Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I've never really fancied trying the bobsleigh but I'd probably have a go if pushed...

Years ago, I dated a woman who worked at Kodak Film Company.
Nothing developed.

Why did Santa put his CDs in the snow? He wanted some cool music...

— Здравствуйте, доктор, у меня болит живот.
— А что вы вчера ели?
— Голубя ел.
— А вы голого голубя ели?
— Да, поймал, ощипал и голого голубя ел.
— А вы голову голубя ели?
— Да, голову голубя ел.
— А вы голую голову голубя ели?
— Ну, голую голову голубя ел. А в чём, собственно, дело?
— Хм-м-м... Честно говоря, я логопед, но чем смог — помог!

A friend of mine had a very successful round of golf, then went to let the dentist have a look at his teeth. He got a hole in one.

Girl, are you Jupiter? because I like looking at you through a telescope.

I gave my french girlfriend a pendant with "le monde" carved in.

It means the world to her.

Banks should do a better job to ensure their ATMs are filled. I have gone to 5 ATMs and they are all saying insufficient funds.

I have this uncontrollable urge to buy whenever there's a book sale.

I don't have shelf control.

Why do farts smell?
.
.
.
So deaf people have something to laugh at, too.

"What is a bunny without a carrot?" - "Hungry!"

The first house I lived in was so bad, the Council pulled it down and built a slum!

Seeking one night stand... possibly two because I have two lamps.

We we’re so poor growing up. We couldn’t even afford clothes.
On my 15th birthday I got a hat so I could look out of the window.

Q What’s the difference between a giraffe and a forklift truck?
A a forklift truck has hydraulics.

Q What’s the difference between a giraffe and a forklift truck?
A a forklift truck has hydraulics.

What's the most stupid animal in a jungle?

A polar bear.

What did the science book say to the math book before their break up?

“I’m incomplete without you but you’ve got too many problems and no chemistry”

Why did one frog refuse to say 'Hi' to another?
He was a toadal stranger!

«Las personas que prefieren estar solas tienen algunas malditas buenas razones para ello».
—Charles Bukowski.

My son wanted to be a history teacher, but I told him there's no future in it!

If you go outside, you will be outstanding.

Me: I'd like to buy a hotdog with ketchup, please.
Vendor: Sorry...cash only.

My grandmother's last words before she kicked the bucket were, 'Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?'

I'm thinking of going into the balloon business. Costs may be inflated, but I hear there's lots of expansion potential.

What kind of tea do astronauts not drink in space? Gravi-Tea!

Главное это не попутать практикующего психолога с психующим проктологом.

Pretty sure I got a new job at a masonry company, but it’s not set in stone yet so I’m not taking it for granite.

Как правильно писать : "приехал к ней, наорал" или "приехал к ней на орал" ?

A friend of mine thought that the local farmer was a magician because he heard that he had turned his cows into a field.

My wife thinks I'm an intellect without any social awareness. How she words it "You're an asshole"

I went to the local book shop and asked where the self help section was. The shop assistant told me that if she told me where it was, that would defeat the purpose.

The wife asked me what’s best thing about a blow job?

I replied, the five minutes of silence!

My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them.

Mark Zuckerberg went to the Library to ask if they have a book on Faces.

Every time my son asks me to put his shoes on, I tell him they won’t fit me.

Roof repair man never turned up today. I'm guttered.

Whats E.T short for?
Because hes only got little legs.

My new years resolution is to stop using spray deodorant, roll on next year.

After having no luck ice fishing, my wife suggests that maybe I should stop dropping those one liners.

What is Hollywood's favorite celebrity meat? Kevin Bacon.

On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.

Q.What do you get when you cross a computer & a burger?
A big Mac!

The automobile tire installer finally retired.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

Endless love - when Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder play tennis.

What did George Washington tell his men before getting in the boat to cross the Delaware? "Men, get in the boat."

What did the magician use to walk through the wall?
The Door.

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.

I suspected my wife was having an affair with Simon Le Bon.

I confronted her the other night and asked : ‘Is there something I should know?’

Remove all electrons from your mind this year, in other words, stay positive.

I have just seen two 1 quid coins having a boxing match.

That was the best pound for pound fight I've ever seen! ☺️

I told the wife we should name the third kid 'crowd'.
She didn't get it.

Why can't Brachiosauruses do pull-ups?
Because they're extinct.

La clave está en encontrar a alguien con quien aburrirse sea divertido.

— Папа, смотри, сиськи на ёлке!
— Где?! Блин, и за что я логопеду плачу?!

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

After touring Britain's farmland, one Prime Minister was moved to write a book about it.
She called it:
THATCHER IN THE RYE.

Robin: The batmobile needs a new battery.

Batman: What's a tery?

How do you catch rabbits?
Answer: hide behind a bush and make a noise like a carrot.

My german girl friend used to rate me in bed on a scale of 1 to 10. I never got close to 10 except when i tried anal. She kept on shouting. Ohh nine nine nine.

A man goes to dentist and says “I think I’m a moth”. The dentist says “ So why have you come here then?” And the man says “the light was on “.

I played scrabble with my wife last night.
It's the only way I can get a word in.

I got asked today:
“Who would you most like to be stuck in a lift with?”
I said: “Obviously a lift engineer.”

Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally.

Me: “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”

Q: Why is the dieting advice to “eat light” so dangerous?

A: That’s how you become a black hole.

I wonder if my Vets receptionist realises how many peoples passwords she knows?

I get paid weekly. Very weakly!

An actor I know kept falling through the floor in pantomime. I think it was just a stage he was going through.

What word starts with "e", ends with "e", and only has one letter in it?

Envelope. 😊

I've just started reading a book about Fort Knox...

but I'm finding it really hard to get into!!.. ☺️

Why isn’t a vet called a Dogtor?

My Dad was a conjoined twin.
I used to call his brother....
my uncle on my dad's side. 😂

Where are the inskirts of town?

Did you hear about the man who got stuck in a washing machine?

Apparently he kept going in circles.

The fungus that causes dandruff is on everybody’s scalp but nobody knows why it doesn’t cause dandruff for everyone. It’s a real head-scratcher.

I'm writing a book about all the things I ought to do before I die.
It's . . . My Oughtobiography.

Just wanna make it clear that "vegan" does not mean "anti-vaxxer". That's a different kind of crazy.

I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.

Q. Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?
A. Because she always runs away from the ball!