Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My bag for life died this morning. Should I be worried?

Наконец-то выяснилось, кто пишет на дверях Пенсионного фонда "Цой жив".
Это делает пенсионер Иван Иванович Цой, которому вот уже третий месяц не выплачивают пенсию.

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.

I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards....

Собеседование:
HR: Как у вас обстоят дела с Excel?
Я: Я его ненавижу.
HR: Понятно, то есть пользователь с опытом.

Penguin walks into an airport, security stops him and says:
"Penguins can't fly."

Even though I can't sing or dance I've been asked to join a Take That tribute act as Gary. Yeah, they've really set the bar low.

- My friend has gone into the sandwich business selling Cheese & Ham.
- On a roll?
- Absolutely, business is booming!

Albert Einstein, a busy man famed for his theory of relativity but I am still not sure where he got all his energy from.

Knock, knock
----Who's There?
----Luke
----Luke who?
----Luke through the peep hole and find out.

I heard Mr. Rodgers & MC Hammer wrote several Broadway shows together. They went by Roger's & Hammertime.

How to lose weight: Turn your head to the left, and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise whenever offered food!

WHO BUILT THE 1st PLANE NOT TO FLY?
THE WRONG BROTHERS.

Однажды один богач попросил Шаляпина спеть на вечеринке.
- Тысяча рублей, - сказал Шаляпин.
Это была очень, очень, очень большая сумма.
- Хорошо, - сказал богач, желая ущучить певца за жадность. - Я согласен. Но только одно условие. Вы споете и тут же уйдете, не останетесь с нами на ужин.
- Что ж вы сразу не сказали? - отвечал Шаляпин. - Если не оставаться с вами на ужин, тогда я и за пятьсот спою!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Most poems rhyme
But this one doesn't

Nothing in French starts with an R and ends in an N.

Correct me if I’m rong.

How do you make Budweiser?
Send him to school!

Why is Chopin's "Minute Waltz" two minutes and six seconds long?

The worst possible time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I grilled a chicken for two hours yesterday, and the thing still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road!!

Два профессора-математика:
- Коллега, мне кажется, эта криволинейная поверхность в пределе стремится к плоскости - И не говорите, коллега! Сисек почти нет...

I took a robot out for a meal, but he didn’t enjoy it.
He liked the starters, but he was turned off by the mains.

BREAKING NEWS: The cold weather is to to last until it gets warmer!!

The wife just phoned me from work and said
" Three of the girls in the office have just had flowers delivered, they're absolutely gorgeous.
I said " That's probably why they got the flowers then love!"

If a spider catches more moths than they need, can they sell them on the web?

Two mates were going to share a bottle of beer.
The first bloke put it to is mouth and, in one go, drank the lot.
"What are you doing?" screamed the other bloke- you've drunk my share as well!"
"Sorry" said his mate: "It's not my fault - my half was at the bottom!"

Why did the banana go to the Dr?
It wasn’t peeling very well.

I’ve got my first part in a local amateur dramatics production. I’m playing the part of “A husband”. I’m hoping to get a speaking part next time.

I really like ceilings... I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.

Just traded 100 raisins for 50 plums I cannot believe today's currant exchange rate!

A penguin walks into a bar,
Goes to the counter and says to the barman,
Have you seen my brother?
The barman says,
I don't know,
What does he look like ?

What did the policeman say to his belly button?
Your under a vest.

Friend of mine had a girlfriend called Arial for a while, but they split up. She just wasn’t his type.

If Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God.
Does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?

What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.

“Books are mirrors: you only see in them what you already have inside you.”
― Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Shadow of the Wind

Ever heard the Valentine's Day story about the couple that met at a dairy farm?...
It's kinda cheesy.

I gave blood today. I know it's not the best gift to give my wife for Valentine's Day.
But it came from the heart.

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.
~Erich Fromm

“Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic”

— Frida Kahlo

'Doubt thou the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love.'

― William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Tide Pods: we have the dumbest consumers ever.
Gorilla Glue: hold my beer.

Китайцы придумали противозачаточные таблетки для пассивных геев. И, надо сказать, ещё не было ни одного случая, чтобы они не сработали!

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

For years now, I've been getting a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer.
So, I'm pretty sad I've not got one this year...
First my granny dies, now this?

“Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty.”
― Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, The Gulag Archipelago

Dave got fired from his job for asking the customers “smoking” or “non smoking.” Apparently the correct terms are “burial” or “cremation.”

Why are they called "Buildings"?
Shouldn't they be called "Builts"?

“Whatever you are, be a good one.” —Abraham Lincoln

Suspect there will never be an edible version of Scrabble, but if there is, I’ll eat my words.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.......

An archaeologist recently married one of his co-workers.
It was love at first site.

“Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.”
– Paulo Coelho

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane.

What does a pizza guy use to cut his hair?
Little Caesars!

"La tolerancia es un crimen cuando lo que se tolera es la maldad".
Thomas Mann

I don't think I'm as nostalgic as I used to be.

I went to the boomerang store the other day.
They have a great return policy.

-What type of TV do squirrels watch?
- Nut-flix.

My brother called me from his prison quarters. He has a cell phone.

I'm reading a romantic book in braille, its a touching story.

An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.

Я же одну просил купить.
Одной не было.

Everything you say should be true,
But not everything true should be said.
-Voltaire

Q: What's the advantage of being a test tube baby?
A: You get a womb with a view.

My wife thinks we should allow our pets to share our bed. I finally gave in.
After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.

What is the richest fish in the sea?????
The goldfish.

Why did the salad always go to a nude beach?
Because it didn't like dressing.

A goalie's goal in life is to have no goals.

Love is two people who decide to know more about each other.
More than they know about themselves.

In the binary world, a scale of 1 to 10 doesn't give you many options.

I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

Some people say putting helium in animals is wrong. I say whatever floats your goat.

Guy walks into a bar waving a pistol in the air shouting I have a colt 45 extended barrel with 7 rounds and 1 in the chamber now who has been sleeping with my wife? A voice from the back shouts you need more ammo mate.

Why don't they award medals in the luge?
Even if you're in first place, you're still a luger.

Just bought a book on Feng Shui..........
I can't decide where to put it.

I’m positive I lost an electron... better keep an ion that.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.