Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A man was stabbed with an icicle.
He died from cold cuts.

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

Do you know how to make a water bed more bouncy ?
Add spring water.

Do you know they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Big meter.

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science.

A man walks into a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm.
"Do you make fishcakes?" he asks.
"Of course," says the fishmonger.
"Oh good," says the man, "could you make him one it's his birthday!"
😆

- Ну, ты как?
- Совсем вымотала предновогодняя хуета!
- Может суета?
- Нет.

Where is Old Zealand ? asking for a friend )

Knock knock
Who's there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes the ghost of Sean Connery.

My friend sued the airlines for his missing luggage but he lost his case.

What’s good at fighting dry mouth?

The Salivation Army

What’s good at fighting dry mouth?

The Salivation Army

How do train passengers eat their food?
They choo choo it!

As a Child, I was blessed with a massive penis.
Shortly after they got rid of that vicar.

What sits up a tree and goes "aaaaaah"? An owl with a speech impediment.

Q: What does javascript call his son?
A: JSON 😬

I heard that stop signs were supposed to be square, but the transportation department decided to cut corners... 🛑

My next joke was going to be about Salt N Peppa, but I didn't wanna push it.

A Project Manager is someone who THINKS nine women can have a baby in ONE month...

I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could come in and have a look around.
They said no and slammed the door.
Parents can be so cruel.

Bought a new recliner sofa. Apparently if I don’t like it, I can take it back.

The wife asked me if I'd like to see her in something long and flowing on New Year's Eve.

I said, "The Thames would be nice."

I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.

I went to the store during the winter and there were gloves everywhere, right and left.

Saw on the news that water beds are trending again. Apparently, new technology has made them better for your back than previous models. They figured out a way to make them more firm and bouncy. Turns out, the new ones are filled with spring water.

What’s the best way for a woman to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

What do you call a camel that has no hump?
Humphrey.

Rowan Atkinson's next film role is to play a comical character who is unable to satisfy his wife.

'Missed her Bean' is showing in cinemas from Friday.

After grandpa died, I found out I’d only get my inheritance if I got below 200 lbs. I guess where there’s a will, there’s a weigh.

I never thought in 2020 I could go into a bank with a mask on and ask for money.

- На новый год мне подарили путевку в прекрасный мир, где я умен, красив, остроумен и неотразим...
- Бутылку Jack Daniels?
- Да!

Won a prize in the local time travel club raffle. Two tickets to the 1966 World Cup final.

Wife: "You hate my relatives!"

Husband: "No, I don’t!, in fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine." ☺️

Once you’ve seen one Rugby joke, you’ve seen a maul.

I used to install kitchen work surfaces, until I was arrested for counter fitting.

Heard that burglars used a potato to smash a window and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.

My mate was telling me about the Annual Incest competition...

He entered his sister!

They say masturbation is better with a dead arm...

Apparently I ruined that funeral!

Pete the serial flasher was thinking of retiring...

But he's going to stick it out for another year!

Happy New Year!

(I know it's early, but I suffer from premature congratulation)

Why did the octopus cross the reef? To get to the other tide.

Jezus entering the restaurant for the last supper: table for 24 please?

Waiter: but you are only 12?

Jezus: yeah, but we are all gonna sit on the same side.....

—Por ti soy capaz de bajar la luna...
—¿Y para qué la quiero idiota?
—Es una metáf...
—¿Dónde la pondría?
—Pero...
—¡Ay, me cagas pendejo!

Our stupid dog ate all the christmas tree lights. I took him to the vet and they assured me they could whip them out in an hour...

I gave him a little cuddle to reassure him, and his little face lit up!

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size...

So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink!

Feeling horny, I phoned the wife for some hot phone sex.
"Tell me if you're wearing any knickers," I said.
"Actually, I'm not." she replied.
"Ooh you mucky little minx. What are you doing?" I asked provocatively.
"Having a shit, " wasn't really the answer I was looking for!

Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement...

In the end I ignore it all and click, "I Agree."

I've started a new band called "Blanket'.

We're a cover band.

My mate told me he's thinking about leaving his wife because she hasn't talked to him for the last 2 months.

I replied, "Don't be too fucking hasty. Women like that are hard to find!"

I used to work in a Hand grenade factory.
It was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop.

Why is golf a great spor? It's a great SPOR because there is a tee off )

My inventor uncle had no luck.
He was always just missing out.
He invented WD 39 )

Sad news, the Italian chef pasta way.😢

I am a very self disciplined person. I can resist anything except temptation.

Everyone was angry at me for throwing a snowball at my son...
But why completely ban me from the maternity ward?

Взял кредит на огнетушитель. Всё никак не могу погасить.

I think it's a disgrace on society and our education system when after 50 years, most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is.
.

Or what kind of trumpet he played.

Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put milk back in the fridge!

—¡Salí del Closet!
—Ay, ¿Eres gay?
—No
—¿Vienes de Narnia?
—Tampoco
—¿Entonces?
—¿Tu nunca jugaste al Escondite idiota?

If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test...

I'd have $6.30 right now.

My wife and I share a sense of humour.
We have to because she hasn’t got one.

I was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "That's my husband! Quick try the back door!"
Thinking back, I should have really legged it, but you don't get invites like that every day!

—¿Cómo estás, mi cielo?
—Parcialmente nublado.

I read that 10 out of 2 people are dyslexic.

I'm flying with an Indian airline tomorrow but they only allow curry on baggage.

I was speaking to Matt Damon earlier, he said he wished he'd never been Bourne.

At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is never more than a whim away.

What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly?
Stationary.

I phoned my local Builder’s merchant for skip hire advice
They told me to use a shorter rope !

The Israelis i'm sure were the first to have Yahoo on the internet, they've had Net and Yahoo for years.

—Dios, ¡estás delgadisíma! Dime tu secreto.

—Vivo en África.

Why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?

Swarm.

The pessimist saw cups half empty.
The optimist saw cups half full.
The lady slapped them both for staring.

Wife: why is that bottle of whiskey you bought today already half empty??

Me: Because you're a PESSIMIST.

You know the difference between a dentist and a sadist, don’t you?
Newer magazines.

A real man doesn't stand there and watch his girl pay for anything.
That's why I wait in the car.

I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels, she didn't know I existed.

I have an eye joke, its a blinking good one.

Бабушка не отличалась фантазией и поэтому одного кота назвала Вася, а другого Невася.

I'm heading to Greenwich later today. Wondering what I should do in the Mean Time?