopped planning.

I saw my doctor to complain about my tendency to fall on the floor while eating. He said I had oily stools.

Don’t take yourself too seriously. No one else does.

Did you hear about the competition between animators?

It ended in a draw.

When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid, she becomes a Def Leppard...

Tired all the time?
Don't worry!
There's an nap for that!!

I met this beautiful woman in France. We hit it off really good. We started dating and Eiffel for her.